Is this a sign of an alcoholic? Help!?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Sweett,
I really would like to leave this thread open, because so many of our members here, and newcomers to the forum, have gone through a night very similar to the one you experienced with this man you found attractive. We have either assumed we should 'make nice' and 'not make waves' or that perhaps 'we were overreacting' to even question that what happened was NOT normal or healthy.
When in fact, we have come to learn that what we endured would not have been tolerated by a normal, well-adjusted, healthy adult.
I think what folks are trying to say is, we get it, we have been there, we have questioned ourselves and our own sanity and told ourselves that somehow it was our fault or that we shouldn't be so picky.
I don't think anyone deserves to go through the sort of night you experienced with this man. I hope that you will never have to endure something like that ever again.
You are not a 'bad' person, and the alcoholic is not a 'great' person. No one has said that of you or to you here. You are a person who is worthy of dignity and respect, and it does not sound as though you received that from this man. I hope that your next date with a man will go much better! That it will be filled with fun and laughter and mutual respect.
Wishing you every happiness.
HG
I really would like to leave this thread open, because so many of our members here, and newcomers to the forum, have gone through a night very similar to the one you experienced with this man you found attractive. We have either assumed we should 'make nice' and 'not make waves' or that perhaps 'we were overreacting' to even question that what happened was NOT normal or healthy.
When in fact, we have come to learn that what we endured would not have been tolerated by a normal, well-adjusted, healthy adult.
I think what folks are trying to say is, we get it, we have been there, we have questioned ourselves and our own sanity and told ourselves that somehow it was our fault or that we shouldn't be so picky.
I don't think anyone deserves to go through the sort of night you experienced with this man. I hope that you will never have to endure something like that ever again.
You are not a 'bad' person, and the alcoholic is not a 'great' person. No one has said that of you or to you here. You are a person who is worthy of dignity and respect, and it does not sound as though you received that from this man. I hope that your next date with a man will go much better! That it will be filled with fun and laughter and mutual respect.
Wishing you every happiness.
HG
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 91
Sweett -
Not sure if you're still around these parts, but I did want to reply to you.
I understand that you're hurt. You liked someone and it didn't work out - I know that can sting, even if that someone is kind of an a$$hat. We've all liked and loved enough a$$hats in our lives for us to know that that doesn't necessarily make hurt feelings hurt less. Nonetheless, you are worth much much more than someone who would do what this guy did to you. No one is saying that he's a great person. In fact, it seems like most people are saying just the opposite - whether or not he would be a great person if he were sober is moot right now, because in the throes of his drinking, he's an a$$hat. He might be a good-looking one (the most dangerous kind!) but still. I don't think anyone has said, directly or indirectly, that you're a bad person. Everyone is just trying to encourage you to not become involved with an active alcoholic.
I also understand why you're becoming defensive. People on these boards speak frankly and honestly, and that's why I love it here. With that in mind, though, sometimes the things people say can be hard to swallow. Every once in a while, when someone replies to one of my posts, I get pissed off or upset at what they say. It's almost always because what they've said is absolutely one hundred percent true and I just don't want to accept it yet. Some of the things that have bothered me the most are the things that have stuck with me and helped me grow. No one is posting here because they want to hurt you. I know what's said isn't always easy to process or accept - but those are the things that are going to help you grow as a person.
Take it from a person in her late 20s (I'm making a wild assumption that you're young-ish too, but that could be way off) who has lived with an active, dishonest, out-of-control alcoholic (who is now in early recovery which is a whole other can of worms) - this is not something you want to sign up for. It only gets scarier from here.
Not sure if you're still around these parts, but I did want to reply to you.
I understand that you're hurt. You liked someone and it didn't work out - I know that can sting, even if that someone is kind of an a$$hat. We've all liked and loved enough a$$hats in our lives for us to know that that doesn't necessarily make hurt feelings hurt less. Nonetheless, you are worth much much more than someone who would do what this guy did to you. No one is saying that he's a great person. In fact, it seems like most people are saying just the opposite - whether or not he would be a great person if he were sober is moot right now, because in the throes of his drinking, he's an a$$hat. He might be a good-looking one (the most dangerous kind!) but still. I don't think anyone has said, directly or indirectly, that you're a bad person. Everyone is just trying to encourage you to not become involved with an active alcoholic.
I also understand why you're becoming defensive. People on these boards speak frankly and honestly, and that's why I love it here. With that in mind, though, sometimes the things people say can be hard to swallow. Every once in a while, when someone replies to one of my posts, I get pissed off or upset at what they say. It's almost always because what they've said is absolutely one hundred percent true and I just don't want to accept it yet. Some of the things that have bothered me the most are the things that have stuck with me and helped me grow. No one is posting here because they want to hurt you. I know what's said isn't always easy to process or accept - but those are the things that are going to help you grow as a person.
Take it from a person in her late 20s (I'm making a wild assumption that you're young-ish too, but that could be way off) who has lived with an active, dishonest, out-of-control alcoholic (who is now in early recovery which is a whole other can of worms) - this is not something you want to sign up for. It only gets scarier from here.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Hi,
There is a saying "Feelings are feelings but facts are facts.
Meaning sometimes our feelings cloud the facts.
I read through all the replies and nowhere did I see that anyone had put you down.
We have all answered your post by sharing our experience, strength and hope.
How we grow and gain our self-esteem is by in fact dealing with our issues.
And I believe also that everyone is encouraging you to find the best for yourself.
There is a saying "Feelings are feelings but facts are facts.
Meaning sometimes our feelings cloud the facts.
I read through all the replies and nowhere did I see that anyone had put you down.
We have all answered your post by sharing our experience, strength and hope.
How we grow and gain our self-esteem is by in fact dealing with our issues.
And I believe also that everyone is encouraging you to find the best for yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
You sound extremely young.
Again, no one attacked you at all.
Believe me, no one here ever wants to say "I told you so."
I really hope you can eventually come to understand what everyone was saying without having to get hurt first. That's all anyone here wanted to do for you.
Peace.
Again, no one attacked you at all.
Believe me, no one here ever wants to say "I told you so."
I really hope you can eventually come to understand what everyone was saying without having to get hurt first. That's all anyone here wanted to do for you.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by OnawaMiniya 
You sound extremely young.
Again, no one attacked you at all.
Believe me, no one here ever wants to say "I told you so."
I really hope you can eventually come to understand what everyone was saying without having to get hurt first. That's all anyone here wanted to do for you.
Peace.
Again, no one attacked you at all.
Believe me, no one here ever wants to say "I told you so."
I really hope you can eventually come to understand what everyone was saying without having to get hurt first. That's all anyone here wanted to do for you.
Peace.
Best wishes to you, honey. I know you are in pain.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
It's like we're all gathered around the Christmas Tree and the gifts are galore... Someone hands this beautiful, sparkly, gift wrapped box all dazzling to another, and they open it, only to find a smartass gift wrapped a piece of ****.
That's what a gorgeous man/woman is with an addiction. I have one of my own at home sucking air right now.
That's what a gorgeous man/woman is with an addiction. I have one of my own at home sucking air right now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 195
Okay, I’m going to take a stab at acknowledging Sweet getting upset because I don’t believe it is accurate to say no one is judging Sweet, though I don’t doubt that no one is *intending* to judge Sweet. Here goes: comments like “work on yourself”, “try to get your head right”, “obsessing about why he blocked your number”, “if you prefer to just have people feel sorry for you”, and “examine why YOU are reacting the way you are to this incident” are a few I pulled out to make the point that I can appreciate Sweet’s defensiveness since she may have a very different perspective than you do. I also read many excellent points by everyone despite comments that upset Sweet, and I appreciate the gentle tone and rephrasing that has been done.
However, I believe a tendency on this forum is to sometimes state thoughts so matter of fact (myself included) that they don’t account for individuality. I/we can be too black and white where reality has many grey areas. I believe it is only fair to Sweet to acknowledge the grey. Seems reasonable to say Sweet IS working on herself, DOES have her head right, is NOT obsessing, though I get that those are POSSIBILITIES. Have to admit the “try to get your head right” in any situation is probably better left unsaid.
I’ll go one step further and respond to “why anyone would even CARE that someone like this wouldn’t contact them.” Could it be that her previous life experiences have been such that it behooves her mind to imagine what HIS problem is in treating her like she is not good enough for him? True, we don’t want to neglect that he IS NOT good enough for HER (etc., etc.). Also, to answer “examine why YOU are reacting the way you are” in Sweet’s mind could be taken like there is something wrong with trying to understand HIS problem (once again) though I believe I get your meaning (truly). Initially, this very thing was my biggest beef until I came to understand alcoholism better and came to understand all of the passion, love, and caring that each of you strive to give everyone here. My 2 cents to take it for what it’s worth, and leave the rest.
I appreciate your honesty Sweet in stating you feel like crap by some comments, I do think being honest holds the key to the reason you came here in the first place and I applaud your boldness.
I appreciate every one of you that posted, and hopefully I don’t come off as self righteous.
However, I believe a tendency on this forum is to sometimes state thoughts so matter of fact (myself included) that they don’t account for individuality. I/we can be too black and white where reality has many grey areas. I believe it is only fair to Sweet to acknowledge the grey. Seems reasonable to say Sweet IS working on herself, DOES have her head right, is NOT obsessing, though I get that those are POSSIBILITIES. Have to admit the “try to get your head right” in any situation is probably better left unsaid.
I’ll go one step further and respond to “why anyone would even CARE that someone like this wouldn’t contact them.” Could it be that her previous life experiences have been such that it behooves her mind to imagine what HIS problem is in treating her like she is not good enough for him? True, we don’t want to neglect that he IS NOT good enough for HER (etc., etc.). Also, to answer “examine why YOU are reacting the way you are” in Sweet’s mind could be taken like there is something wrong with trying to understand HIS problem (once again) though I believe I get your meaning (truly). Initially, this very thing was my biggest beef until I came to understand alcoholism better and came to understand all of the passion, love, and caring that each of you strive to give everyone here. My 2 cents to take it for what it’s worth, and leave the rest.
I appreciate your honesty Sweet in stating you feel like crap by some comments, I do think being honest holds the key to the reason you came here in the first place and I applaud your boldness.
I appreciate every one of you that posted, and hopefully I don’t come off as self righteous.
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