cr995

For anybody who is a RA - when active were you in fact miserable? Or did you feel life was good in the fog?

LexieCat

It can feel pretty good while you're IN the fog, but when you come out you're miserable enough that you either go back in or decide that you've had enough.

amy55

I had to think about this one. Initially I would have answered yes to both questions. After giving this one some thought, I did drink when I felt miserable, and drinking did put me in a fog, I drank to numb myself. I did that for a really long time.

Thing is, when I wasn't feeling miserable I didn't have to drink, didn't have to numb myself until I was able to fall asleep for the night.

Later on, I no longer went into "my fog", it wasn't numbing me anymore. Everything was still there. So as I would sit in my car, in my garage each night, in the cold, trying to stay out of my ex's way, I started to think. It was like the drinking was giving me "liquid courage". I had my most sobering thoughts when I was drinking. In my head I was probably trying to think of a way out of my marriage and into a better life. I had really good plans, I had it all planned out, but I couldn't do anything about it, because I was drunk. (lol) I had wished they could bottle that "liquid courage" into something that I could use when I was sober.

They actually do though. It's called "coping skills". I didn't have these. I needed to learn these.

So was I miserable? of course I was, I had nightly pity-parties.

Was life good in the fog? no, because I knew I had to change my life, it was the one thing that I really feared. So then I drank some more to numb out that feeling also.

I was on a hamster wheel, until I stepped off of it. I spent too many years having my own pity party.


PS - Lexie's answer to this is probably a shorter version to what I just typed. (lol)

cr995

So are you saying that when intoxicated it feels good - but as soon as sobriety comes on it feels miserable until having a few more drinks?

Also were you able to stop drinking on will power alone or did you need a program/support?

Carlotta

I drank to self medicate and it was awful. Being drunk and not being able to stop made my depression worst. I was planning my suicide. I am content in my sobriety and have no desire to drink. Like everyone , I might have some days which are not as good as others but all in all I feel balanced.
I did not want to even take a risk with will power. I go to AA and Women for Sobriety and also use AVRT techniques. I never want to drink again so the more tools I have on my belt, the less chances it will happen. Also in my case, I am a very sociable person but when my depression kicks in and when drinking I turn into a recluse.
My disease is one of complete isolation (I live alone and drank alone, no one knew) so I do need face to face support.
When I feel like isolating, it raises a red fag for me and I have to stop and determine whether it is an healthy desire for solitude and reflection or whether it is my depression and my alcoholism trying to creep in.

Edited to add, I don't miss drinking, I cannot stand the taste of alcohol and I see no point in social drinking or catching a little "buzz". I drank purely to self medicate and obliterate myself.

Carlotta

Alcoholism takes many forms and alcoholics are individuals. The only one thing we have in common is that we cannot safely drink because we have a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol.
After quitting, some people have a really hard time and the cravings never stop, they also might keep a nasty personality while others just resume a normal life immediately and have no cravings or desire to drink.
And then, others are in between sometimes struggling and sometimes ok, in general things get easier with time.

amy55

Nope, not saying that, saying I felt miserable sober, felt miserable drunk. I self-medicated. Drinking kept me in an abusive relationship way longer then I should have stayed around. So in fact, I kept myself miserable.

Getting sober - I had a 6'3'' 210 lb tumor removed from my a$$. Then I was remembering all the therapy that I had went to and how I lied my way through that. I was always trying to use whatever I could to keep my marriage. It's a good thing that I remembered my therapy, because now I was using it for me, that and SR.

Agreeing with Carlotta, that alcoholism takes many forms, and alcoholics are individuals.

Each one is different, each has there own set of problems. Each recovery can be different.

LexieCat

I was referring, in my answer, to how I felt during my active alcoholism. When I was drunk I mostly felt good--it was when I wasn't that I didn't. An active alcoholic who isn't drinking at the moment (as opposed to someone who is actually in recovery) tends to feel pretty miserable.

If an alcoholic felt better sober than while drinking it would be easy to quit and stay quit.

funkynassau

I'd like to respond even tho I am not an alcoholic, but the ex friend of one who is. He drinks to self medicate, he told me it helps him cope. Cope with what? I'm not sure, he's retired, got a good pension, he's 56, has his own house in a small town like he always wanted, all those are good things. He says it helps with the stress he feels. Stress from what? Not sure on that either. He lives with his elderly mother whom he fights with on a daily basis, so that would cause stress, therefore he drinks even more.

He's depressed most of the time, beer does not make him happy or feel good. He's pretty much always negative and miserable, it's rare he seems any form of happy. In the fog he's worse than when he's first awake in the day and hasnt yet got into the beer.

Madtown

This is what I struggle to understand. If alcoholism is a disease, and I'm not saying I don't think it is, how can one ever "decide" they've had enough? I'm not saying I don't believe you Lexi, I just struggle to understand this concept, and how the addict ever comes to this conclusion, certainly if their brain has been rewired as a result of their behavior.

LexieCat

It's not a logical, deeply-thought-out conclusion. It's more like a moment of clarity, where the fog momentarily lifts and you can SEE. Lots of people think that's a "God thing."

In my own experience and observation of other alcoholics, moments of clarity have a limited shelf-life. The fog lifts, the window opens. If you do not ACT on it, by throwing yourself into recovery with everything you've got, the window closes, and the fog settles back in. It may be months, years, or decades before the window opens again. For some people it never does.

So even though you have that moment--that golden moment--it's very possible to fail to recognize its significance, to postpone recovery until x, y, or z happens, and therefore to lose it. Alcoholics are not utterly without volition. But usually the amount of effort involved in deciding NEVER TO DRINK AGAIN, and actually doing the work to make that happen, feels so monumental that it takes a true gift of desperation to make that leap.

Madtown

Gotcha. My family member who is struggling has checked himself into detox before, and started down the road of rehab. But, unfortunately didn't last too long. That both makes me feel good, that he saw the need to change and acted on it, but also worries me that he wasn't too successful. Hopefully he tries again, instead of seeing it as an unattainable task.

Bubovski

I had a horribly long roller coaster ride.
Drinking to escape shyness and a sense of alienation I initially chose alcohol which provided a bizarre,degrading, and ultimately miserable state of being.
Far from becoming a mouth from the south, I aimlessly wallowed in a sea of intoxication with deviates and low lives like myself.
Later the problem would be further exacerbated by decades of benzo addiction.

My pretend life, while not much fun, must have been preferable to sobriety in the really bad days.I am amazed at how long I battered myself with alcohol and drugs in order to alleviate the major debilitating disease of alcoholism which was not then a consideration.

Today, in accepting I have this disease and irrespective of any other illnesses, and taking on board a compatible spirituality,humbling a dangerous ego, engaging positively with fellow addicts,keeping it simple, and considering AA principles I really believe I have found the catalyst for other past endeavours (self help, psychology etc) and am at long last on the right track.

cr995

I must be sick because my knowing or thinking he's miserable makes me feel better. Not just to be mean but I am hoping that the penny will drop that divorcing me did not take the misery away so maybe it's not me after all.

Omg I really need to start focusing on my own life!

SparkleKitty

Honey, IT ISN'T YOU.

Carlotta

If he is still drinking alcoholically he is probably miserable. Now his happiness or misery should be irrelevant (but I understand the hurt and anger, been there too).
What are you planning to do to have a happy fulfilling life? His craziness made you sick so now it's your time to recover

cr995

Sparklekitty Thankyou xxx I know its probably obvious but I BELIEVE him and just hearing you say that is sooo nice and such a relief.

Carlotta - I have no idea what to do, I feel like I was born yesterday, living a full life - really actually just living is something I don't have a clue about. all I know now is what to avoid. I just avoid people who are unhealthy which seems to be EVERYBODY outside alanon and one friend who is acutally AH's previous babysitter as in when he was a kid she looked after him.

Other than that everything has disappeared from my life I am starting from scratch and have no clue. My life consists of yoga for an hour on a monday evening , 2 alanon meetings on a tuesday and friday evening. Redecorating my house as and when I can afford things and an hour with my sponsor on a wednesday. Work when I get clients - I am a beautician and am self employed and there is a recession on.

I used to do latin american dancing but am avoiding that scene as its mostly guys trying to grope me and it was making me feel really bad. But I used to love the music and dancing.

This suday I am going to an open AA meething with an alanon friend.

That is IT!

Carlotta

Have you thought about volunteering? It's a good way to meet nice interesting people.

Soberpotamus

Both.

cr995

Murchovski - I love that phrase - Your Pretend life!

Learning that any of an A's life is miserable is certainly news to me. Even at times when things have been going horribly between us - anytime people have asked how things are, AH has always answered 'Alls good'! It never occured to me that he might be lying. I always just used to feel bad and think - how come he feels so fine and dandy when I feel so awful.

But then I also never thought too deeply about how as soon as 1)either he entered a bar or 2) somebody else came into our company he suddenly became all chirpy and 'happy'.

For a long time I was resentful, I thought everybody else he gave the best of himself to and me, I got the dregs. Now I just think maybe he was pretending to be something he's not and really was just miserable inside, so what I was seeing all along was actually the real him.
Because surely it must be exhausting to keep up that pretense?