shortayp18

Hi everyone, i came on this board 7 months ago about my ex alcoholic fiance....we have been broken up for 7 months now, and we've had our battles between. Ive recently started dating someone and everything is good. Well my ex has been texting me for 3 months now and i havnet responded. And my gma passed away and for some reason i thought i should tell him, and that opened up the door to talking. He kept telling me he missed me sooo much and that he messed up and everyhting is his fault and he's soo sorry. He said that sorry doesnt change anything but he knows its all his fault and he wants to help himself and he doesnt want to drink anymroe and he wants a better life. Which ive heard before...and im like okay what have you been doing for past 7 months? And he said he's been drinking trying to take the pain away, and now he realized he really lost me and he wants to change. And im torn b/c tahts good he wants to get sober, but he says he wants me in his life..as a friend at least. Well im dating someone now and that just makes things so complicated. I'm so confused. My friends are telling me to tell him no and that he needs to do this on his own without me, and that im gonna hurt the guy im dating....im just so lost. Any advice?

LoveMeNow

My advice is....listen to your friends.

trixie56

Wow, I could've written your post! I just recently went through a very similar thing with my XABF. When we were dating, he was on probation and sober, and dumped me because he thought he wanted to go back to "partying." Well, almost 5 months later he called me, apologized, said breaking up with me was the "biggest mistake" he ever made, and that he was changed. So, we started seeing each other again, even though I was cautious. This "changed" version of himself lasted about 2 weeks, then he started drinking, standing me up, picking arguments with me, etc.

I know it's hard to not give someone another chance, but I would just recommend being very cautious....My ex and I were together again for a month, and then he stood me up (again!) and vanished. No explanation, no call, nothing. So, I'd say go with your instincts, and if you do start up a friendship/relationship with him again, definitely keep your boundaries and stand up for yourself and how you want to be/deserve to be treated. My ex started turning things around on me, calling me "too serious" and not "living life," as an excuse/deflection for his addiction. I regret even giving him the chance to say those things to me.

Diva76

If you're dating someone new and it's going well, I'd give the new guy a fair chance....
As far as the ex, and the quacking about drinking his pain away tells me that he has done absolutely nothing to adress HIS issue...

My advice...Don't fall for it....
He knows your criteria already....
It would be one thing if he had been sober for a full year (no relapses) and he contacted you, but that's not the case...

Trust me, he knows why you can't be with him....
And if he hasn't already done so, he'll step up to some other unsuspecting girl...

Thank God that's not you!

lillamy

If he wanted to get sober in order to create a life with you, he would have done that in the last seven months.

Actions speak louder than words. Listen to his actions. And them tell him to go have a nice life.

DreamsofSerenity

I whole heartedly agree with everyone's wise advice!

His coming to you, apologizing, and quacking about how much he wants to get better, unfortunately mean absolutely nothing. I heard the same damn thing from my exabf a hundred times. And yep, he's STILL drinking.

You have moved on, keep moving. Your friends are right.

shortayp18

he keeps texting me saying he wants to be friends at least. he wants me in his life bc i was his best friend, so that if he needs someone to talk to i can be there. But its like you had your chance for me to be in your life while you got sober and you choose not to. But he keeps insisting that he needs me in his life and to not ignore him or dissapear again. I understand that his friends and dad are all drinkers but his mom and sister and brother in law arent, and i feel as though they can be his support system.

dandylion

shortay, the support system that he needs is AA and his sponsor. Family and friends cannot be his "therapists". His brain is still under the influence of alcoholism and the alcoholic voice is telling him lies. His reality is distorted---it is not the same as your reality.

Even when former partners o r spouses (non-alcoholic) do go on to be friends it is always after there has been a period of time when they have gone on in their individual lives. Going straight from romantic to friendship almost NEVER works out.

I would wish him well and not buy into his manipulation.

dandylion

LexieCat

Yes, they can. Not your responsibility.

If I were you I'd send a BRIEF reply saying you wish him the best, but further contact is NOT welcome. Then do what you need to do to block calls, texts, emails. If he is persistent after you make it clear you do not want to hear from him, I would consider getting a restraining order.

funkynassau

I say listen to your friends too. Sounds like your new fella is a good guy, so stick with him. If your ex is serious, then he should be working on cleaning up his life and getting sober. Just imagine if you left the new guy for the old guy and the old guy kept on the way he was. How PO'd with yourself would you be? I dont see any reason to go back to the old guy.

atalose

YOU are not his salvation please accept that. And what he is doing to you and what you are allowing is not “a healthy relationship in any means”.

He had you in his life………..he still drank.

He had you out of his life………he still drank.

This person has done squat towards recovery……….he doesn’t want it but you can’t see that because you seem blinded by the facts that he’s saying all these fantasy like things to you where it makes you feel wanted and needed.

Please end this un-healthy relationship before you ruin what you currently have going in your life……….block him from contacting you.

wiscsober

Best Advice!

I would also talk about it with the guy you are dating.

Skydreamer73

If he truly wants you in his life, he would get sober and show you, not the other way around, I would stay the current course, see what the new guy has to offer and let your ex focus on himself, best thing you could ever do for him is tell him, please do not contact me until you have completed a rehab and have 90 meetings under your belt! The worst part about addicts, and mental illness is they are ninja's at pulling at our hearts, but nothing will change until they choose to, you are not his answer, nor do you deserve to be part of his problem. Stay the course, and also make sure your past life is not affecting your current life, that isn't fair to the new guy or yourself!!

Tentindependent

That is what stands out for me as I'm reading your posts.

He misses you.

He wants a better life for him.

He needs a friend that he can lean on - when he chooses.

He needs.

I'm not seeing any acknowledgement of the effects of his alcoholism on you or any mention of your needs and what he is prepared to do for you.

shortayp18

now my ex is saying that he wants me in his life while he gets sober and to work on things between us, i keep telling him that he needs to focus on himself first and he keeps arguing with me saying he wants me to be in his life, not saying get back together right now but being in his life. i want to but im scared...what are ur opinions

funkynassau

I say go back and read all the responses you have gotten here already. He needs to get sober and stick with it and then maybe you can be friends. He's trying to manipulate you, so dont fall for it. I really think you should change your phone # and stop communicating with this fellow, he's bad news at the moment. If he really wants you in his life he'll straighten himself out first. He cant have it his way, it's not going to work. You could lose your new bf in the process if you keep on the way you are going with the ex.

atalose

If he were truely serious about getting sober then he'd be getting sober with or without you. He is manipulating you, guilting you into believing your (friendship) is his salvation and it is not!!!

He tells you he needs you in order to get sober, this is what keeps codies hooked into believing that they do have some kind of power in getting a loved one sober. WRONG!!

Go back and re-read all the previous responses you received here, nothing has changed since you first posted.....except you allowed him back into your life.

AlcoholicLove

(As to everything he is saying)

"How do you tell an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving"

Stay with the person you are dating, and save yourself a whole lot of hurt.....

LexieCat

"We'll see." My parents always said that to me when I DESPERATELY begged for something. It also meant the discussion was over, for right now.

He doesn't NEED any assurances from you to get sober and stay that way. If you get into the "if you'll do this, then I'll do that," or "If you'll just promise me this then I'll do that," you are just back into the same dance you were bowing out of.

And I still say yes, block all communication from him.

brownhorse

Please don't fall for it! We have all been there. It is hard to stand your ground and move on but like ata said, he has already shown you who he is. I have done the same thing but I was not lucky enough to be dating anyone else. I had to be strong and lonely. It took me 18 years.

Move on! If he does all these things, then you can be friends in two years. I promise you will not have any regrets if you stop talking to him and let him recover on his own. And if you do stay in contact with him, he has no reason to go out there and meet sponsors and other alcoholics that can help him get sober! Do you know how to help him do that?

I know it's hard! I have been there. It was the best decision for me and my kids.