Do they ever change?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 5
Do they ever change?
Hi,
My Fiancee is an alcoholic although he denies it, he becomes very depressed when drinking and has tried to kill himself on a couple of occasions and threatened to on numerous occasions although i believe this is often to get a reaction out of me and get me to come home when i have left.
He did stop drinking for a few weeks but i know and check his hiding places and know he has been drinking again even though he denies it.
The problem is, he is soooo nasty when he drinks. Usually he is the nicest kindestman and i love him but its like he becomes a monster. He calls me all the names under the sun, tells me im fat, im crap in bed (hes usually too drunk for sex), hes got loads of other girls after him (as if theyd put up with his ********). I was raped a few years ago and he uses it against me saying i enjoyed it, i derserved it and tries to make me relive a horrible time of my life, he also threatens that he will rape me himself. Christmas day i had a knife against my throat and he has grabbed me a few times although he hasnt been physical for a while.
I have left a few times and he threatens to kill himself and he has tried a couple of times. He also threatens to kill and hurt my family.
After the last time i called the police to find him after he threatened to kill himself he was arrested for drink driving and reffered for mental health assesment as he had suffered from depression and he seemed to be getting better but more and more often i know he has been drinking.
I guess what i want to know is if people do change or will he always be like this. I know that i should leave him but i keep kidding myself that he will change. When i have left it has usually only been for a cpl of days and he has harrassed me constantly saying vile horrible things and vandalising my car and cutting up my clothes, smashing my belongings.
I feel trapped and torn between the nice guy i love and know he can be and the total monster that he is more and more frequently becoming again. I feel like i dont know myself anymore and the effect it is having on me is immense, i am short tempered, so angry all the time in my head and very emotional, i cant concentrate on anything and im just not a very nice person to be around at the moment and im afraid im gonna crack soon
My Fiancee is an alcoholic although he denies it, he becomes very depressed when drinking and has tried to kill himself on a couple of occasions and threatened to on numerous occasions although i believe this is often to get a reaction out of me and get me to come home when i have left.
He did stop drinking for a few weeks but i know and check his hiding places and know he has been drinking again even though he denies it.
The problem is, he is soooo nasty when he drinks. Usually he is the nicest kindestman and i love him but its like he becomes a monster. He calls me all the names under the sun, tells me im fat, im crap in bed (hes usually too drunk for sex), hes got loads of other girls after him (as if theyd put up with his ********). I was raped a few years ago and he uses it against me saying i enjoyed it, i derserved it and tries to make me relive a horrible time of my life, he also threatens that he will rape me himself. Christmas day i had a knife against my throat and he has grabbed me a few times although he hasnt been physical for a while.
I have left a few times and he threatens to kill himself and he has tried a couple of times. He also threatens to kill and hurt my family.
After the last time i called the police to find him after he threatened to kill himself he was arrested for drink driving and reffered for mental health assesment as he had suffered from depression and he seemed to be getting better but more and more often i know he has been drinking.
I guess what i want to know is if people do change or will he always be like this. I know that i should leave him but i keep kidding myself that he will change. When i have left it has usually only been for a cpl of days and he has harrassed me constantly saying vile horrible things and vandalising my car and cutting up my clothes, smashing my belongings.
I feel trapped and torn between the nice guy i love and know he can be and the total monster that he is more and more frequently becoming again. I feel like i dont know myself anymore and the effect it is having on me is immense, i am short tempered, so angry all the time in my head and very emotional, i cant concentrate on anything and im just not a very nice person to be around at the moment and im afraid im gonna crack soon
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
Wow I am sorry you are dealing with this. Your fiance needs some serious help, and you cant give it to him, he needs professional help, along with a resolve to quit drinking.
In the meantime you need to take care of yourself and the first thing is to get away from him. You love what you think he can be not what he is right now. You may need professional help to figure out why you put up with this. Is there a women's shelter you can go to if you have no other place to go? This man will certainly hurt you sooner or later and there is potential he could kill you, as he's got a mean, violent streak.
Take care of you, get away from him, this isnt a healthy relationship, and he wont change til he's good and ready, and he may never reach that point.
Funkynassau
In the meantime you need to take care of yourself and the first thing is to get away from him. You love what you think he can be not what he is right now. You may need professional help to figure out why you put up with this. Is there a women's shelter you can go to if you have no other place to go? This man will certainly hurt you sooner or later and there is potential he could kill you, as he's got a mean, violent streak.
Take care of you, get away from him, this isnt a healthy relationship, and he wont change til he's good and ready, and he may never reach that point.
Funkynassau
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, ilgastoni, and welcome to SR. Glad you found us here. I've learned a lot and found a lot of help on these boards; I hope you find the same.
Do as much reading here as you can, and don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of useful material there that will help you get educated about alcoholism and addiction in general.
I would also strongly suggest finding an Alanon meeting sooner rather than later. Here is a link to their home site. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ The people there have all been in your shoes and will welcome you with open arms (kinda like here...). It's a good way to learn more about alcoholism and also to get some face-to-face support in addition to online support.
I would agree w/funky nassau about getting out and away--threats to kill you and your family are NOT normal, and you need to take that seriously.
Now to answer your question as briefly as possible: No, he will not change unless he decides he wants to and gets involved in a recovery program. But what YOU can do is start working on YOU thru Alanon and SR, and things will become more clear as you move along.
Again, welcome, and I wish you some clarity and peace today--please, do take steps to STAY SAFE.
Do as much reading here as you can, and don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of useful material there that will help you get educated about alcoholism and addiction in general.
I would also strongly suggest finding an Alanon meeting sooner rather than later. Here is a link to their home site. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ The people there have all been in your shoes and will welcome you with open arms (kinda like here...). It's a good way to learn more about alcoholism and also to get some face-to-face support in addition to online support.
I would agree w/funky nassau about getting out and away--threats to kill you and your family are NOT normal, and you need to take that seriously.
Now to answer your question as briefly as possible: No, he will not change unless he decides he wants to and gets involved in a recovery program. But what YOU can do is start working on YOU thru Alanon and SR, and things will become more clear as you move along.
Again, welcome, and I wish you some clarity and peace today--please, do take steps to STAY SAFE.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. None of us can tell you whether or not he will change. But personally I would advise not BANKING on him changing. Marrying someone's potential is a recipe for a lot of heartache.
Sending you strength and courage to navigate this difficult decision.
Sending you strength and courage to navigate this difficult decision.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
He's a monster.
It doesn't matter if he can change, what matters is who he is today.
Please remove yourself from this guy, there is something very scary about what you have written, it worries me, he sounds very sick. Too sick for you to take on.
It doesn't matter if he can change, what matters is who he is today.
Please remove yourself from this guy, there is something very scary about what you have written, it worries me, he sounds very sick. Too sick for you to take on.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
Whatever you do, dont marry this guy. He will not be a good husband, he's not even a good boyfriend/fiance. You'll end up split up sooner or later, and then the lawyers will take whatever money you have left.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
The problem is, he is soooo nasty when he drinks. Usually he is the nicest kindestman and i love him but its like he becomes a monster. He calls me all the names under the sun, tells me im fat, im crap in bed (hes usually too drunk for sex), hes got loads of other girls after him (as if theyd put up with his ********). I was raped a few years ago and he uses it against me saying i enjoyed it, i derserved it and tries to make me relive a horrible time of my life, he also threatens that he will rape me himself. Christmas day i had a knife against my throat and he has grabbed me a few times although he hasnt been physical for a while.
I hope you will come to believe that you DO NOT DESERVE this poor and abominable treatment.
I'm providing this information about domestic abuse resources and hope that you will keep it handy for when you need it. Like alcohol abuse, domestic abuse just gets worse with time if left unchecked.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hat-abuse.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Sending hugs and prayers for brighter days ahead!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 5
Thank you guys for your comments. Even as i was typing i know that i shoudl leave but every time i do he seems to show change and seems to want it and its ok for a bit then he goes back to how he was. It is also difficult for me to leave financially as he has lost numerous jobs and i have had to pay for everything through working 6 days a week, credit cards and all my savings which are gone, i cant afford to move and he wont leave. We were supposed to be getting married next year but i have cancelled all plans that we had, he said he loves me and wants to get married and would change, now i know he wont.
Thank you for the advise about womens shelter, i hadnt thought about that. I do have friends i can go to but he knows where they live and i dont want to bring trouble to their houses.
I never imagined myself to be in this position and dont know how i got here but reading through these forums i know more than ever what i have to do and hopefully have the strength to do it
Thank you for the advise about womens shelter, i hadnt thought about that. I do have friends i can go to but he knows where they live and i dont want to bring trouble to their houses.
I never imagined myself to be in this position and dont know how i got here but reading through these forums i know more than ever what i have to do and hopefully have the strength to do it
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 51
I wish you much strength and peace of mind, and think you'll find both of those in yourself, when you get away from this man. A woman's shelter would have resources for you that you never even considered. Do think seriously about this option!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I second the idea of a shelter. They can help with safety planning (so you can leave without putting yourself in danger), may be able to help with relocation, job placement, etc. There are a ton of services that may be available.
I have worked in the DV field for many, many years. I've seen many women seriously injured or killed by an abusive partner. And even though alcoholism and abuse often go together, they are separate issues. Even if he were to get sober, he has to address the underlying issues that cause him to be abusive. Usually that is a sense of entitlement having to do with his feeling it is OK to control you if you don't behave the way he wants you to. Most alcoholics are not abusive, and many abusers don't use alcohol. Please do whatever you need to do to stay safe.
I have worked in the DV field for many, many years. I've seen many women seriously injured or killed by an abusive partner. And even though alcoholism and abuse often go together, they are separate issues. Even if he were to get sober, he has to address the underlying issues that cause him to be abusive. Usually that is a sense of entitlement having to do with his feeling it is OK to control you if you don't behave the way he wants you to. Most alcoholics are not abusive, and many abusers don't use alcohol. Please do whatever you need to do to stay safe.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Ilgastoni,
The strength will be there when you need it. You are strong enough. And you don't deserve to be treated this way. You deserve someone that will love you and respect you. It is not okay to feel fearful with someone that is supposed to love you and care for you.
I too, am very worried for you. The things he says are very, very scary. I think you should start making plans to get out. Call a domestic violence hotline ...they can help you with that plan.
I also understand how you want to believe in those episodes of good behavior and kindness. You want for those to stick and be lasting. But, as you said yourself, he always goes back to being the monster. This cycle is something I lived in myself for far too long. It was a manipulation tactic that worked...it kept me in the sick relationship which enabled him and his drinking.
It's time to take care of you.
Sending lots of hugs and support. Keep us posted.
MamaKit
The strength will be there when you need it. You are strong enough. And you don't deserve to be treated this way. You deserve someone that will love you and respect you. It is not okay to feel fearful with someone that is supposed to love you and care for you.
I too, am very worried for you. The things he says are very, very scary. I think you should start making plans to get out. Call a domestic violence hotline ...they can help you with that plan.
I also understand how you want to believe in those episodes of good behavior and kindness. You want for those to stick and be lasting. But, as you said yourself, he always goes back to being the monster. This cycle is something I lived in myself for far too long. It was a manipulation tactic that worked...it kept me in the sick relationship which enabled him and his drinking.
It's time to take care of you.
Sending lots of hugs and support. Keep us posted.
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
Change your cell phone # so he cant call you then get yourself somewhere safe, dont tell him you are going, just go. Nothing wrong or embarrassing about a women's shelter, so dont hesitate if that's what's available to you. If he has access to your bank acct or credit cards, call them and get things changed so he cant take your money or run up bills anymore.
Alcoholics are amazing manipulators and that's what this guy is doing to you, he whines and carries on when you try to move out, guilts you into doing things you know you shouldn't, and acts like a big baby when he doesnt get his way. Stop getting sucked in by him, you are better than this, I'm sure of it. You deserve better, and you wont get it til you get away from him.
Funkynassau
Alcoholics are amazing manipulators and that's what this guy is doing to you, he whines and carries on when you try to move out, guilts you into doing things you know you shouldn't, and acts like a big baby when he doesnt get his way. Stop getting sucked in by him, you are better than this, I'm sure of it. You deserve better, and you wont get it til you get away from him.
Funkynassau
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I will join the chorus and recommend you leave ASAP.
If you have to sell some jewelry and your dvd player or whatever to make your escape, do so. It's only stuff and can be replaced but there is only one of you.
Staying with them and putting yourself in terrible physical danger (not to mention the psychological damage he is doing) in the hope that he might change is insane.
If you have no relatives who can help, Lexie is right there are shelters out there call the DV hotline. If he is threatening to kill himself, whatever, it s his way to keep you tied up to him and manipulate you.
Take care of yourself.
If you have to sell some jewelry and your dvd player or whatever to make your escape, do so. It's only stuff and can be replaced but there is only one of you.
Staying with them and putting yourself in terrible physical danger (not to mention the psychological damage he is doing) in the hope that he might change is insane.
If you have no relatives who can help, Lexie is right there are shelters out there call the DV hotline. If he is threatening to kill himself, whatever, it s his way to keep you tied up to him and manipulate you.
Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I hope you leave, the sooner the better. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and his drinking will only get worse. The only way an alcoholic changes is by getting sober in a supportive program like AA, but it takes a very long time to clean up the wreckage of the past and change the destructive (and self-destructive) thinking.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Pa
Posts: 21
all I can say is RUN!!!!
He may never change, but he surely will not if you keep coming back, why would he??? The signs are all there, it is not safe, he is not who you think he is. A friend of mine says this "you know that sh!t that almost never happens, well it seems it happens all the time" it never rang truer to me then when I was standing in a police station while my AW gave what few details she knew about another friends murder...no joke... We never think it is going to happen to us, but it does, all the time... Many hugs, and wishes to you love!
He may never change, but he surely will not if you keep coming back, why would he??? The signs are all there, it is not safe, he is not who you think he is. A friend of mine says this "you know that sh!t that almost never happens, well it seems it happens all the time" it never rang truer to me then when I was standing in a police station while my AW gave what few details she knew about another friends murder...no joke... We never think it is going to happen to us, but it does, all the time... Many hugs, and wishes to you love!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
the nice guy you think he is will not and cannot protect you from the monster he becomes. he's brutal and violent, controlling and insane. you MUST get away, as quickly but as SAFELY as possible. knives to the throat, slashed tires, threats of rape - inexcusable for any reason. we get as far away from those behaviors and the people with those behaviors as we can. ALWAYS.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
has tried to kill himself
calls me all the names under the sun
tells me im fat
im crap in bed
hes got loads of other girls after him
I was raped a few years ago and he uses it against me saying i enjoyed it, i derserved it and tries to make me relive a horrible time of my life
he also threatens that he will rape me himself
Christmas day i had a knife against my throat and he has grabbed me a few times although he hasnt been physical for a while.
He also threatens to kill and hurt my family.
calls me all the names under the sun
tells me im fat
im crap in bed
hes got loads of other girls after him
I was raped a few years ago and he uses it against me saying i enjoyed it, i derserved it and tries to make me relive a horrible time of my life
he also threatens that he will rape me himself
Christmas day i had a knife against my throat and he has grabbed me a few times although he hasnt been physical for a while.
He also threatens to kill and hurt my family.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: San Mateo, Ca
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by Skydreamer73 
all I can say is RUN!!!!
He may never change, but he surely will not if you keep coming back, why would he??? The signs are all there, it is not safe, he is not who you think he is. A friend of mine says this "you know that sh!t that almost never happens, well it seems it happens all the time" it never rang truer to me then when I was standing in a police station while my AW gave what few details she knew about another friends murder...no joke... We never think it is going to happen to us, but it does, all the time... Many hugs, and wishes to you love!
He may never change, but he surely will not if you keep coming back, why would he??? The signs are all there, it is not safe, he is not who you think he is. A friend of mine says this "you know that sh!t that almost never happens, well it seems it happens all the time" it never rang truer to me then when I was standing in a police station while my AW gave what few details she knew about another friends murder...no joke... We never think it is going to happen to us, but it does, all the time... Many hugs, and wishes to you love!
Bad behavior is one thing, violence is another and for your own safety and sanity you need to get as far away as possible as fast as possible.
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