So alone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Austin, Tx
Posts: 43
So alone
Today I am feeling so alone. It is raining outside and I am stuck in. I am hoping I will be able to attend a meeting later, but for now I am a little stir crazy.
I left my AW a week and a half ago . When we were visiting her mother 2 weeks ago after her fathers passing I found her engrossed in texting on the phone all evening. When I came near her she would turn the phone so I couldn't see or suddenly turn it off. Big red flags went up.
Come to find out my fears were not imaginary and I found she was sexting an old online flame. We have been down this road before, last time in January, and she swore it was over then with this same person.
When we returned home I left her as soon as I found a place and left a note. I didn't need one as she knew the situation from the discussion we had about it.
I told her she had crossed a my boudary which I made very clear in the past. Now I am sitting in a hotel room waiting for her to tell me it is over between them, so we can even start to talk about rebuilding.
The only good thing so far that has come of this is she finally went to 2 AA meetings the past 2 days. This is the first in 8 years and seems excited to get a sponsor and get into the program. I have been going to Al Anon meetings every day since I got back and have a person I want to ask to be my sponsor.
I am just so lonely and feel every minute that she does not end this she is choosing this online affair over our marriage. She says she needs finality and wants to speak with him and tell him how she feels and end it for good, but he is a coward and any negative online confrontation and he disappears for long periods of time.
I know this boundary is rigid. I cannot be in a relationship with someone who is cheating on me even if it is just online and there is nothing physical. i don't know what I am going to do. I should let her end it on her terms. It is not my relationship to end. But when she says that if after a few more days he does not respond she will just give up. No finality for her or me or him. I just feel that is unacceptable.
I hope I can get past this. I have no doubt of her love for me, and mine for her. I know that she is still suffering from the effects of alcoholism, and has been during this entire time frame.
I just need to get a little, serenity and make it through tonight. I need to work on me and get this obsessive thinking out of my head
Thanks for listening. It feels good to get it out of my head as scattered as it is.
I left my AW a week and a half ago . When we were visiting her mother 2 weeks ago after her fathers passing I found her engrossed in texting on the phone all evening. When I came near her she would turn the phone so I couldn't see or suddenly turn it off. Big red flags went up.
Come to find out my fears were not imaginary and I found she was sexting an old online flame. We have been down this road before, last time in January, and she swore it was over then with this same person.
When we returned home I left her as soon as I found a place and left a note. I didn't need one as she knew the situation from the discussion we had about it.
I told her she had crossed a my boudary which I made very clear in the past. Now I am sitting in a hotel room waiting for her to tell me it is over between them, so we can even start to talk about rebuilding.
The only good thing so far that has come of this is she finally went to 2 AA meetings the past 2 days. This is the first in 8 years and seems excited to get a sponsor and get into the program. I have been going to Al Anon meetings every day since I got back and have a person I want to ask to be my sponsor.
I am just so lonely and feel every minute that she does not end this she is choosing this online affair over our marriage. She says she needs finality and wants to speak with him and tell him how she feels and end it for good, but he is a coward and any negative online confrontation and he disappears for long periods of time.
I know this boundary is rigid. I cannot be in a relationship with someone who is cheating on me even if it is just online and there is nothing physical. i don't know what I am going to do. I should let her end it on her terms. It is not my relationship to end. But when she says that if after a few more days he does not respond she will just give up. No finality for her or me or him. I just feel that is unacceptable.
I hope I can get past this. I have no doubt of her love for me, and mine for her. I know that she is still suffering from the effects of alcoholism, and has been during this entire time frame.
I just need to get a little, serenity and make it through tonight. I need to work on me and get this obsessive thinking out of my head
Thanks for listening. It feels good to get it out of my head as scattered as it is.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 73
You said you couldn't be in a relationship where someone was cheating on you. Yet, you are sitting in a hotel room waiting for her to end an affair, (even though it may be online or on the phone its still cheating). If she hasnt ended it yet then she IS choosing the affair over your marriage. If she has done this before and lied about ending it, what makes you think it will be any different this time? this behavior is unacceptable. Move on with your life. You deserve better and the support here is awesome!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Round11, good for you to be able to draw a boundary and to enforce it. I know this hurts and I am so sorry that you are going through this.
Great that you are getting a sponsor. Structure and detachment will help you to stay your course.
You WILL make your way through this. You will.
The serenity prayer.
dandylion
Great that you are getting a sponsor. Structure and detachment will help you to stay your course.
You WILL make your way through this. You will.
The serenity prayer.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Prairie Village, KS
Posts: 264
Sorry. This doesn't make much sense to me. Why soul he have "closure." If she loves you she wouldn't be having an online affair or feel the need toned it properly. I hope it works out for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Big fat hugs to you, friend. This is hard difficult stuff. I'm gonna tell you the same thing I tell my girlfriends though: if you want to be with this person, you know the hell you'll have to walk through, better make sure it's worth it.
And never ever for a moment believe that this is the best you can do and hold on simply because you don't think you have options.
And never ever for a moment believe that this is the best you can do and hold on simply because you don't think you have options.
Minx
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Nz
Posts: 35
YOU, deserve some one who loves u, smiles at you, hugs you, and only wants to be with u, I know it's hard mate but u need to tell her that YOU have made the decision, and it's over,
Take care of yourself,she is not going to take care of u, she is too wrapped up in her own drama, u do not need it,
Xx
Take care of yourself,she is not going to take care of u, she is too wrapped up in her own drama, u do not need it,
Xx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
If I knew then what I know know, I probably would have left when I first learned about my husband's girlfriend. First, when I realized things weren't right and asked him straight -out, he lied because "it was over and he didn't want to hurt me." Then, she was still contacting him and it wasn't his fault. Then she was a psycho and it still wasn't his fault, and then, and then, for months. It took me a LONG time to understand that controlling him was not going to work.
And then...he stopped seeing her and started drinking again. Yay. More lessons in not controlling others! None of it has anything to do with me, really. We all know i didn't Cause it. The part that has to do with me is how it affects me, whether i set and maintain boundaries, and whether or not I work on my own issues.
I personally think you should run for the hills. I respect your choice, though, whatever it might be. Just remember that you deserve better than what you've been getting. Take care.
And then...he stopped seeing her and started drinking again. Yay. More lessons in not controlling others! None of it has anything to do with me, really. We all know i didn't Cause it. The part that has to do with me is how it affects me, whether i set and maintain boundaries, and whether or not I work on my own issues.
I personally think you should run for the hills. I respect your choice, though, whatever it might be. Just remember that you deserve better than what you've been getting. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
RoundII-
It was my ex-husband's affair that finally got me dealing with the alcohol issue (don't ask me why....but I finally came out of denial).
I don't know if affairs and alcohol stem from the same place for people, but I do know this.
The affair and the drinking both made me feel similar. Out of control, like a failure somehow, like a bad person etc. Like a crazy person.
The good news is that recovery and hard work on EITHER, made both of them better.
Do you know there is support like SR for affairs. The biggest known one is survivinginfidelity. I found Al-Anon really helpful also, especially the skills of loving detachment.
When I read your post I was struck by how out of sink her words and her actions seem to be. I experienced this around the affair, but also around the alcohol use. This experience has forced me to start believing a person's actions...and not their words. Her words around both/either are probably not going to be real trustworthy for awhile.....
Best of luck for your healing, regardless of what outcome happens in your relationship know that you can heal, take care of yourself and thrive.
It was my ex-husband's affair that finally got me dealing with the alcohol issue (don't ask me why....but I finally came out of denial).
I don't know if affairs and alcohol stem from the same place for people, but I do know this.
The affair and the drinking both made me feel similar. Out of control, like a failure somehow, like a bad person etc. Like a crazy person.
The good news is that recovery and hard work on EITHER, made both of them better.
Do you know there is support like SR for affairs. The biggest known one is survivinginfidelity. I found Al-Anon really helpful also, especially the skills of loving detachment.
When I read your post I was struck by how out of sink her words and her actions seem to be. I experienced this around the affair, but also around the alcohol use. This experience has forced me to start believing a person's actions...and not their words. Her words around both/either are probably not going to be real trustworthy for awhile.....
Best of luck for your healing, regardless of what outcome happens in your relationship know that you can heal, take care of yourself and thrive.
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