He left me & my son for beer...

Old 09-10-2019, 01:11 AM
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Peo
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He left me & my son for beer...

I feel so bad no matter how hard I try to get over it. My boyfriend of 5 years packed up his stuff yesterday and left. The day before he was gone ALL night drinking and didn't come home till10am. It was not the first time and we spoken about it multiple times in the past. Even getting in very heated arguments, but be dosent see a problem just says 'I'm gonna stop, I promise.' An he does for maybe a week or 2 than back to drinking.

when we met I didn't know he had a drinking problem untill maybe half a year into the relationship. He was bad the middle years than He calmed down alot *which gave me hope* and now it's currently high. He normally drinks a 12pack a DAY, sometimes more. Everyday. I was fed up and told him 'Its your family or the beer. If you like sneaking out to be out all night in the streets, drinking with drunk guys that ONLY care about themselves than you should be with them' i left with my son to the store and when got back he packed all his stuff and left. I feel devastated, not that he particularly left me but he left our family for alcohol. I did so much for him throughout the years and helped him when none of his 'friend's' would. I don't know how to get over the pain. At work I pulled through like a normal day but as soon as I left I cried all the way home. I spent 5 years almost everyday with this guy and he so quickly up and left.

I tried contacting him regarding our 3 yr old son and he ignores my calls and messages and even blocked me on social media. Beforehand he told me he would still help watch/care for him but I didn't believe and every type of contact I tried he ignored. I can't believe he would leave our son for beer. He us fixing to be 28 and spoke alot about how he used to go out and drink, drive around without a care, up and go whenever. I told him he had a toddler to help raise now and couldn't just up and go anymore. His friends were always proud that he had a family (they were single in early 30s) and how he had a 'cute' baby and 'great' woman by his side, yet he chose to leave!

I honestly think he is gone for good... which saddens me because my son looks for him and yet his dad has not even tried to respond (not even to his own mom) to try and resolve the issue over our son. I guess I just wanna hear I'm not alone and someone has or is going through what I am and hopefully the sadness goes away...
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Old 09-10-2019, 01:35 AM
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The sadness will slowly fade and in time it will be replaced with relief. It's your ego that is hurting. Ego thinks he chose alcohol over his family. The reality is that he chose alcohol over no alcohol. Your ego will prolong your grieving process. Let it go.. Let him go. I envy you... Yup I do. Because even though your son may be crying out for his dad now. He'll be crying even more if his dad stuck around and your child had to watch him fade away, caring less and less about him every day.

In time, when you have healed and are happy you'll have made space in your life for a good man to become your child's father, to become your partner, friend, lover.

You won't feel it right now.. But you and your son are one of the lucky ones. Active alcoholics harm EVERYBODY.

We're here for you in the meantime.
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Old 09-10-2019, 01:56 AM
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It’s so very painful — but a life WITHOUT that chaos... every single day, is healthier... better.. far more stable for you and your son. Even though it hurts like hell right now.

Living with an active alcoholic is pure torture, both emotionally and physically. It completely destroys your overall well-being. Destroys everything it touches... including your son’s life.

You deserve more! You deserve love, consistency and inner peace. We are here for you.
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Old 09-10-2019, 04:23 AM
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Peo...you are definitely not alone....as a matter of fact, there are thousands of stories, here on this forum that are similar.....
I hope that you will contact the authorities and have him pay child support for his son. His son deserves that much....and, it is his responsibility to pay it. Even if you don't know where he is....you can use his social security number....
Don't let him slide on that responsibility.
I hope you will continue to post, because we can help and support you, if you will do so.....
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Old 09-10-2019, 06:00 AM
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There were times I wished my husband did leave, so I wouldn't have to make the decision.

Your BF is incapable of being a partner or parent in any meaningful way. I'm so sorry.

The reality is that he chose alcohol over no alcohol.
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Old 09-10-2019, 06:42 AM
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Peo,

You are not alone. You can post and talk to us here at anytime. There are a lot of caring people here that have been though the same things that you are going through and can help.

Right now you need to look after you and your son. You need to make sure you two are taken care of first.

It sounds like your ABF is only only looking after himself and the alcohol. It's sad that he values that more then a great wife and beautiful son. Even if he cared a little he would not be blocking you out of your life completely like you said. He needs to fix himself before he can truly love again.

Just know you are strong and can get through this. You deserve joy in your heart and life. Look after your child and see the joy he brings to you. we are here for you. Post us anytime.
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Old 09-10-2019, 08:11 AM
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My heart goes out to you, so many have been where you are and go on to have good lives. Focus on your son and healing. A big hug!
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Old 09-10-2019, 08:26 AM
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I'm always so sorry to read others stories on here and remember what it felt like in those early stages of this problem. You have been together 5 years and it feels like your world is falling apart and you have to be super mom to your son. I have been there countless times.
Remember, at least it has happened 5 years in and not 25. You still have your youth and hopefully your confidence isn't completely shattered. He has done damage but it could be so much worse with the right amount of time. You can love someone deeply but not be with them. When an alcohol problem is involved it's usually for the better, even if you don't see it right now.
I have confidence that you and your son will be just fine. Your kids can be a great comfort in bad times. They love unconditionally.
Peace to you and I wish you the very best. You will get through this.
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Old 09-10-2019, 12:18 PM
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Hi Peo, you're not alone. I can remember when my ex alcoholic husband of 20+ years sent me a text message that he was leaving me while I was having breakfast with a family friend. I hadn't told anyone what horrors were happening in my home and at that moment I burst into tears over my meal and had to explain for our mutual friend that my husband has been a raging alcoholic for many years and had just left me. It was so embarrassing to tell my friend he was choosing booze over the family. I was devastated. What a waste of years.

Unbeknownst to me, he gave me a gift in his leaving. I grieved the loss but with time I found peace in my life and you will eventually too. There is no price that can be put on having peace and peace of mind.

The disbelief and high emotions are too raw for you right now to see the hidden blessing in his packing up and leaving. I know that sounds rough, but imagine your son being taken to a school event and your husband driving your beloved son to it while drunk. Yes, this is a real possibility if it hasn't happened to you and your son already, not to mention all of the potential possibilities that could happen because he drives wasted. It happened to my children and the fear they had was tremendous. The shame I feel because I didn't catch it has never gone away. There are so many worse things that could happen other than your alcoholic husband leaving you that can't be undone, so let him leave.

Get help via Al-Anon and counseling so this isn't repeated in your life. You can build a home for you and your son on a strong foundation FREE of addiction and it's misery.

Peace and hugs to you.
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Old 09-10-2019, 12:46 PM
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Thank you all! This really makes me feel so much better knowing others have been through it and found it for the better. I really do appreciate it all the kind words.
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Old 09-10-2019, 01:19 PM
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The reality is that he chose alcohol over no alcohol.

I think this is very important. When alcoholics drink, they aren't drinking AT you, they are drinking because they are alcoholics. Same if they leave a marriage or relationship. They are not choosing alcohol over their family, they truly are choosing alcohol over no alcohol.

I have been here a long time and I am an alcoholic who has been sober over 11 years. The phrase above in bold is one of the best explanations I have ever heard as to why we alcoholics do what we do.
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Old 09-10-2019, 01:27 PM
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Same Suki, it's succinct and to the point!

Peo, glad you found us but sorry for what brings you here, of course.

Hope you will stick around whether he returns or not, no matter what happens it's a good idea to have support of others, don't isolate yourself.

Do you have friends and family you share any of this with? I know it can be hard to get out with a little one but if you can you might want to check out Al-Anon meetings in your area. These support meetings are for people affected by a friend or family member's drinking, not support for the Alcoholic, you might find that helpful.

Right now you are probably feeling terribly hurt and that is normal. Try to focus on yourself and your child (and the peace in the house!). Don't panic, you are going to be ok regardless. You will not always feel this way but it takes time.
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Old 09-10-2019, 01:38 PM
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Peo…..building on what trailmix said.....many alanon meetings have childcare....
google the meetings...and, you can give a call and ask, ahead of time.....

I have a couple of suggestions for you....
Get and read "Co-dependent No More"....it is the most recommended book on this forum. It is an easy read and I think a lot of it will resonate with you!

There is sooo much for you to learn....
Knowledge is Power
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Old 09-10-2019, 01:49 PM
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Peo…..I got to thinking about your situation.....and, you are pretty sure that your boyfriend is not coming back.....
Did you know that there are now, books written for mothers raising boys? You can find them by going to amazon.com and typing in "mothers raising boys", in the book section. You can read the reviews on each book, to pick the one(s) that you like the most.....
even if he does come back...with an alcoholic....you will still, probably still end up doing most of the parenting....
for sure, it takes strong mothers to raise strong boys......
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Old 09-10-2019, 02:02 PM
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I’m very sorry to hear about your boyfriend. Single-parenting is a tough road to travel, but if he is actively drinking, you would have ended up doing all the parenting yourself anyway, even if your son’s father was physically present. There are plenty of members here who are effectively single moms/dads even if the other parent is still around. I hope your son can have some relationship with his father, despite the limitations imposed by his addiction. You're going to be okay.
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Old 09-10-2019, 03:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972 View Post
I’m very sorry to hear about your boyfriend. Single-parenting is a tough road to travel, but if he is actively drinking, you would have ended up doing all the parenting yourself anyway, even if your son’s father was physically present. There are plenty of members here who are effectively single moms/dads even if the other parent is still around. I hope your son can have some relationship with his father, despite the limitations imposed by his addiction. You're going to be okay.
Parenting is soooo much easier without them and I have two preschoolers and NO support. It's a bloody doddle, so is the house work. No more rows with landlords cos the EXAH was barking. It's so peaceful. An alcoholic dad is not a dad. It's a sperm donor with a drinking problem.

If you can... Move away. If you don't need the financial support don't bother asking for it. It just leaves a door open for your ex to climb back in.

Run like the wind!!!!
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Old 09-11-2019, 07:24 AM
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Peo it's so incredible to think how much these words can change your whole life

I was fed up and told him "Its your family or the beer. "

He was quite happy to have both, family and beer. You were not. That is why you gave him the choice, one or the other. When I got to the point of needing to ask my husband to choose, I waited a long, long time to say the words because I knew there was a huge chance he would choose beer. Guess what, he did, but by the time I said the words I had prepared myself for either outcome. I desperately did not want it to be true but I asked him to make his choice and he made it. I was still shocked and I wasn't actually as prepared as I thought.

If you never considered that he might choose beer over the family, I imagine you must be in total shock now. That shock will start to wear off as you learn to live without him and you will start to remember how unhappy you were living with his drinking, unhappy enough to ask him to choose.

This could have happened now or in 5 years or in 10 years. It had to happen for you and your son . You could not continue the way things were.

Be kind to yourself as you navigate this period of adjustment to your new reality.
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Old 09-11-2019, 09:51 AM
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You can search my name in this forum if you'd like to see my on-again-off-again posts about the 3 times DH has left me and my step-son (his son) over the past 10 years. He's in the process of moving out of the house and has been living in the garage for the past 6 weeks (his choice so he can drink and smoke pot all night). He rarely communicates or interacts with us during that time and you know what? There is barely a difference in our lives in a lot of ways and I'm also noticing positives.

I'm still the person doing the shopping, cooking, cleaning, transportation to activities, helping with homework, etc. But now I'm also the person accepting invitations instead of waiting around to see if DH wants to do anything. I used to turn down invites with friends (including friends with kids) in hopes that DH wanted to do family things but he rarely did. It's also nice to not have that lingering hope that he MIGHT help with the housework or the transportation (both of us work full-time). My DSS and I have had so much FUN these past few weeks even though we are also sad occasionally that DH is making this choice.

My sister used to tell me that I'd be all right regardless of how things worked out. It's being in limbo about the choice. It's kind of like ripping of the band-aid. The dread is worse than the actuality.

You're not alone.
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Old 09-11-2019, 11:11 AM
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Im effectively a single parent of 2 wonderful boys. Im so proud of my relationship with them.
One thing that has helped as they have grown older is for them to have positive male role models. Fortunately, there are great male teachers at school and 2 uncles. They live a long way from us but they hear me talking positively about them. Do you have a male around you who could be in your son's life?
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Old 09-11-2019, 11:23 AM
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when we met I didn't know he had a drinking problem untill maybe half a year into the relationship. He was bad the middle years than He calmed down alot *which gave me hope* and now it's currently high. He normally drinks a 12pack a DAY, sometimes more. Everyday.

while he may now have physically departed from you, i suggest he was ALWAYS one foot out the door. in part because:

I did so much for him throughout the years and helped him when none of his 'friend's' would.

you were a good resource. you provided a sense of "normalcy" or at least he thought it gave him the appearance of being a normal, regular guy. but he was not. his primary objective at all times was:
1) Himself
2) Drinking

when faced with the choice of "be and act like a grown up or leave" he chose leave - cuz it's what he does and it's way easier than the alternative, in his mind.

i know he's the baby's father, but that does not make him a PARENT or even good parent material. he sounds far too self-absorbed and immature to even watch a small child for six minutes while you run to the bathroom.

in any relationship, when one side is doing their own thing, and the other side is doing all the heavy lifiting, it's not a healthy relationship. it's become a parasite-host relationship.

you will find yourself far better off without a 12 pack day juvenile underfoot.
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