MidnightRising

My husband is an alcoholic and is very abusive. One year ago I left him because I thought he would kill me if I didn't. Soon after he stopped drinking and a few months later we were back together. At first he attended AA meetings but thought they were stupid with all the holding hands and praying so he stopped going. He basically became sober on his own without any help or support. But after 6 months of sobriety he has started drinking again.

His sober days are great, he's very caring and loving. His drunk days are absolutely hellish and emotionally draining. He is verbally abusive but I can see it starting to escalate to where it will return to physical abuse soon enough. If I don't do as he says he threatens to burn the house down or kill himself. After last night's episode he is feeling remorseful and says it won't happen again - of course I've heard this before. Now he's angry because I don't believe him. He has agreed to stop drinking but doesn't want to get help or join a support group. He insists that he's done it once on his own and he can do it again. In my opinion, he hasn't done it once. He has tried once and failed. Am I wrong to think like that? Can he really get sober on his own without help or support (besides me)?

Hammer

If not AA for him,

How about Alanon for you?

honeypig

And if he is physically abusive, you need to make sure you are not there to be harmed--keep yourself safe.

Welcome to the SR forums, and please read as much as you possibly can. Don't miss the stickied threads at the top of the page--there's a lot of useful and educational material there.

As Hammer said, I would advise you to get to an Alanon meeting sooner rather than later. You'll learn a lot there and find a lot of support.

You do NOT have to live in a threatening situation. His choices are his; he is an adult. You only need to look out for yourself.

You are not alone. There is a lot of help available.

AnvilheadII

honey....if you are in danger, NOTHING else matters....you simply must put your own safety first and foremost. you can't get him sober on your own...that has been proved out. you are living in a Cycle of Abuse and it WILL get worse.

amy55

Alcoholism does not always mean a person is abusive. An abusive person is not always an alcoholic. You are looking at 2 different things. Yes, when he was sober he may have been able to behave a little better, plus, he was putting on his "good face" to keep you around.

They will apologize all they want, they can start AA again, they can go to therapy. It's all another ploy to pull you back in again. Then the "mask" comes off again.

Of course he is angry that you don't believe him. Those are words, what are his actions?

I believed all that bull.... for so many years that I am embarrassed about it. I just wanted to so believe that he loved me.

Now I don't care if he did or didn't. He was abusive, and that got worse, till he didn't even need a drink to take off his "mask".

LexieCat

Living with an alcoholic is miserable; living with an abuser can be deadly. Please contact the domestic violence hotline and get some help with being safe. They can help you formulate an escape plan in case you need to take off at a moment's notice. I do hope that you will consider getting an order of protection and leaving. I've worked in the DV field for many years, and you can wind up in the hospital, or worse. Abuse and alcoholism (and, yes, they are separate issues) both get worse over time. Please keep yourself safe, first and foremost, and then work on your recovery in Al-Anon.

Lyssy

Living with an alcoholic abuser is hell. Death to the soul (imo).

Anna

If your husband does stop drinking, it certainly doesn't mean he will stop being physically abusive. Alcohol doesn't necessarily make people violent.

Contact a Women's Shelter and make a plan to take care of yourself.

Recovering2

There is a HUGE difference between being sober and real recovery. Simply abstaining from alcohol makes the A sober, but it doesn't mean they have worked on themselves and their issues. Just being sober is a "dry drunk", eventually they will drink. Regardless if he drinks or not, he is abusive. Is this what you want for YOUR life? The guy who you though might kill you 1 year ago is living in your house now. He has shown you by his actions that nothing has changed. PLEEEEZ get help and get out before something happens to you. You can't do anything about his choices, you can't save him from himself. But you CAN save yourself from becoming a statistic. Listen to Lexie. Call a DV hotline and get help.
We only get one life.....do what is best for yours.

MandyButterfly

Lexie, How does Al-Anon help? My Therapist wanted me to join due to my enduring a life of 45 years of abuse from others who were alcoholic's. I must admit, it frightens me a little to do the group thing. I have Complex PTSD with DID, Panic Disorder, Self-harm and suicidal ideation as well as Stalkholm Syndrome. So I'm not grasping what it is I'm to get out of going to a group... Please help...

LexieCat

Al-Anon helps you heal from the effects of living with alcoholism. It is a 12-Step program that mirrors AA's 12 Steps. Al-Anon may not, all by itself, heal all of your issues. But you are working with a therapist. Do you trust him or her? Al-Anon can help you identify the ways in which you have been affected by others' drinking. For instance, the self-harm might be either because you have numbed yourself out so much that you need to hurt yourself to FEEL. Or you might have unwarranted feelings of guilt that you are trying to punish. I don't know, I'm not an expert in psychology. I do know that Al-Anon was a lifesaver for me.

Don't worry too much about the "social" aspects of the group. They are low-pressure, no one has to speak if he or she doesn't want to. It can be very eye-opening and a huge relief to find others who have been through the same kinds of experiences you have had.

If you trust your therapist, then I think you should give his/her suggestions a try.

Skydreamer73

Get out, if he won't put in the work for himself then neither should you!!!!!!

As for the trust, he doesn't deserve it, my AW just said " you know I sometimes feel hurt you don't yet fully trust me because to me right now sober I know I am telling the truth, but I realize I didn't always do that, and honestly I probably wouldn't respect you if you did trust me so soon, and if I didn't respect you along with myself I may still be drinking so I guess it is a good thing and now I know I have to earn it back just as hard"

Now that I believe, his statements sound like snake oil to me love.... DO what you need to do for you!!!

MandyButterfly

Thank you Lexie. I think I shall give it a try. May I ask, why would I have to work the 12 steps part if I am not an abuser of alcohol?

LexieCat

Because they apply to everyone whose life has become unmanageable. And we partners of alcoholics DEFINITELY have that problem!

The Steps are really just a way to live a good, healthy, happy life. I think ANYONE, regardless of what challenges they face in life, would benefit from working them.