Parenting child-adult in recovery but in trouble.
 

So, long story short version - get a call from my daughter ( who is in recovery and struggling through school ) that her father who said he would co sign her school loan - gets the paperwork and says NO! It will mess with his credit and he wants to buy a house with his girlfriend. I can't do it and try to encourage her to explore other options. But feel awful - I remember my AM not willing to help me and not willing to take me in at her age and I didn't have a problem - had to go live and depend on strangers.

My situation turned out ok after awhile. But her father has often promised things and then disappointed or said no and then undermines what i am doing. We are all adults now and I am trying to stay focused on supporting her emotionally. My memories of how I felt at her age are frustrating for me. The main difference is that she does have a place to go. I have offered several times knowing he was not renewing the apt and refusing to pay her rent - while she was not working but now is. She refuses my help but lets me know she is upset. How do I manage this one?

I dont want to focus on her father or her relationship with him as she has been seeing his limitations this past year - I just want to manage my relationship with her to the best of my ability and hers. I think I am concerned that she will either turn far away from me or try to force me to take care of her leaving nothing in between. I cannot control that choice but wonder how to manage my reaction and behavior.

You can't control what she does and does not focus on and you shouldn't try.

If she turns from you you can only reach out and be there waiting. If she tries to "force" you to take care of her you can decide what you're willing to do, set appropriate boundaries, and stick with them.

I guess you let her be upset. You can't prevent everyone you love from being disappointed. Sounds like this is between her and her dad. She can figure out other options to pay for school. You've offered your emotional support, and offered her a place to stay. If she doesn't want to take you up on it, that's her business.

I do not understand why my adult children do this either.
What I started to do, and I did not want to, was ask what they wanted from me.
I explained I was feeling helpless, and that is not their responsibility,
that is how I am feeling.
Of course, I want to solve the problem, and if I do not have the money, (usually the issue) I feel guilty. (again my feeling, my responsibility)
Even though this bill is a monthly obligation, and like your daughter she knows what
Dad says and what happens are two different things.

Okay, Kassie, I think I do this too. I assume my daughter is struggling with
the same things I did. Your daughter will not have to depend on strangers,
she will have you. My daughter had to borrow for school, but she is doing
as little as possible, and is hanging in there with her small place with her
boyfriend right now.
Learning very good lessons I think. :lmao
If I can stay out of the way! (that's me I am talkin about.)

This may not be helpful at all, but I wanted to say I hear you.

Beth

What I noticed recently, if my daughter needs a few bucks (she says birth control :lmao) she is more direct, and I can say no. :gaah

I became aware that I had a similar problem with my mother around the same age - but I was working and doing the best I could which is why ppl offerred to help me.

I wanted to make sure that I was separating me from her. From my situ from hers. And did recognize the differences. The problems she has are different from mine. I have offered what I 'can and she called again - I let her know that she has a home but has to help out. She did not respond to the offer and continued to complain about her father's choices and how others are willing to help.

My feelings of helplessness are met with her denial and so I will let go of the outcome. Why she calls I cannot figure - just hoping underneath it all she knows I am there for her and love her. My son reminds me that she is being naive about her father and unrealistic about life. He reassures me when I ask and tells me he doesnt understand her - he respects my decisions and me.

I hate this, I hate when she is in these situations, and I know it is part of her learning that I have to step aside. I just find it difficult because I care so much.