Did I do the right thing?
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1
Did I do the right thing?
I posted here over two years ago. SR won't let me post a link, but it was called "New - could use some help" from June 13 2011. I'm using a different name because I don't want him to be able to find this.
For those that don't want to read all of that, the story was that I fell in love with this man when I was 21. He was 8 years older than me and my first love and my first boyfriend. I loved him very much, but found out 2 years into the relationship that he had been drinking every day for 10 months and telling me that he was sober the whole time. I broke up with him but had a lot of doubts about it.
Hearing about your experiences really helped me out, and it was so meaningful to read your stories and hear your advice. But I wasn't strong enough to cut off ties. I never 'officially' got back together with him, but we just acted like we were -- seeing each other often, talking on the phone every night, declarations of love, him telling me that we were going to be together forever and everything was going to be fine and he was going to take care of me, etc. I just didn't tell my parents we were seeing each other because they wouldn't have approved. And I didn't agree to be exclusive because he was the only person I had ever been with and I was nervous about a future with him. I thought we would end up together eventually but I was so scared. I never dated anyone else, but I just thought that if I got back together with him and we were exclusive again that we would probably get married, and that was a scary trajectory to me and I needed to be sure. But this guy was just so possessive. I guess me being a virgin when we got together made him insanely possessive over me and he didn't want me ever thinking about other guys. I kissed another guy at a party and told him about it because I felt guilty, and he saw it as cheating even though we weren't really together in that way. I really thought we would get back together, but I just needed some reassurance that he was getting his life together and everything was going to be okay, and I also needed to figure out what I was doing with my life -- I had just graduated from grad school and needed to figure out if I could get a job near him or if I needed to explore other opportunities out of state. He said he would follow me but I don't believe he really would. Eventually I guess he got fed up with me 'stringing him along' and kind of dumped me. I guess we weren't really together but it just felt like we were, so it was devastating. I really did think we would be together eventually. And now he's dating another girl who he says he's in love with. He tells me he loves me more than her, but isn't ready to "come running back to me right away."
I know this is very selfish. But he has been sober since we broke up for the first time (as far as I know.) And it seems like this time he is going to be sober forever. And I just worry that doubting him and doubting our relationship for so long was a mistake. Now he's going to be with another girl and be sober with her when that's all I wanted. All I ever wanted was to be with my first love forever. And I feel so many regrets for just not agreeing to be his girlfriend again. I know I had these doubts for a reason but I am just so scared that he is going to get his life together but for someone else, not me, and it'll be all my fault for not trusting him sooner. I am nearly 25 now and I know that that is young but I worry that I'll never find someone I love like him again. I remember people from this forum saying that I was too young to be tied down to an alcoholic and that I should try to find someone else, but love just seems so rare to me and I'm afraid I lost it because of all my doubts. I was very happy with him but I was scared of being miserable if he never got his life together. And now his new girlfriend and him seem so happy together and sometimes I have to see them and I feel awful about it.
I don't know why I'm writing all this. I guess I just want someone to reassure me that I'm better off without him. That I can find love again with someone without so many addiction problems. That I didn't make a huge mistake. I've just been feeling so miserable. I love him so much and it's been driving me crazy to think about him with someone else. I thought if he cheated on her with me (he did) I would feel better -- like why would I want to be with a cheater? But it didn't. I guess it's just really hard to get over a first love. I've been feeling so crazy and depressed and I just wish things were different. I know I sound crazy and that this is long but I guess I just need a little support. Thanks for any advice you can offer
For those that don't want to read all of that, the story was that I fell in love with this man when I was 21. He was 8 years older than me and my first love and my first boyfriend. I loved him very much, but found out 2 years into the relationship that he had been drinking every day for 10 months and telling me that he was sober the whole time. I broke up with him but had a lot of doubts about it.
Hearing about your experiences really helped me out, and it was so meaningful to read your stories and hear your advice. But I wasn't strong enough to cut off ties. I never 'officially' got back together with him, but we just acted like we were -- seeing each other often, talking on the phone every night, declarations of love, him telling me that we were going to be together forever and everything was going to be fine and he was going to take care of me, etc. I just didn't tell my parents we were seeing each other because they wouldn't have approved. And I didn't agree to be exclusive because he was the only person I had ever been with and I was nervous about a future with him. I thought we would end up together eventually but I was so scared. I never dated anyone else, but I just thought that if I got back together with him and we were exclusive again that we would probably get married, and that was a scary trajectory to me and I needed to be sure. But this guy was just so possessive. I guess me being a virgin when we got together made him insanely possessive over me and he didn't want me ever thinking about other guys. I kissed another guy at a party and told him about it because I felt guilty, and he saw it as cheating even though we weren't really together in that way. I really thought we would get back together, but I just needed some reassurance that he was getting his life together and everything was going to be okay, and I also needed to figure out what I was doing with my life -- I had just graduated from grad school and needed to figure out if I could get a job near him or if I needed to explore other opportunities out of state. He said he would follow me but I don't believe he really would. Eventually I guess he got fed up with me 'stringing him along' and kind of dumped me. I guess we weren't really together but it just felt like we were, so it was devastating. I really did think we would be together eventually. And now he's dating another girl who he says he's in love with. He tells me he loves me more than her, but isn't ready to "come running back to me right away."
I know this is very selfish. But he has been sober since we broke up for the first time (as far as I know.) And it seems like this time he is going to be sober forever. And I just worry that doubting him and doubting our relationship for so long was a mistake. Now he's going to be with another girl and be sober with her when that's all I wanted. All I ever wanted was to be with my first love forever. And I feel so many regrets for just not agreeing to be his girlfriend again. I know I had these doubts for a reason but I am just so scared that he is going to get his life together but for someone else, not me, and it'll be all my fault for not trusting him sooner. I am nearly 25 now and I know that that is young but I worry that I'll never find someone I love like him again. I remember people from this forum saying that I was too young to be tied down to an alcoholic and that I should try to find someone else, but love just seems so rare to me and I'm afraid I lost it because of all my doubts. I was very happy with him but I was scared of being miserable if he never got his life together. And now his new girlfriend and him seem so happy together and sometimes I have to see them and I feel awful about it.
I don't know why I'm writing all this. I guess I just want someone to reassure me that I'm better off without him. That I can find love again with someone without so many addiction problems. That I didn't make a huge mistake. I've just been feeling so miserable. I love him so much and it's been driving me crazy to think about him with someone else. I thought if he cheated on her with me (he did) I would feel better -- like why would I want to be with a cheater? But it didn't. I guess it's just really hard to get over a first love. I've been feeling so crazy and depressed and I just wish things were different. I know I sound crazy and that this is long but I guess I just need a little support. Thanks for any advice you can offer
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by hermia 
I don't know why I'm writing all this. I guess I just want someone to reassure me that I'm better off without him. That I can find love again with someone without so many addiction problems. That I didn't make a huge mistake.
To answer your requests above. YES. To all.
But here's the key to making that happen. You need to let this guy go. Permanently. Go no contact, avoid being in places where you may run into him, don't respond to any attempts to contact you, and don't buy into the BS manipulation tactics like "I love you more than her...blah blah blah".
Yes, 25 is still very young. Come back here in 10 years and read your posts over again; trust me, you will get a kick out of them when you are 35.
First loves rarely last forever. But in the midst of it all, we want it to. That's normal. And yes, letting it go is very painful. But really - the advice you got last time is spot on. You do not want to be tied to an alcoholic for the rest of your life. Go read the "Alcoholic Thinking" article here today. That's your future, hon.
Yes, you will find love again. But to be open and available for it to find you too, you need to let this guy go.
Peace,
~T
And P.S. The fact that you were too embarrassed and worried to let your parents know about him is a HUGE red flag. Pay attention to that next time. If the guy you are with isn't worthy of knowing your family, even if your family is plain old nuts, then he isn't worthy of you, either.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
because this guy was your 1st...you have seen the worst in MEN...yep, the worst...wouldnt it be nice to have some nice guy treat you right because YOU DESERVE IT..
your gut feelings are that, a wake up call...listen to them, they are there for a reason...if it dont feel right, then look into to it...
can you really except this guy as a husband material when he is going behind the his gf's back....
ACTIONS speak louder than words...
and just because he says it, doesnt make it true....
your gut feelings are that, a wake up call...listen to them, they are there for a reason...if it dont feel right, then look into to it...
can you really except this guy as a husband material when he is going behind the his gf's back....
ACTIONS speak louder than words...
and just because he says it, doesnt make it true....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 70
I'm sorry that you are hurting. Losing a love is devastating. But, you have dodged a bullet!! Don't go chasing that bullet, looking to get shot!! I'm 35, and my story could be viewed as one of your potential paths in life. I'm divorcing my no longer sober husband, am going to be a single mom to our daughter, and just lost my professional job due to all of the drama of the past six months. Run from this path, and don't look back!!
Sending you hugs as you deal with this hurt.
Sending you hugs as you deal with this hurt.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
All good feedback, here. Yes, you absolutely did the right thing. If you made a mistake, it was in maintaining that "sort of" relationship. But you are still very young (sheesh, wish *I* could go back to 25!), and you have your whole life ahead of you.
It's very hard to imagine something better than all we've ever known. Trust us, there are much, much better relationships to be had--many nicer, more honest and stable men.
Forget about the "virgin" thing. Very, very few people these days are virgins when they meet the person they marry. I'm not putting it down--some people have very strong convictions about it--but you are FAR from "spoiled goods." Any man who is worthwhile will not view your status as something negative. It's part of who you are--and your experiences in this first relationship hopefully taught you a few things about life.
And I second (or third, or whatever) the suggestion that you actively cut OFF further contact with this man. He is in a new relationship, you are moving on, yourself. No good can come of it, but lots of bad can happen. Stick around, keep posting.
It's very hard to imagine something better than all we've ever known. Trust us, there are much, much better relationships to be had--many nicer, more honest and stable men.
Forget about the "virgin" thing. Very, very few people these days are virgins when they meet the person they marry. I'm not putting it down--some people have very strong convictions about it--but you are FAR from "spoiled goods." Any man who is worthwhile will not view your status as something negative. It's part of who you are--and your experiences in this first relationship hopefully taught you a few things about life.
And I second (or third, or whatever) the suggestion that you actively cut OFF further contact with this man. He is in a new relationship, you are moving on, yourself. No good can come of it, but lots of bad can happen. Stick around, keep posting.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
ooh LADIES wouldnt it be nice to go back at that age...with all the wisdom we have now...??!! lol...but learn we must...and grow we must....
omy here comes a WEED! *jumps up and down and stomps on it*
omy here comes a WEED! *jumps up and down and stomps on it*
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