sadielady

So has anyone else noticed that as you work on healthier behaviors for yourself, people's more abusive, toxic or somehow unhealthy behaviors are SOOOO much more apparent and hard to tolerate???

I'm realizing the extent of a few people's patterns at work and realizing that now that I've turned a corner in standing up for myself and what I won't tolerate in a love relationship, I find it so much harder to stomach there too. Two are bosses, and I don't know yet what that means, how to change my own responsive patterns (and still keep my job!!)

Also thinking differently about some dynamics my sister and I have.

It's like my patience is shorter for manipulation, dishonesty, and crazy making behavior.

I feel a tide shifting. Some days my response to them is anger though. And feeling fed up for putting up with what (in one case) feels abusive, and if I'm honest, mad at myself for bending over backwards in the last to soothe other people and smooth over irrational or toxic situations at my own expense.

I know overall this is a very positive change. But it feels in transition. And I'm wrung out every single day. By the new awareness we and by the reality I'm needing to face that I need to she'd some pretty central dynamics in my relationships. In questioning my future iny job in a real way.

Anyone else feel ripples like this?

AnonK

I'm glad I'm not the only one!!!

Ugh, I don't even want to get on a soapbox right now.

Let's just say that I've taken "take what you will and leave the rest" to a whole other level. I know no one is perfect, but... I recite the Serenity Prayer repeatedly on an almost daily basis.

brownhorse

Yes! Posted about my sister earlier today. I don't know how it ends yet, just wanted to say you are not alone.

sadielady

Ok I just realized something reading a book and I feel calmer than wheni wrote this.

This is happening because I need to learn to set better boundaries.

I did that last month ending things with my exABF and it felt right. Psychically, emotionally, physically, all of it.

I have all these other places I have t set good boundaries.

And now they're becoming apparent.

And I'm maddest at myself.

lillamy

So here's a thought: see those places where you haven't set healthy boundaries as opportunities to practice what you've learned!

That was my sponsor's suggestion to me when, about a year after I left AXH, I got a new supervisor who walked, talked, looked like, and was just as much of a narcissistic arse as AXH. As I am a good Christian woman, I looked to the heavens with quite a bit of skepticism and said "you have to be kidding me, right?"

But it was actually great. While he was an abusive arse, there was a limit to how much damage he could do in a work setting. So it was a fairly safe place for me to set boundaries. (He was fired. I'm still there. )

I still suck at boundaries but I am getting better...

neferkamichael

Sadielady, Recovering: fed up with all kinds of people's crap now! You are FANTASTIC. I need to learn to think positively and set boundaries myself. Rootin for ya.

LifeRecovery

Is it not amazing that the pattern that I was in with my A loved one...I replayed in many areas of my life.

In part that is why I choose the name LifeRecovery....I have had more then one relationship to heal from.

I am so glad we get the ability to change.

izzyrose05

The more self aware we become, the easier it is to see the dysfunctional behaviors of others. It's hard sometimes to keep my mouth shut but it's none of my business and I have my own crap to work on. If, however, the "crazy making" crosses my desk or office and someone comes to me with concerns, I always share my thoughts openly and how I would handle it. Sometimes that helps. But inevitably, I notice now that it's more than just some of the people I work with. I see it on a grand scale in the news daily. People who are motivated through negativity and anger versus loving kindness. It actually is so mind boggling to me. I use to be a news junkie, but no more. I don't watch so much because I want the world to know what I know, to understand what I understand and many just don't get it! That anger (though, I still fall to it's effects myself) is not the way toward anything positive for anyone. EVER!

The one good thing I get from having this self awareness, is more peace within and that's what you need to focus on. Keep your peace...you have worked so hard for it. Don't let the actions of others affect your stillness and healthy light. I am more healthy than I have ever been..albeit..still a little stuck from my last relationship, but that too shall pass..and I will be even more self aware.

Be careful about running away from the "crazy making" at the office, because what I have noticed, is that its everywhere. You'll see it at your next job to, and the next town, and the next country, and the guy sitting at the next table in the restaurant. We are a world of egoic minds motivated through raw and extreme emotions in our behaviors. Thoughtfulness is a rare quality these days. The answer to your dilemma is to recognize peace is inside of you and go to that place when the world doesn't make sense.

It's starting to work wonders for me. Goodluck

aasharon90

It never mattered whether I was sober
or not, people, bosses, still treated me
with disrespected. It's so sad how, when
I tried my hardest to treat others the way
I'd want to be treated and yet, it still
didn't matter.

In recovery I learned, if I kept my side
of the street cleaned, so to speak, did
everything to the best of my ability,
whatever was going on between me
and them, I couldn't blame myself
for their actions nor their behaviors.

I realized that not everyone, incliding myself,
weren't always gonna be in the best mood.
Whose to say that those bosses or so called
fellow workers weren't sick themselves.

We all have problems in life whether it be
financial, marital, living, health, spiritual,
emotional and yet we all carry them where
ever we are. Including work.

We even take work problems home to our
loved ones, family and everyone feels the
stress. Then we take our family, personal
problems with us to work and it reflects
in the work we do and those we work around.

If, im working and living my recovery program
accordingly, then im in a good place mentally,
spiritually, emotionally and physically. I can
then do what is expected of me to the best of
my ability.

If the bosses and co-workers have issues
they bring to work from home, they emmediatey
take it out on people like me and you. In which
is rude, crude and socialably unexceptable in
my book. It's not right.

And yet, what am I suppose to do about their
aweful behavior? First to remember that whatever
is going on with them, has nothing to do with me
and not to take it personally. Which is extremely
difficult. I would give their crap back to them in
my mind and continue on with what Is expected
of me to the best of my ability.

However, when I did stand up for myself and
not take crap from any of them, id be called
down for it, written up for it and given an ultimatum.

Finally, I had had enough and when working in
such inviroments that affect my serenity and
peace of mind as well as my own recovery, then
it adios amigos.

Im grateful today to be in a place 22yrs sober
and don't have to put up with the public nor bosses
that aggravate the hell out of me.

sadielady

Thank you everyone, what great responses!

Lillamy, I love the idea that these are my new chances to practice. I think that's right. I think I've been given these challenges so I can really learn this new healthier behavior. And IzzyRose, the idea that I need to not let others effect my stillness and light is exactly right. It's like I give so many other people permission they shouldn't have to do that, and it can wreck my day lickety split. Working really hard on not doing that anymore.

For me I think I am really inspecting WHYYYY has it mattered so much to preserve or protect or shelter other people's feelings about their dysfunction at my own expense? Why, for example, when someone is in my office spewing negativity, I have let them continue and tried to solve their problems and even soothed and consoled when it creates this toxic cloud on me and I'd be lots happier if I just drew a boundary that didn't absorb all that muck.

I'm in a problem-solving position (manager) in a problem solving profession (legal aid), so there's also that. I'm realizing I've made institutional choices that reinforce this enabling, codependent behavior. And that realization is both liberating and scares the crap out of me. Because I want to be done with the unhealthy parts of this.

Florence

Yep, me too. I also find that I am really intolerant of other people's "partying" habits, bad behavior excuse making, and whatnot.

It turns out boundaries are boundaries!

Mightyqueen801

OH YES, and it continues to this day. I expect that this recovery-from-codependency thing will last for the rest of my life. I'm still finding areas where it creeps in, and I get mad at myself but I also make healthy decisions to NOT ALLOW IT ANYMORE. And these are things that have nothing to do with people drinking, but rather with people saying/doing things to me that a healthy person does not allow. And I'm still getting healthier and I'm not allowing it, so there.

I have a "friend" who is currently living in another country. I hear from her occasionally, and she's always got some sort of suggestion about what she thinks I should do, which most of the time lately means travel to the other side of the world and visit her. Meanwhile, she never asks what's going on in my life and when I offer the information (such as, "Well, I can't travel to the Middle East right now because my daughter just graduated from college and I have some heavy debt to pay off and if I HAD money to travel, I'd probably take my kid on a trip to somewhere other than where you are...") she doesn't address it or acknowledge it. I wrote it off that she's got money, so maybe she just doesn't get it that not everyone does.

And I also know that she was here in the US last winter for three weeks and never once called me to let me know, even though her family lives a few miles from where I am.

So I noticed that the last time I responded to one of these "Here's what you should do" emails and didn't hear from her, I found myself wondering if I'd said something offensive to her or if I hadn't worded my email carefully enough to get my point across...and then the DING DING DING bells rang and the lightbulb came on and I thought to myself, DUH, Self. If this was a real friend, she would get where you are coming from. You shouldn't have to worry about how to word things or if you are offending her by telling the truth about your situation.

I heard from her again, with another email "challenging" me to find a way to get over there and visit her. I decided I wasn't going to respond. At all. I'm done. That was three months ago, and it still feels good.

Carlotta

I have noticed too that as I got healthier and stopped automatically reacting, I was able to see more clearly other people's craziness and dysfunction. The good thing about having boundaries and not living in react mode is that I have a choice to tolerate their behavior or walk away and not let it affect me.

funkynassau

Absolutely I've noticed I dont take crap the way I used to. My brother, who is not an alcoholic or druggie, in fact he's a shrink (!) has dumped on me in ways that were unimaginable to me, I never saw any of his toxic behaviour coming my way and I was shocked to say the least. It took me a while to figure it out, but I did, and in the end I had to remove him from my life. We havent spoken in a couple of years and that's fine, I dont need his toxicity invading my life and messing with my head. I belong to another forum about toxic families and it helped me a lot and made me see that I am not alone.

I never did tolerate BS very well from anyone and I really dont tolerate it now. There really is a lot of it in this world and it's hard to find people who arent wacky in negative way. Fun wacky is good, bad wacky isnt.

Linkmeister

Having the A in my life sent me to the rooms of Al-Anon where I learned so much about A's and their behaviour and my behaviour as well.

Now that the A is no longer in my life, the principles of Al-Anon have helped me cope with others in my life who are dysfunctional in one way or another. I now know that I have choices as to how I deal with them. I know what boundaries are and am not afraid to set and stick by them. Those boundaries may have made some people leave my life, but that was their choice. I recognize manipulation and others trying to control me through manipulation. I now know that I have the choice to walk away from crazy-making.

My mantras now are "Respond, not React", "Take what you like and Leave the Rest", the Serenity Prayer, "No is a complete sentence" and "Detatch, Detach, Detach." While I am still facing challenges, but these principles have helped me meet and deal with them in a way that doesn't send me into panic or react mode.

funkynassau

I like that! - NO is a complete sentence

sadielady

Linkmeister, your mantras are wonderful! Can you elaborate more on "Respond, not react"? I know that's one where I need to do some real work and I would love any more info or elaboration on what you mean and how you do it. Thank you!!

Linkmeister

sadielady: Along with Al-Anon literature, I found a book "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend to be a huge help to me. That's where I found the concept of "Respond, not React." It is written from a Christian perspective but the concepts on how to set boundaries with different people in your life helped me more than I can say.

When I look back on how I dealt with confrontations in my life, I see now how I would "react" to a given situation, it would be strictly an emotional thing, I would fly off the handle, say the first thing that came into my head which would usually make the situation worse than it already was. It was almost like an instinct for me to behave like that instead of taking a breath or counting to 10 to give myself some breathing room. If the person insists on continuing, I will walk away or go out of the room before things really escalate.

When I was with my ABF and he would relapse, he would always try and bait me into fighting so he would have that excuse to blame me for relapsing and drinking. In the beginning, I would take it personally, would obsess about what I had done and how I could "change" things so it wouldn't happen again. When I began to understand that I had no control over him relapsing or drinking, I stopped taking his bait and left him alone. He would escalate the baiting and the more I stopped reacting to this, the more he would try to goad me. I would leave the house, hang up the phone, do whatever it took to walk away from him.

It's not easy to do this, whether with an A, or others in your life who are dysfunctional. I'm still a work in progress where this is concerned but have come a long way from a few years ago. Setting boundaries is a huge part of this equation - I still read the Cloud and Townsend book, along with Melody Beattie when I need a pick me up. To me, knowledge is power and the more you understand, the better you are prepared to do what you have to do.

There are people in my life who can still set me off still and there are times when I find myself opening my mouth to react. The difference now is that I can step back (in my head) , take a breath before reacting. I can set a boundary when necessary and stick to it. I can say "no" without an explanation and mean it. I have learned that I have no control over others and how they respond or react. I can apologize to someone if I was in the wrong.

As I said before, I am a work in progress and there are times that I react and say or do the first thing that comes to mind. The difference is that I am aware of all of it and have the tools to understand.

sadielady

Wow Linkmeister, THANK YOU! What wise words, I'm so thankful that you took the time to tell me all that and share your experience and wisdom. I just browsed the cloud and Townsend books and ordered two!! I know saying No without an explanation and responding without emotional reaction are my sore spots. All over life, but I'm realizing work is a very tricky place for me. So much caught up in where I think my value is as a problem solver. Everything is turning on its head in a really good way, good in the long rub but wayyyyy unstable right now!

Thank you again so much. You've given me so much to think about

Linkmeister

sadielady. I hope those books are as much help to you as they still are to me. BTW, I am a lifelong work in progress - glad what I shared can be of some help!!!!!