Married to Narcissistic Alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 2
Married to Narcissistic Alcoholic
Hello all. I am new to SR, and I am extremely pleased to be here. After reviewing posts after posts, there is a little glimmer of comfort knowing that I am not alone in the way I feel.
I would like to share my "situation" as I call it, and welcome all words of wisdom, words of encouragement, or even a little "tough love". I am so lost, confused, and broken, I feel helpless. I am scared.
I am currently in my 2nd marriage, to a man that I love more than life itself. We have been married for 8 months and dated for two years. I knew perfectly well before we got married that he was an alcoholic. My subtle hints, and a caring hand were always enough to keep the drinking in check, or at least at a level that I could handle.
About 3 months into the marriage, we can add the narcissistic person along with the alcoholic. Combined, my husband has become someone that I can't stand. He is selfish, mean, hurtful, distant, and I really just don't know who he is anymore. Not only does his drinking get taken to the extreme, but my despair and concern is instantly turned into my fault, because I am "crazy" and he hasn't changed a bit. There has been countless times that I have been put into ridiculous situations because he was drunk. My feelings have been hurt so many times that I'm surprised that I have any left. He is not physically abusive, however, two weekends ago in one of his spells, he acted out against me when I tried to take his truck keys to prevent him from driving and I ended up getting a black eye from his careless movements in trying to keep them from me. His emotional abuse is crippling. In a last attempt at telling him to please slow down and spend some time with me last night, I asked him, "Your wants and needs are important to me, why aren't mine important to you?" He glared at me, drunk, struggling to stand still and replied, "Your wants and needs-I ain't needing."
This is just a one example of hundreds of hurtful things that have been said. Everything from bashing me in front of a friend that I overheard, to constantly telling me that I'm crazy or psychotic, to I'm the one that needs to get my **** together.
I have caught him a few times in lies. Some were small, as in constant broken promises. Never coming home when he says he will. And some were big, as in having inappropriate text conversations with different women. I have serious trust issues because of these things, and because my first husband cheated on me. But again, all of my insecurites are cast to the side, and made to be my fault. He is rarely home anymore. Chores are mostly all my responsibility. If it is the weekend, he'll wake up, take a shower and leave. During the week, I almost always have to work late and even though he gets off around 3PM, he arrives home after I do, usually around 7PM or so.
A couple months ago, I lost my job that I had had for years and I now work somewhere making a lot less than I used to, struggling paycheck to paycheck. My dearest Grandma fell ill and is now in a hospice, I've had several health issues arise, and with all that and my husband, I have become severely depressed, I have anxiety so bad I can't breathe, and I am just flat out miserable.. During one of my health issues I was prescribed a strong pain pill, and in turn I have become addicted.. I don't take crazy amounts nor do I snort them or anything of the sort, but it is the only thing that calms me down to where I can even think straight. I don't want to be like this. This is not me. I have no personality anymore. I can't even be around the people I used to enjoy. And after reaching out to the person I trusted the most for a helping hand..I was shunned.
I am sorry for such a long post, but will someone please shed some insight for me? I am not ignorant by no means, but I do love the man with all of my heart and it hurts more than anything to think that his alcohol, good times, and God forbid, another woman..takes precedence over me.
Thank you.
I would like to share my "situation" as I call it, and welcome all words of wisdom, words of encouragement, or even a little "tough love". I am so lost, confused, and broken, I feel helpless. I am scared.
I am currently in my 2nd marriage, to a man that I love more than life itself. We have been married for 8 months and dated for two years. I knew perfectly well before we got married that he was an alcoholic. My subtle hints, and a caring hand were always enough to keep the drinking in check, or at least at a level that I could handle.
About 3 months into the marriage, we can add the narcissistic person along with the alcoholic. Combined, my husband has become someone that I can't stand. He is selfish, mean, hurtful, distant, and I really just don't know who he is anymore. Not only does his drinking get taken to the extreme, but my despair and concern is instantly turned into my fault, because I am "crazy" and he hasn't changed a bit. There has been countless times that I have been put into ridiculous situations because he was drunk. My feelings have been hurt so many times that I'm surprised that I have any left. He is not physically abusive, however, two weekends ago in one of his spells, he acted out against me when I tried to take his truck keys to prevent him from driving and I ended up getting a black eye from his careless movements in trying to keep them from me. His emotional abuse is crippling. In a last attempt at telling him to please slow down and spend some time with me last night, I asked him, "Your wants and needs are important to me, why aren't mine important to you?" He glared at me, drunk, struggling to stand still and replied, "Your wants and needs-I ain't needing."
This is just a one example of hundreds of hurtful things that have been said. Everything from bashing me in front of a friend that I overheard, to constantly telling me that I'm crazy or psychotic, to I'm the one that needs to get my **** together.
I have caught him a few times in lies. Some were small, as in constant broken promises. Never coming home when he says he will. And some were big, as in having inappropriate text conversations with different women. I have serious trust issues because of these things, and because my first husband cheated on me. But again, all of my insecurites are cast to the side, and made to be my fault. He is rarely home anymore. Chores are mostly all my responsibility. If it is the weekend, he'll wake up, take a shower and leave. During the week, I almost always have to work late and even though he gets off around 3PM, he arrives home after I do, usually around 7PM or so.
A couple months ago, I lost my job that I had had for years and I now work somewhere making a lot less than I used to, struggling paycheck to paycheck. My dearest Grandma fell ill and is now in a hospice, I've had several health issues arise, and with all that and my husband, I have become severely depressed, I have anxiety so bad I can't breathe, and I am just flat out miserable.. During one of my health issues I was prescribed a strong pain pill, and in turn I have become addicted.. I don't take crazy amounts nor do I snort them or anything of the sort, but it is the only thing that calms me down to where I can even think straight. I don't want to be like this. This is not me. I have no personality anymore. I can't even be around the people I used to enjoy. And after reaching out to the person I trusted the most for a helping hand..I was shunned.
I am sorry for such a long post, but will someone please shed some insight for me? I am not ignorant by no means, but I do love the man with all of my heart and it hurts more than anything to think that his alcohol, good times, and God forbid, another woman..takes precedence over me.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 170
Welcome to the boards. I was in a similar situation to yours. I just recently left and it took all the courage and strength I had. My STBXAH has the same problem meaning narcissist combined with alcohol. Everything got turned around to my fault. I never got a moment's peace and got called everything from f--- idiot to being told I have s--- for brains. I was worn down and so despondent over being treated like a rag, I couldn't take it. Two things happened. I went into therapy and found this board and I've been able to change my life. You can't have a love relationship with an active A and a narcissist. You can have feelings for them but they won't be reciprocated. All I can tell you is we are here to support you and you are not alone. Many of us have been through what you are experiencing and we are here to encourage you in any way we can. I'm so glad you found us.
I think many will tell you that the alcohol is always going to take precedence over you unless he is seriously committed to change. My therapist told me that my STBXAH's relationship was with his bottle and not with me and that insight helped me tremendously. I was looking for a loving give and take relationship with someone incapable of reciprocating.
Again, I'm glad you found us and sorry you are having to deal with these problems.
I think many will tell you that the alcohol is always going to take precedence over you unless he is seriously committed to change. My therapist told me that my STBXAH's relationship was with his bottle and not with me and that insight helped me tremendously. I was looking for a loving give and take relationship with someone incapable of reciprocating.
Again, I'm glad you found us and sorry you are having to deal with these problems.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
When I read the title of your post my first thought was "aren't we all?" as in, if we're married to an alcoholic, chances are there is narcissism involved.
But then I read about your response to the pain and your description of "I'm not myself anymore," and I just want to shout, don't go down with the ship! You are a person who deserves the best life has to offer! Don't let him take you down! There is help in Al-Anon, and in these boards--please take advantage of the help available!
When you said "it hurts more than anything to think that his alcohol, good times, and God forbid, another woman..takes precedence over me"--my thought is that the biggest threat to anyone's relationship is the alcohol, because that's what leads to all the other "god forbid" stuff like other women. Another woman would probably be easier for a relationship to recover from than alcohol, quite frankly. Often, an alcoholic who isn't getting the "permission" to drink whenever he/she wants from their spouse will go elsewhere for that permission.
BUT, the biggest concern are the huge red flags like the black eye. That is violence, pure and simple. Please do all you can to protect yourself from that!
Examine where your "love" for him is coming from. You love him, but according to him he is all about himself and protecting his own needs and he has no interest in yours. You need to protect YOUR needs. Learn why you feel compelled to be with a person who has told you to your face that he doesn't care about your needs. You are so worth more than this.
Please keep coming back, and listen to the words of wisdom here. We've all been there.
But then I read about your response to the pain and your description of "I'm not myself anymore," and I just want to shout, don't go down with the ship! You are a person who deserves the best life has to offer! Don't let him take you down! There is help in Al-Anon, and in these boards--please take advantage of the help available!
When you said "it hurts more than anything to think that his alcohol, good times, and God forbid, another woman..takes precedence over me"--my thought is that the biggest threat to anyone's relationship is the alcohol, because that's what leads to all the other "god forbid" stuff like other women. Another woman would probably be easier for a relationship to recover from than alcohol, quite frankly. Often, an alcoholic who isn't getting the "permission" to drink whenever he/she wants from their spouse will go elsewhere for that permission.
BUT, the biggest concern are the huge red flags like the black eye. That is violence, pure and simple. Please do all you can to protect yourself from that!
Examine where your "love" for him is coming from. You love him, but according to him he is all about himself and protecting his own needs and he has no interest in yours. You need to protect YOUR needs. Learn why you feel compelled to be with a person who has told you to your face that he doesn't care about your needs. You are so worth more than this.
Please keep coming back, and listen to the words of wisdom here. We've all been there.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I went through much of the same. I was told I was crazy, to the point where I started to wonder if I was. Everything was my fault, even his drinking. He would use any excuse to leave, that was his escape to go drink. He talked really crappy about me to his friends. We would get into fights when I tried to stop him from driving drunk. I would find myself in social situations, and be completely embarrassed by his behavior. I kept a lot to myself, knowing no one could understand. Attempts at conversations were pointless, he didn't want to hear from me.
I was in a pattern of chaos and pain. I loved him, couldn't he see that? It took a really great counselor with a background in addiction, and AlAnon, to get healthy again. I learned that ....No....he couldn't see that I loved him. What he saw was a barricade to drinking. Alcohol is the first love, and anyone who gets in the way is a problem. There was no point talking to him, the A does not have the ability to have rational conversations.
I learned the 3 C's. I didn't Cause it, can't Control it, and can't Cure it. I learned to detach from his behaviors. He couldn't push my buttons any more. I got out of his way, and left him to his own path. I took my life back, I got healthy. We spend SO much time loving the A, we forget to love ourselves. Part of loving them is not enabling, not accepting their behavior, not staying in the chaos. That's part of loving ourselves as well.
I'm sorry you're going through this. The only person who can save you....is you. Find an AlAnon meeting near you. Those meetings will be important as you figure this stuff out. Read "Codependent No More" and "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. Keep reading and posting here. Many of us were in your exact shoes....and we have found a happy healthy life again. You can too.
I was in a pattern of chaos and pain. I loved him, couldn't he see that? It took a really great counselor with a background in addiction, and AlAnon, to get healthy again. I learned that ....No....he couldn't see that I loved him. What he saw was a barricade to drinking. Alcohol is the first love, and anyone who gets in the way is a problem. There was no point talking to him, the A does not have the ability to have rational conversations.
I learned the 3 C's. I didn't Cause it, can't Control it, and can't Cure it. I learned to detach from his behaviors. He couldn't push my buttons any more. I got out of his way, and left him to his own path. I took my life back, I got healthy. We spend SO much time loving the A, we forget to love ourselves. Part of loving them is not enabling, not accepting their behavior, not staying in the chaos. That's part of loving ourselves as well.
I'm sorry you're going through this. The only person who can save you....is you. Find an AlAnon meeting near you. Those meetings will be important as you figure this stuff out. Read "Codependent No More" and "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. Keep reading and posting here. Many of us were in your exact shoes....and we have found a happy healthy life again. You can too.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome!
I'd suggest that one of the first things you do is to get some help for your own pill addiction. Many women who are partners of alcoholics or addicts--particularly those that are abusive--self-medicate as you do. The addiction only further saps your strength and ability to do anything about your "situation." I completely understand the urge to numb out--I am a sober alcoholic. The thing is, improving your life has to begin and end with YOU. And you can't take care of yourself while you are popping pills.
NA (Narcotics Anonymous) and Al-Anon (for families and friends of alcoholics) can both do you a world of good. What you are in love with isn't this man who treats you horribly; you are in love with the dream you had when you married him. That dream was a false promise, and there is nothing you can do to change HIM. You can only change yourself.
This is a lot more hopeful than it probably sounds to you right now. There are many, many of us in these forums who felt just as desperate as you do. I was married to an alcoholic who wasn't abusive, but he could not hold a job because of his drinking, and he returned to drinking after almost dying of it. I was at the end of MY rope. Al-Anon was my link to sanity and my lifeline during that time.
There is hope for you. Your life can change. You just have to be willing to begin.
I'd suggest that one of the first things you do is to get some help for your own pill addiction. Many women who are partners of alcoholics or addicts--particularly those that are abusive--self-medicate as you do. The addiction only further saps your strength and ability to do anything about your "situation." I completely understand the urge to numb out--I am a sober alcoholic. The thing is, improving your life has to begin and end with YOU. And you can't take care of yourself while you are popping pills.
NA (Narcotics Anonymous) and Al-Anon (for families and friends of alcoholics) can both do you a world of good. What you are in love with isn't this man who treats you horribly; you are in love with the dream you had when you married him. That dream was a false promise, and there is nothing you can do to change HIM. You can only change yourself.
This is a lot more hopeful than it probably sounds to you right now. There are many, many of us in these forums who felt just as desperate as you do. I was married to an alcoholic who wasn't abusive, but he could not hold a job because of his drinking, and he returned to drinking after almost dying of it. I was at the end of MY rope. Al-Anon was my link to sanity and my lifeline during that time.
There is hope for you. Your life can change. You just have to be willing to begin.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 2
I sincerely appreciate the responses. The words of wisdom are very encouraging. I just wish I didn't love this man, this much.. I have been slowly distancing myself over the past couple days, and out of bad habit and sickening trust issues, I routinely go through his phone every so often when he is passed out. Last night, I found something that I believe has put the icing on the cake... Via text messages, there was a meeting up of him and his ex-girlfriend to just "ride some back roads, and drink a couple beers". So after feeling my heart slowly sink to my stomach, I continued to read that he did indeed pick her up from her office, and "went riding". Afterwards, he sent her a text that read, "Anytime you need another beer, let me know. I enjoyed it." Her response was "I had so much fun, I really needed that and you know I will always love my [his name]. To which he replied, "That's what good friends are for".
I am in despair beyond belief..
I guess my questions of fight or flight have been answered for me.
I confronted him about this, and with him being drunk, was not the best idea. He immediately got defensive, called me stupid and insecure, and that I am psycho because nothing happened because she's just a friend..etc. I asked him earlier that day what all had he done today, and he listed out things he had done, and mention of a rendezvous with an ex was never offered up. He says the reason he didn't tell me is because "I didn't ask." Wow.. The fight continued until I was almost at the verge of actually believing that I was indeed overreacting.. This happens every.single.time.
For some reason or another, I have forgotten what I deserve.
I am in despair beyond belief..
I guess my questions of fight or flight have been answered for me.
I confronted him about this, and with him being drunk, was not the best idea. He immediately got defensive, called me stupid and insecure, and that I am psycho because nothing happened because she's just a friend..etc. I asked him earlier that day what all had he done today, and he listed out things he had done, and mention of a rendezvous with an ex was never offered up. He says the reason he didn't tell me is because "I didn't ask." Wow.. The fight continued until I was almost at the verge of actually believing that I was indeed overreacting.. This happens every.single.time.
For some reason or another, I have forgotten what I deserve.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Edmonton
Posts: 10
Welcome,
I have just joined SR as well so I'm very new at this. My heart aches as I read your story.
I don't have much advice for you as I am currently trying to heal but I will tell two things I'm learning...
-You are in charge of your own happiness and change starts with you. Your pill addiction deeply saddens me and I'd have to agree with the others in that it is something that you should work through right away. I know it's hard but self love is very important.
-Communicating with people who have a better understanding of your situation is very beneficial. Friends and family may have seen what you've been through, but addiction is complicated and sharing your story in a community like this will bring you some more comfort. Welcome
I have just joined SR as well so I'm very new at this. My heart aches as I read your story.
I don't have much advice for you as I am currently trying to heal but I will tell two things I'm learning...
-You are in charge of your own happiness and change starts with you. Your pill addiction deeply saddens me and I'd have to agree with the others in that it is something that you should work through right away. I know it's hard but self love is very important.
-Communicating with people who have a better understanding of your situation is very beneficial. Friends and family may have seen what you've been through, but addiction is complicated and sharing your story in a community like this will bring you some more comfort. Welcome
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
All of the advice you have been given here is spot on. As my therapist would ask me every visit, "What have you done for yourself that was loving, nurturing, and kind this week?" For YOURSELF. You can't do a dang thing to change him, but you can build a happy life for yourself. Please, please get to NA and Al-Anon and start working on your own recovery. You deserve to be healthy and happy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Hydrochondriac,
Your story is truly gut-wrenching. You put it into words very well. I hope you listen to Lexie's advice about the prescription meds. You come first and you must take care of yourself. I hope that you seek treatment and find sobriety.
With regard to AH, I'm just going to throw something out there. Let's assume that we have a crystal ball and we can see into the future. That future shows that this is who he is and he is never going to change...and although you make learn to tolerate the misery, it will be there as long as you are with him. Do you stay? Is this what you want for your life...this brief but precious time that you have on this earth? Do you love him "that much" to endure this misery?
OK, so we don't have a crystal ball. But we do have our eyes right now. You see who he is today and you know how you feel. Is this acceptable to you? Do you think you have some power to change him for the better? You don't have that power any more than I have a crystal ball.
You are getting sucked into a scary downward spiral of misery and you need to grab a lifeline. He may even encourage your addiction because it puts you on par with him and gives him one more tool to lord over you.
Sweetie, you deserve someone who cherishes you. Someone who loves you and who feels like your soft place to land. A place of comfort and warmth and love. You are worth that.
Take good care of yourself and keep posting.
Sending lots of hugs and support,
MamaKit
Your story is truly gut-wrenching. You put it into words very well. I hope you listen to Lexie's advice about the prescription meds. You come first and you must take care of yourself. I hope that you seek treatment and find sobriety.
With regard to AH, I'm just going to throw something out there. Let's assume that we have a crystal ball and we can see into the future. That future shows that this is who he is and he is never going to change...and although you make learn to tolerate the misery, it will be there as long as you are with him. Do you stay? Is this what you want for your life...this brief but precious time that you have on this earth? Do you love him "that much" to endure this misery?
OK, so we don't have a crystal ball. But we do have our eyes right now. You see who he is today and you know how you feel. Is this acceptable to you? Do you think you have some power to change him for the better? You don't have that power any more than I have a crystal ball.
You are getting sucked into a scary downward spiral of misery and you need to grab a lifeline. He may even encourage your addiction because it puts you on par with him and gives him one more tool to lord over you.
Sweetie, you deserve someone who cherishes you. Someone who loves you and who feels like your soft place to land. A place of comfort and warmth and love. You are worth that.
Take good care of yourself and keep posting.
Sending lots of hugs and support,
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I just wish I didn't love this man, this much..
I think once you can distance yourself from this unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship, you will see that what you are feeling for this man is not love. It may be need, lust, pity, compassion, whatever.
I am divorced from a narcissistic alcoholic. They do a number on your personality and self-confidence and you even start doubting your perceptions of reality. You self-medicate with pills, I self-medicated with uber-controlled eating and exercise. Same problem, different solutions.
Stop judging yourself and get help for your addiction. There is hope. There is so much hope. But being married to a narcissistic alcoholic breaks you down. Yes, even your physical health. Get clean, get strong, and get out.
Lots of hugs.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Alanon is wonderful because it brings the focus to ourselves, where it really belongs. I learned that I was responsible for the people I allow in my life, it's my choice. I was so badly burned by an alcoholic I worked hard and won't have to pick someone as screwed up as I did.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Originally Posted by hydrochondriac 
I sincerely appreciate the responses. The words of wisdom are very encouraging. I just wish I didn't love this man, this much.. I have been slowly distancing myself over the past couple days, and out of bad habit and sickening trust issues, I routinely go through his phone every so often when he is passed out. Last night, I found something that I believe has put the icing on the cake... Via text messages, there was a meeting up of him and his ex-girlfriend to just "ride some back roads, and drink a couple beers". So after feeling my heart slowly sink to my stomach, I continued to read that he did indeed pick her up from her office, and "went riding". Afterwards, he sent her a text that read, "Anytime you need another beer, let me know. I enjoyed it." Her response was "I had so much fun, I really needed that and you know I will always love my [his name]. To which he replied, "That's what good friends are for".
I am in despair beyond belief..
.
I guess my questions of fight or flight have been answered for me.
I confronted him about this, and with him being drunk, was not the best idea. He immediately got defensive, called me stupid and insecure, and that I am psycho because nothing happened because she's just a friend..etc. I asked him earlier that day what all had he done today, and he listed out things he had done, and mention of a rendezvous with an ex was never offered up. He says the reason he didn't tell me is because "I didn't ask." Wow.. The fight continued until I was almost at the verge of actually believing that I was indeed overreacting.. This happens every.single.time.
For some reason or another, I have forgotten what I deserve.
I am in despair beyond belief..
.
I guess my questions of fight or flight have been answered for me.
I confronted him about this, and with him being drunk, was not the best idea. He immediately got defensive, called me stupid and insecure, and that I am psycho because nothing happened because she's just a friend..etc. I asked him earlier that day what all had he done today, and he listed out things he had done, and mention of a rendezvous with an ex was never offered up. He says the reason he didn't tell me is because "I didn't ask." Wow.. The fight continued until I was almost at the verge of actually believing that I was indeed overreacting.. This happens every.single.time.
For some reason or another, I have forgotten what I deserve.
I am glad I am not the only one who goes through the A's phone lol...the last time I went to see my ex ABF I asked him why he never calls me any more (we have been on and off for five years but have always remained friends)..he said he has been "too busy". I knew he was acting distant and cold and when I went through his phone while he was passed out, I found he had not been "too busy" to phone this girl he used to mention quite often in conversations. I should have seen this as a red flag long ago but continued the relationship and felt smaller and emotionally drained until I didn't know who I was anymore. I moved an hour away from him in December but still saw him occasionally. When I found out he had been calling her, I realized it was finally over for good. I am not looking back, I have felt more peaceful than I have in a long time since I have been on my own and away from him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Recovering2, your message is so true and it describes what I have been going through to a T. I read "Codependent No More", started attending Al Anon and realized I could break free from the chaos and begin a new life. You are so right about not being able to have a rational conversation with the A. I always felt like he was in his own little world that I was not a part of. I felt he made his alcoholic friends and bar buddies more a part of his world and I could never compete with that. So I just stopped trying. Once I stopped trying to win his approval and get his attention, affection and all the things he was unwilling and unable to give me and started focusing on me again is when I finally found peace. Now if I could just stop thinking about him. I hate that thoughts of him still run through my mind like poison. One day at a time....they get less each day.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Hydro- I am sorry you are going through this. The one thing that I hate about alcoholism is the alcoholics inability to say "I am sorry." Your husband did something very wrong, and was caught red handed. Wouldn't it have been so nice if he just backed down and said "I am sorry." I know many of us have waited for so many years for those words, which often never come.
Take care of yourself and your needs.
Take care of yourself and your needs.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 556
Originally Posted by MamaKit
Hydrochondriac,
Your story is truly gut-wrenching. You put it into words very well. I hope you listen to Lexie's advice about the prescription meds. You come first and you must take care of yourself. I hope that you seek treatment and find sobriety.
With regard to AH, I'm just going to throw something out there. Let's assume that we have a crystal ball and we can see into the future. That future shows that this is who he is and he is never going to change...and although you make learn to tolerate the misery, it will be there as long as you are with him. Do you stay? Is this what you want for your life...this brief but precious time that you have on this earth? Do you love him "that much" to endure this misery?
OK, so we don't have a crystal ball. But we do have our eyes right now. You see who he is today and you know how you feel. Is this acceptable to you? Do you think you have some power to change him for the better? You don't have that power any more than I have a crystal ball.
You are getting sucked into a scary downward spiral of misery and you need to grab a lifeline. He may even encourage your addiction because it puts you on par with him and gives him one more tool to lord over you.
Sweetie, you deserve someone who cherishes you. Someone who loves you and who feels like your soft place to land. A place of comfort and warmth and love. You are worth that.
Take good care of yourself and keep posting.
Sending lots of hugs and support,
MamaKit
Your story is truly gut-wrenching. You put it into words very well. I hope you listen to Lexie's advice about the prescription meds. You come first and you must take care of yourself. I hope that you seek treatment and find sobriety.
With regard to AH, I'm just going to throw something out there. Let's assume that we have a crystal ball and we can see into the future. That future shows that this is who he is and he is never going to change...and although you make learn to tolerate the misery, it will be there as long as you are with him. Do you stay? Is this what you want for your life...this brief but precious time that you have on this earth? Do you love him "that much" to endure this misery?
OK, so we don't have a crystal ball. But we do have our eyes right now. You see who he is today and you know how you feel. Is this acceptable to you? Do you think you have some power to change him for the better? You don't have that power any more than I have a crystal ball.
You are getting sucked into a scary downward spiral of misery and you need to grab a lifeline. He may even encourage your addiction because it puts you on par with him and gives him one more tool to lord over you.
Sweetie, you deserve someone who cherishes you. Someone who loves you and who feels like your soft place to land. A place of comfort and warmth and love. You are worth that.
Take good care of yourself and keep posting.
Sending lots of hugs and support,
MamaKit
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear hydrochondriac.....your own failing health and addiction to pain pills is an indication that you are becoming a casualty of this man's disease. He is paving his o wn road to H^ll and you are letting him drag you along.
Hon...I am here to tell you, straight up---"Love" is not enough when it comes to addiction.
First things first---carry thy self to a Nar-anon meeting. Those people will NOT reject you.
Schedule yourself an appointment with a counselor and, possibly a doctor (tell the doctor what is going on with you, physically).
*****Get out of his way. Do not let him drag you down into the gutter with him...no matter how bad it hurts. Because, this is going to get worse.
Please hang here, with us. We care about what is happening to you.
dandylion
Hon...I am here to tell you, straight up---"Love" is not enough when it comes to addiction.
First things first---carry thy self to a Nar-anon meeting. Those people will NOT reject you.
Schedule yourself an appointment with a counselor and, possibly a doctor (tell the doctor what is going on with you, physically).
*****Get out of his way. Do not let him drag you down into the gutter with him...no matter how bad it hurts. Because, this is going to get worse.
Please hang here, with us. We care about what is happening to you.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Hello Hypochondriac
It's never them.
I am responsible for the way I feel. And I am responsible for taking care of my life.
There's a lot going on here. It is my hope you find the willingness to get to face to face Alanon meetings and start working a program. The pills will have to go too. You deserve much better than this insanity, which takes 2 to engage in.
Best
WMJ
It's never them.
I am responsible for the way I feel. And I am responsible for taking care of my life.
There's a lot going on here. It is my hope you find the willingness to get to face to face Alanon meetings and start working a program. The pills will have to go too. You deserve much better than this insanity, which takes 2 to engage in.
Best
WMJ
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