Madtown

Hi all,
I'm curious to tap into the experience here. I have a brother who I'm close to that has been struggling for awhile with depression/anxiety, and self medication through alcohol. However, I think he may be dabbling in other self rememdies, harder drugs, and I'd like to just describe what I see and ask if anyone recognizes symptoms as indicative of anything in particular. I'm looking to educate myself, so I can be in the best position to help in whatever way he allows me.

I know it's primarily alcohol. He'll hide the empties in different areas that he occupies in the house(currently living with our parents). His demeanor is generally down and subdued. When he's good, he's clear-headed and thoughtful. When he's bad, he's somewhat disconnected, down and obviously depressed. I do recognize alcohol symptoms a lot, slurred speech, instability, some irritability. His hygiene isn't good, hasn't been for awhile. He hasn't worked in awhile either. We've talked about drug use, and he has said he has used experimentally in the past, but not recently. He has no money, but I know has a "friend" in a similar predicament who is on disability and getting money. I know my brother gets alcohol from this friend, we've talked about it and he admits it. I'm wondering if he's getting something harder from this friend.

I'm just curious what signs to look for out of harder drug usage? He doesn't have any ups, to go along with his downs. He's either stable or depressed. He says he typically doesn't sleep well, or for any good length of time. We've always attributed this to his anxiety, our mother is similar. At the same time, he really doesn't display nervous energy, just disrupted and non-contiguous sleep patterns.

I know I'm probably leaving some details out, but don't want to write too much and turn anyone off from reading! I'm worried. I know there isn't a ton I can do, that I'm not already doing. We are close, talk frequently and talk about his issues. I know I'm at least someone he can depend on, and confide in(he knows it too, has said so many times). But if there's anything more I can do, I'm sure willing to learn and take whatever action I can. Thanks for reading!

LexieCat

I doubt you can diagnose anybody that way. Nothing you've written is inconsistent with alcohol alone, but they are also consistent with using other drugs.

I wouldn't worry about what other drugs he might be using. Alcohol is plenty bad on its own, and even if he messes around with other stuff it looks like alcohol is definitely on top of the heap.

It wouldn't make any difference in terms of what YOU do. I suggest you read the stickies up top, read around the forum, and maybe get yourself to Al-Anon.

lillamy

I don't know how to identify different kinds of addictive substances. It sounds like you're pretty clear that your brother has both addiction issues and mental health issues.

What I do know about that is that alcohol is a depressant. Self-medicating with alcohol while you're depressed is about as helpful as trying to put out a fire with gasoline.

It also sounds like he has a family that loves him and is doing what they can to support him. Which in this case means he doesn't have to suffer the full effects of his alcohol abuse. He's got a place to live. I bet your parents feed him. He's got his basic needs covered, and he gets booze from his friend. That's a pretty cushy setup for an alcoholic. He doesn't need to take any responsibility whatsoever for anything.

What your brother is using is maybe less important than for you and your parents to realize that until he feels the effects of his addiction, he won't be motivated to change.

In your shoes, I'd learn everything I can about addictions, addicts, and addictive behaviors. And most of all, learn what it does to the addicts' families. It sounds like you are not viewing your brother as an adult who is capable of making his own decisions. There is such a thing as caring too much and robbing people of the opportunity to learn from their own choices.

I tried for the better part of 20 years to help my husband to stop drinking. You name it, I tried it. Today, he has lost everything. Gone from six figure income and respect in the community to being a hair away from begging in the streets and sleeping under bridges.

Today, I'm fighting guilt over all those years when I enabled his drinking, by working two jobs when he lost his job; by making sure nobody knew he was drinking; by making excuses to bosses and family and friends... I treated him as a child, and protected him from the consequences of his actions. I wonder if he would be where he is today if I had left him to his own devices back when his brain still had a modicum of function.

We do what we can to help. But sometimes, the best way to help is refusing to help them continue comfortably drinking.

MrsDarcy

Lexie is right--it shouldn't make any difference. Alcohol is a hard drug in large amounts. It is by far the single most abused substance in human history and responsible for more addiction, early death and misery than all the others combined.

I know you want to help your brother and that watching someone you love imploding is horrible, but you can't save him from himself. Having more knowledge of what he is using won't change that. I know that's a terrible thing to live with, but it's the truth.

Skydreamer73

Totally agree with Amy, my 55 year old uncle has been just about every A in the book, but one thing that does not change is my grandmother (his mom obviously)always lets him back in, he is either living with some girl or when he messes that up back with my grandparents and they even say they have to lock their bed room door at night, for years the other 6 kids and even extended family have said "stop letting him in, your hurting him and yourself" but she keeps letting him come back, and now that my grandparents are in their mid 80" he runs their small family biz, and runs it into the ground! I once hired them to put a roof on a project I was doing thinking I was helping, he asked me to fax their time cards into mom, I said ok, when I was putting them in I noticed there was an extra one with a name I didn't recognize on it for 18 hours, I faxed it then later asked my uncle who that was and he danced around until he finally said he was short money....really??? Your billed your mother for a guy who didn't exist?? I told her, and informed her I couldn't have them do anymore work because he was always late, left early and was usually drunk and now billing my grandmother for false money for man who didn't exist....this was 16 years ago.... and nothing has changed in his life because he always has a couch to crash on....

Now when my AW went back to drinking and occasionally opiates I told her I will not pay for it, if we are out to eat you need to get a cash ticket, and that is what we did, if around people I would simply say "excuse me miss can you put the alcohol on a separate bill, I am using a company card for the meals" this way she had to pay for it, and I stopped loaning money to her, within 2 months she was done, broke, and saw she needed help, she signed up for rehab and the deal her and I (and her parents too) were we will help if you work your program, you stop, we stop, and that is what we are doing, the week before she went in we either ate at home or if she worked I gave her a $5.00 gift card for the day, I couldn't afford to give more, and she will tell you now she didn't deserve more, in fact she says she is lucky we did that....

I wouldn't worry about the other drugs, what could you do if he is using something else anyway? I would focus on him getting help in general, I know in my AW's case alcohol is what lead her to the occasional opiates anyway so if you treat one you will probably be treating it all. I would focus more on learning how not to enable him, but that sounds like it might be tough if your parents don't see it... As always just my 2 cents and I wish you the best on your journey through this!!!!!

Madtown

Hey all, thank you for the responses. When I said I didn't want to write that much, I knew I'd be leaving out some pertinent info! I not completely new to all this, have read on this site before, and have been to Al-anon, and have done much reading, and have seen several professionals, in the effort to educate myself and my family, and to put myself in the best position to help, if it's requested.

Love the line about self medicating being equal to "putting out a fire with gas". I'm going to use that! We realize that he needs to feel the consequences of his choices. Our family has learned a lot about how to not enable, and have taken steps to improve this. He does still have a place to live. My parents are still uncomfortable forcing him to leave(how do you do that anyway?) because of the emotional component. They don't want to feel responsible if his depression would worsen as a result, and he'd harm himself(he has not threatened this). I know, this is a form of indirect enabling. I understand that to enable, is to deprive the person of the chance to grow. If it were up to me, he'd probably be gone. But, as a parent, tough call.

Again, I approach this from the desire to educate myself. I'm not under the illusion that anything I do will necessarily help him. On the other hand, his issue primarily being depression, I know he has very low self-esteem and doesn't value himself. From my reading and discussions, I've gathered that the one thing we really can do for someone in this predicament, is to provide compassion, love, and support for change. Maintain healthy contact. If I go no-contact with him, like so many do, I risk reinforcing his misguided notion that he's not a valuable person. Therefore, I treat him like a valuable person, because he is that to me. I will continue to try and learn effective ways to interact with him, and most imporantly effective ways to deal with how this impacts me, and the rest of our family.

Thanks for reading and responding!

Taking5

Don't sell alcohol short, it is one of the hardest drugs to get off of and the single most dangerous drug there is for detoxing. Opiates, for example, while they have a tough detox, almost never kill you. Alcohol detox can kill you.

Skydreamer73

One of the best things I was ever told was " You can have a million things wrong with you, but until your treat the alcohol first, you can not treat anything else" this was said by a 20 year alcoholic with 20 plus years clean, so while I understand your point about the anxiety (actually dealt with my own for 3 years) I do not believe he has much of a chance to deal with the anxiety and self esteem until he surrenders the addiction, alcohol alone is a depressant and if I were him I would be depressed I had to live back at home, so I see a bad cycle emerging from my point of view....

But you would know your situation better than I, and I won't pretend to know it all because I sure don't, all I am saying is I have never seen anyone improve anything else in their life and still keep drinking so I would treat the alcohol first love....

Madtown

Couldn't agree more, I think you're right! I have told him this, hope at some point he breaks through the denial and acknowledges that it is holding him back, and likely making the depression worse. I hate alcohol.

Florence

^^^ This.

This sounds like my STBXAH's set-up. Parents to feed and clothe him and provide him shelter. No job, no prospects. He has to maintain the bare minimum of time and energy on this relationship and they eat it up and keep providing his basic needs for him. Meanwhile they go along like everything is okay, and he's holed up in their basement using.

As his sister, you're really not an appropriate confidante for everything he's going though. An appropriate confidante would be a counselor or a sponsor.

In my experience, your absence in his life would be a far better influence on him than your presence, especially with the message that you will no longer maintain a relationship with a brother who lies to his family, uses his parents, and wants to kill himself with drugs and alcohol. I wish my AH's family would say, "Son, we love you, and we are here for you in recovery, but not without it," and showed him the door.

That's where codependency ends and accountability, in the most loving way possible, begins.