Alcoholics, Depression, and Crushing Hope.
 

I’m feeling kind of vulnerable tonight. I just got off the phone with my husband. I’m at work. He sounds down again. Depressed. Just like he was when he was drinking before his heart surgery. I asked him what was wrong. He said that he didn't know. He said he just feels depressed. I asked him what he was doing, and he said sitting in his car. He was letting the AC blow on him. It’s over 100 degrees outside, and in the past he only sat in his car when he was drinking. Is he drinking tonight? He said no, but only he knows the truth. He talked about how he just wants to go to sleep and sleep for a long time, and that nothing excites him anymore. I advised him that it might be wise for him to talk to his doctor about his feelings. This conversation was a huge blow to me. It stabbed me in the heart. The days preceding he seemed really happy. I loved seeing his smile. I loved hearing him sing. He had surprised me with breakfast, and was excited about making new healthy meals. He told me that he has been fronting his enjoyment for weeks now. He told me that he forced himself to do daily activities. According to him he forced himself to do the very same activities I thought we were really enjoying together. I thought we were finally connecting again. I thought maybe we really can reconcile our marriage. *Stupid codependent hope.* I looked forward to spending time with him. Man, when they tell you not to expect anything from an alcoholic they weren’t lying. You can’t even expect that their reactions are telling the truth alcohol or not.

I guess I can just take that I know my enjoyment has been real these past few weeks. I busted out laughing several times as we played Badminton on the front lawn and the wind took the Birdie every which way. I enjoyed making the winning toss in Washers. Cooling off in the neighborhood pool was so nice. I felt good knowing that despite the years that have past I can still make a three point shot in Basketball. I even enjoyed staying in and working on a jigsaw puzzle with him or watching a marathon of the seasons of Lost.

Is he really telling me that he didn’t enjoy any of that? This is crushing me tonight. Why am I letting him hurt me again?

Great big hugs to you. It's funny, but all of the activities you did with your AH are things that we've done and found connection from: doing jigsaw puzzles, playing badminton the lawn, etc.
My AH is currently in a depression phase, as well, and I am feeling much like you are. I just started a thread about my codependency rearing it's ugly head again, LOL! The only thing I can suggest is do what I'm doing: take care of you. You enjoyed those moments with him and yes, they were real and he probably enjoyed them too. He is an alcoholic and they suffer from issues with shame. My AH used to tell me that he felt guilty if he enjoyed anything because his own guilt and shame would kick in and he'd think he didn't deserve the enjoyment. He'd have to force himself to enjoy something and we lived like this for years, but I was truly blind to it for so long. So, I don't think your experiences with him were false, he just can't let himself feel the real feelings it created. They live behind mirrors, behind false selves, and that in itself doesn't allow them to truly have joy in the here and now. If they do, it is fleeting and their perspective becomes distorted by the alcoholic thinking. It tells them something different, and they start to believe it. I may be totally off base here, too, by the way, but this is how my AH has told me about his experiences(only when he really is in a communication phase with me, which he isn't right now).

I think he's full of you-know-what. When people get really down, they look in the rearview mirror with that same lens. You were there; he was having a good time. Don't let his funk color your memories and sway your truth.

You know him better than anybody, but not better than he knows himself. This I think is true of everyone, A or not.
Did he belly laugh? You said you busted out laughing, did he? There's a noticeable difference between a real laugh and a fake one.
Were his eyes shining? You know the stuff that can't be faked.
All that aside though, I think you feel betrayed because you thought you were both having good times.
I sure can understand feeling betrayed in those circumstances.
Is he "faking it until he makes it" ?
I would simply say that I had a really good time, and was sorry he didn't think the times were as good. Maybe that will plant a seed in his head to reconsider whether those were actually fun times after all.
The rest is his baggage to work through.

Hi MtSlide; I can relate to your story so very much. After a year of giving my EXAB space to recover in AA we were recently talking about a reconciliation. We had been platonic for this year and then we made love, we had such good times in the last 6 weeks. Open talk, mellow, movies, holding hands. And then he disappeared. He emailed me several days later; 10 days ago, that he was confused, and didn't feel that way about me anymore. And he is gone. So, I am left again with absolute confusion and doubting...was it real? Didn't he say all those things? Didn't we laugh and talk about the future, and didn't we plan to find a couples counselor. Didn't we make love... Did he fake the whole thing? Why did he wait until I said "yes" to give it another shot? So, my head is spinning. I have gone to thinking there is something wrong with me to have felt those feelings of love and happiness with him to saying, "Hell NO!, I felt those feelings, they were real for ME! I don't know what happened in his heart/mind/emotions in the last several weeks and perhaps I will never know. Even though my EX-AB has been sober for over a year, does not mean he knows how to handle his emotions. He is 52 and probably will be all over the map emotionally for a long time. I think dealing with depression for a recovering alcoholic can be unmanageable for them. They are used to self medicating and now dealing with a roller coaster of emotions without anesthesia. I know mine doesn't really have the insight or skills to navigate the bumpy ride. But when it comes to me; I know what I feel, and felt, and I am not ashamed I gave it a shot. It's normal to want to trust, to love, to believe what someone is saying. Having hope is normal. But we are all dealing with people who can't offer this kind of stability and consistency. So MtSlide, don't doubt yourself...what you felt is real and that is what matters. Your AH needs a doctor and a therapist to support himself during this roller coaster.

Love/hugs

Carrie

it's so hard to know what is really going on with anyone but ourselves. maybe he did get hit with a funk, maybe a series of good days taxed his reserves. it sounds cyclical....depression? male pms?

try to put some space between HIS Moods and you...you DID have a nice time, you DID laugh, you DID knock back a 3 pointer from downtown and you DID enjoy yourself. don't minimize that simply because he's having a whatever episode.

you made the right suggestion that he talk to his doctor. that's a reasonable thing to do! how HE decides to handle this is up to him.

I like Anvil's take on this. Take a step back and realize that his feelings aren't yours. And yours don't need to mirror or be related to his.

I find this to be one of the most difficult parts of recovery - learning to not take on the feelings of the people around me.