brownhorse

I left the XAH and am definitely looking at being with positive, supportive people. I found in my recovery that my issues started as a child. My dad was an ACOA and very loud and angry. My sister is the same way. She just seems to snap. She is one-sided, irrational and sometimes downright mean. (Examples: made fun of me until she was crying from laughter because I had my Dog's ashes on my fireplace, was jealous at MY son's funeral because "people seem to forget I lost a nephew, too, and constantly tells me I should of done like her and found a "nice" husband. Like I asked for it). Anyway, I was always taught to take it, keep the peace, and not push her buttons.

It is now a mess. She called me mad at my mom. I kind stuck up for her and it ended up in my sister and I not speaking. I realize this is probably a good thing, but my mom now makes comments about if we could just talk or I could get along with her. I can honestly say the only thing I did wrong was let it bottle up. I feel like I am dealing with my XAH but worse, my mom expects me never to talk to him but cater to my sister. I live a few hours from my sister so normally I do not see her very often. She does not get along with others in my family, either. I have never had a problem with any of them. Not to mention, I was defending my mom and now she keeps saying "she is Switzerland".

Problem is I will have to eventually see her. Christmas is small, just my parents, her, and me. My kids love hers and they are the only other kids in the family. I want my kids to have Christmas with other kids.

My sister has been drinking when a few of the situations took place. But, I think she is mean, drunk or not. I know I am trying to please them and should just make plans when my sister won't be there. This all sounds like I am trying to please everyone else. It is just so hard when you are newly single, have your kids all the time and your only other option is to be alone.

SparkleKitty

It's not your job to keep the peace. And it is okay to tell your mom that, you know? You can say, "Mom, I understand that the distance between sis and I bothers you but it's what I need right now, and it doesn't have anything to do with you." i.e., kindly mind your own business. You are your mom have a relationship that is, and needs to be, separate from the one you have with your sister and the one she has with your sister.

Christmas is a ways away and not worth worrying too much about right now. By then, a few hours in your sister's company may be manageable if you have good detachment skills and low expectations. And if it isn't okay, then an answer will present itself then.

This reminds me of the dynamic in our home, my two siblings and I are all ACoA's. It's common practice for no one to talk directly to the person they are having an issue with. It's always, "You tell your sister that I'm not doing blah blah blah..." and "Next time you talk to Mom tell her I said..." etc.

The day I learned to say, "Tell them yourself" was the day things started to turn around for me. Only took thirty-five years!