For those that I have taken so much
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2
For those that I have taken so much
My first post after joining SR almost 5 years ago. I wanted to thank each and everyone of your that has taken the time to post or to respond to a post on this site. I believe i am one of the many "lurkers" that come to this site and just read. Being of the Male persuasion, it is incredibly hard to share my feelings with other people.
My story is so similar to many of you here. Married a wonderful woman, had two beautiful children, and enjoyed life as much as anyone. Alcohol had always been in the picture, but i believe we were both just social drinkers. When i finally realized that my wife had become an alcoholic, the children were still young and my quest to "cure" my wife began. I have done everything that has ever been mentioned on this site. I secretly kept track of the amount she drank and spent countless hours searchinig for the hidden bottles.
I kept on coming back here and reading all of your posts. It took about a year and a half before I finally got it. The three C's finally made sense. The acceptance finally came.There was nothing i could do to get my wife to stop drinking. I went to al-anon meetings, and they were a great help. The thing that kept holding me back from moving forward were my children, and the thought of not being with them. The first time i talked with my wife about getting a divorce if the drinking didn't stop, she said something that struck fear in my heart: "you will never get the kids". I know now that it was just a threat made from an addict that is trying with all their might to keep their addiction alive and the status quo, but for me it was terrifying. I had already visited a few lawyers, and they all said the same thing. Sole custody is almost impossible, and the best they could see was a joint 50/50 solution. This was something i could not come to terms with. Not seeing, and being with my children everyday was just impossible for me.
The decision of staying together was something that I stuggle with a lot, and the guilt i feel for staying with my wife for the next couple of years and possibly harming my children is always on my mind. I still don't know if i did the right thing or the wrong thing. We tried the counselling with a couple different people, but it didn't help. I can tell you all that in my opinion it is impossible to have any success in councelling with someone that is in active addiction. You first have to remove the addiction to begin true healing and moving forward.
The good news is that earlier this year i finally found the strength to tell my wife that this could not go on any longer. A couple of things helped me to gather my strength, and of course it came from this site and from a couple of different people. I can't remember exactly who they are, but again i say THANK YOU. Some of the best saying that have helped me are "nothing changes if nothing changes", "you will know you are ready to leave if the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving", and "never mind about them hitting their rock bottom, when will you hit yours".
My rock bottom came when the pain of staying was just too much. The seperation was hard and I won't get into all the details right now, but the children are happy and with me. I have no great words of wisdom, but i thought that since i took so much from all of you on this site, that the least i could do was let you all know that you have helped me so very much.
My story is so similar to many of you here. Married a wonderful woman, had two beautiful children, and enjoyed life as much as anyone. Alcohol had always been in the picture, but i believe we were both just social drinkers. When i finally realized that my wife had become an alcoholic, the children were still young and my quest to "cure" my wife began. I have done everything that has ever been mentioned on this site. I secretly kept track of the amount she drank and spent countless hours searchinig for the hidden bottles.
I kept on coming back here and reading all of your posts. It took about a year and a half before I finally got it. The three C's finally made sense. The acceptance finally came.There was nothing i could do to get my wife to stop drinking. I went to al-anon meetings, and they were a great help. The thing that kept holding me back from moving forward were my children, and the thought of not being with them. The first time i talked with my wife about getting a divorce if the drinking didn't stop, she said something that struck fear in my heart: "you will never get the kids". I know now that it was just a threat made from an addict that is trying with all their might to keep their addiction alive and the status quo, but for me it was terrifying. I had already visited a few lawyers, and they all said the same thing. Sole custody is almost impossible, and the best they could see was a joint 50/50 solution. This was something i could not come to terms with. Not seeing, and being with my children everyday was just impossible for me.
The decision of staying together was something that I stuggle with a lot, and the guilt i feel for staying with my wife for the next couple of years and possibly harming my children is always on my mind. I still don't know if i did the right thing or the wrong thing. We tried the counselling with a couple different people, but it didn't help. I can tell you all that in my opinion it is impossible to have any success in councelling with someone that is in active addiction. You first have to remove the addiction to begin true healing and moving forward.
The good news is that earlier this year i finally found the strength to tell my wife that this could not go on any longer. A couple of things helped me to gather my strength, and of course it came from this site and from a couple of different people. I can't remember exactly who they are, but again i say THANK YOU. Some of the best saying that have helped me are "nothing changes if nothing changes", "you will know you are ready to leave if the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving", and "never mind about them hitting their rock bottom, when will you hit yours".
My rock bottom came when the pain of staying was just too much. The seperation was hard and I won't get into all the details right now, but the children are happy and with me. I have no great words of wisdom, but i thought that since i took so much from all of you on this site, that the least i could do was let you all know that you have helped me so very much.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dividedintwo---Thank you for sharing this with us. I know that your words will help some people who are struggling with this, right now.Please hang around. It is always good to have the male point of view.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
I can identify with so many things in your post. I am currently "staying" for the kids at this very moment and trying to slowly get things ready to leave. There are so any factors when you have kids. I tell myself one day at a time. It is comforting to hear you have been where I am and have made it through! Thanks for sharing. I am happy things worked out for you and your kids are with you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,062
What a lovely and sincere post! Thank you for sharing and I hope you come back often and that we hear from you more often now that you have taken the plunge :-)
I can already tell that your experiences, however difficult, will also help someone else as others helped you!!
Wishing all the best for you, your kids and yes, even your wife!
You did the right thing!
I can already tell that your experiences, however difficult, will also help someone else as others helped you!!
Wishing all the best for you, your kids and yes, even your wife!
You did the right thing!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Dividedintwo, I'm very glad that you and your children are now living in a much more peaceful space--though I know how hard it must have been to reach that decision.
Welcome to SR! Thank you for stepping out of the shadows. Your story may have helped many people today!
Welcome to SR! Thank you for stepping out of the shadows. Your story may have helped many people today!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2
Thanks to you all for the great words and thoughts. I probably come to this site almost daily; there was a threat on here a couple of days ago about someone being addicted to this site and that really hit home with me. Right now i am working on myself and getting myself better. The kids are a great help as they keep me busy. I do seem to struggle with the feeling of being lonely, and not having someone to talk with on a one to one basis is something i miss even though the last couple of years my wife and i didn't communicate on a very personal level. I am starting some new hobbys and trying to get involved in more charitable things. Just keep moving forward.
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