WhiteFeathers

I guess in the long, drawn-out discussions I've been having with myself about "is-he-or-is-he-not-an-alcoholic," here is a little food for thought.

We live in a two bedroom house. The house has 3 levels--living/kitchen/dining on the middle level, kids room upstairs, parents' room downstairs. It's a strange house.

In the parents' room, there is a GIANT flat screen television that is always playing sports. Always. There is also an actual bar (with stools), a fridge full of beer, vodka, ice, a wine rack + cigar humidor. There is also surround-sound. There is a small partition (not exactly a wall) behind which is a bed.

So... I have been sleeping in the kids room for years. AH has stopped wondering why I don't sleep with him in "our" room. BECAUSE IT'S A BAR!!!

Might I add that he has drinking buddies in there too. All the time.

AH says "at least he is at home and not out drinking in bars all night like other guys." But that would be better. I wish he would. He literally turned his marital bedroom into a Man Cave. Why do I put up with this??

Hopefully, in a couple months, I will be able to report that the landlord (me) has discontinued the lease on the bar and that the establishment has had to move elsewhere. I'm thinking of opening a spa

dandylion

WhiteFeathers, non-alcoholics don't turn their bedrooms into a bar complete with ever-present drinking buddies.

Clearly, alcohol is the first priority in his life. It certainly isn't you.

I empathize with you.

dandylion

Hammer

Sing-a-long >>>

http://w.youtube.com/watch?v=XD6jzn92cWU

You need to turn the bedroom/bar into a BYOBBB.

Bring Your Own Base Ball Bat.

And start cracking these morons' skulls.

Carlotta

Hi Whitefeathers,

First let me tell you that you are a true Double Winner, you staying sober in those conditions is absolutely AWESOME!!!
You might want to consider going to an Al Anon meeting once a week and start setting boundaries.
It is really not acceptable that he would turn you bedroom (which is supposed to be your sanctuary as a couple) into a hangout drinking joint for his buddies and that you have to sleep with the kids.
Until he gets sober too (which might never happen), there is really no point in marriage counseling but what you can do is learn to set boundaries, stick to them and also take good care of yourself.

hugs

AnvilheadII

wow, just when you think you'd heard it all.....i don't know which is more disturbing, that he converted the BEDROOM into a bar or that his BUDDIES hang out with him in his bedroom.....how utterly juvenile and disrespectful.

you did pose a very good question....why DO you put up with it? or why did you, cuz it sounds like it's definitely NOT ok now.

dandylion

Dear Hammer, thanks for sharing yet another of your family album with us!

dandylion

WhiteFeathers

I know! It really isn't okay! The way he rationalizes it is that since there is a wall of sorts, his "bar" is separate from the "bedroom." They are really one room. There is not even a door in between the two sections, nor can you put in a door without redoing the whole thing, architecture-wise. Even if there was a more solid wall or door it wouldn't make a difference. Imagine having a sports bar in your bedroom; now imagine putting up some drywall between the bar and your bed. Crazy.

Boundaries... OMG! Am I allowed to have those??? That is a serious question. I have got to get myself to Al-Anon when I get back to town next week.

WhiteFeathers

Hammer, I love the picture! Ha!

Unfortunately, I can't open the link . I'll try later, my internet is a little weird at the moment.

WhiteFeathers

It's strange how the reality of situations just creep up on you. The bedroom upstairs used to be "our" room before kids, and when our oldest turned 3 or so we moved "our" room downstairs so the kids could have their own room. But I spent less and less time there as the sports/booze/tv thing started happening more and more. In a way, I was hiding behind the kids, cosleeping, etc... But they are getting big and I realized "weird, I don't have anywhere to sleep in my own house."

Which is also probably the reason why I spent so much time on the back deck drinking red wine and smoking I want a bedroom dammit!!!

Hammer

Reminds you of my Amish Wimmen Fantasies, huh?

Yunno that is Carrie Nation?

Chick with a passion and a mission.

Carrie Nation - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

seems she was about my size . . .

Nation was a relatively large woman, almost 6 feet (180 cm) tall and weighing 175 pounds (79 kg), with a stern countenance. She described herself as "a bulldog running along at the feet of Jesus, barking at what He doesn't like,"[2] and claimed a divine ordination to promote temperance by destroying bars.

and she seemed to hang out with some hotties . . .




Lot to Love, there.

Hammer

It is just an older country song from the 80s or so.

I am going to hire a wino to decorate our home,
So you'll feel more at ease, and you won't have to roam.

WhiteFeathers

So funny! I kid you not, there was a Natural Light neon bar sign in there. AH found it at a salvage place. I think he thought it was ironic. Anyway, it is gone now.

GracieLou

Disclaimer: I am an alcoholic

But I was also married to one, twice. A friend of mine knows the second one. He asked me the other day why we split up. After going on for 15 minutes or so and finished up on how he was always at the bar or making plans with friends that usually ended up at the bar he says " Oh, he wanted to get away from you".

I wanted to be mad but I couldn't. It was the truth. I wanted to be away from him as much as he wanted to be away from me but for the exact same reason, we both wanted to drink in peace. You don't want to drink but you still want some peace.

transformyself

Yep. No matter what his deal is- whether he's a cross dressing midget, full blown drunk or absolutely normal individual- what matters most is what your boundaries are. What you are willing to live with.

And FYI- just a reminder about glorifying the women who started alcohol prohibition:

Those same women who initiated prohibition also ended it. It was a huge giant failure. Prohibition didn't solve any of our alcohol problems. It created so many more that the mothers once again banded together. They now needed to defeat an even more evil scourge-- the monster they created with Prohibition. It turned petty thugs into powerful gangsters who ran criminal enterprises, shot up our towns, corrupted good cops and killed out children with unregulated products like bathtub gin.

WhiteFeathers

GracieLou, I'm in recovery as well. I don't want to drink anymore, and I do want peace.

I think he wants to drink in peace, but he also thinks it's amazingly cool to have his own room with a kegerator (I just like word. it's a fridge) and a flatscreen. I actually think the tv/sports thing is an even worse addiction than the alcohol. He is rarely passed out drunk/blacked out, but he's zoned out or screaming top of his lungs at the Lakers. When the Lakers play, he gets angry drunk :shudder

GracieLou

I hear ya. I am the same. In recovery and at peace.

Mine liked to watch the Browns but he would not do it at home. He wanted to sit in the bar and yell at the screen with the rest of the fans.

Now he lives above a bar. Go figure. Can't get much closer with out actually living in one like yours. I guess he got what he always wanted...lol

dandylion

Dear Hammer, No question about it---your taste in women is very evolved. I picture that you have some publications of the same under your mattress. And yes, they are reminescent of your amish women. Truly, women of substance.

dandylion

Hammer

Please allow me to diagram it . . .

1. The Myth.






===============================


2. The Skanky Truth.





============================


3. Hawt. (or maybe just Hot, in those long dresses and all)

WhiteFeathers

Oy Vey, Hammer. Is there not a middle ground regarding the feminine ideal, LOL?

AnvilheadII

#2 reminds me of an, um, erm, how-to video i saw once and the central figure/recipient of the "how to" was called John BeerCan Smith.

Hammer, i dare say your vision options for the fairer sex do seem a bit at the extremes?????