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Old 07-16-2013, 10:47 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Oh I know - I can't even tell if mine's been drinking til he starts interrupting me, or gets the glazed over eyeballs not quite aligned look - and it takes A LOT of liquor for him to get like that.

He doesn't get like that very often, but then again, hell ask me questions about something we talked about last night at length - like he wasn't even present in the conversation....AND the worst part is I had no idea he was tanked enough to not remember. GAH - it makes the relationship feel so fake. WTF is right.

It is said often in here - the ONLY thing we can expect from them is that they will be drunk. I am finally beginning to believe it.
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Old 07-16-2013, 10:49 AM
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lillamy, thanks, I think that's were I'm headed....I've had enough and it's OK to say that I've had enough.
I know deep down my kids know something's wrong, that we're not the happiest of couples, but they don't see their dad drinking alot, as my husband hides everything...oh apart fromm the time my, then 7 year old, pulled a half empty bottle of Troika out of the heating vent and came into the living room holding it up to everyone and asking why it was there....sheeeshh...I take it back Lillamy, they know
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Old 07-17-2013, 03:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Ripper View Post
He'll say, he works, brings money home, doesn't go out to bars, and has the nerve to say "I'm better with the kids than you are, I'm more patient when I help them with their homework",
'Round here we call that QUACKING

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html
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Old 07-17-2013, 03:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Ripper View Post
Now how am I suppose to trust my "instincts"???
1: Well, you know he is hiding alcohol and hiding his drinking. So you know he is probably drunk most of the time. You don't need an instinct for that. Just accept that he is sh$tfaced most of the time.

He drove drunk with you in the car. Aren't you angry about that? If not, I suggest you try to get angry about that.

2: When/if you accept that he is sh$tfaced most of the time, then you also need to accept that he is unable to drive either you or your children anywhere for any reason. If you can't tell when he is sh$tfaced he is most likely always sh$tfaced therefore him + car + you/kids = NOPE.

3: If you believe he is sh$tfaced most of the time then you may need to consider the fact that he is talking sh$t most of the time. Drunk people can't NOT talk sh$t. They are always talking sh$t. They don't even remember most of the sh$t they try to feed you.

My XAH ranted and raved about how he was the most excellent husband and father in the entire world. All the time. I used to somehow believe it. I used to help that fantasy along by making our lives appear picture perfect - that's HARD CODIE WORK! I heard it so often, from him. When I totted up all the times he had f*cked up and realised how freakin' off his face he was all the time, I realised he was a crap husband and father.

I, however, was a most excellent co-dependent wife.
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Old 07-17-2013, 04:43 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Ripper View Post
I found this site a few months ago, and read through a lot of postings and just today, I got the nerve to sign up. My spouse of 16 years is an alcoholic, but he still refuses to admit more than drinking a little more than the "common folk". What has made this so hard to admit to myself, is that he has never been abusive or mean, has not missed a day of work, doesn't go on binges for days on end, even tells me he loves me every day...but he hides alcohol, and lies about it....and has been doing so for at least 13 years. That's why I'm here.
Hi, Ripper. Glad you finally joined. I lurked and read for a while, too. But I'm so glad I joined - you will be, also. There is a lot of support, kindness, and wisdom here.

I can relate in a sense. Mine gets sick less than me, for example. Honestly can't believe his physical health isn't worse. Of course in his mind this means he's fine.
This doesn't make it hard for me to admit to myself, though...the opposite is true: in his mind, it's proof that he's fine. But if he keeps going his health will suffer eventually.

I wonder if the reasons you give of why it's hard to admit to yourself are things he has told you as his "proof" that he's "fine"?

If so, you don't need to take excuses from someone who lies and hides drinking.

I hope you keep posting here.

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Old 07-17-2013, 03:40 PM
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Dear Ripper, just a word of caution about ultimatums. Don't set boundaries you're not 100% prepared to keep. The A is masterful at pushing boundaries, and learns not to respect them when they get their way. If you say you won't live with someone who is actively drinking, and he then drinks...what are you prepared to do? Make sure you take the time to think things through.
Are you going to AlAnon? Find a meeting near you, and give it a try. It's suggested you go to 6 meetings (can go to different ones) before deciding if you like it or not. The meetings are a great place to get support, to hear how others got through, and to formulate a plan for your own life.
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Old 07-17-2013, 03:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Lulu39 View Post

If not, I suggest you try to get angry about that.
ROTF. Classic Lulu.
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Old 07-18-2013, 05:57 AM
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Lulu, re: being angry at my AH for driving drunk, I was and still am angry; I've been at the angry stage for way too long; and sad, and hurt....it's the getting over that and doing something about that is difficult. I've given ultimatums in the past, and as Recovering2 said, I have to follow through. I did not follow through in the past and now I plan to do it right, because I can't live being angry all the time. What is the most difficult is "keeping up the appearances". Living with someone you are angry at, resentlful of is soooo draining.
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Old 07-18-2013, 08:30 AM
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Ripper - just thinking of you today - sending you peace and strength. I have to say - amidst a bunch of pain - I FEEL RELIEF, and EXCITEMENT to have a happier healthier life!
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Old 07-18-2013, 09:22 AM
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I did not follow through in the past and now I plan to do it right, because I can't live being angry all the time. What is the most difficult is "keeping up the appearances". Living with someone you are angry at, resentful of is soooo draining.
I can tell you I understand this so very much.
These angry and resentful feelings have affected me physically.
Stress will wear you out and make you feel a little "crazy".

Start taking care of you, I started to know I was feeling better when I started breathing,
instead of short, shallow breaths (always ready for something to happen),
I actually paid attention and counted.
Breathe in and out and start with you.
Yes, your kids know, I have been where they are.
I hope you can have an honest age appropriate discussion with them soon.
Do you have a counselor? Go to AlAnon?

Please get some support for you, someone you can talk to face to face.
It is tough to be married an alcoholic in denial (one of the understatements of the year!).
At AlAnon, they will understand what you are going through, and the friendships are
amazing.

You can do this, life will get better. Much better.

Beth
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Old 07-18-2013, 09:45 AM
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Hi Ripper,
I very much identify with your posts. My AH is also "non-abusive" and I wonder if I shouldn't accept "good enough." I'm also very new here, and to realizing that I have an AH and not just a husband with poor stress management techniques.
I also am sort of talking to myself in my posts, because I don't have much of a handle on where to start. I'm starting all over the place, and figure one or two foci will make themselves known. Good luck! Wishing you strength!
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Old 07-18-2013, 10:15 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Your situation is very similar to mine. I have a "closet drinker" of an ADH too.

He hides his in the garage, drinks daily and binges on weekends all day long but isnt abusive, argumentative or missing days of work, passing out etc. Most of the time if you didnt know and live with him you wouldnt even know he was drinking.

I always knew something was "wrong" in our marriage but it took me a long while to open my eyes and see it was the alcohol. He didnt fit the "alcoholic image" I had in my mind. Also he hides it and is very deceptive about it too part of the disease. I would ask myself, Is he drinking? Is it really that bad? Are my concerns valid? But then I started to piece it all together and it made sense. This has been going on 10+ years also. I have also demanded, threatened, given ultimatums etc. too but he just gets better at hiding it and pretending he is not drinking. What finally brought me here was when I found out he was drinking in the car while driving the kids home from school.

Just know to trust your instincts. Mine were spot on. You are here for a reason so it is not all in your head. Welcome, you will find great support and insight here. Join a local Alanon chapter and begin by focusing on yourself. It will give you great clarity and insight into what is really happening. It has helped me tremendously.
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Old 07-18-2013, 10:20 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
Oh wouldn't it be easier if they were just complete jerks that were mean to us, cheated on us, or hit us?!

It's my sickness - where I tell myself, "well, it's not THAT bad, he doesn't hit me."

Gawd.... that just reinforces that I need to focus on ME and MY health! I'm as effed up as he is I swear.

You can do this! - it is surprising how much peace and serenity we feel just being AWAY form the addiction!
I can relate I actually said that to myself a few times before. "well its not that bad, it could be worse at least he doesnt abuse me".

Yup I need the same focus on me too.
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Old 07-18-2013, 11:11 AM
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Well I just asked for the afternoon and the day off tomorrow as I'm just a total mess. I'm hoping to get away from the house with the kids and drive to our cottage. When I got home, AH was home for lunch, wondered why I was home. I told him I couldn't function at work and took a sick leave; told him I have to do something as I'm making myself sick. He genuinely looked hurt seeing me like this, but I know it won't make him stop; he's seen me like this before. I started questioning our therapy session we had yesterday and the lies about hiding alcohol (again!)...what gets to me is that he just stares at me, and doesn't say a thing; then he put his shoes on and left for work, looking shaken...it's such a scary look, like a caged animal, I don't know, maybe I'm imagining things....All I know is I'm a mess, I can't focus, I can't keep going like this, I know I need to get to Al-Anon but right now all I want to do is curl up in a dark corner and forget about everything...
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Old 07-18-2013, 11:21 AM
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I think they go into 'protect and withdraw mode.' He doesn't like it - because he loves you, but if he's anything like mine was, he's not going to do anything about fixing it either.

In their mind, they don't have a problem - they deserve it - it doesn't affect anything. All while at the same time knowing it's driving you away, it affects other things in their lives, and they feel like $h!t when they don't have it.

Somehow - they can't (and won't) connect the negatives to their alcoholism. Maddening.

Get yourself some R&R. People always say "deep breaths - inhale through your nose while counting to 6, and out through your mouth while counting to 6." I never understood this til now - it friggin works. (((HUGS)))
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Old 07-18-2013, 11:33 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Al-Anon will make you feel MUCH better than curling up in a dark corner. Hard to believe now, but it's true.
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