Wisconsin

It is only my opinion, but you can do both. You can call a lawyer, learn about the steps involved, and your rights. You can continue to do things to protect yourself and the baby, up to and including proceeding with a divorce. You can also tell him something along the lines of "I cannot continue to be in a marriage where this behavior occurs. I can only control and change myself, and only you can change yourself." If you have certain boundaries, you can choose to share them with him, or you can just implement and enforce them (i.e., you will not live together until he has a certain amount of time working a program/in recovery, no unsupervised visits with the baby until he has a certain amount of time working a program/in recovery, etc.) Only you can decide what boundaries you need to protect your serenity. But the short version is: you can call a lawyer and get this moving AND give him a chance to fix his problems. I have a friend in that exact mindset right now. She has filed for divorce and is proceeding thusly, while her husband is in early recovery and living separately. She is emotionally open to the possibility that he may make enough progress in his recovery to change her mind about divorce, but she knows she needs to keep on her path for now.

healthyagain

Oh wow, you moved out the next day? I applaud you. Trust your instincts. He can be fixing his problems, but you and your child do not have to be around.

funkynassau

I agree with Danae.

NWGRITS

This is what I was going to say. There's no reason you can't do both, or at least proceed that way for now. He may straighten up over a year, or it could get worse and you cut out. Either way, you need to protect yourself and that precious baby.

stella27

Do NOT, NOT, NOT move back into the house.

Talk to a lawyer before you do anything. Your moving back in will just add another chapter to the nightmare and make it more difficult to get out next time.

trixie56

BigBassCat,

Thank you for this. I saw this playing out very clearly in my xabf's life...Unfortunately, he didn't see it that way. This quote is a keeper.

misskitty4321

We start marriage counseling tonight. I have dozens of people telling me "Don't bother" and "End it now", but I have 1 person telling me "You took vows" and "You're giving up too soon". Then I get on boards and see all these women leaving (or talking about leaving) alcoholic spouses after 10, 15, 20 years, and wonder if I am giving up too soon. Then I wonder "Is he REALLY an alcoholic?" I know he has major depression and is not medicated. I also know that I married a stranger since he's been on low-dose prescription Xanax and alcohol years before we met because he can't cope with everyday life. I also know that he's atheist. So, there's that little voice that says if only he could believe in God, have faith in something, and get on Prozac or whatever, he'd be mentally healthy and stable, and wouldn't drink anymore. He has the potential to be the husband I always wanted and a good father to our child (IF he wants to be, which is the part I do not truly know). Am I just grasping at straws here? Turning to delusion because the hard part is ahead of me and I don't wanna face it? It will be interesting to see if he admits any of his problems in counseling.

fedup3

misskitty, you'll know when it's time when "the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving".

Danae

Marriage counseling with an active addict or alcoholic is usually found to not be helpful (or to actually be harmful) to the non-alcoholic. The alcoholic needs to attend to their own issues first.

I hate when people say "but you took vows". Yes, but the other partner isn't holding up their end of the bargain!

As for believing in God, there are plenty of believers who are alcoholics with terrible marriages. Ditto Prozac. None of these things are a substitute for his wanting to get sober for himself. Just a thought.

If you are worried about giving up to soon--you don't need to move back in. He can deal with his problems without you there. You can't make him better, no matter where you are.

Please put the welfare and safety of your child above all else. See a lawyer in any case.

Wisconsin

I totally agree, and want to say further that most marriage counselors do not have training in counseling an addict. Traditional marriage counseling techniques assume that both partners are sane and rational. For example, traditional marriage counselors often have the spouses role play each other's behaviors in the marriage as an exercise in empathy, but an addict isn't really capable of much empathy, if any. And addicts are often master manipulators, not just of their loved ones, but of counselors who are not educated on addiction. There are certified addiction counselors who also offer marriage counseling; it's probably worth checking to see if the marriage counselor you're seeing is certified in addiction counseling as well.