Soul Catcher

My Ah came home after a weekend at his dad's which was supposed to be a sober one and somewhere within a three hour drive he came home smashed. I even told him to not even think about doing that. He came stumbling in the door and then back out the door falling off of the front porch for the children to see. I had to send him away because I didn't want to fight AGAIN and for the kids who are 4,3,3 to hear it again. I am tired of them being hurt. Well....they knew I was making him leave and they cried so hard, I told him to give them kisses and hugs before he left and he said no and started pulling out of the drive way. He seen our son's face in terror and pulled back in drastically and punched in the front window cause he was pissed I was comforting him. I let him kiss and hug them and they ran to the window with their little hearts torn apart. OMG I wish I were the one that could take it all away. MEanwhile, he plowed down the neighbors mailbox and their garbage and thier well manicured yard and I have NO idea what else or WHO else he might have hit on his way out. My sister made me feel quilty by letting him leave but I just can't have him in my house anymore right now. He has hurt us so much. I wish you could have heard the babies cries and seen their hurt little faces. I would have rather laid on the ground and let him physically remove my guts then to have my babies feel that much pain. All he had to do was come home sober!!!!!! That's it......nothing difficult.......nothing hard......WHY? Nothing really matters does it? Hurting himself and his children mean nothing. He says he got messed up because he knew he would have to come home to me. I'm not a saint but I don't make it hard on him. I just want peace and love for out family. I REFUSE to have him messed up anymore. The line has been laid and there is NO crossing it again. Do I feel quilty for sending him away? Even if he could hurt someone else? I have to protect my children. I am a ball of nerves.....I have eaten a chocolate bunny and glass of chocolate milk, two xanex (prescribed) and turned off all the lights and don't know which way to turn next. My mother had a saying "don't know rather to ****, run or go blind"..that sums it all up. Help.

Gabe

Hey Atykin,
"I don't know whether to ****, run or go blind"
Yeah, I'm familiar with that one.
Now, you sit yourself down and take some deep breaths.
What you did was hard and painful. But it had to be done.
He is sick, remember that...he is sick.
Are you hurt right now? Yeah. Are your kids hurt right now? Yeah.
But it's not going to stay that way. You are all going to get better, eventually.
In the meantime, you stick around and vent whenever you need to.
We're here for you.
Gabe

dax

This is a very hard question to answer because you needed for him to leave. But he was a danger to himself and others. I think if this happens again, you should either caLL friend or family member to take him some where or a taxi. If he refuses, I think I just might call the plice that he is driving drunk. He needs to be held accountable for his actions. Do this before his actions include killing someone will driving drunk. hugs dax

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Atikyn.

If you're worried that sending him off is putting others in danger (and that's a realistic worry) you can call the police and report him as driving drunk. They will pick him up. The consequences he will face because of that he has brought on himself.

Unfortunately, the boundaries we set for ourselves often have to be acted on in such circumstances. "He can't come home drunk" doesn't have to be enforced if he doesn't come home drunk. You did what you had to do.

Hugs,
Smoke

vikster

I understand very well the feelings of torment you must have for sending your AH away, but I hope in your heart of hearts you know it was the right thing even though it hurts so much. You had to do it because of HIS behavior. Small comfort right now, I'm sure....but hang onto it.

I had my AH arrested and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. While he was trying to intimate me (with a hammer), I was mostly concerned about what he might do to himself or another. I thought he would sober up in jail and understand what happened, but he didn't and I continued to press the charges so the court would mandate treatment. I knew when I made that decision I was very likely ending my marriage. And sure enough my AH referred to me as his ex-wife in court. I was devastated, but I knew having the court get him into treatment was the one last bit of hope he had, even if meant the end of our marriage. And I also knew that treatment wouldn't work if he didn't want it, but I felt there was a chance he would see the need when forced to sober up. Well, he continued his horrible binge for a couple weeks right up until he had to enter treatment and I wasn't sure he would live through it. I felt guilty that maybe throwing him in jail kept his binge going and might ultimately end his life. But I never questioned my decision -- I knew his problem was driving the circumstances. Unbelievably, things have gotten much better for us. He is now in recovery and seems to have really seen the light. It is not the usually BS story he has used in the past -- he couldn't make up this level of committment to getting the monkey off his back (even though he is one of the best lying addicts I know). I know he could change again suddenly, but for today it is very hopeful. He has even THANKED me for putting him in jail!

We are forced to make some very hard decisions, because of their behavior. You are not causing the pain, but unfortunately you feel the full force of it. We all come here in the hope that with support and time we can find a way to live with this unwanted burden without it tearing us apart. Hang in there...

myles1

By calling the cops on him they might mandate court and rehab for him.

Ngaire

whiplash

Atikyn, You didn't send him out to do anything. He got himself drunk, knowing what the boudaries were and what the counsequences would be. It's not YOUR fault. I'm sorry you and the kids are hurting right now. Hang in there!!!

Soul Catcher

I have had him arrested when he hit me two years ago and they made him take anger mangement classes and Substance abuse classes. Tons of money later it did NOT work. Not even for a week. He knew they tested him on Wednesday so he drank Monday and then Wednesday, Thurday, Friday, Sat, Sun. His old boss put him up in a hotel for a year thinking he was free of drinking and she wouldn't listen to a word I said. She not only helped keep him away from his family for a year but prolonged the illness. I try and try to tell people to QUIT helping him and they continue to do it. His dad is letting him stay in his spare condo instead of telling him to clean up his act and get help.Everyone is so "concerned" for his well being but they continue to enable him. Is it ok if I ignore my husbands phone calls for a few weeks or so? He will be in another State and he may try to call. I really don't want to talk to him for a bit. What do you suggest?

whiplash

Hi Atikyn,

The first thing that comes to mind when I read your post is: Just as you can't control his behavoir, you can't stop other people from doing things that might enable his drinking. The one and only thing you have total control over is YOU. You decide what your actions will be and what's best for you. I think you're the only one who can decide whether you should take his calls. Take care of yourself. You might want to read the powerposts on here about detachment -- that always helps me.

W

myles1

If ignoring his calls is what feels right to you then do it.

If anything giving yourself a break will give you time to clear your head.

Sounds like you and your kids could use a break.

And no you didn't get him drunk and it's not your fault.

Ngaire