bobbysocks

I guess Im looking for words of comfort. As those of you who have read my posts know, i am married to an alcoholic husband. To make a long story short, things got so bad i couldnt live with the drinking anymore so I flat out told him absolutely no more drinking in my home-PERIOD! OK- he has not drank. He knows full well now that if he drinks he must go. He has been acting like a 3yr old child since. (I'm NOT backing down on my decision of no alcohol here). I had never allowed alcohol in my home till I met him and I gave in to "a few beers now and again" (out of stupidity-knowing what it would become). he didnt respect that and took it way beyond extremes. He does things that are so childish. I went in debt to get him a nice out building to store his lawn mower, tools, etc in. He made it into a drunk shed where he'd "hide" (like I couldnt check the shed) his alcohol and get drunk and play music so loud the neighbors complained. I never once said a word about the shed- it isnt paid for by a long shot. But since I put a stop to the alcohol he says to let the shed go back to the company-he doesn't need it anymore. He only wanted it for a "drunk" shed to start with. had I known that, I'd never have went in debt for it. I can let it go back and it wont hurt my credit. But its the principal of it. Its only $70 per month, but if he leaves, I can not afford it. I know all the decisions have to be made by me. Im just sharing what's going on. I guess I just need an uplifing word or two. He is so hateful when he speaks to me and says mean things and talks down to me like Im 2 yrs old. Im just so sick of it all. I dont want to be alone, although I was for years before I met him. But Im beginning to believe I'd be better off alone than to live with him whether he is drunk or sober. Oh well- thanks for allowing me to vent. It helps to talk to people who understand.

SparkleKitty

Sadly, I think a lot of people learn the hard way that once an asshat stops drinking, all you are left with is a sober asshat.

I am sorry you are dealing with someone who has such difficulty behaving like an adult. You deserve better than that in a partner. Please vent here whenever you like. Sending you strength and patience.

LexieCat

You don't want the shed, he doesn't want the shed. You can return the shed without any problem, or else pay $70 a month to keep it. Tell me what the reason would be for keeping it.

Have you been to Al-Anon?

Believe me, I get how miserable you are. I've been there. But I can't give you much hope for your life getting better until you are ready to make some serious changes in it. If you're ready for that, we can help you along the way. But nothing changes if nothing changes. Doesn't sound as if he's about to. What about you?

dandylion

bobbysocks, he is being worse than a child, in my opinion---he is being abusive.

A word about boundaries--if you make a boundary and don't back it up---then this sends the message that your words are meaningless. You made a boundary that you say that you KNEW would be violated. You both know that your boundaries are, basically hollow.
When we fall into this trap, it usually means that we are desperate to control that person's drinking and hang on to the relationship. Problem is---it always backfires on us.

He will either drink or not---what are you going to do??

Alanon is there to help you with this.

dandylion

honeypig

bobbysocks, I totally get it about being mad. It's not fair, and it really pi$$es a person off. I can surely relate.

There was a thread here yesterday? day before? about anger, and some of the advice given was to use the power of that anger to fuel your own changes. As Lexie said, nothing changes if nothing changes, and all that energy is being wasted on someone who won't benefit from it.

There seems to be a balance between feeling your feelings, which needs to be done, and being overwhelmed by them, which doesn't let things get done. I wish you clarity in trying to walk that fine line.

Again, to second Lexie, if you haven't been to Alanon, you might want to consider it sooner rather than later. There were a couple of "first Alanon meeting" threads rolling around here in the past day or two also.

Hoping you find a positive use for that steam!

bobbysocks

DANDYLION, I am going to stick to my guns as far as the drinking is concerned. Absolutely NO alcohol here. not now, not later. If he even brings one beer here he is GONE! I wont allow someone to put me thru that he** again. And I told him so again yesterday when he brought up something about beer (dont remember the entire conversation). If he wants to stay and stay 100% sober, and we can work things out, fine. But even sober if he doesnt want to thats fine too. I CAN live without him.

theuncertainty

Just throwing it out for consideration: No alcohol in the house doesn't necessarily mean he won't be drunk at home.

honeypig

This was my thought also, and it also doesn't mean he won't be sneaking it, keeping things just below the level where anyone can be SURE he's drinking. Some A's are incredibly good at that (says the woman who has been fooled for more years than you can imagine....).

When they said didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it, it is all true--and this attempt to control it will likely not work any better than anyone else's attempts at control in the long run, either, I fear.

bobbysocks

uncertainty and honepig you are both correct. however, he doesnt have a vehicle. i have the only keys to my car. unless he walks about 8(each way) miles to the liquor store, he cant get there. beer on the other hand he can walk 5 minutes and get it. but he hasnt yet.he as no friends, (HIS CHOICE) so he has no one to sneak him alcohol. he knows im keeping a very clsoe eye on him and ill know if he sneaks it in, or has 1 drink. i can tell immediatly if he has had even one half a beer. the lady that owns the store here near the house is a long time friend of mine and she will tell me if he buys beer. believe me- she hates it too even though she sells it. but, having said all this, i cannot control his drinking or him. all i can say that i know for sure is if he does, he is outta here right then. the only thing i can control is my decisions, my life. in the long run im sure he will drink again. i am prepared to put the door between me and him when it happens.

theuncertainty

To add a little levity: I was completely hearing the "I had to walk 10 miles to get there. In the snow. Uphill. Both ways." lol