Not2Old2Learn

I've gotten much better at taking care of myself over the past 1-2 years. I actually get what it means and I feel good when I do good things for me. I still have down days and the negative talk in my head can be louder on some days than others.

I'm 47 and have been single for a long time. I've been in a few relationships since my marriage ended 16 years ago but they haven't been healthy ones. My XAH while unavailable emotionally was probably the best of all my relationships.

I am sad that I can't get it right. That I find myself attracted to men who aren't available and that's what I'm working on to understand. I worry that at 47 its just too late. My son only has 3 years of high school left and then ill really be alone when he leaves for college.

All that emotion and worry has me then thinking of my XABF and beating myself up for it not working out. Even though I now know that it could never work out and that I could not ever be a higher priority then his love for the bottle. I feel stupid at times for not realizing what was going on and suffering years over the loss of my friend and our short but intense relationship.

I don't know why I put myself thru this mental anguish or how it creeps up and grabs a hold of me from time to time but I wish it would stop. It makes it much harder to motivate myself to do what I need to do for me. I just spent a nice weekend laying around in bed feeling sorry for myself. I hate this.

DreamsofSerenity

Hi, I can really sense the pain in your post..Please promise us you won't lay in bed all weekend again. I know the temptation is great when you are down--I have done it myself--but it just makes the sadness worse. Even if you just get up and lay on the sofa watching TV, it's better.

My first thought after reading your post was that maybe there is some hormonal stuff going on that is making it harder than normal to deal with your emotions. I know when I am hormonal, my outlook on life is really grim, and I've got a couple of friends your age whose hormones are all over the map. They can't predict when that PMS feeling will come; it's not always before their periods anymore. Maybe you've just got a bad case of the PMS blues?

Have you ever tried yoga? It helps me tremendously with my moods.

You know 47 is not too old to start again; people get married in their nineties. Please practice some of the self care you have learned! And keep posting. Staying connected when you feel this way is so important. You need other people to act as a light to guide you out of your darkness.

Hugs to you..

DreamsofSerenity

Check out the full moon post!

OnawaMiniya

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. ((((((((((N2O2L))))))))))

I have days where as hard as I try I end up feeling so pathetic because I am having a little pity party for myself in my head! I don't know. I don't think it's a bad thing necessarily to have days like that once in a while, it's natural. But when it goes from having a day once in a while to being "in a funk", I think it's a signal that we need to examine why that is.

Some things you said that stood out to me:

"I am sad that I can't get it right. That I find myself attracted to men who aren't available and that's what I'm working on to understand."

Obviously I'm not professionally qualified in any way, but I'll give it a shot. There are a few reasons you could feel that way.

I could be wrong but might as well try to figure this out. Sometimes people are attracted to those who aren't available out of some fear - conscious or not - of commitment. That isn't to say you don't desire a committed and healthy relationship. Perhaps you have been hurt and are trying to protect yourself from getting too close with someone. If they aren't available, then you aren't going to get too close.

It could also be that something happened in your childhood, or as an adult even, that makes you subconsciously want to try and "win" or have someone "choose you" over something else. Like subconsciously you are trying to replay some situation where you felt you were not "chosen"or that you felt overlooked, passed over, etc. Just an example to better illustrate what I mean by that (not saying this example directly applies to you personally): as a child your father cheated on your mother regularly. As an adult you go for unavailable men to reenact the feeling of being neglected on your behalf and/or on your mother's behalf/as a family experience as a whole, but this time, with the subconscious goal of emerging victorious - that is, this time, you got someone who was unavailable to "choose"you, thus satisfying some buried urge to rectify those prior feelings of abandonment or neglect.

I hope I put that well enough, my husband kept talking to me LOL (funny how he always wants to be left alone unless he sees I'm into something else, then like a big baby he wants my attention lol...I don't even think he realizes he does that lol).

Do you think anything like the above two scenarios could apply here?

Peace.

OnawaMiniya

Another possibility:

"I worry that at 47 it's just too late"

Could there be some lack of confidence issues going on here? Feeling bad about yourself, added to your fears that it's too late (it's not too late but I can definitely understand, that's not an uncommon anxiety to have)...Do you think maybe that leads you to situations that won't work out? In other words, being so afraid that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy?

Again I could be wrong about any and all of the possibilities I threw out there. Just thought it couldn't hurt to consider.

Be kind to yourself and replace that negative self talk in your head with positive talk. If you find yourself putting yourself down, shut down that thought process and give yourself a compliment on something you are good at, something that is a good quality in you, even a physical compliment! "I have compassion for others" "I like my (physical trait)" "I am good at (fill in)" etc

Tuffgirl

Maybe a perspective change is a good thing to have right now.

For example, I have two more years until my youngest goes to college. Instead of looking at it as "then I will really be alone", I see it has "then I will really have some freedom!"

In the meantime, this time is still my kids' time. They deserve my attention and presence, even if they are young adults with their own lives.

I also focus on the 'being alone' part of it as a positive thing for me right now. By being alone, I have the time and energy to focus on my issues that still need attention, so when a healthy relationship does present itself one day, I'll be ready!

I just refuse to believe that I am washed up, incapable of having another relationship. I simply view this time as the 'in between' time and like everything else, it too shall pass.

lillamy

I was attracted to unavailable men most of my life. In my case, it was because though I had a lot of confidence in my brainpower, I didn't in my looks and attractiveness. So I think I somewhere felt like if I could land an impossible man, that would prove I was attractive. Impossible how? You name it, I tried it. Addicts. Married men. Men who were moving to the other side of the earth in six weeks. Men who were married to their jobs. Etc., etc., etc.

The man in my life now, I have known forever. Love and attraction developed when I wasn't looking for it: I was focused on rebuilding my life and rebuilding my kids' mental and emotional stability after leaving AXH. Until I met him, what I called love was always about proving something about myself. Winning. And then confusing love with pity. When we fell in love, I wasn't looking. I was busy with my life. And I really think that was key. He got to see the real me in action, busy with living.

A good pity party is OK. But I try to limit them in time. And then go out and take a bite out of life again.

Big hugs to you.

DreamsofSerenity

Awesome post, Lillamy..

dandylion

Nottold, age is about your perception of it. 47---phfffft---you are still a babe. You can have another whole lifetime of joy, love, and adventure!!!!!

dandylion

LifeRecovery

Not2Old-

When I actually started feeling I was surprised at how much I did feel, and how much stuff I had to wade through from all that time that I did not feel.

For me it was not always connected to what was going on right then, but the fact that for 30+ years I had not allowed myself to feel anything. I was kind of numb.

As that equlibrilazed I found the "ups" higher and the "lows" lower, and it really caught me off guard because I did not have my normal distractions or "poor" coping skills in place to help me out.

It took time (a couple of years at least) to get that evened out. I had a deal with my therapist around it. If I was feeling "off" and/or showing signs of clinical depression I would ask/she would tell me to talk with my MD about anti-depressents. I did not end up needing them, but I did have her to fall back on when I could not really trust myself.

I personally don't think it is ever "too late" to heal your life. Awareness is the first step.

Hammer

So what would you rather be doing with your life?

Clearly Validation by Alcoholic Men has sucked, I mean.


edit --

That was harsher than I meant.

Can't see me laughing or smiling about it here on the intertoobs.

Anyway, a guy aint your answer anymore than a messed woman is an answer for a guy.

Flicka57

It is so hard & I know exactly how you feel. . .I too had 2 failed marriages and I'm a lot older than you. But I won't give you those same old lines everyone does (never too old, you're still young, your whole life ahead of you Blah. Blah, Blah). Mine even left for much younger women so I now have an ex who is 60 and he's with someone younger than you. I know nothing helps. So I have decided to retrain my brain and do whatever it takes to stay out of relationships. I am standing firm that this is something I do not want. . .think of it: Don't have to listen to him moan & groan, don't have to answer to anyone, sleep whenever you want for as long as you want, make all your own decisions, enjoy your son-how great is that to not have to agree on discipline or decisions concerning him. It's hard & I know it hurts but you need to change your thinking as it is something to look forward to.