jzeb2008

Can an addict actually love his wife?

My husband told me last weekend (within the same day) that he was filing fora divorceto spite me, but that he stilllovesme.In thenext breath, it was that he wanted to work things out (but we could stay separated if I wanted) as long as he was able to see his daughter regularly. When I asked him about getting sober, he ended the conversation. He didn't call all week but I found out that he got his phone turned back on Wednesday. I texted him, begginghim to consider treatment. He blew me off until today. He told me to leave him alone. I told him that I'm not saying another word about treatment, that his sobriety is his own choice but to know that the real problem in our marriage was always the way he treated me while using/drinking (neglecting me, abandonment, withholding affection, emotional abuse, ect.)and my problem was always trying to control his addiction. Next thing I know, he's telling me that he loves me and wants to see the baby and I tomorrow. I asked if we could possibly meeting for a bit to talk tonight and he said be was busy. Yeah, I bet! He said we could meet in the morning. This man has hardly been around our 2 year old daughter in almost a year. Since he's been gone, it's all he's talked about. I'm not sure if he really does love me or is just wanting to see his daughter. Is it possible that he doesn't love me anymore because I drove him away. Feedback from recovering addicts/alcoholics (or anyone) would be helpful. Thanks!

LexieCat

It's PROBABLE that he is incapable of loving anybody. And it has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do. It sounds to me like he'd like to have you around as long as you didn't cramp his drinking style too much.

I'd roll with the divorce if I were you.

Taking5

Of course it is possible for an alcoholic to love people. You just have to make a boundary as to what behavior you will put up with in a partner. Love just isn't enough.

DreamsofSerenity

I can only answer from my experience with my ex. I don't believe he was capable of truly loving me. He thought he loved me, and said he loved me all the time, but the alcohol always came first. In the end he chose the alcohol over me.

Loving someone means being able to put their needs above your own. An alcoholic's need to drink is so great it trumps all. Loving someone means you respect them, but I think an alcoholic has lost so much respect for himself, that he is incapable of respecting someone else.

So, no, I do not think an addict can really love his wife in the true sense of the word.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

hisimage48

I think the A's love as much as they think the recipient deserves their love.

Maybe I shouldn't be answering this question because I'm in a pretty PI**ed off, bitter mood tonight.

I think they are selfish and can't give love away beyond themselves and their next buzz.

Just sayin

Edit to add:

There is NO WAY that you drove him away. Please believe that.. you did NOT do it.!!!

OnawaMiniya

When people have a hard time loving themselves, they have a hard time loving others.

I do know that my husband loves me. Does he treat me like he does? Often, no.

In my experience with him, and I can only speak to my experience with him and no other's experiences, he loves me the best he knows how to.

It is said love is actions not words. Someone on here recently mentioned that. I agree that healthy love can be seen in actions - but if it's healthy the word and actions match up pretty well.

If the individual has a hard time loving themself, those things may not match up too well.

On the other hand, people who hate each other are nice to one another's faces.

So I don't think my husband doesn't love me. I think he struggles to love himself and does not know how to love others in a healthy way. He doesn't feel worthy.

Breaks my heart.

deeker

Sounds to me like he just wants to have access to the family when he chooses so says these things to avoid a divorce. Doesn't want to lose custody but wants no real responsibility. Wants his cake and eat it too.

bigbasscat

At the heart of addiction/alcoholism there is the absence of self love, and if you can't love yourself you can't love others.

Love is behavior, not an emotion.

JustanotherWOA

I "love" this! So true. Could not have said it any better. Thank you BBcat!

DG0409

Please read #5 under the Dont's in the policies here. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-tips.html

I notice you posted this same exact thing elsewhere.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-his-wife.html

Mightyqueen801

I could have written every word of this.

People have said to me that my EXAH loved me "in his own way". I don't believe that. I don't believe he was capable of loving me whatsoever. I think that his alcoholic mind saw the naive, unattractive idiot that I was--who happened to bring in a decent income--and discovered that by playing on my wish to be loved, he could pull a fast one and set himself up to continue his drinking, plus have food and shelter. I don't think he necessarily thought of that consciously, but it's how his mind works. I am still deeply ashamed after all these years that I was such a damned fool.

However, I do believe he loves our daughter as much as it is possible for him to love another person. Not enough to have supported her or put her before his alcohol when she was growing up, but he does make concessions for her that he never did for anyone else. And she knows his limitations and accepts him as he is. For that, I am grateful.

Overall, I think alcoholics cannot ever fully love.

OnawaMiniya

Oh my goodness, MQ!!! It breaks my heart to hear you being so harsh on yourself like that! It's good to realize and deal with things that make us susceptible to bring hurt - like a desire to be loved at any cost - but you are being cruel to yourself thinking in such harsh and unforgiving terms and words! Please don't call yourself an "unattractive idiot/damned fool". Big hugs to you honey... You see that you were vulnerable and have learned, it didn't mean you are fundamentally terrible. No one is perfect, we live, we learn! Pay yourself a compliment!

DreamsofSerenity

MightyQueen,

I agree with Onawa! I don't like to hear you be so hard on yourself either.

These A's totally destroy our self-esteem. Everyone who knew me told me I could do so much better than my exabf and that he didn't deserve me. Then he ends up leaving me for the bottle, and I was left feeling like I couldn't even make a man who didn't deserve me love me!

My point is that you could be the most beautiful, intelligent, accomplished woman in the world, and an A could still make you feel unattractive, unworthy, and unlovable.

OnawaMiniya

Beautifully put!

OWN that name, MightyQueen!

AnvilheadII

Can an addict actually love his wife?

actually our question should be:

Is THIS how i want to be loved?

wiscsober

Only myself: while using I certainly loved -- but it was limited and conditional.

Sober and Clean I think I truly love.

For me love is so much more than a single thing, includes caring, selflessness, understanding, politeness, Samaritan actions, kindness, peace, responsible and so much more.

Never could I embrace true love when not living sober. But today, I am not conning, conniving, cheating, stealing, bitter....I think I love and that I am loved.

I wouldn't expect anything from him....hold responsible yes...

But we can not control or change

Best to you....you are a wonderful person...a great mother....and a caring person.

OnawaMiniya

Awesomeness.

Mightyqueen801

You guys are so sweet! Got a little sniffly here reading your kind words.

Sometimes old pains raise their heads...I have a birthday coming up soon--will be 55, and that must be dredging up the disappointments in life. My EXAH was my only chance--I never got to have another relationship, and I know I probably was destined never to have any--but I was once so desperate to get married like regular women that I closed my eyes to what I was getting into. I do tend to beat myself up sometimes for being a fool.

On the plus side, I do try to count my blessings, and I have a wonderful, now-grown daughter who managed to become a strong person despite the alkie dad and codie mom (I had her in therapy by the time she was 15, lol!) I'll always have that sadness about not being loved in a relationship sense, but I do have some things to be grateful for--good health, a decent job, and I have to remember to concentrate on the positives.

Thanks.

LexieCat

Don't be so sure you are all washed up in the relationship department (unless you want to be, of course!). A good friend of mine (and former boss) had a long-term marriage from hell (not an addict so far as I know, but a pretty awful situation). She married again, briefly--it lasted only a short time. She went for a few years not dating, not interested. All of a sudden she was asked out to dinner by a judge she once practiced in front of. He was recently widowed. They had a whirlwind romance and got married. She was close to 60, he was a several years older. They were blissfully happy for several years, until he died a couple of years ago. She is back to being happily single, but she had a wonderful relationship.

My point is, you are by no means too old to give up hope of meeting someone with whom you will be happy--again, if that's what you want. Personally, I am on indefinite relationship hiatus. That's how I want it for now.