Very much confused.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3
Very much confused.
So my DH has been activly going to AA meetings 3-4 times a week. I thought hey this is great. Now he has started a new chapter here in town so that they have two a week here in our town instead of just one. Also I thought ok this could be good for him. The problem..... He is still drinking. I dont undterstand how he can be so active in AA and still be drinking. I know I could not tell theses people for months on end that big of a lie. He claims that he is just using AA as a means to slow down. I am of the mind that if he actually wants to get better he needs to follow the program. Everyone comes up and tells me what a great help he is to them all in meetings. We went to a family day here last weekend where they had a barbque and I felt sick the whole time sitting there and watching all of theses other families that have people that are actually trying. I told him after that I would not go to another day like that again and that I left pretending behind a long time ago. I dont know what else to do at this point. Any suguestions?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I don't want to be a downer here, but it looks like he is using AA so that he looks better to others, and perhaps even to himself. He is in denial.
And of course he is a great help to others. My dad used to fix washing machines, everyones worked except for ours. We had to go to a laundromat, but the neighbors loved him !!!!!!!!!!!!!
And of course he is a great help to others. My dad used to fix washing machines, everyones worked except for ours. We had to go to a laundromat, but the neighbors loved him !!!!!!!!!!!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, everybody in AA knows there are a few people who just pretend. They usually aren't that hard for another alcoholic to spot. He's really only hurting himself. It's a shame, but as it says in the Big Book, "There are such unfortunates. They seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping a manner of living that demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average."
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Unfortunately, you can't make him be honest with the AA group--there are some in the group who probably already realize he is not being completely honest.
If it were me, I simply would not participate in any other AA family functions--I just couldn't. And, if any of his fellow AA members directly asked me, I would tell them the truth--but I would not reach out and contact them just to rat him out.
I am sorry, I understand how something like this can just get under your skin!
If it were me, I simply would not participate in any other AA family functions--I just couldn't. And, if any of his fellow AA members directly asked me, I would tell them the truth--but I would not reach out and contact them just to rat him out.
I am sorry, I understand how something like this can just get under your skin!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Hopefully it is the early fake-it-until-you-make-it stuff?
Dunno that works, but that conflict has got to building inside him.
Unless he is some sort DID (disassociative identity disorder) the $10 word for multipersona.
I run across that with AA folks, who come over to the Alanon side of our group. Starting to look like Mrs. Hammer has some DID features since rehab. They ask me about (totally made up things) -- like me losing my job . . . ummm, no, I have two and am backlogged for other work. Like us not paying the rent, and losing our house. Ummm, no. There is money in the bank and piling up. On and on. It has all just about become comical.
Maybe look at it this way -- now there are two meetings in town. Likely doing someone good even if it is not him or you, yet.
Dunno that works, but that conflict has got to building inside him.
Unless he is some sort DID (disassociative identity disorder) the $10 word for multipersona.
I run across that with AA folks, who come over to the Alanon side of our group. Starting to look like Mrs. Hammer has some DID features since rehab. They ask me about (totally made up things) -- like me losing my job . . . ummm, no, I have two and am backlogged for other work. Like us not paying the rent, and losing our house. Ummm, no. There is money in the bank and piling up. On and on. It has all just about become comical.
Maybe look at it this way -- now there are two meetings in town. Likely doing someone good even if it is not him or you, yet.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
In the hallway walking past AA rooms on my way to alanon I have smelled very strong liquor passing their doorways on several occasions. My first reaction was wouldn't they get kicked out? Then I thought for a second and remembered--the rule of AA is anyone that wants to quit drinking for attendance, not that they have succeeded.
So he's doing this one thought at a time. Changing his thinking. Otherwise, it would be absolutely insufferable to attend those meetings if he thought they were a game to play, I would think!
You know, it's how we all change. One thought at a time. Rewiring takes time. Being active in the community is a constant reminder to him that he is out of control with his alcohol use.
What will the lasting effect be? There's no way to know. He could decide AA is a bunch of bunk. He could decide to stop entirely. He could ramp up his drinking. He could find some gray area that he could still drink, but a lot less, possibly on his way to deciding he doesn't want to go down that path anymore. Some people are able to do it. Some give up drinking over years, not all at once.
What he's doing sure isn't perfect, but isn't attendance a step in the right direction?
So where does that leave you? Not in a really changed world. But I think for us too, change happens one thought at a time. One sane decision, act, thought, at a time.
As long as you both are working toward more sanity, more respect in the relationship, more fairness, and all the other things you can do, then that is progress.
For me, I have had to do just that. And it does work for us, for me, because I am getting stronger regardless of what decisions he makes. There is no huge final transition in my relationship so far. There were a few epiphanies, but no severe change of how either of us live. For us, change is happening by repairing damage, sticking up for ourselves, and learning how to treat each other better.
So even if he is still drinking, there are things you can do to improve your life, and your relationship with him. Think about what those things are. For me, it has been recognizing what bothers me. I had a very ineffective habit of shoving uncomfortable things under the rug in my head! That was the worst mistake I made.The best thing I have done for myself was to recognize a problem when it happened instead of shoving it under that rug and then being more confused as a result.
Because severe change works both ways. If he doesn't quit completely and immediately you can do the ultimatum, which is to quit him completely and immediately. But it's difficult for anyone to do extreme changes. So the only other option if you don't, is to work on improving things by recognizing them. There's the real trick. Individual counseling can help with the murky parts.
That's my view at this time. Others will naturally differ according to their experiences.
I fully agree with that you can decide NOT to attend these functions. You don't have to be a part of how he is choosing to play this out on his part. Your part is just that, yours, and yours to decide what to do.
So he's doing this one thought at a time. Changing his thinking. Otherwise, it would be absolutely insufferable to attend those meetings if he thought they were a game to play, I would think!
You know, it's how we all change. One thought at a time. Rewiring takes time. Being active in the community is a constant reminder to him that he is out of control with his alcohol use.
What will the lasting effect be? There's no way to know. He could decide AA is a bunch of bunk. He could decide to stop entirely. He could ramp up his drinking. He could find some gray area that he could still drink, but a lot less, possibly on his way to deciding he doesn't want to go down that path anymore. Some people are able to do it. Some give up drinking over years, not all at once.
What he's doing sure isn't perfect, but isn't attendance a step in the right direction?
So where does that leave you? Not in a really changed world. But I think for us too, change happens one thought at a time. One sane decision, act, thought, at a time.
As long as you both are working toward more sanity, more respect in the relationship, more fairness, and all the other things you can do, then that is progress.
For me, I have had to do just that. And it does work for us, for me, because I am getting stronger regardless of what decisions he makes. There is no huge final transition in my relationship so far. There were a few epiphanies, but no severe change of how either of us live. For us, change is happening by repairing damage, sticking up for ourselves, and learning how to treat each other better.
So even if he is still drinking, there are things you can do to improve your life, and your relationship with him. Think about what those things are. For me, it has been recognizing what bothers me. I had a very ineffective habit of shoving uncomfortable things under the rug in my head! That was the worst mistake I made.The best thing I have done for myself was to recognize a problem when it happened instead of shoving it under that rug and then being more confused as a result.
Because severe change works both ways. If he doesn't quit completely and immediately you can do the ultimatum, which is to quit him completely and immediately. But it's difficult for anyone to do extreme changes. So the only other option if you don't, is to work on improving things by recognizing them. There's the real trick. Individual counseling can help with the murky parts.
That's my view at this time. Others will naturally differ according to their experiences.
I fully agree with that you can decide NOT to attend these functions. You don't have to be a part of how he is choosing to play this out on his part. Your part is just that, yours, and yours to decide what to do.
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