Husband with a drinking problem
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 47
Husband with a drinking problem
Hi, I'm new here....I posted a while ago when I was dealing with my own drinking problem. I am now almost 8 months sober 
Anyway, my husband has always been a drinker and a pot smoker. We've been married for 10 years, known each other for 12, and he's drank beer and smoked pot every single day. He quit smoking pot about 2 months ago, after he was at a party and smoked something he *thought* was pot but instead it caused him to black out for an entire day and during that blackout he cheated on me (we only know this b/c I tested positive for chlamydia 2 months ago...he doesn't remember the incident). I asked him to stop smoking b/c it puts him in dangerous situations, and this was not the first negative side effect he's had from it. So he agreed. I bought at-home drug tests and he's passed consistently. But he says he misses it b/c it balanced him out. He's on Xanax now, but it's not the same.
But since he's not smoking, he's drinking more, and it's affecting him differently. He gets drunk more quickly and has said some hurtful things to me, and is just plain annoying. We went to therapy. He cut down the drinking from 10 beers a day to about 5 most days. Still, it irks me. He had too many a couple nights one week and I let him know that it bothered me. Then he said he thought he should quit for a while. That lasted 1.5 days. But at least he's not sneaking the beer. Then he said he would only have 1-2 a day, but it's more like 5.
He needs help. He HATED therapy and definitely won't go again. I've offered to go to AA meetings with him, but I don't see him ever going there either. He just doesn't want to talk to anyone about it. He needs to quit, but it's so hard for him, especially since he doesn't smoke pot anymore...he needs a buzz in some form. It's so hard not to get frustrated with him and say "I quit cold turkey, why can't you?!" But I know it's difficult. What can I do?
Anyway, my husband has always been a drinker and a pot smoker. We've been married for 10 years, known each other for 12, and he's drank beer and smoked pot every single day. He quit smoking pot about 2 months ago, after he was at a party and smoked something he *thought* was pot but instead it caused him to black out for an entire day and during that blackout he cheated on me (we only know this b/c I tested positive for chlamydia 2 months ago...he doesn't remember the incident). I asked him to stop smoking b/c it puts him in dangerous situations, and this was not the first negative side effect he's had from it. So he agreed. I bought at-home drug tests and he's passed consistently. But he says he misses it b/c it balanced him out. He's on Xanax now, but it's not the same.
But since he's not smoking, he's drinking more, and it's affecting him differently. He gets drunk more quickly and has said some hurtful things to me, and is just plain annoying. We went to therapy. He cut down the drinking from 10 beers a day to about 5 most days. Still, it irks me. He had too many a couple nights one week and I let him know that it bothered me. Then he said he thought he should quit for a while. That lasted 1.5 days. But at least he's not sneaking the beer. Then he said he would only have 1-2 a day, but it's more like 5.
He needs help. He HATED therapy and definitely won't go again. I've offered to go to AA meetings with him, but I don't see him ever going there either. He just doesn't want to talk to anyone about it. He needs to quit, but it's so hard for him, especially since he doesn't smoke pot anymore...he needs a buzz in some form. It's so hard not to get frustrated with him and say "I quit cold turkey, why can't you?!" But I know it's difficult. What can I do?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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You can stop trying to change him. It doesn't work and will just frustrate you both.
I am somewhat suspicious of his claim not to have any recollection of the cheating incident. I've never heard of anyone "blacking out" on pot or anything else you smoke. And even if he didn't remember, that doesn't get him off the hook. Blackouts only erase the memory--they don't cause people to do things against their will. But your drug testing him isn't a good idea. You aren't his parent, you are his wife.
I think it's awesome that you have 8 months!! Whatever you do, don't allow what he does jeopardize your sobriety.
Have you tried Al-Anon? I think the more you keep your focus on you and the less you focus on him and what he's doing, the better off you will be.
I am somewhat suspicious of his claim not to have any recollection of the cheating incident. I've never heard of anyone "blacking out" on pot or anything else you smoke. And even if he didn't remember, that doesn't get him off the hook. Blackouts only erase the memory--they don't cause people to do things against their will. But your drug testing him isn't a good idea. You aren't his parent, you are his wife.
I think it's awesome that you have 8 months!! Whatever you do, don't allow what he does jeopardize your sobriety.
Have you tried Al-Anon? I think the more you keep your focus on you and the less you focus on him and what he's doing, the better off you will be.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 47
Lexie,
I will look in to finding an Al-anon meeting. I know I can't change him, but I need a way to deal with that. I just want him to be healthy. The drug testing was his idea, b/c of the trust issues I obviously have now.
Thanks for the reply.
I will look in to finding an Al-anon meeting. I know I can't change him, but I need a way to deal with that. I just want him to be healthy. The drug testing was his idea, b/c of the trust issues I obviously have now.
Thanks for the reply.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I figured the drug testing was his idea--that isn't uncommon. The thing is, as I said, I think it's very "iffy" that his infidelity was due to some unknown substance he smoked that caused him to not remember how you wound up with chlamydia. So (a) it might be giving you a false sense of security, and (b) it does put you in a "parental" position toward him. Bad idea all around, I'd say.
I've been married to two alcoholics and am almost five years sober, myself. We have quite a few "double winners" (AA and Al-Anon) around here. I think you will find Al-Anon really helpful.
I've been married to two alcoholics and am almost five years sober, myself. We have quite a few "double winners" (AA and Al-Anon) around here. I think you will find Al-Anon really helpful.
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your own sobriety is amazing and i'm sure hard fought! please make sure to protect your own recovery, and not in any way let what's going on with him derail you.
I too am quite suspicious about the cheating while blacked out claim. in my day I did my share of drinking/partying (to excess) and also cheating and I never "forgot" - but that is only my story. how awful that you contracted something. many would find actions like cheating and catching STDs as deal breakers.....violation on multiple levels.
Xanax and drinking are a dangerous combo. obviously the Xanax is not having the desired effect! he doesn't seem to much interested in getting OFF of everything, only substituting to keep the buzz going.
stay true to yourself and more will be revealed.
I too am quite suspicious about the cheating while blacked out claim. in my day I did my share of drinking/partying (to excess) and also cheating and I never "forgot" - but that is only my story. how awful that you contracted something. many would find actions like cheating and catching STDs as deal breakers.....violation on multiple levels.
Xanax and drinking are a dangerous combo. obviously the Xanax is not having the desired effect! he doesn't seem to much interested in getting OFF of everything, only substituting to keep the buzz going.
stay true to yourself and more will be revealed.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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SomewhereElse, How would you feel about his cheating if he was not an addict? (a question to ask yourself).
I, too, am suspicious of his "blackout" story to cover the offense. He apparently only told you after you became symptomatic of chlamydia. For one thing, you can have asymptomatic chlamydia for long periods of time with no symptoms at all. Most all men will lie when confronted with evidence of infidelity (as per statistical research).
You know that his addiction is beyond your reach. Do NOT let this put your own sobriety at risk. This is not an easy situation, I know.
dandylion
I, too, am suspicious of his "blackout" story to cover the offense. He apparently only told you after you became symptomatic of chlamydia. For one thing, you can have asymptomatic chlamydia for long periods of time with no symptoms at all. Most all men will lie when confronted with evidence of infidelity (as per statistical research).
You know that his addiction is beyond your reach. Do NOT let this put your own sobriety at risk. This is not an easy situation, I know.
dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Ok, you guys may be right...he may be lying. I truly don't think he would do it if he realized what he was doing, but I could be wrong. But honestly, thinking about that is not helping me right now...actually, it's making me sad.
I just want to know what I can do now. Does he just have to figure out on his own that drinking is bad for him? Is there anything I can do to help? I have a feeling that the answer is no. I just get aggravated when he opens a beer now and I don't want to feel like that. Al-anon was a great suggestion and I will check it out.
I just want to know what I can do now. Does he just have to figure out on his own that drinking is bad for him? Is there anything I can do to help? I have a feeling that the answer is no. I just get aggravated when he opens a beer now and I don't want to feel like that. Al-anon was a great suggestion and I will check it out.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Well, there's realizing and there's REALIZING. IOW, it's possible he was fully aware of what he was doing, but that the booze messed with his inhibitions. People who drive drunk are fully responsible for their actions, and a lot of them wouldn't be that irresponsible if they weren't drinking.
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Originally Posted by SomewhereElse 
I just want to know what I can do now.
Second, take care of you because I bet you no one but yourself got YOU sober.
It hurts that we can help people in so many ways to get through life but when it comes to addiction, the people who are fighting it, are truly on their own. We can scream, cry, beg and barter... Nothing will stop it until they are ready to stop the madness.
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That's the way he tells it. Like some others here, I don't believe that at all.
He CLAIMS that he doesn't remember it.
"....after he was at a party and smoked something he *thought* was pot but instead it caused him to black out for an entire day and during that blackout he cheated on me (we only know this b/c I tested positive for chlamydia 2 months ago...he doesn't remember the incident)"
He CLAIMS that he doesn't remember it.
"....after he was at a party and smoked something he *thought* was pot but instead it caused him to black out for an entire day and during that blackout he cheated on me (we only know this b/c I tested positive for chlamydia 2 months ago...he doesn't remember the incident)"
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