Feeling Crappy Today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 43
Feeling Crappy Today
I feel like I should be feeling stronger today, but I just don't.
Two weeks ago I gave my AH a letter telling him that I am unhappy and he needs to get help -- for his drinking, his chewing tobacco habit, and for his mental health. I told him that we cannot work on our marriage until he takes action for himself. In a sober moment, he was remorseful and promised to be better.
Fast forward to this weekend. He has given up the tobacco. He has made an appointment with a therapist. The drinking is the same.
But he's acting like Mr. Positive. He keeps trying to flirt with me and tell me how much he loves me, etc. I want none of it. It's as if he made the minimal effort and now I should be happy.
But I'm still not happy. I hate that his drinking still triggers all these feelings in me after all the work I have done on myself. And I hate that there was a part of me who hoped that he really would choose me and the kids over drinking. Now I see that it just isn't going to happen and I have to move forward with some difficult decisions. I'm just so sad that his drinking is going to cause the break up of our family.
I'm not really looking for advice -- I know what I need to do next. Just hoping some of you can give me some encouragement that I am doing the right thing by ending my marriage. Because it doesn't feel that way right now.
Two weeks ago I gave my AH a letter telling him that I am unhappy and he needs to get help -- for his drinking, his chewing tobacco habit, and for his mental health. I told him that we cannot work on our marriage until he takes action for himself. In a sober moment, he was remorseful and promised to be better.
Fast forward to this weekend. He has given up the tobacco. He has made an appointment with a therapist. The drinking is the same.
But he's acting like Mr. Positive. He keeps trying to flirt with me and tell me how much he loves me, etc. I want none of it. It's as if he made the minimal effort and now I should be happy.
But I'm still not happy. I hate that his drinking still triggers all these feelings in me after all the work I have done on myself. And I hate that there was a part of me who hoped that he really would choose me and the kids over drinking. Now I see that it just isn't going to happen and I have to move forward with some difficult decisions. I'm just so sad that his drinking is going to cause the break up of our family.
I'm not really looking for advice -- I know what I need to do next. Just hoping some of you can give me some encouragement that I am doing the right thing by ending my marriage. Because it doesn't feel that way right now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
IMO, NO ONE deserves (or should live with an active A). Not you, and certainly not your children. You all deserve a peaceful place away from his madness.
It's a tragedy but also a reality that you can't change. Stay strong and build an emotionally safe environment for all of you!
It's a tragedy but also a reality that you can't change. Stay strong and build an emotionally safe environment for all of you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
ForeverOptimist:
I cannot tell you what to do but I can tell you what I would do in your situation. Make one more attempt to talk to him and set a date or time period that he must stop drinking and attend a recovery program. Then you have done all you can. Either way it will still feel crappy about maybe having to end your marriage but make sure you tried one more time about this so your conscience will bother you less. It is a very hard decision and if you were able to walk away without feeling crappy I would think your heart did not care for him--it is because you care but you need to care about you more right now. Stay safe, my thoughts are with you.
I cannot tell you what to do but I can tell you what I would do in your situation. Make one more attempt to talk to him and set a date or time period that he must stop drinking and attend a recovery program. Then you have done all you can. Either way it will still feel crappy about maybe having to end your marriage but make sure you tried one more time about this so your conscience will bother you less. It is a very hard decision and if you were able to walk away without feeling crappy I would think your heart did not care for him--it is because you care but you need to care about you more right now. Stay safe, my thoughts are with you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Just hoping some of you can give me some encouragement that I am doing the right thing by ending my marriage. Because it doesn't feel that way right now.
away from an actively drinking alcoholic.
He thinks everything is fine now because that is what a drunk thinks.
Yesterday is over, and hey, I quit tobacco right?
No, the damage being done daily to your psyche and your childrens emotional health
is the best reason to end your marriage.
He is not making a choice over his family or alcohol. His power to choose is gone.
Unless and until he chooses recovery, recovery for alcoholism, he will remain the same.
You, however, can change how your children live their lives,
and I can tell you from personal experience,
growing up with an alcoholic parent changes a child.
It is not good.
Your children are learning from you and your husband how married people act,
how a marriage is, and how people (grown ups) treat each other.
Please, if you cannot be happy about leaving your husband,
be relieved about choosing a healthy life for your children.
Beth
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ForeverOptomist, you can't save him, but you can save yourself and the children. Think about it this way---why would you not save yourself or the children?
You have no control over the disease, so you are left to control those thing you do have control over.
Don't go on a guilt trip--it won't help the situation one bit.
It is understandable that you don't feel like clicking your heels at the moment. I haven't known any responsible person who takes these kinds of decisions lightly. You won't feel like this forever. You will, likely, feel a large burden lifted.
dandylion
You have no control over the disease, so you are left to control those thing you do have control over.
Don't go on a guilt trip--it won't help the situation one bit.
It is understandable that you don't feel like clicking your heels at the moment. I haven't known any responsible person who takes these kinds of decisions lightly. You won't feel like this forever. You will, likely, feel a large burden lifted.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
But he's acting like Mr. Positive. He keeps trying to flirt with me and tell me how much he loves me, etc. I want none of it. It's as if he made the minimal effort and now I should be happy.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Glasgow
Posts: 94
The behaviour associated with the drinking still affects me too. It has made me depressed and heartbroken. Seems to be that they don't stick to promises....that's the nature of alcoholism. Its a difficult time for you and my thoughts are with you. It's hard to accept that there are some things you can't change even with love x
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Brightstar,
You hit the nail on the head for me. Wow. It doesn't matter what I do, how hard I try, or how much love I pour out to him, nothing really makes a difference. It really just makes me so sad.
Forever,
My heart goes out to you. I'm sure you'll make the best decision for you and your children however difficult it may be.
Lauren
You hit the nail on the head for me. Wow. It doesn't matter what I do, how hard I try, or how much love I pour out to him, nothing really makes a difference. It really just makes me so sad.
Forever,
My heart goes out to you. I'm sure you'll make the best decision for you and your children however difficult it may be.
Lauren
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