mcbgrad

I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic for seven years, she is now 16 months sober. The first year was a virtual living hell with mood swings etc. I have invested a lot of time, emotion, sweat and tears. Now my partner took up smoking, which I hate. I am patient but she knows I hate it and will freak out every now and then, and I never say anything about the smoking to set her off. She fires off statements that I am controlling her, and that she will not be controlled. I don't even say anything about it, but because she knows I dont like it she gets defensive says I'm controlling and disresectul and that I should leave her if I dont like it. Its likely in a few days she will appologive but the whole 'leave if you dont like...' is very hurtful and she says it again and again. Sorry for typos, I am on my cell phone and cant see half of what I am typing. I think this is all her controlling me, not the other way around. Help, I love this woman and her hateful comments make me want to leave, although they are further and further between.

LexieCat

Well, honestly, that's what it comes down to. If she refuses to quit smoking, and you can't abide it, those are pretty much your choices: accept it or leave. Same as with drinking or anything else about your partner you cannot tolerate.

The same thing would be true if she practiced her drums in the living room at all hours.

Forget for the moment about your "investment" in the relationship. If your life with her is miserable, you are better off leaving.

atalose

You gotta stop walking on those egg shells around the recovering alcoholic. Yes you are happy she is no longer drinking but now she is smoking and it bothers you and is something you don’t have to tolerate or put up with.

Lexicat makes an excellent point, if she were beating drums at 3AM would that be acceptable to you?

How about trying to compromise, if she wants to smoke tell her to do it outside.

Kind of like the child who threatens to hold there breath if they don’t get there own way and the parent always giving in out of fear. This is no different, she is learning how to control you by her threats.

And maybe it’s time to do some self exploring about her saying you are controlling, are you? Do you even know that you may be doing that?

7 years vested in a relationship is still not worth your peace and happiness for a life time. If the relationship is not working out, maybe it’s time you both go your separate ways to work on each of your own issues.

mcbgrad

Thanks, she admitts that i am not controlling, normally, but we are out of town and she forgot her antidepressants so it's like she drinking again, emotionally, while she comes off them cold turkey. I just get sick of these threats when something sets her off on these moods. its happened before when she went off another antidepressant. So im trying to wait this one out but damn, it sucks. And i cant say, no, you are controlling me with your threats because as you know you cant use logic with an alocholic and its temporarily just like that. So frusterating. Thanks for the two of you who responded, i appreciate the support

Recovering2

Funny, I never had a problem dating someone who drank but smoking was a deal breaker for me. So I ended up in love with an Alcoholic who doesn't smoke...sheesh.

I think the smoking is just like the drinking. If it's a problem for you, it's a problem. You can't control her smoking, any more than you could control her drinking. But you can decide if you have boundaries around the issue. If you can't be around it, that's not controlling IMO, that's a healthy boundary for you.

Sueski

Is there a branch of her pharmacy where you are? Maybe she could get an emergency supply of the meds. Doesn't help the smoking issue, but might help the other stuff.

teardrop

i know how she feels, because i feel the same about my drinking, i feel controlled , that i cant drink, i feel like a naughty child been told no you cant do that, if you push at her she will leave, look at it this way at least smoking she is only damaging her own health.

noone i know has ever caused trouble or gone missing for days or done things they cant remember just because they smoke ciggarettes

you need alcohol or drugs for that

she maybe just feels she needs something and smoking is it

after all a lot of alcoholics swap one addiction for another, be it smoking, gym, sports, religion, anything, we have very strong addictive personallitys

FeelingGreat

Hi Mcbrad, I'm like you, i hate smoking. The final motivation for me to give up drinking was 'proving' to a smoker I could give up something that I was addicted to. But as I read it, the problem isn't so much the smoking as the way she flies off at you about it. I agree, this is not a relationship to nourish your soul.
Maybe you should put some boundaries in place about how she speaks to you.
Discussing your relationship, or even arguing about it is reasonable. Verbally abusing or shouting at your partner is not. You don't have to stand there and listen to it. Tell her you are not going to engage with her until she calms down, and leave. She'll soon get it.