whining (or not?) part 2
 

my mind is working on accepting/planning moving out of the apt - and of course THEN i think "well, but what if he DOES come back in a week?!" - - - well - even if he came back right this second, i doubt he's coming back with rent money and a job - by not working on accepting that i AM going to go live in my son's basesment, i think i'm just in denial - and if THAT thought doesn't help, i think it'll be good for him to know HE lost us our home! is that bad or good?? maybe a bit of both -

i don't understand - i've cried for a total of maybe 15 seconds - i smile, i laugh, i'm functioning - no one realizes that it hurts all the time or how MUCH, i'm scared all the time, i'm sad beyond words all the time - NOT that i'm expecting people to read my mind! i'm not - but even when i tell them - - - i don't know - they're surprised and when i say i'm scared + sad, they pat me on the back (sincerely!) and tell me what a great job of coping i'm doing -
ok - but if i'm doing such a great frigging job, then WHY do i feel so scared, sad, hurt?? if i *hurt* so much, what don't i CRY??

i've always thought it SUCKED that "Doing the right thing" doesn't mean you'll feel any better - worse yet, "Doing the right thing" usually guarantees that i'm gonna feel waaaaaaaaaaaay worse - at least for a while - doesn't seem very fair!!! (yeah yeah yeah i know - "Life is Not Fair") - well doesn't THAT just make you want to stamp your feet and throw things -

i think i'm afraid that i'm just 'stuffing' all these emotions and that if/when they come out, i will totally lose it -
i don't think i'm stuffing - - - but if i was, i prob'ly wouldn't let myself know anyway - but "losing it" scares me ALOT - (diagnosed as bipolar 25 yrs ago) -

all day i think/wish/hope/pray "please come home NOW" - it's this very quiet, sad, scared, little voice and it's way down deep, but it is CONSTANTLY there - that little voice doesn't know how she (ME) is ever ging to be "ok" if my hunny doesn't come home + hold me + tell me __________ everything - - -

he is (was??) my Soul-mate - i never believd in things like that until we met - he is (was??) my PARTNER -
i feel like i have been torn in half - and i have no idea where my other-half is -



Blue

Bluemoon,
You're grieving the loss of the relationship. And while it hurts like hell, it's actually a healthy process to go through. Unless you grieve it and work through your feelings, there's no going onto the next step.
And you're talking about how you feel here, so you're not stuffing as much as you think you are.
Believe me when I tell you that you are going to get beyond this. It just doesn't feel that way right now.
Vent when you need to. Getting it out is better than keeping it in.
Hugs,
Gabe

Bluemoon,

I don't think you are stuffing it. Do you really need to move? Your disability will arrive at some point.

Yes doing the next right thing isn't always the feel good thing but it is the thing that releases us into a different place once it's done.

Ngaire

Ngaire -
(heavy sigh) - i really don't want to but yeah, i really need to move - :(
still don't know when the appeal hearing is - it could be another 6 months (or heaven forbid! longer) - and there is a small chance they'll deny me - my landlord is Not gonna want to let me stay under those conditions - "well, i'll probably be able to pay you in ummmmm - december ok?" (small giggle)

and Gabe - (You're grieving the loss of the relationship. ...)
thank you for that! it hadn't occured to me + it just helped things make a bit of sense -


Thank you both for reinforcing that "Doing the Next Right Thing" IS worth it even tho it hurts and it's hard - - - i guess there's only so many times i can remind myself of that before i need to 'hear' someone else say it - ?
i'm just struggling more today than i've had to - it's scary - and just plain annoying -

Blue

BlueMoon,

This too shall pass and to thine ownself be true.

Are you getting to any A.A meetings?

Ngaire