fedupbeyondall

I've been struggling a lot lately, like a lot of people on here, about whether or not to end my marriage and move on or stay and wait it out to see if my AH finally gets his "stuff" together. I've had the same "What if's" everyone has. What if I'm wrong? What if I'm jumping the gun and leaving too soon? What if he isn't a jackwagon and I'm just too sensitive? What if.......what if.....what if......? The reality is that none of us have crystal balls, if we did we would play the lotto way more often and Vegas would be chock full of FFA's . In talking with another member on here via PM, you know who you are, I've come to realize I won't know the resulting aftermath of my decision until I make that decision. In reading a lot on here, I've got a pretty good idea of where things will go either way. Now I just need to decide which consequences I want to deal with.

lillamy

I like how you sound. You sound much calmer, less panicked, about things. That's a good place to be, even if it feels stormy around you.

fedupbeyondall

Oh, if you knew what was going on inside my head......But yes, I'm starting to think a bit clearer. I think I inadvertantly achieved step one. My life is completely unmanagable and I am completely unable to control alcohol. I cannot control the AH's actions. I can only control mine.

FireSprite

I always think of Mike when this question comes up - he always says it so succinctly: that he knew it was time when the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving.

That has always stuck with me - such a simple statement for such a complicated situation. ((((HUGS))))

OnawaMiniya

The head and the heart will eventually align enough that you will know what you need to do.

And you will have the strength to do it, no matter what "it" is.

Lots of support and hugs.

Peace.

Ripper

I'm in the same place as you are, fedupbeyondall... The what ifs are driving me crazy; and you are right, I won't really know until I make a decision. My doctor tells me that whatever decision I make does not need to be permanent, to just think of now, what I need...who knows what will happen after, how I'll feel and what my AH will decide to do. All I know if that I'm going nowhere fast and been doing so for over three years and I cannot live like this anymore. I feel like I'm in limbo. Waiting to see if things will get better, or worse, to see if he'll lie again about his drinking, wondering when the trust will come back, going through the motions because we have nothing left to talk about, because nothing seems important anymore, when I know that he's sneaking behind my back to drink, and acting like everything is just dandy....I've lost respect for him, and that is not good. I have to agree that I will stay as long as the "known" seems better than the "unknown"...I'm starting to feel like the "unknown" would be better than what I'm feeling now. Take care.

fedupbeyondall

Ripper, right there with you. (((HUGS))) We will get through this!!!

beingjill

OnawaMiniya thank you for that post. I am really new to all of this and spinning from indecision and trying to decide what is control and what is being powerless. What emotions are unmanageable and it goes on. Hopefully with time , as you say the head and heart will align. xxx

BeYourself1

Hi guys,

I just wanted to offer my support as I find myself in a very similar position as FedUpBeyondAll. I wish I had more to say, but I'm new to recognizing, accepting and deciding that I need to do something about my, not my ABF's, life. FedUpBeyondAll, and everyone else, please keep sharing your stories as they offer tremendous insight and experience for those of us who are just starting down this path.

Thank you for sharing!

brownhorse

I have been there and still hope I made the right decision. I will say this after 2 years the pain and stress is definitely way easier now that I am divorced and over the hard stuff. Good luck!

OnawaMiniya

Keep posting here, beingjill. Welcome. This board will provide you with so much information and support.

Wishing you peace.

Rosiepetal

We are all responsible for ourselves & the choices we make are our own.
Sounds to me like you are ready to make healthy choices & that is a good thing.

Lyssy

I gave myself a one year time line. Currently five months in to the one year. I too am really not sure what I am going to do. I am preparing for the end (quietly). I keep thinking, why wait? What will it accomplish? Well, maybe the "what-if's" will have diminished (either way), but in the mean while, I am being ultra observant and trying to really look at all that is going on, reading here, seeing a counselor, saving money, researching housing options - etc.

I am not a very patient person, so this is testing my resolve greatly. But I will give it the additional 7 months and see where everything is at that time. I guess the timeline keeps me in check.

Sorry for rambling. Just wanted to let you know I am exactly where you are also.

LexieCat

One thing about waiting a year (assuming your situation isn't unbearable)--waiting can help to ensure you are emotionally ready to leave--that you won't have regrets or feelings that you should have handled it differently. That doesn't mean it will be pain-free, but it gives you time to work on acceptance.

Each situation is unique, and as I said, if the situation is unbearable, immediate separation is often a good idea. But final decisions often can be postponed for a bit while you sort things out.

atalose

Not sure what state you are in but divorces can take up to 18 months in some states. So if you do proceed you still have time to sort out all your feelings and emotions until it becoems final.

And hey, I know a few people who divorced and after a few years ended up back together. I also know sevral who made that decision to leave and never looked back just kept moving foward and are doing great today!!!

fedupbeyondall

This actually made me think of a Chinese parable I heard once. I think it was Chinese.

The Emperor wanted a painting done that showed peace and serenity. All the artists brought their best paintings of rainbows, trees, puppies and kittens (I'm paraphrasing). One artist brought his painting of a raging waterfall. It was very chaotic looking. The Emporer was furious. How could this man think that, that was peaceful and serene? The Emporer was about to sentence the man to prison for wasting his time when the man said, "Your majesty, look into the waterfal and look past it, there you will find the peace you are looking for." And there, just barely visible behind the raging waters was a dove, sitting on a nest caring for her newly hatched young. The morale....or whatever you want to call it, peace is where we create it, even in the midst of chaos.

I had forgotten about that until I re-read your post. Thank you for that lillamy!

BlueSkies1

You can separate and not have to use the divorce word. I mean trial basis. Like--I am going to move out and we are separating for now. If you decide to get it together, we can see what the future holds...in your words, your version of the above.
It doesn't have to be the end-all. You can leave the door open should he decide that maybe he does have a problem after all.
And if he doesn't clean up his act, then take it from there.
No commitment either way, to reconcile, or to divorce.
That approach might work for you if you are feeling unsure about whether you want to end it permanently, and you won't lose either way, because if he comes back to you cleaned up, then you get the sanity back. If he doesn't clean up, you win there too, by living a sane life yourself.
Win-win!