Perky

I am so ashamed to be feeling this way! I have been back and forth with my XABF for over 5 years. He has cheated on me (3 times), lied and lied and lied some more. He has "borrowed" so much money, I am financially buried! I have fallen for his "I'm going to get sober and I am going to be the man you need me to be." Blah, blah, blah! I was doing good for a while until I let him suck me back in with his lies and manipulation. I believed him yet again! He was only sober for a week and a half-- well i believed he was sober. This weekend he went camping and I could tell he was drunk last night and today- over the phone. He swore he was sober, but really! I am stupid but not too stupid to tell when he is drunk. His brother verified that he was drinking and simply apologized for it.

After everything this guy has put me through- can someone please explain to me why I can't seem to let him go, and please tell me how to finally let him go!

Mightyqueen801

Don't be ashamed of what you feel. Lots of us on here have been just where you are.

Remember this: The best way you may ever help him is to let him go. He may or may not get better, but he definitely won't if the cycle doesn't break.

At any rate, what is more important right now is that you take care of you. It does not sound as if you've been taking care of yourself. I can't tell you why you can't seem to let him go, even though I was once in that same place. In my case it was a lot of reasons: I didn't want to admit failure (Mighty Queen can FIX this man!--my shrink called that "grandiosity"). I was ashamed of being a fool, I believed that God had "assigned" him to me--sort of like a DIY project, maybe. Seriously, I did believe this. But...I'm better now...

You might want to look up Al-Anon meetings in your area and go to one. Or a hundred. But start with going to one. You will learn a lot about alcoholism and how you can detach yourself from it and live a better life. There is nothing you can say in that room that people have not heard before. You will be amazed at how many people share your experience and your feelings.

God did not assign him to you, trust me.

The way to finally let him go is to concentrate on taking care of YOU. Not concentrate on him.

bradychi

Oh Perky, I am so sorry. I have been through pretty much the exact same thing. You will let go when you are ready. I have finally let go. It's has been nearly a month and I still struggle every day with missing him and wondering if he is missing me, and wishing I knew he was safe. I know now that I was the only thing keeping him from spiraling out of control. I find that reading other peoples stories helps the hurt not feel so violating and personal because you learn that it is the disease and his one true love is alcohol and that probably wont change. I think about all of the trouble they go to to be with their lover (alcohol) and all the hardships it causes and realize I will never be that important to him.

LexieCat

When you first split from an alcoholic, it's very much the way an alcoholic feels when they first try not to drink. The slightest excuse can send you running back to what you know you should be giving up.

I get it, believe me. But just as it takes time and recovery for the alcoholic to quit reaching for the bottle at the slightest suggestion, it takes time and recovery for us to not have those urges to give it one more try.

It's very, very much like an addiction, these relationships.

So what are you going to do now?

Mightyqueen801

And, I'd like to add--it's also fear of the unknown. As awful as it is living with an alcoholic, you KNOW how to do that. You know how to navigate that boiling sea of alcoholism. Going out into new, uncharted waters is scary. You don't know what's out there-maybe new monsters under the water. But you do know what the monster is in the water you're in now. Why not take the chance that there's a beautiful island and calm water just over the horizon?

Feeling rather poetic tonight...

Recovering2

This is a contagious disease...over time we become as ill as the alcoholic. We accept things most people wouldn't even consider, abnormal behavior becomes normal to us. It takes work to break that pattern. AlAnon is a huge help in finding a new healthy way of living. We get this one life, it's important that we take good care of ourselves.

spiderqueen

Just want to chime in and say I understand, and am right there with you. Haven't let go of my ABF either. A little over a week ago, he was in the usual effed up binge state, said horrible things (which he didn't remember), expressed regret and remorse, and I've allowed him back "in" (heart, not home - we don't live together.)

So I am the WRONG person to offer advice, but the RIGHT person to offer my deepest empathy. Thank you for sharing your story.

wicked

First, I want to correct you on this.
You are not stupid. At all.
And I know what you mean, I could tell my ex was drunk over the phone in 3 words
or less! (a new game show!)
I guess the question remains though,
what now?
You know he is a lying, cheating drunk.
His promises mean nothing. I know this from personal experience as a drunk.
Take care of yourself.

You deserve a truthful, honest, sober man.
One who makes his own living and would rather chew off his arm
than ask his woman for money!
They are in the other waters, the ones we don't know, so we are afraid.
But, try some AlAnon meetings, and you will meet others who understand you.

Beth

I have been in the rough waters too.