Pacificbrz

It's been over 2 months since I've spoken to my xabf. Good for him he decided to get treatment and went to a program out of state. It's really good for me as well because it's given me time to step back as well and take a look at things. Tough part he always was a good friend and listened, held my hand and was the person I confided in. See my dad really the only family I have outside of my
kid has terminal cancer. I am his sole caregiver. He told me tonight he's just tired of fighting it. I understand it makes me sad but it's been a long battle with cancer and it takes so much out of you. His been so brave and I will support him no matter what. Tough part for me is when that happened I turned and wanted to pick up the phone to call my xabf but I just can't do that anymore. He has to focus on his recovery and I have to move on. Some days are just harder than others. Really not a lot to say I guess I just miss him. Hope that doesn't make me sound weak. He really was a good friend to me very kind but of course acohol got in the way. Don't know what to do I just need to get it out and it's much better than texting or even tempting to reach out to him. I've found all those thoughts that pop in my head are much better put on paper somewhere than every sending them to my x. I just have to take some time to let everything with my dad sink in.

Seren

Oh, dear....PacificBrz, I'm so very sorry to hear about your Dad. I'm sorry he's been ill. I'm sorry he has struggled with this for so long.

Please don't hesitate to come here anytime and let it all out!

Sending you many gentle hugs and extra hugs and prayers for your Dad

neferkamichael

Pacificbrz, I am so sorry that you are going through this. My mother died of cancer and it was the saddest thing that has ever happened to me. Yes you want to reach out to someone you care about in a time like this, and it's terrible that the one you want isn't there anymore. God bless you Pacifibrz.

A prayer for your father.

O Isis, heed my call this night,
If it is time for my spirit to flee this shell, then send those who will
guide me to your light!
Grant me rest O Beloved Mother, for Your child is wracked with pain.
If my time has yet to come, help me Great One to heal from within.
O Isis, heed my call this night!

Impurrfect

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sorry you can't reach out to him, but are there others you can reach out to?

I say this as I've been there, in a different way. My bf was a "functioning alcoholic", I was an only child until my mother died. Dad got with a woman (now my stepmom) who had 4 kids.

I was SOOO excited to have step-siblings. Youngest one, who I was closest to, was in an accident and died. I reached out to the then-bf, and he blew me off. He did the same when my mom died (who he adored)..said it hurt him too bad.

What I learned is that I had to find others who could support me. Yes, his recovery is important (I'm a recovering addict and have loved ones who are still using/drinking...including my stepmom) but focus on what YOU need, sweetie.

I'm thinking you need someone to hug, to tell you "you'll be okay, I'm so sorry" and let you cry, get angry, or whatever. The RA can't do that in early recovery, usually.

Dealing with an A (addict/alcoholic) changes things. What I've found, as a recovering codependent, is find those who will be there for you...no matter what. The ones I've found are family and friends that don't have addiction issues.

You have enough on your plate...take care of YOU, sweetie.

Again, I'm so sorry about your dad.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Tuffgirl

Weak? No way. It makes you sound human. You miss him. I get that. It's been a year since my divorce and I still have moments where I miss him, even though I know it was the best decision to make.

So sorry about your Dad. I can't imagine losing a parent, so you have my prayers tonight.
~T

nbay2013

Hi Pacificbrz....ditto on what everyone else said. I wanted to add that it's not weak to miss your ex. It is normal to want intimacy when you are deeply sad and he was your partner. So you are the opposite of weak. You went on this forum and shared with us instead of him and that is strong and healthy self care.

Argnotthisagain

Yes, what everyone else said. Excellent advice..... this is a really great place, everyone is really supportive, and coming from their own experiences too. Very very wise group here, so you are definitely in the right place.

I'll just say tha one thing is, you're not alone. Seems everyone here has survived a lot of adversity and come out whole again.....

I always find that encouraging to think about. That if I keep doing the healthiest things I can do, working on growth in recovery, I will get through it and challenge my weak spots; so I am encouraged to keep pushing. For me, that helps.

It just IS real hard sometimes.....yep. just gotta feel your feelings...and get through: and you can!!!

Hugs of support!!!!

HANG IN! You can come talk here anytime.....this place is a great support!!

lillamy

That does sound really hard. Going through that alone. On the other hand, it lets you focus on your dad, and on your relationship.

When you can't talk to anyone -- you can always come here. Or, if that helps, WRITE. Write letters to someone (real or imagined) who understands. You can imagine the perfect person who would listen to you and tell you exactly what you needed to hear. And you can tell them anything.

Lots of prayers for you and your dad tonight.

Pacificbrz

Thank you guys I needed the support. I feel a bit out of sorts and still trying to process everything. I should of done better at following my ex advice... He always told me to take better care of me. It's kind of funny if I think about it it worried him I didn't take care better care of myself because I was focused on my dad and my son so much. I think some days it's hard to find a perfect balance to everything and I guess we go with what we got.

I guess today I just feel alone. I really have to do a better job of taking care of me. We moved away from our home back to where my dad lived. I left most of my friends. My mom left when I was a kid and it's really one of the reasons I'm so close to my dad. I guess you could say we raised each other. He's really a sweet kind man. I think the hard part for me without realizing it over the past 7 or 8 years taking care of him, my son and working. I forgot about me and developing healthy relationships to give me a network of support. I guess it's all back to what my ex said. Learn how to take care of you. In my case the better I take care of me the better I can take care of my dad and son. I especially worry abt my son it's hard to understand death as an adult but I have to be strong for all of us.

Thanks again for listening and the hugs. Honestly there is probably not a time in my life more than this moment right now that I could use a hug.

LexieCat

********{Pacificbrz}}}}}

We're here to support you. Taking care of ourselves is REALLY important--we can't hope to give to others if we are depleted, ourselves.

Argnotthisagain

Hug your son.

I don't have kids but it seems to me that would be healing, for both of you. Being strong doesn't mean you have to completely hide your needs.

(((((((((You)))))))))

nbay2013

Consider yourself hugged and loved by a fellow member of this group. Post all day on the forum if it helps or even if it doesn't, because it helps other people.