nbay2013

One of the main issues I had with my ex-AB was his self-centerness. Of course when he was drinking it was off the charts; y'all all know, the whining, blaming, pity party was just amazing for a grown man. In fact, I broke it off with him before I knew he was a drunk..I broke it off due to negativity, rudeness, bizarre behavior, etc etc. Then I found out he was major closet drinker. (we didn't live together). He is now over 12 months sober; but the self-centerness continues, although less intense. For example, during couples therapy it was really about his recovery and not about my grief and damage. But here is my frustration. I went to a few AA meetings with him; and during these meetings I NEVER heard any speaker take responsibility in a real way for the damage and chaos visited upon family/friends. I would hear general comments like, "I am now taking responsibility for my actions",,,"making amends"..I heard detail stories about how they were suffering, and how their harmed themselves, their souls, their reputations...but never details like; I abused my girlfriend, I cheated on her, I drove her to near madness. When I look at forums for alcoholics it's the same things. No details on the wreckage. I left my ex to save my emotional life, and possibly his physical life. But he has never looked at me and said; "what has this done to you?"

So, yes, I am in the angry phase of being dumped by my ex-AB after he asked to try to get back together two weeks ago and then he disappeared, followed by a cryptic email about being confused. I am feeling RAGE right now. Not so much that he left, but how did it. I feel so mind f**ked that I allowed myself to feel hope and love after keeping myself in check for a year.

Ok, rant over...for now.

fedupbeyondall

I have noticed that same exact thing. Even in sobriety a lot of people seem to be incapable of acknowedging the havoc their addiction wreaked upon their families. It makes me wonder that if/when my AH decides to become sober if I will be able to tolerate him. My biggest pet peeve, well one of them, is the fact he never apologises for the things he does or says while drunk even while I'm sitting there with tears in my eyes telling him how much his actions hurt. I really wonder if it's some kind of disconnect, like they don't relize the extent of the damage, or not wanting to acknowledge it because it would hurt them too much. Either way, it's a very selfish attitude.

LexieCat

I've heard plenty of alcoholics acknowledge in meetings their responsibility for damage they did to loved ones. Meetings are NOT the appropriate venue for talking about DETAILS--that is for the fifth step with a sponsor. Would you really feel comfortable knowing your ex was pouring out his guts to a roomful of strangers about the details of what he did to you? That would be an invasion of YOUR privacy.

Meetings are where we talk in generalities, when we talk about other people. Fourth and fifth steps--and one to one discussions with sponsors--are the appropriate places to deal with specifics.

Florence

I try so hard not to take the anger I feel about my AH and project it at all men, or all alcoholics, or even him really.

It's not that I'm not angry or hurt, it's that I'm just never going to get what I need from him to heal. I stopped looking there.

It's not only that we have to stop going to the hardware store for bread -- we also have to stop resenting the hardware store for not carrying bread in the first place.

FireSprite

I was going to say something similar to Lexi - I kow my RAH has shared these kinds of details one-on-one with his sponsor & in small study groups, but I can't imagine him ever getting up in front of an entire meeting & sharing all the nitty-gritty deets.

Often his meeting have people he/we "know" but aren't friends with & it would be very uncomfortable to share those kinds of personal things in front of a group. JMHO

fedupbeyondall

Good point. I didn't think about that. So I suppose one wouldn't hear someone acknowledging such actions unless they were privy to those private conversations. My AH on the other hand is just an a55hat

HopefulinFLA

Well said Florence!

nbay2013

I did give a heads up I am angry right now. What can I say, I try most of the time to keep my negative emotions in check...but I can't be the only one to have these feelings. I know I am not alone in this. As far as sharing personal things at AA meetings, my Ex-AB said the same thing. His fellow AA members will tell about their DUI's, their prison time, their rehab, their bar brawls...but he said he rarely hears the direct reasons why their friends and family left. I think this has probably to do with shame; what person wants to say out loud he called his loved ones horrible names and much much worse...I understand that. But we here, in friends and family are damaged and are trying to wrap our minds around what happened. There is a lot of grief and sadness. The quote "stop resenting the hardware store for not carrying bread in the first place" I agree with. The problem is this is my first run in with an alcoholic relationship. I did not know he was Hardware store. Hopefully (!!!!) this will never happen to me again. With the help of this forum and therapy I will see the Hardware Store next time around.

Yes, I am mad right now.

lillamy

Brilliant.

LexieCat

Well, nobody is proud of their dui's or bar brawls, either. The difference is, it won't hurt anyone for them to talk about those things at a meeting, while talking about intimate details of how they maybe humiliated or tore down a loved one might cause more damage to the person harmed.

None of us knew they were hardware stores, trust me. When we know better, we DO better.

nbay2013

I apologize if I have offended anyone. I am feeling really alone in my anger right now. I know the goal is to be above it; but I am not right now.

Hugs,

Carrie

Carlotta

I was tremendously angry at my ex for being verbally and physically abusive to me. So angry that often I would visualize him dead and go through his demise in details.
I finally realized that it was taking space in my head and that the negativity was making me sick. Going to Al Anon and working the steps in that program really helped me. I was able to let go of the anger and resentment. Does it mean I forgot? Nope. I will share my experience with other codependents to help them out. I also will never be involved with an alcoholic again.
Whether Ed is still drinking or sober, dead or alive, regretful or sociopathic about what he did is of no import to me anymore.
What forgiving and letting go did for me was healing me.
It does take time and work on oneself to get to that point. Living with an active alcoholic is a traumatic experience. It did not take one day to get traumatized so healing does not take a day either. Anger is a natural phase in the recovery process as long as we do not let it linger too long.

Take care and hugs.

fedupbeyondall

You're not alone. I'm in anger phase right now too. For so very many things. Many, many things. That's the great thing about SR tho. When we post something we get to see a few different perspectives on the situation. Hopefully they help us process the situation better.

nbay2013

Thank you so much Carlotta. I appreciate your candor. It makes me feel less alone. I am very raw and am feeling normal anger and rage and I don't want to pretend I am not. Here is what I do to channel my anger. Mountain Biking is awesome for expending intense anger. Helping my friends makes me feel good. Photography is a creative venue where I can shoot all sorts of intense photos that reflect my mood. All of this is highly therapeutic. So, I want to get something healthy out of my anger and not stew in mad juice.

With love/hugs

carrie

fedupbeyondall

And ya know what? The hardware store should have known I needed bread and not nails....dang it anyways!

acm76

"I am feeling really alone in my anger right now. I know the goal is to be above it; but I am not right now."

You are not alone in your anger today. I am locked there too.

nbay2013

LOL...that's right!

spiderqueen

nbay2013 - I have so much compassion for you right now. I understand how anger and rage can feel protective and empowering; they were coping mechanisms for me growing up with an abusive parent. As a young adult, I had to learn to control them, like a trained lion in a circus - otherwise, it became my reflexive response to every situation where I felt out of control, or threatened, or insecure. I wore my anger like a shield. I wonder if you have tried quiet, calming techniques, like mindfulness, meditation, deep relaxation along with your other great outlets? These have been very helpful to me. Take good care.

CodeNameGiggles

Many of us have felt and still feel much anger. When my husband's alcoholism first reared its ugly head 2 years ago, I went through an entire thesaurus worth of words for the rage and anger I felt. He even apologized. Then I was angry that he thought he could apologize and make everything better. Then I was sorry that him saying he was sorry was supposed to make everything better, because it didn't. Then I realized how foolish I was chasing words to make actions different, because they didn't.

Trust me, I wasted a lot of time running a hamster wheel thinking *somehow* when he got to that 8th or 9th step I'd just feel so much better. It just didn't work that way for me at all.

It actually surprised me after I poured all my venom onto paper that the person I was really angry at was myself - the shame and anger was because I felt duped by someone I trusted and loved.

wicked

Thank you Carrie.
I am glad you came here to express your anger.
And thank you for sharing how you deal with it.
All excellent ideas!
I never want to stew in mad juice.
I think it would age me, and I would never find the hardware store,
or the bread store again!

No more mad juice,

Beth