xaf back in life?
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
He will need to work on himself not on the relationship between you.
I don't think he fully understands what sobriety is & the work it takes to remain sober.
I suggest telling him that it is not recommended to date in the first year of sobriety & that he needs to focus 100% on himself & his sobriety.
HIs actions will need to show you he is serious before even thinking about being back in his life.
I don't think he fully understands what sobriety is & the work it takes to remain sober.
I suggest telling him that it is not recommended to date in the first year of sobriety & that he needs to focus 100% on himself & his sobriety.
HIs actions will need to show you he is serious before even thinking about being back in his life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: north royalton
Posts: 60
he did get sober for a year 2 years ago and he did it cold turkey without any counselling or help...he did go to a detox center for 3 days and after that he never had a drink again for a year....so he knows that he can do it again since this time he says that he wants to really do it and he wants to for himself..last time he said he did it becuz i was threatening to leave him and he didnt want me out of his life. So its hard to believe if he really wants to do it for himself or not.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't think anyone here thinks it's a good idea for you to abandon your new relationship for the sake of "being in the xaf's life".
However, it's your decision. I kind of think it's a waste of your energy to be trying to convince us. All we can do is to share our experience, strength, and hope, and to give you our feedback based on that, on what you have told us, and on our somewhat more objective perspective.
You don't need the approval of anyone here to do what you think is right for YOUR life. We have tried to be honest about what we think, but it's ultimately your call.
However, it's your decision. I kind of think it's a waste of your energy to be trying to convince us. All we can do is to share our experience, strength, and hope, and to give you our feedback based on that, on what you have told us, and on our somewhat more objective perspective.
You don't need the approval of anyone here to do what you think is right for YOUR life. We have tried to be honest about what we think, but it's ultimately your call.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Here’s what you really don’t want to hear or accept. If he really wanted to get sober and have a good life with you…..he would have been working on that these past 7 months and he’d be 7 months sober right now today proving to you that, that’s what he truly wanted. But that is not the case, he’s back drinking with words that sound like what he thinks you want to hear.
Alcoholics are codependents too, they don’t like change and I’m sure he miss’s you and the comfortable life he had drinking with you present in his life. And that’s what he’s trying to get back. He knows you won’t be around if he’s drinking so he’s putting on the recovery play right now for your attention – which is working. Your playing right into it. Soon you’ll be back with him then slowly he’ll go back to who he was when you left.
What is it about your “old life” that you want back so much?
Alcoholics are codependents too, they don’t like change and I’m sure he miss’s you and the comfortable life he had drinking with you present in his life. And that’s what he’s trying to get back. He knows you won’t be around if he’s drinking so he’s putting on the recovery play right now for your attention – which is working. Your playing right into it. Soon you’ll be back with him then slowly he’ll go back to who he was when you left.
What is it about your “old life” that you want back so much?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: north royalton
Posts: 60
I honestly want the year of sobriety back of my life with him and i told him that and he agrees. After he relapsed it was slowly worse and worse we fought like crazy BC of his drinking...so I guess time will tell if hr does wanna get sober. I told him if he wanted it bsd enough he should of been getting sober within those 7 months n he said he was just trying to drink themisery away n then hr realized he couldn't do that for the rest of his life he says...
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Originally Posted by shortayp18 
I honestly want the year of sobriety back of my life with him and i told him that and he agrees.
I note you didn't bother to respond to my questions about if your current bf knows about your contact with your ex and how he might feel about it. It seems as though you really don't care about your current boyfriend's feelings at all.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by shortayp18
I honestly want the year of sobriety back of my life with him and i told him that and he agrees.
My xabf was sober for almost 1 year total and I took that as a good sign when we started dating again. However, that lasted about 2 more weeks, and then he was drinking again. So, even if your ex was sober over the past 7 months and then called you, it's still possible he won't stick with it. Sorry to be negative, but it's just been my experience with this.
I understand wanting him in your life, but it could get to be a sticky situation in terms of expectations, etc. Sounds like you are leaning towards letting him back in, so just be careful with your own expectations, too.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You were with him for 5 years and only 1 out of those 5 years he was sober. So you already have spent 4 years of your lovely life waiting around/begging/pleading for this person to be someone he may not be at all. How many more years are you going to give up to this fantasy you have?
If sober life was so good for him, he’d be 6 years sober by now. Some alcoholics don’t get sober and that’s a fact. His program of doing it himself without outside intervention hasn’t worked in the past, what makes you think this time is any different? Where is his relapse prevention? What is his relapse prevention?
If just stopping drinking were the solution there would be no alcoholics. Even when the alcohol is no longer in his system, his programming to drink is still going to be his solution, he’s not replaced that thinking with anything outside of himself.
Give up the fantasy, this is not a Cinderella story it’s actually a very sad story about a codependent woman who thinks an alcoholic is her only solution for love in this world.
You are passing up years of your life holding on to someone who is NOT going to become the person you HOPE HE CAN BE.
What do you friends think about all of this?
If sober life was so good for him, he’d be 6 years sober by now. Some alcoholics don’t get sober and that’s a fact. His program of doing it himself without outside intervention hasn’t worked in the past, what makes you think this time is any different? Where is his relapse prevention? What is his relapse prevention?
If just stopping drinking were the solution there would be no alcoholics. Even when the alcohol is no longer in his system, his programming to drink is still going to be his solution, he’s not replaced that thinking with anything outside of himself.
Give up the fantasy, this is not a Cinderella story it’s actually a very sad story about a codependent woman who thinks an alcoholic is her only solution for love in this world.
You are passing up years of your life holding on to someone who is NOT going to become the person you HOPE HE CAN BE.
What do you friends think about all of this?
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