Argnotthisagain

I think it's good that you're angry. I say that because I have a hard time getting to the anger, and I think that keeps me stuck.

So anger is really important and empowering.

But I think when you then expect appropriate acknowledgement of what the A did to you, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. I think that the next learning step in terms of our anger at harm done is about boundaries. In other words, are we all bunched up expecting the kind of amends we want? Can we come to understand that SOME people can take responsibility for themselves and express sincere apologies, and some cannot?

We need to learn to take the time to SEE what's going on and discern. Is this a person I can trust to take responsibility or not? And I think sometimes, it takes quite a while getting to know someone before we can answer that question.

Of course, this is 20/20 hindsight on my part. I hope I can apply it as FRONTsight in the future. :P

nbay2013

Thanks Spiderqueen; Yes, anger is a temporary protection from grief. But it is a relief because the last two weeks were so full of sadness. My peace right now comes from reading a wonderful Buddhist book; "When Things fall Apart". It's just lovely. Anger is all about fear and powerlessness. When my AB went AWOL two weeks back, after we agreed to try a reconciliation after a year, my heart broke all over again. We made love, after a year of me stepping away to protect myself and let him do his recovery. My heart opened to him. And then he was gone. I am powerless as I will not contact him nor do I understand what happened nor probably will I ever...So, I am on a roller coaster, and I am so grateful for this forum.

Florence

Agreed on both.

I don't think the goal is to be ABOVE the anger, I think it's just to direct the anger in a more functional way. I spent years -- YEARS -- angry at my ex, who ultimately didn't care what I or my son think or how I or my son felt. I mean, I talked about it daily, sometimes for hours, hashing and rehashing his list of sins.

It was funny, I was here because of my AH, and this clicked quite suddenly in ALL areas of my life. After I started really digging in at SR, something clicked. I really couldn't control him, I will never say things the right way for him to understand and validate me, I will never convince, connive, or coerce him into *seeing who I am*. And whoa, my punishing mom who likes to cut me down so she can better run my life? I will never convince her that I'm a competent adult or that she is meddling in extremely unhealthy ways. And my STBXAH, with his on and off again recovery charade. I didn't have to keep any of this up. I really could only control me.

Acceptance is a difficult lesson for me. Once I learned it, however, it opened up my life. This is just the way it is. And I had to deal with *this* instead of wishing for something else or resenting it for not being something else.

Also, this was my WORST FEAR. My AH, who I still miss and love dearly, would relapse and force my hand and I would have to leave him and be left alone with two children by two dads, struggling on one income, divorced, fat, and unmarriageable. And then, when it happened? After the period of anger and grief I got busy and put all these lessons to work. I like myself, I love my kids, I like my life.

I got another quote out there from somebody, I can't remember who: "Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." Or, to be trite, when life gives you lemons, paint them gold, make lemonade, juggle, just do something, don't just stand there.

On a side note, my STBXAH is mostly sober for about three years (off and on) and he is still just as self-centered as he ever was. Sometimes I get pangs of regret and sadness that I didn't get what I needed from him at my most vulnerable times, but it was what it was. Been there, hated it, won't go back, and I'm determined to look forward and leave this mess behind me.

nbay2013

Yes! I am deeply shamed and angry at myself. In hindsight...it was all there to be seen. Damn! And you know what I really get angry at? I miss him so much I almost gasp from the pain. Wow...this s**t gets real!

nbay2013

Florence; Thank you. That is some amazing wisdom. Thank you.

Love/hugs,

Carrie

Tuffgirl

I think all of us here (me included) can understand the anger very well, whether it be at ourselves or the A's we love, or both!

It's ok to be angry and hurt. As a matter of fact, I think its perfectly justifiable given your circumstances. Accept you are angry, just don't let your emotions ruin your days.

Like everything else, this too shall pass, over time. I am no longer angry, but the hurt is still there. I figure it always will be, and that's ok.

HopefulinFLA

Nbay, to say that you try to be above your anger makes it sound like it's a shameful emotion, and it's not. It is what is it is and you have every right to be angry and feel what you feel. We can't really control what we feel, only what we do about it. It sounds like you are trying to manage your anger in a very very healthy way. Good for you! Give it it's due and move on when you're done with it. Time heals everything...

mcaiwas

My second-ever Alanon meeting was last night, and the topic was acceptance. I had to say then, and now, that I have SO much to learn.
I'm sorry for your heartbreak. I hope that you have new found strength and direction very soon! These folks seem to be very, very wise leaders. I just loved the line about letting go of the fact that the hardware store doesn't carry bread. I'm going to put that one deep inside me - where I need it most! Thank you!

lillamy

Yes. This.

I wanted so badly for AXH to understand how things felt from my perspective. But my experience during our marriage continued to be the same afterwards: He would not see that he had any part in the demise of our marriage; he does not acknowledge that his alcoholism in any way affected me or the children; he has his own storyline written that tells how it really went down (that is, his evil ex-wife drove him to drinking and then left him).

YOU know what happened. That has to be enough for you.

And by all means be angry. It's not always a bad thing, if it motivates you and drives you forward. One of my biggest supporters after I left AXH said to me every day "stay pi$$ed off!" -- because she knew as long as I was angry, I wouldn't resort to self-pity or guilt.

trixie56

You are definitely not alone in your anger! I'm in a very similar situation..My XABF went AWOL after wanting to get back together, too. He said he "changed" and all, and after two weeks of getting closer to each other again emotionally and physically, it all went downhill..And then he vanished! I didn't even get a cryptic email. Now I'm also left with anger, frustration, etc. I'm torn between wanting to drive to his house and scream at him, or never talking to him ever again if he did happen to come around..Tough decision. Hang in there!

Mightyqueen801

I am glad you said this. I have often felt the same way. Once in a while--and those whiles become farther and farther apart, I still feel angry that my EXAH husband never felt sorry or acknowledged everything he did to me, and I've been divorced for 12 years. (I still have contact with him because we have a daughter.) You know what? He never will. EVER. He is not capable of it. If I had him locked in a room and went over the list of all the things he did that hurt me, and he wasn't allow to yell back at me and/or deny what he did, he would just be confused about what I was saying. He has no idea of the extent of what he did. Nothing much matters to him but himself. (And beer.) It took me a long time to accept that fact.

I have also read the alcoholic section on forums like this and attended AA meetings and had the same reaction at the lack of guilt or shame alkies have over what they've done to the people who were closest to them. It's just the nature of the beast. Alcoholics are self-centered people by definition, and I'm not sure they can even help it that they are unable to see things from others' points of view. I believe that some can learn to do so, perhaps after years of sobriety and working on themselves to make changes, but it is relatively rare.

A prime example was a guy here in NJ some years ago who killed a young woman while driving drunk. She had three little kids, and her husband was devastated but determined to get justice. He pushed to have this man charged with manslaughter, and the drunk driver was convicted and sentenced to 25 years. YOU WOULD THINK that the man would be desperately contrite, seeing those children and that heartbroken husband in the courtroom, and knowing he was getting far less of a punishment than he deserved. Instead, he had the nerve to whine to the press that they were just making an example of him. I will never forget that. He had KILLED someone and rendered three little kids motherless, and all he could think of was feeling sorry for his own ass. And didn't even have enough sense to PRETEND to be sorry.

trixie56

This also struck me. I was with my ex the first time when he was sober, and I was unaware of the extent of his drinking problem. But even while we were dating and he was sober for almost a year, he was rude, insensitive, and what I'm realizing now was a major problem accepting responsibility for ANYTHING. It was always me who was being "too sensitive" or "a baby," when in reality, he was totally insensitive. At the time, I had no idea that alcohol could've affected how he'd act even when not drinking at that moment. Pretty amazing...

Mightyqueen801

I recently had a conversation with a woman I've been getting to know from my church. She was telling me that she had dated an addict (coke, I think) and that he would get angry with her if she was upset about anything. She said she learned that they cannot tolerate emotions in the people close to them, since they deny their own emotional states by drowning them in drugs or alcohol. Made sense.

transformyself

Man do I relate to this.

Nbay, you're so not alone. i used to joke that I needed Rage- A - Holics Anonymous. I did it to myself for so long (see above) but also i think staying in a situation where my needs were rarely being met was the catalyst. So much resentment.

Today I work to recognize when I'm holding resentment and release the darn things, other wise I get ill and can't function. Literally. I can have volcanic rages, but have also learned tricks for de- escalating them, and then work on acceptance.

Also, when I create and hold firm boundaries that protect me from repeat offenders, my anger is dramatically reduced.

You'll work through it

Skymitchg

Been full of mad juice, why did the hardware store have the sign out for bread in the first place?

Crazed

It angers me as well. The only amends I have ever seen with EXAG when actively working steps are the generalities- "I am sorry I hurt you." "I am sorry I caused you so much pain." I am not sure if that is the way AA amends are supposed to be, but I have seen them as feeble attempts, and cop outs. Sweep the painful details under the carpet, and use the blanket generalities as the get out of jail free card. Maybe she doesn't remember the details, but I do. And perhaps if the details were actually acknowledged by her it may ease the pain and promote healing.

nbay2013

Wow...thank you everyone. I loved all the input, from the people still mired in anger to the people down the road, who are wisely putting anger behind them. That is what I am aiming for...to leave this chapter of life behind me, and grateful I had the intuition not to move in with my Ex-AB. At least I dodged that bullet. I am not out money (except for counseling), I am healthy, and my friends are awesome. So I plan to do a lot of biking, weight lifting, maybe take up boxing (lol). I am sure the roller coaster will continue for awhile, and I am so happy y'all are here.

Love/hugs

Carrie

nbay2013

Dear Crazed...Yes, that is all I have received in apology too. Almost exactly the same quote. But no specifics and he never brought it up himself. Ugggg.

Boon44

Nbay, I understand the anger...I too feel it immensely at times as I'm only 3 months out of my relationship with exabf. I wanted to share something that I heard a recovering alcoholic say at a meeting recently that sort of summarized how he took responsibility: He said as an alcoholic, "I'm the person who swallows the pill of resentment and then takes it out on you." For me this made sense in trying to understand how I became the one my ex projected so much hate, anger, and resentment on to. It was even in the way this guy at the meeting said it, he was intense, looked directly at those of us in Al Anon sitting in the audience, and made sure he was making eye contact so he knew we heard him. Anyway, it hit a chord with me...maybe it will also make sense to you as well.

nbay2013

Boon: Ok, that quote is just amazing and hit me hard. That is about as close as a description as I could ever imagine for my ex-AB. He had so much deep resentment for everything, things I could never really understand. That is why I broke it off from him; I remember telling him; I can't handle your negativity, the underlying misdirected anger, the self pity. It's not a good way to live." It was later I found out about the extent of his drinking.