wife1020

I am a newcomer. I have not been to an al-anon meeting because of time, daycare, availability. I hope to make connections here on SR for support.

After several years of AH progression with drinking and myself being co-dependent I finally realized I could not continue anymore with this lifestyle. What I thought was normal I suddenly realized was not okay.
I had a wake up call after whining and complaining to other family members for 2 years.
In March I finally put my foot down. I stopped taking care of AH and started changing MY life.

Now its July. In the last four months:[LIST=1][*]I got an awesome dream job in my hometown! God is good.[*]We were able to move back to family and friends after being out of the area for 6 years because of my new job. [*]I am renting a dream house that is great for my kids.[*]AH was put on clonezepam which triggered his drinking tenfold. It was awful. [*]He attempted a 30 day detox/IP and left after 4 days because he thought he was okay.

He has not been able to stay sober. I am not sure how often he drinks. Maybe once a week now if I figure it out? He still hides, lies. I have no trust and I have already made a deposit for attorney for legal separation but something is holding me back. I am not sure what. Maybe one last big mess up that I think will come?
I am the only one that has worked for the last 4 years. I support me and the three kids all alone. He has no where to go if I ask him to leave. But this cannot be my problem. My kids and I deserve stability and peace.

dandylion

wife1020, the answer most likely lies somewhere in the FOG F=fear 0=obligation G=guilt.

I have found it helpful, when stuck and feel MY OWN resistance to moving forward is to write the list of fears that I visualize on a piece of paper. Sometimes, it is even hard to admit to ourselves what our exact fears are!! Because it brings the fearful things into the realm of reality. Once we have admitted and listed our true fears---Ta Da! We have our to do list----and then we can begin our baby steps toward the goal.

dandylion

marie1960

He is an adult, he can find a place to go........

It's not like you are throwing a helpless child out into the street.

Hopefully, the attorney can answer some questions.

Even if you were ordered to pay temporary spousal support, I would view it as the best money I ever wasted.

Sending you support!

MakingMeHappy

Congratulations on the great job! Your story is similar to mine. My STBX AH didn't work for the last 5 years we lived together. While we only have one child, it was hard for me to finally make the decision to ask him to leave. I kept worrying about what would happen to him. He is an adult and should be responsible for his own choices, just like your husband. You will know when the time is right. Just keep focusing on you and your children. The children should always come first, not the AH. That is what made me make the decision for my family. I didn't want my DD to grow up thinking this was normal behavior. She deserves to grow up in a happy, healthy home. So do your kiddos! I am sending you positive thoughts and strength.

atalose

Dandylion is right on with the FOG – F=fear O-obligation G=guilt

Once you work your way through those, your decision will set much easier on your mind.

wife1020

the last 3 days we have had extensive talks. This feels like the first time we have really opened up and communicated in years. I never would before because he is an alcoholic and would not remember or be selfish, blaming and irrational.
I feel hopeful after this week but still guarded. He has not even been sober 30 days and when I keep saying that he laughs like thats a dumb goal to reach for. I just know that now being sober maybe 7 days since the last relaspe, this could end at any moment. Thankfully he has picked up hours and is working but what happens the next idle day he is home alone. I have it set in my mind that he will relapse again and I am just waiting for it to happen. This makes him mad that I dont trust him but how can I trust him so soon...

dandylion

Wife, you did not mention if he currently working any kind of program. Maintaining sobriety is not as likely if the alcoholic is not willing to embrace a program and work diligently---esp. during the early recovery period. Even in the best of circumstances, most people, spouse and alcoholic alike, report that the first year is a difficult road--even with no relapse! It is just tough.

Even living with a newly alcoholic---one has to learn to zip it when it comes to the spouse's program and to detach a great deal. Perhaps a sepearation could be an option to give BOTH of you the best chance.

I offer this as food for thought........

It is said that early recovery is the most vulnerable period for an alcoholic marriage.

dandylion

Santa

Two things. First, if one is waiting for something *really bad* to happen, which will make it obvious that he has to go, well it might not. Your own private hell could just go on and on at a low bubble. That's what happened to me...it took me 20 years to figure out he was never going to change. For half of that time my plan became to outlive him, then maybe I'd have 10 good years. Then it finally dawned on me - what if I don't? What if THIS is the rest of my life?

Second, it helped me to mentally reverse our roles. Would I ever, in a million years, have the nerve to sit around the house, pissing and moaning about poor me, getting bombed daily while everyone else walks on eggshells? No? So what gives him the right? And why in the world am I allowing him that right?

lillamy

I recognize that. I think what I was looking for at that point was an event that nobody could argue was sufficient to motivate my leaving him. I remember thinking "I wish he would hit me, because then I would have evidence that he is abusive so that I can leave."

The thing is, when you're living with an addict, or a person who is abusive without being an addict, you're like the proverbial frog in the pot -- you adjust to the temperature being turned up to the point where you survive heat that would kill you if you jumped straight into it. I would think to myself "well, at least he isn't drinking till he pukes" and then when he started doing that, I found another way in which it could be worse and talked myself out of leaving.

I think what it boiled down to for me was that I wanted to make sure I had other people's agreement that my situation was untenable. I didn't trust my own judgment. And I see the same thing in so many posts here -- questions like "Am I just demanding too much?" and "At least he's not hitting me/cheating on me/beating the kids"...

I was lucky enough to have a friend witness how AXH talked to (yelled at) me one day when I walked into the house and was on the phone and AXH didn't know that. Just hearing that one person say "what your AH is doing is ABUSE and I just want you to know that you don't have to put up with it" was all I needed to start planning my escape. I just needed verification that I wasn't crazy, that this was unacceptable.

You don't need anyone's permission. You always have an absolute right to leave a situation that is unhealthy for you. And, if I might add that, you are doing your children a favor.

wife1020

dandylion-you are correct, he is not working any program and I dont think he will. he thinks he cannot relate to any of them and he just wants to read his own books on recovery and alcoholism from the library. I have stacks of them, I am on probably book#10 and I cant get enough. but usually he doesnt even look at them. He did start to read one called "Love Hope and Recovery" and I think he got a few chapters in. He said it was exactly what he was going through. He started to take notes. And then that was last week and I have not seen him pick it up since. He is definitly a procrastianor and wont finish anything he starts completely.

wife1020

[QUOTE=lillamy;4090032]I recognize that. I think what I was looking for at that point was an event that nobody could argue was sufficient to motivate my leaving him. I remember thinking "I wish he would hit me, because then I would have evidence that he is abusive so that I can leave."

The thing is, when you're living with an addict, or a person who is abusive without being an addict, you're like the proverbial frog in the pot -- you adjust to the temperature being turned up to the point where you survive heat that would kill you if you jumped straight into it. I would think to myself "well, at least he isn't drinking till he pukes" and then when he started doing that, I found another way in which it could be worse and talked myself out of leaving.

I think what it boiled down to for me was that I wanted to make sure I had other people's agreement that my situation was untenable. I didn't trust my own judgment. And I see the same thing in so many posts here -- questions like "Am I just demanding too much?" and "At least he's not hitting me/cheating on me/beating the kids"...

This is so dead on. I am so grateful I found this website and these forums. I feel like people I can finally connect to and understand are here. My friends and family are all sick of my whining for 2 years now.

wife1020

And of course this week is back to him being sober all week. He has worked almost a full 40 hours and now we are heading into the weekend. I think he will stay sober because we plan to be home all weekend and he can't get away with it when I am home. He does have to work Saturday a half day too. So its hard because here I am justifying: hes working! he was sober this week. we are talking more. Maybe there is hope. Do I really want to go to the attorney? Maybe I should wait another week and see what happens. I dont want to rush into a legal thing and start having to drop money at the attorney office if things are going to start getting better. I hate being on the fence. I hate him being sweet and "normal" this week and being a good nice husband because it makes it hard to stay strong and keep my guard up. He asked me last night if I still loved him. I honestly dont even know. I didnt have an answer I just started crying and tearing up. What is that supposed to mean?!

fml23

Wife1020 your story sounds very similar to mine! I found this very helpful to read, as I have suddenly realized the crippling part and 'on the fence' feeling for me is a trust and control issue. I am scared of the future and scared to let go of the expectations. Just like lillamy said I don't trust my own judgement.
You, and only you, know what is best for you and you will do what works for you! Sounds like you have an exit strategy planned so maybe the question your asking yourself is too big!

Springs

wife - congrats on all you have done for yourself and your kids. It's inspiring. You didn't mention what effect you think your husband's behavior is having on your kids. Is that a factor in your decision?

Santa

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Just remember, it's ultimately your decision what to do with your life and whether you are better off with him or without him. He doesn't get to decide for you depending on what mood he's in, by being nice or getting drunk. Being nice for a week and getting off his butt can still be part of a cycle of abuse. (My ex still thinks that if he is pleasant here and there, I must deal with him on his terms. And we've been divorced more than 2 years.)

That's what people on this thread are trying to tell you. Your own happiness and taking the best care of your kids are more than reason enough for any decision you end up making - whether that's leaving the marriage or staying in it.

bobbysocks

Its not only your life, but you have children. Keep moving forward for you and them. you all deserve better. You can do it!

wife1020

An update to those that were in this forum: On 7/30 he stayed home from work. I had sick feeling all day just knowing what he was probably doing. sure enough, he cant control his desires. He drank I am not sure what or how much, I tried to find proof but couldn't. He is too good at hiding it now. He denied, lied, tried to play it cool but I knew.
I was scheduled to meet a lady from church who went through this 10 years ago so I took our 16month old with me and left the older 2 kids home to play with the kids on the street. I knew they would be okay. When I got back from our meeting. (which was not any help-she told me to be loving and show support and give into his "physical needs" he keeps trying to get from me, BUT she had to leave her husband and get a restraining order at one point, she felt contradicting to me)
Anyways-once home he was in the shower brushing his teeth. Typical, trying to cover up his mistakes for the day. He then stayed in a towel despite my requests to get dressed. He was laying all over the couch and wanting to talk. (We have a 10 year old daughter, I just wanted him to at least get some shorts on for decency)
He proceeded to tell me how un-loving I have been since the birth of our oldest and I am not a good, caring wife. He is mad as h*ll I won't put out to him in the bedroom anymore. Although he used the F word to describe it which I hate. and more badgering me about how I am to blame and he was going back to 7 years ago when he didn't love me but he stayed with me...blah blah. I let him talk knowing it was partially him being intoxicated still. I could smell it and I can tell the way he talks.
So that was it. I just played nice and let him pass out to bed.
this morning I got kids to daycare and on the way to work I emailed the attorney that we need to meet to file a separation, its time. I deserve better than this.
H called me to apologize for his behavior last night. He admitted he has demons and he cant control.
I was strong and told him: Its time for you to look for somewhere to go live for awhile
I dont need to be treated this way

and the most upsetting part from yesterday was he DROVE and picked up the kids AGAIN. Who knows how many times he does this after drinking and it doesnt seem to phase him that it might be a BAD thing.

Recovering2

Sounds like this is the "one big mess" you were waiting for. He is blaming you for his choices and his alcoholism. Fact: you didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, can't Control it.

He will not be able to stay sober as long as he is unwilling to work a true recovery program. Simply abstaining from alcohol does nothing to help the A learn how to deal with life on life's terms. So there is no reason for you to hope that he'll get sober and stay sober...he won't.

Find an AlAnon group. Make the time. Many groups have child care. It will be an important hour to invest in your future. Trust me, after a couple of meetings, you will find a way to get there. It is that important in your recovery.

Your children are in harms way if he's driving with them in the car. The sooner you get them away from him the better. You're not taking them, his choices dictate that they aren't safe with him. Again, his choice. I think separating for now is a good idea. Doesn't sound like things are going to get better anytime soon.

Hugs to you.....

Jazzman

I remember being in the same position and it dawned on me, there's no law that says I could not remarry her if she ever gets sober. I think a marriage licence costs like ten bucks?

But I needed to #1 protect my children and get her out of the house, #2 live separate and apart for everyones emotional health and #3, separate our finances to protect my ability to provide for myself and my children. Once those boxes were all checked off I could worry about the ten bucks later.

lillamy

Yeah, it gets frustrating to hear the same story over and over from someone who has the power to end it. But we've pretty much all been there, so we know what it's like.
It's like the story about the two guys in the old South who sat out on the porch swinging and every once and again, the dog sitting there with them would howl.
So the visiting dude asked, "why's she howlin'?" and the owner said "cuz she's sittin' on a nail."
Visiting dude asked, "Why don't she move, then?"
Owner said, "She will, when she hurts bad enough."