Musings on Living Alone
A work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Musings on Living Alone
There have been a lot of posts lately about the adjustments to living alone.
I don't know anyone who has left an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional relationship, and who has had a chance to adjust to living alone, that has regretted it, or felt that being alone is worse than the loneliness of an alcoholic relationship.
I think a lot of the resistance to leaving has to do with the idea that leaving means we are doomed to be alone forever, that no one will ever love us again, and that we will be miserable on our own. That people will JUDGE us and think there is something WRONG with us if we don't have a partner. We envision those pathetic images of "spinsters," lonely and bitter.
That SOOO isn't true. I come and go pretty much as I please. I eat what I want, when I feel like it. I listen to music and watch TV and movies that please ME. If I have a mess, it's because I made it (well, the cats are sometimes the guilty parties). The stuff I pick out for my house reflects what I like, not what someone else wants. If I want to buy something, I consult my own bank account and don't have to ask anyone's permission but my own. If I feel like taking a little trip on a whim, I can do that. If I am out with a friend I don't have to hurry home because someone is waiting for me to get back.
Once in a great while, I think, wow, this would be easier if I had someone to help me. Those times are few and far between. And if I need help, I ask a friend or hire someone to do it.
I won't say I will NEVER share my daily life with someone again, but really, my happy existence doesn't require it. I don't know anyone who feels sorry for me because I live alone, but I know a number of people who envy me my freedom.
I'm not suggesting for a second that everyone should live alone. My point really is that being alone is not a sentence to be endured. I am not in solitary confinement. I have friends at work and in AA. I like my neighbors. I have no difficulty finding people to be around when I want company. And after decades of trying to be what other people wanted me to be, I'm finding that I sorta like ME. I'd forgotten who that person really was.
Just some musings based on some of the stuff I've been reading here lately.
I don't know anyone who has left an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional relationship, and who has had a chance to adjust to living alone, that has regretted it, or felt that being alone is worse than the loneliness of an alcoholic relationship.
I think a lot of the resistance to leaving has to do with the idea that leaving means we are doomed to be alone forever, that no one will ever love us again, and that we will be miserable on our own. That people will JUDGE us and think there is something WRONG with us if we don't have a partner. We envision those pathetic images of "spinsters," lonely and bitter.
That SOOO isn't true. I come and go pretty much as I please. I eat what I want, when I feel like it. I listen to music and watch TV and movies that please ME. If I have a mess, it's because I made it (well, the cats are sometimes the guilty parties). The stuff I pick out for my house reflects what I like, not what someone else wants. If I want to buy something, I consult my own bank account and don't have to ask anyone's permission but my own. If I feel like taking a little trip on a whim, I can do that. If I am out with a friend I don't have to hurry home because someone is waiting for me to get back.
Once in a great while, I think, wow, this would be easier if I had someone to help me. Those times are few and far between. And if I need help, I ask a friend or hire someone to do it.
I won't say I will NEVER share my daily life with someone again, but really, my happy existence doesn't require it. I don't know anyone who feels sorry for me because I live alone, but I know a number of people who envy me my freedom.
I'm not suggesting for a second that everyone should live alone. My point really is that being alone is not a sentence to be endured. I am not in solitary confinement. I have friends at work and in AA. I like my neighbors. I have no difficulty finding people to be around when I want company. And after decades of trying to be what other people wanted me to be, I'm finding that I sorta like ME. I'd forgotten who that person really was.
Just some musings based on some of the stuff I've been reading here lately.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
There have been a lot of posts lately about the adjustments to living alone.
I don't know anyone who has left an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional relationship, and who has had a chance to adjust to living alone, that has regretted it, or felt that being alone is worse than the loneliness of an alcoholic relationship.
I think a lot of the resistance to leaving has to do with the idea that leaving means we are doomed to be alone forever, that no one will ever love us again, and that we will be miserable on our own. That people will JUDGE us and think there is something WRONG with us if we don't have a partner. We envision those pathetic images of "spinsters," lonely and bitter.
I don't know anyone who has left an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional relationship, and who has had a chance to adjust to living alone, that has regretted it, or felt that being alone is worse than the loneliness of an alcoholic relationship.
I think a lot of the resistance to leaving has to do with the idea that leaving means we are doomed to be alone forever, that no one will ever love us again, and that we will be miserable on our own. That people will JUDGE us and think there is something WRONG with us if we don't have a partner. We envision those pathetic images of "spinsters," lonely and bitter.
In my adult life I spent very little time living alone, but I really enjoyed it. I felt free.
Excellent post! Living alone isn't something to be feared.
Thanks, Lexie
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Lexie,
I can relate to all of this! At 35, I divorced my first AH and moved into my own house. I was living alone for the first time in my life. It was a little scary and lonely at first, but wasn't long til I embraced it and loved every minute of it.
I came and went as I pleased, I could eat chips and salsa for dinner if I wanted, there was no one to consult with on home decor...it was true bliss.
Those years were such a great period of growth for me. I gained much self confidence and learned how strong I really am. I often miss it too. It's nice to share your life with someone, but being independent is so freeing!
And the best part of it all? When I cleaned the house......it stayed clean!
To anyone facing the possibility of living alone, try to approach it with an open mind, you might just find it's the best thing that's ever happened to you!
I can relate to all of this! At 35, I divorced my first AH and moved into my own house. I was living alone for the first time in my life. It was a little scary and lonely at first, but wasn't long til I embraced it and loved every minute of it.
I came and went as I pleased, I could eat chips and salsa for dinner if I wanted, there was no one to consult with on home decor...it was true bliss.
Those years were such a great period of growth for me. I gained much self confidence and learned how strong I really am. I often miss it too. It's nice to share your life with someone, but being independent is so freeing!
And the best part of it all? When I cleaned the house......it stayed clean!
To anyone facing the possibility of living alone, try to approach it with an open mind, you might just find it's the best thing that's ever happened to you!
A work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by OnawaMiniya
One of my joys was the opposite - when I didn't clean the house, no one cared lol.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Do you want to know what I like best about it (although I'm not really "alone" with 2 dogs and a 12 year old boy)? The FRESH air in my house!! Having someone sweating out whiskey 24/7 in your house can get pretty stinky. I was choking on it, and now I breathe freely. It's nice.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
I think loneliness is a state of mind more than a physical reality. There is always something I can do to feel more connected when I'm lonely. What it comes down to is whether I am healthy enough to do it or not.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I have been on my own now for over two years. It was scary at first, here I was at 57 and never lived on my own. But if an old fart like me can do it anyone can.
As for loneliness. The most I ever felt that was laying in bed next to my passed out wife. That was the worst.
So, great thread Lexie.
Your friend,
As for loneliness. The most I ever felt that was laying in bed next to my passed out wife. That was the worst.
So, great thread Lexie.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Skip said,
Yes! No more stink of alcohol oozing out of the pores (either mine or his),
the stink of someone who does not care about personal hygiene.
I quit smoking a couple of years ago, and that makes a difference now.
I can take it anywhere but in my home.
The choices, I love the choices I have.
Thank you Lexie, I have more to add to my gratitude list this morning.
Free to sit here and eat oatmeal, read Sober Recovery until I get tired!
Being alone has given me a chance to get to know ME.
Dreams said,
I have found this is absolutely true for me.
I had to disconnect being alone from being lonely.
Two different states of mind and being.
Lexie, you are so effing smart!
I was choking on it, and now I breathe freely. It's nice.
the stink of someone who does not care about personal hygiene.
I quit smoking a couple of years ago, and that makes a difference now.
I can take it anywhere but in my home.
The choices, I love the choices I have.
Thank you Lexie, I have more to add to my gratitude list this morning.
Free to sit here and eat oatmeal, read Sober Recovery until I get tired!
Being alone has given me a chance to get to know ME.
Dreams said,
I think loneliness is a state of mind more than a physical reality.
I had to disconnect being alone from being lonely.
Two different states of mind and being.
Lexie, you are so effing smart!
Last edited by wicked; 07-28-2013 at 08:41 AM. Reason: credit the quotes
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
LexieCat:
I left my exAH finally because he broke our vows of infidelity. I had put up with a lot and may have continued to do so because I was wrestling with what was the problem. . .alcohol, affair or abuse. I do not have friends or family in the area so I do feel alone. I don't mind being alone like you said in making my own decisions and not having to consult or agree to someone's whims. What I miss the most is not having that someone who knows me who gives a witness to my life & existence.
I left my exAH finally because he broke our vows of infidelity. I had put up with a lot and may have continued to do so because I was wrestling with what was the problem. . .alcohol, affair or abuse. I do not have friends or family in the area so I do feel alone. I don't mind being alone like you said in making my own decisions and not having to consult or agree to someone's whims. What I miss the most is not having that someone who knows me who gives a witness to my life & existence.
A work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Flicka57
LexieCat:
I left my exAH finally because he broke our vows of infidelity. I had put up with a lot and may have continued to do so because I was wrestling with what was the problem. . .alcohol, affair or abuse. I do not have friends or family in the area so I do feel alone. I don't mind being alone like you said in making my own decisions and not having to consult or agree to someone's whims. What I miss the most is not having that someone who knows me who gives a witness to my life & existence.
I left my exAH finally because he broke our vows of infidelity. I had put up with a lot and may have continued to do so because I was wrestling with what was the problem. . .alcohol, affair or abuse. I do not have friends or family in the area so I do feel alone. I don't mind being alone like you said in making my own decisions and not having to consult or agree to someone's whims. What I miss the most is not having that someone who knows me who gives a witness to my life & existence.
If a person says or does something, and the alcoholic isn't there to hear it or see it, was it still said or done? YES. You don't have family or friends in the area--YET. So this condition is temporary.
I'm not saying everything is peaches and cream the minute you leave. I'm saying it CAN be a wonderful, non-lonely existence once you become accustomed to navigating it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
What I miss the most is not having that someone who knows me who gives a witness to my life & existence.
You are enough, just as you are.
I am sorry for the pain you are suffering now.
Have you been to any meetings for support?
Meetings were my lifeline when I first got sober and separated from my ex husband.
I needed someone to hear me, and understand me.
It worked for me.
The amazing part was it was a group of people who liked me as I was.
Not my ex, who found something wrong with every move I made.
There is help, support and friendship for you.
I hear you.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
One of my "alanoid issues" is that I forget the bad times. When I get lonely for the good times I had with my ex I know it's time to get to a meeting, or call my sponsor, or do _something_ because I am starting a "codie slip" into a world that never was. Especially on days when my health is poor and all I can do is lie on the bed and wait for tomorrow.
My recovery depends on remembering _both_ the good times as well as the bad. When I do that, my memory of the past becomes real, and I can be grateful for the good times, and at the same time be grateful that I'm out of that mess.
Anytime I want I can drive down to certain neighborhoods and find somebody who, for a fee, will hang around so I am not alone. Except that won't solve my problem, it just covers it up. My problem is that I confuse company for companionship. I think that just because there is a person in the room with me it somehow means there is a person _with_ me. I have learned that dysfunctional people are just in the room, they are not _with_ me in any way.
Somewhere on SR I saw a little slogan that works for me:
I would rather _be_ alone,
than _wish_ I was.
Mike
My recovery depends on remembering _both_ the good times as well as the bad. When I do that, my memory of the past becomes real, and I can be grateful for the good times, and at the same time be grateful that I'm out of that mess.
Anytime I want I can drive down to certain neighborhoods and find somebody who, for a fee, will hang around so I am not alone. Except that won't solve my problem, it just covers it up. My problem is that I confuse company for companionship. I think that just because there is a person in the room with me it somehow means there is a person _with_ me. I have learned that dysfunctional people are just in the room, they are not _with_ me in any way.
Somewhere on SR I saw a little slogan that works for me:
I would rather _be_ alone,
than _wish_ I was.
Mike
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Originally Posted by LexieCat
I won't say I will NEVER share my daily life with someone again, but really, my happy existence doesn't require it. I don't know anyone who feels sorry for me because I live alone, but I know a number of people who envy me my freedom.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
I would rather _be_ alone, than _wish_ I was.
but I know a number of people who envy me my freedom.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Hi Lexie - i just read ur post - i'm hurrying to go out to an open AA meetint with an alanon friend but something u said in ur post about envy has happened already!
Someone recently said they envied me being able to do whatever i wanted - this in the middle of me free-falling with the fear of it - I though initially they were insane - then just lying to make me feel better! strange
Someone recently said they envied me being able to do whatever i wanted - this in the middle of me free-falling with the fear of it - I though initially they were insane - then just lying to make me feel better! strange
A work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Trust me, they aren't "lying to make you feel better." I've BEEN them--envying the freedom of single friends when I was living a depressing existence with a 225-pound albatross around my neck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Hi Lexie - i just read ur post - I'm hurrying to go out to an open AA meeting with an alanon friend but something u said in ur post about envy has happened already!
would you be able to have an alanon friend and go to an open meeting with them
if you were still with your ex?
that is the freedom.
I am sorry you think someone would lie to you about envying your freedom.
It must have been very very bad for you.
I did not trust what people said to me either.
Especially nice things, like they envied me in any way!
I would think they are crazy.
I have found that people (in general) do not lie about things like this.
It was just what I had gotten used to!
It is not reality, just what I had fixed in my mind.
I hope you start to realize you are free any time you want to be.
I had to learn not to dismiss nice things people said,
and just say "thank you".
Admittedly, it was tough going, I had a depressive disorder, and thinking
new happy thoughts was against "my nature".
I put this in quotes, because that is what I told myself.
I deserve no compliments, I deserve no happiness, life is a shoulder to the grindstone,
daily miserable torture session.
It took some meds and sobriety to get to the truth.
The truth is, I am choosing my life, just as in the past I chose to drink to mask
the pain of daily living.
Life free of someone who does not like me or respect me (including me!)
has been an epiphany.
and it is soooo true for me.....
I would rather be alone than wish I was.
Alone is freedom. Lonely is a choice.
Freedom is life affirming.
Freedom is choice.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 170
I LOVE this thread and thank you LexieCat for your post. I kept a journal and when I weaken in the dark of night which is the time I can start second guessing myself, I pull out my journal and read where I've been and then I'm so thankful for where I am. Nothing is worse than the loneliness of living with someone who is really not emotionally available. I'm so appreciative of the little things of being on my own. And it's wonderful to be able to allow friends into your life. But the biggest pleasure of all has been being able to laugh again and to smile and to feel the weight of the world has lifted from my shoulders.
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