My daughters boyfriend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 14
My daughters boyfriend
I'm new to your forum but I'm almost desperate for advise and support. I am not sure how to handle my current situation without hurting my adult daughter. I have to do something to protect the rest of my family but I'm not really sure what I need to do.
I suppose I should start from the beginning. As a young girl I watched my father drink himself to death. As most would imagine, that left a lasting and profound impression on me. As a result I'm not only a nondrinker I'm repulsed by drinking and I have carved out a life for myself and my family that does not include alcohol. I worked in a bar for a while and I learned from that experience that I am not capable of being around alcohol without having panic and anxiety attacks.
Recently my adult daughter has asked if she can move back home temporarily while she and her boyfriend get on their feet financially and I agreed to let them. I knew that her boyfriend had beer "occasionally so I made abstaining from alcohol a condition for living in my home. I allowed them to stay believing that they would comply and it wouldn't be a problem but I was very wrong. They have been in my home since July first and her boyfriend has consumed alcohol every day without fail. I've talked with both of them about it. I've reminded them of my rules and I've even told him that his drinking is causing me intense amounts of anxiety and yet he continues to drink.
My daughter does not drink but she became upset with me because I told him that if he drinks again I will throw him out. She probably thinks that she is defending him but really it's his drinking that she is defending and that's just strange to me. They are suppose to be saving money for their own place but he drinks his entire paycheck and I've caught him digging through her purse to take her money. (Any money, credit or debit cards and kids piggy banks are hidden)
Given my history I might be too quick to call him an alcoholic but to me, if he can't even go one day without drinking it's a problem. In the beginning I thought asking him to go a month was reasonable but he hasn't made it through even one day so far.
I am worried about my family and the influence of alcohol on my younger children (who are also disgusted by this) but im seriously worried about my adult daughter and the life she could be in for if nothing in this relationship changes.
I just don't know what to do. He did promise me today that he won't drink any more while they are living here but I don't exactly believe him.
Any advice or guidance would be appreciated.
I suppose I should start from the beginning. As a young girl I watched my father drink himself to death. As most would imagine, that left a lasting and profound impression on me. As a result I'm not only a nondrinker I'm repulsed by drinking and I have carved out a life for myself and my family that does not include alcohol. I worked in a bar for a while and I learned from that experience that I am not capable of being around alcohol without having panic and anxiety attacks.
Recently my adult daughter has asked if she can move back home temporarily while she and her boyfriend get on their feet financially and I agreed to let them. I knew that her boyfriend had beer "occasionally so I made abstaining from alcohol a condition for living in my home. I allowed them to stay believing that they would comply and it wouldn't be a problem but I was very wrong. They have been in my home since July first and her boyfriend has consumed alcohol every day without fail. I've talked with both of them about it. I've reminded them of my rules and I've even told him that his drinking is causing me intense amounts of anxiety and yet he continues to drink.
My daughter does not drink but she became upset with me because I told him that if he drinks again I will throw him out. She probably thinks that she is defending him but really it's his drinking that she is defending and that's just strange to me. They are suppose to be saving money for their own place but he drinks his entire paycheck and I've caught him digging through her purse to take her money. (Any money, credit or debit cards and kids piggy banks are hidden)
Given my history I might be too quick to call him an alcoholic but to me, if he can't even go one day without drinking it's a problem. In the beginning I thought asking him to go a month was reasonable but he hasn't made it through even one day so far.
I am worried about my family and the influence of alcohol on my younger children (who are also disgusted by this) but im seriously worried about my adult daughter and the life she could be in for if nothing in this relationship changes.
I just don't know what to do. He did promise me today that he won't drink any more while they are living here but I don't exactly believe him.
Any advice or guidance would be appreciated.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Babe - you set a boundary. He has not respected it. Tell them both they need to move out.
They're both adults. You generously agrees to helping them. Instead, they are taking advantage of you.
If he can afford to drink every day, their finances aren't in the toilet completely. You are only providing him with a comfortable existence while he drinks
I say kick them out. Don't even reiterate your boundary and give them another chance.
They're both adults. You generously agrees to helping them. Instead, they are taking advantage of you.
If he can afford to drink every day, their finances aren't in the toilet completely. You are only providing him with a comfortable existence while he drinks
I say kick them out. Don't even reiterate your boundary and give them another chance.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, your daughter is an adult, so what SHE decides to accept for herself is up to her.
YOU, however, have the right to a peaceful life in your own home. You have told him drinking isn't permitted, and he is doing whatever he wants anyway. I would simply kick him out. It's up to your daughter what she does. If I were you, I would be prepared for her to get VERY angry and maybe to stop speaking to you for a while. That's her problem, not yours.
I think you would benefit a lot from Al-Anon. You have issues from your childhood that are still affecting you. You certainly don't have to get to where you are totally OK with drinking--especially in your own home--but it might be good not to feel as sensitive to it in other settings. In addition, that experience from your childhood probably affects you in many other ways--some of which you might not even be aware of, but still holding you back to some extent in your life.
Glad you're here.
YOU, however, have the right to a peaceful life in your own home. You have told him drinking isn't permitted, and he is doing whatever he wants anyway. I would simply kick him out. It's up to your daughter what she does. If I were you, I would be prepared for her to get VERY angry and maybe to stop speaking to you for a while. That's her problem, not yours.
I think you would benefit a lot from Al-Anon. You have issues from your childhood that are still affecting you. You certainly don't have to get to where you are totally OK with drinking--especially in your own home--but it might be good not to feel as sensitive to it in other settings. In addition, that experience from your childhood probably affects you in many other ways--some of which you might not even be aware of, but still holding you back to some extent in your life.
Glad you're here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 14
As I was reading your responses I was thinking to myself how sensible you both sounded. It's absolutely simple when you just put it out there like that. I kind of got really afraid of tossing one or both of them out but I know that you're right.
I'm going to work up my courage and do it.
I'm going to work up my courage and do it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Hey Copious, Welcome to SR.
It's your house, so you get to make the rules. It's one of the nice things about being an adult and having your own place.
They are adults and if they don't like your rules, they can find their own place to live.
It's your house, so you get to make the rules. It's one of the nice things about being an adult and having your own place.
They are adults and if they don't like your rules, they can find their own place to live.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
Time to evict him and if she gets mad, then she gets mad. She'll get over it. It's your house and you make the rules, he's not sticking to the deal, so he needs to leave. Be prepared for her to get mad, but that's ok, this too shall pass. You dont have to put up with this, especially with other kids in the house.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 179
Agree with all - just make sure that when you tell him he needs to leave that you are ready to follow through with it. Decide when he needs to leave by, communicate it, and think of what you will do if he doesn't respect your boundaries. Good luck! And welcome to SR.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by copious 
I typed that out with my phone. Please forgive any typing blunders.
ANYthing, ANYhow, ANYway that will get you through the door and on the path to wellness is overall good and blessed.
So God Bless your phone, eh?
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Copious - that's what addiction does to even is who aren't addicts: it makes us lose sight of what's acceptable and reasonable. I was married to an alcoholic who became increasingly abusive, and I didnt see how unacceptable my situation was.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
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Thank you everyone for being so helpful to a stranger. Hammer, yes, I use my phone rather than a computer most of the time. The biggest problem with that is usually the weird auto-correct but on this forum I can't seem to scroll through the message before I send so I can't proofread.
Lillamy., I believe your right. I was shocked that my daughter was angry with me for telling him he has to stop drinking in my home. There wasn't anything said by me about him personally, my focus was entirely on alcohol but she is angry because I won't allow alcohol in my home. To her the problem isn't his drinking or inability to stop the problem is that I won't allow it. I have no idea how her head has become so mixed up but it worries me for her.
Last night the two of them decided to tell me everything in the world that's wrong with me. I actually listened and agreed with some of it. When they were done I told them that it's true that I **** and that my **** stinks but just because I **** and it stinks doesn't mean I have to swim around in his sewage. I also told them they have to be out of my home on August first. If they aren't I'll have them evicted.
My heart is breaking for my daughter but as you all said, she is an adult and she is free to swim in his sewage as long as she wants and as long as it's not in my home. She can stay here as long as she's willing to follow my rules but alcohol is not welcome here.
Lillamy., I believe your right. I was shocked that my daughter was angry with me for telling him he has to stop drinking in my home. There wasn't anything said by me about him personally, my focus was entirely on alcohol but she is angry because I won't allow alcohol in my home. To her the problem isn't his drinking or inability to stop the problem is that I won't allow it. I have no idea how her head has become so mixed up but it worries me for her.
Last night the two of them decided to tell me everything in the world that's wrong with me. I actually listened and agreed with some of it. When they were done I told them that it's true that I **** and that my **** stinks but just because I **** and it stinks doesn't mean I have to swim around in his sewage. I also told them they have to be out of my home on August first. If they aren't I'll have them evicted.
My heart is breaking for my daughter but as you all said, she is an adult and she is free to swim in his sewage as long as she wants and as long as it's not in my home. She can stay here as long as she's willing to follow my rules but alcohol is not welcome here.
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Copious, you have done the right thing. I have had horrible confrontations with my adult children on the same issue. It is no fun, for sure--but very necessary.
Remember, that you are the mother and you are setting an example for them--you are "teaching" them, in other words. You are teaching them how to set boundaries and to enforce them. You are showing that you have certain values and self-respect. They need to see this. It is m ore important to be a good m other than for them to "like" you.
Of course they will push the boundaries to see if they can get their way. They still have some maturing to do. They will be mad; they will throw tantrums; they will try to go after your weaknesses (they know where your buttons are). That is o.k.--detach and ignore their criticisms--they are just quacking. They have to learn how to make it in the tough world--like everybody else!!
Your daughter will not stop loving you--in the end. She won't show that now. Just know that it is buried deep down inside (for now). The m ost important thing is that they will RESPECT you. Don't worry--they will survive.
Realize that your daughter is in denial about her boyfriends drinking. She can't see clearly right now. I predict that this relationship may topple. When she comes crying to you in the future about him--you can then recommend alanon.
I've been there, mom. Best for you that you detach-detach-detach. Oh, and alanon for you, too.
dandylion
Remember, that you are the mother and you are setting an example for them--you are "teaching" them, in other words. You are teaching them how to set boundaries and to enforce them. You are showing that you have certain values and self-respect. They need to see this. It is m ore important to be a good m other than for them to "like" you.
Of course they will push the boundaries to see if they can get their way. They still have some maturing to do. They will be mad; they will throw tantrums; they will try to go after your weaknesses (they know where your buttons are). That is o.k.--detach and ignore their criticisms--they are just quacking. They have to learn how to make it in the tough world--like everybody else!!
Your daughter will not stop loving you--in the end. She won't show that now. Just know that it is buried deep down inside (for now). The m ost important thing is that they will RESPECT you. Don't worry--they will survive.
Realize that your daughter is in denial about her boyfriends drinking. She can't see clearly right now. I predict that this relationship may topple. When she comes crying to you in the future about him--you can then recommend alanon.
I've been there, mom. Best for you that you detach-detach-detach. Oh, and alanon for you, too.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
Remember she is "in love" with this guy and he's just fine and the rest of the world is somehow the enemy. Hopefully she will wake up and see what he is, and adjust her life accordingly.
When my son was 18 he wanted his girlfriend to sleep over in his bed. I said no, it's my house, my rules. He was beyond furious with me, but I stuck to my guns and it didnt happen. He got over it and it didnt take long.
Your daughter will get over it, and life will go on. It may be the end of the world to her and she believes you are a first class b*tch, but this too will pass.
I'm glad Aug 1 is their deadline, it's not that far off, and it's long enough for them to find another place willing to put up with him and his drinking.
When my son was 18 he wanted his girlfriend to sleep over in his bed. I said no, it's my house, my rules. He was beyond furious with me, but I stuck to my guns and it didnt happen. He got over it and it didnt take long.
Your daughter will get over it, and life will go on. It may be the end of the world to her and she believes you are a first class b*tch, but this too will pass.
I'm glad Aug 1 is their deadline, it's not that far off, and it's long enough for them to find another place willing to put up with him and his drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 14
I'm sorry if I'm being dense but could someone please tell me how to get involved with alanon?
Thank you for sharing your parenting experiences with me. I know you're correct and we do have a very loving foundation. I'm just so shocked and hurt and worried for her. She is so smart usually and so otherwise competent. I keep saying it's going to be fine but it feels like I'm dying inside.
Thank you for sharing your parenting experiences with me. I know you're correct and we do have a very loving foundation. I'm just so shocked and hurt and worried for her. She is so smart usually and so otherwise competent. I keep saying it's going to be fine but it feels like I'm dying inside.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
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Try looking here: Al-Anon Local Meetings.
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If you were allergic to cats, and you told them they couldn't have cats....and they brought 3 cats into your house...it would not be okay. You told them no alcohol in your house, and they brought it in anyway. Not okay. If they were that desperate for a place to live, they would put up with any rule in the short term until they could afford their own place.
It is good to set boundaries, they help keep order. Boundaries are for you, not for the other person. So if you aren't comfortable around alcohol, not allowing it in your home is a sensible boundary for you. The person who violates that boundary may become angry, and that's okay. They can have their reaction, doesn't need to change the boundary.
I would suggest remaining detached at this point, until they move out. They are likely going to try a few more blame games with you, they may try to pick a fight. Don't go there. There is nothing to fight about. They violated your boundary, and you have now been clear as to the consequence. If they never have to deal with the consequences of their actions, they never learn the lesson. I truly don't see the need for any further discussion on the topic. August 1st...they can live by any rules they want.
I do hope you find an AlAnon meeting near you. Those rooms are full of people who have dealt with similar childhoods, experiences, etc. People at AlAnon "get it". You will find tremendous support.
It is good to set boundaries, they help keep order. Boundaries are for you, not for the other person. So if you aren't comfortable around alcohol, not allowing it in your home is a sensible boundary for you. The person who violates that boundary may become angry, and that's okay. They can have their reaction, doesn't need to change the boundary.
I would suggest remaining detached at this point, until they move out. They are likely going to try a few more blame games with you, they may try to pick a fight. Don't go there. There is nothing to fight about. They violated your boundary, and you have now been clear as to the consequence. If they never have to deal with the consequences of their actions, they never learn the lesson. I truly don't see the need for any further discussion on the topic. August 1st...they can live by any rules they want.
I do hope you find an AlAnon meeting near you. Those rooms are full of people who have dealt with similar childhoods, experiences, etc. People at AlAnon "get it". You will find tremendous support.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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I feel sick and I'm shaking. He came here wearing a lot of Cologne but I could still smell it. I told him and he called me a liar. I told him that I could still smell it and that he has to leave. He stomped around and told me it was my fault but he did leave.
I can't believe I actually did it. I also sent my daughter a Text because she's at work and I want her to know both sides and that she can still come home without him.
I feel like I've been punched but I know I did the right thing.
I can't believe I actually did it. I also sent my daughter a Text because she's at work and I want her to know both sides and that she can still come home without him.
I feel like I've been punched but I know I did the right thing.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You DID do the right thing, and yes, it feels scary at first standing up for ourselves and enforcing those reasonable boundaries we have. Ultimately, though, it will make you feel much more in control of your own life and happiness. It may take a while before it feels "OK" to do stuff like this. Do it anyway. It will become more natural with time.
Nice going--PROUD OF YOU!!
Nice going--PROUD OF YOU!!
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Thank you. I still feel sick but it's going to be okay. I don't know what my daughter will do but I'm praying that she will do the smart thing .
Thank you for listening. I know it should be natural to protect and defend my family but it's so hard.
Thank you for listening. I know it should be natural to protect and defend my family but it's so hard.
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