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Old 07-28-2013, 02:37 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by sunnshinegirl View Post
I LOVE this thread and thank you LexieCat for your post.
Thank YOU, sunshine! Your thread earlier today was part of what inspired it (in a good way!). It got me thinking about how much I enjoy the peace I have in my own home.
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Old 07-28-2013, 02:53 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I can only think of one down side to living alone... uh.. gimme a minute.

Oh yeah... I miss the romantic trips to the Caribbean. But you can probably rent a companion for those.. right?
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Old 07-28-2013, 03:12 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Jazzman View Post
I can only think of one down side to living alone... uh.. gimme a minute.

Oh yeah... I miss the romantic trips to the Caribbean. But you can probably rent a companion for those.. right?
I'm not free--but I'm reasonable.

And I have an underwater camera. Just keep in mind that you might have to rescue me.
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Old 07-28-2013, 03:16 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Flicka57 View Post
What I miss the most is not having that someone who knows me who gives a witness to my life & existence.
This hit me hardest. It really speaks to my fear about ending things with my ABF. For 3 years I have resisted his pleas to live together, so I do live without him, physically. (thank god, the binges are awful.) But because he has long stretches of sobriety, I get lulled into feeling like someone out there is deeply connected to me, my life, my dreams - even the dumb little daily stuff. My therapist calls that living on crumbs, and "routing my happiness/experience through someone else". yup, guilty as charged. And working on recognizing why my own experience of my life doesn't quite feel worthy in itself -- and why I would settle for crumbs????!!!!

Meanwhile, I do have my own sweet little house, quiet and peaceful, to retreat to, no matter what. Can't say enough good things about that. Not to mention that my dear daughters (who are only with me part time) have a safe, sane, sanctuary always. Not changing that any time soon, no matter what.
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Old 07-28-2013, 03:21 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by skippernlilg View Post
Having someone sweating out whiskey 24/7 in your house can get pretty stinky.
Side note: More than once, I have arrived at ABFs place, opened the door, and smelled that ^^^^, turned around, walked right back out, and driven home to Fresh Air.
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Old 07-28-2013, 03:38 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I don't live alone - I have children - so I think it's a bit different for me, but I can still relate to much of what Lexie is saying. I have a man in my life but we don't live together, and that is important to me.

Part of getting back on my feet emotionally after an A marriage was about learning to trust myself and see that I could handle things like having a budget and handling life on my own. I don't know why I doubted that and needed to prove it to myself because it wasn't like AXH was any help back when we were married - but I still needed to show myself that I could handle living on my own, even when I got into a new relationship.

And frankly, apart from a few times when I've been furious that I've been alone to tackle the kids' emotional issues (which AXH again could never help with anyway) living on my own has been nothing but positive. I feel stronger and more capable and not NEEDING a partner is a great place to be in. Because that meant that when I met partner, he was gravy on top of my already good life - not something I was desperate for but something that added value.
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Old 07-28-2013, 04:40 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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One of the things I remember about starting to live on my own was getting into bed and reading and having no one bothering me.
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Old 07-28-2013, 05:50 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes View Post
One of my "alanoid issues" is that I forget the bad times. When I get lonely for the good times I had with my ex I know it's time to get to a meeting, or call my sponsor, or do _something_ because I am starting a "codie slip" into a world that never was. Especially on days when my health is poor and all I can do is lie on the bed and wait for tomorrow.

My recovery depends on remembering _both_ the good times as well as the bad. When I do that, my memory of the past becomes real, and I can be grateful for the good times, and at the same time be grateful that I'm out of that mess.

Anytime I want I can drive down to certain neighborhoods and find somebody who, for a fee, will hang around so I am not alone. Except that won't solve my problem, it just covers it up. My problem is that I confuse company for companionship. I think that just because there is a person in the room with me it somehow means there is a person _with_ me. I have learned that dysfunctional people are just in the room, they are not _with_ me in any way.

Somewhere on SR I saw a little slogan that works for me:

I would rather _be_ alone,
than _wish_ I was.

Mike
What a fantastic quote! Love that!

Hugs and prayers of good health on every level to you. You are a kind soul.

Peace.
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Old 07-28-2013, 07:09 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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This is a GREAT thread. Every post is a gem!!!

Thank you for starting it Lexie!!!!!!


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Old 07-28-2013, 07:12 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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You all want I make this a sticky?

Mike
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Old 07-28-2013, 07:17 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Jazzman View Post
I can only think of one down side to living alone... uh.. gimme a minute.

Oh yeah... I miss the romantic trips to the Caribbean. But you can probably rent a companion for those.. right?

I hate to say this, but I had gone to Cayman Islands. My sis paid for the family trip. I could never afford that.

The most romantic part of my trip was when a scuba diver instructor took me out under the water. He was pointing out the coral and the fish, I felt so peaceful. It was so quiet so down there, like we were only the 2 people in the world. It was wonderful, then I had to surface and face reality again.


(What a cruel, cruel world !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
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Old 07-28-2013, 07:38 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I really never lived alone in my life. I was married at age 18, had a baby on the way. That bum left a year later. Was still living at home. My father died shortly before I married the long-term ex. My mom couldn't afford the bills, so we got married and stayed with her for 9 years. It was a big house, so we had the attic, but shared kitchen. Moved out from there, but that was when the abuse really started, when he had me alone.

Well anyway, don't need to rehash that anymore. After my divorce, I bought my foreclosure at age 55. The same year that I joined here!!!!!

It was not easy at first. I bought a foreclosure, what was I thinking??????

I had to have all my subfloor pulled up. Couldn't find a contractor to do it. Had carpenter bees. Was afraid to leave the house. Those things would just dive right into your face to scare you away. I only went out in the morning or at night when they were inactive. Then had to fight the carpenter ants!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All I kept thinking was stupid, stupid, stupid, boy are you stupid, can't you get anything right ???????????????

2 years later, I got that sub floor replaced, got the kitchen totally renovated, also the bathroom is totally renovated, all new carpeting, ceramic floors, new furniture, lots of garage sales, and flea markets.

I can now put pictures all over my walls. I couldn't do this when I was married. It had to be totally barren. My house when I was married, was never a home. It was a house devoid of any individuality.

I own a log cabin, and I am now having the outside of that fixed. Had to have the house stripped and re stained. Having stonework put on the bottom of it. It is a raised ranch. Next year will work on the landscaping.

My house and I are healing together after all the years of abuse.

Companionship? I would rather gag myself with a spoon at this point!!!!!!! I am meeting lots of friends. Families are adopting me as their own.

I go place, I do things. At times I would like to have someone special in my life, to watch a movie with, to cuddle with, to help me with the heavier work and things like that, but what do I do with him when I just want to be alone. Do I hang him up in the shed like the rest of the tools?????????????? That's all I think about now. If I had someone in my life, I still want all of my alone time.

That's why I found a place with a gated community. So no one can just knock on my door. I have to invite them there, and then I have to call the guard shack to actually let them in!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and I do have the guard shack and security on fast dial.
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Old 07-28-2013, 07:48 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by amy55 View Post
At times I would like to have someone special in my life, to watch a movie with, to cuddle with, to help me with the heavier work and things like that, but what do I do with him when I just want to be alone. Do I hang him up in the shed like the rest of the tools?????????????? That's all I think about now. If I had someone in my life, I still want all of my alone time.
Amy,

That's the funniest thing I've heard in a long time!!!! I'm laughing so hard I might just pee my pants! LOLOLOLOL
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Old 07-28-2013, 07:57 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by amy55 View Post
At times I would like to have someone special in my life, to watch a movie with, to cuddle with, to help me with the heavier work and things like that, but what do I do with him when I just want to be alone. Do I hang him up in the shed like the rest of the tools??????????????
The last guy I lived with would have been right at home in the shed... along with the OTHER tools....
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Old 07-28-2013, 07:57 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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I live with children, and I sometimes wish that there were a man in the house, I will make sure that any man who joins our lives is an enhancement and not a liability.

We will be moving very, very slowly if we ever change our living conditions.
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Old 07-28-2013, 08:03 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes View Post
You all want I make this a sticky?

Mike
Heck, yeah. Always good to have the positive around here, and there are an awful lot of us livin' alone and lovin' life.
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Old 07-28-2013, 08:44 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Lexie - thanks for starting this thread!!

Mike - most definitely sticky material, so I can go back to it when I slide back into behaviors that something is wrong with me because I'm single.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 07-29-2013, 03:34 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Definitely sticky worthy, Mike!
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Old 07-29-2013, 07:22 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Done stickied under "Classic Reading"

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Old 07-30-2013, 06:51 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Thanks for this post, since moving out I've felt *amazing*. I'm loving my life.
I have dear daughter, she is with her dad while I work, so I'm not alone alone, but...I don't have to hide in my room all the time anymore. It's awesome. I can do what I want. I can cook whatever I want for dinner. I love it. I can watch what I want on tv. No listening to a bunch of crap about my viewing preferences. (Dr. Who is NOT gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that! LOL) I don't have to dance around "King Baby" all the time. No picking up his laundry off the floor. Cleaning up ashes from his stupid cigarettes that he "didn't smoke in the house". I feel so dang free. Thank you guys!
I'm super nervous about dating again, the thought of it makes me shudder, I'm giving myself a year (maybe more, mwahahahah) of alone time before even thinking about it.
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