Idk
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 45
Idk
Hi all. I have been lurking here for quite awhile even though am not a new member, I havent posted in a bit. Reason being that I went back to ABF....i know, I know, I know 
!! I was leaving, I was done....but I didn't and I flew him back here from Dallas because guess what?? he wasn't doing good and he promised me all these things and I believed him. Granted he has not been drinking for the last few months with a one time episode that ended up like all the rest, the cussing, fussing and a replay of the hell that my life has been with this man since I met him going on five years ago. So why am i posting now? Idk...am confused...he's not drinking, has decided to give his life to Christ donno if that's because I gave mine to Christ May 1st of this year or he's really serious about it. I don't trust him though, even though I dont want to judge him and say hes not saved. Anyway, we lost our home last month, got evicted because the rent was too high and I just couldnt afford it anymore with him not working. So now he found a job and he says he's changed, and i guess in some ways he has. He's not such an ass anymore and things have gotten a bit better but I still want out. I think the change is too late for me and now all he says is that I'm the one who's not willing to give it a shot now that he's not drinking anymore. He says am doing what he did before i.e fighting not to be with him, and telling him that I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, somehow it's my fault that am unforgiving (which btw i couldn't possibly be saved if I can't forgive him). I see that as selfishness because he always sounds like he's minimizing the things he put me through. I don't want to be with him but I don't seem to have the strength to leave. Idk if am afraid of being alone or is it that I'm so enmeshed with codieness that I cant see that am headed to hell in a handbasket if I stay with him?? Losing our home was the last straw for me, he hasnt managed to keep a job since we've been together and then as soon as I say am leaving, I've had it NOW he wants to change? Can get a job and actually keep it? I've managed to ask a coworker if my son and I can stay with her till I can find a place of my own and she has said yes, but when I told him this he says I should help him get back on his feet and that he never left me in the past even though he always threatened to ( I wonder where he would have been going in the throes of his alcoholism but I digress). He just makes me feel so guilty for expressing my needs and for being honest. I may have found a new place for my son and I (I find out today) and I'm determined NOT to take him there with us. I'm tired, I need some peace and quiet and I honestly think that even if we were to be together again, I still need this time to myself otherwise am full of resentment and so much anger and bitterness about what I have let my life become. I think am rambling but I just have to get this stuff out. I had a talk with my son yesterday and he said that he's happy that he won't get to see me sad anymore when we move to our new place. That's more than good enough for me. Whew! Writing this all down now makes me see how manipulative he still is. It's all about him, his daughter won't be able to visit this summer because guess what? he doesn't have a place to stay and I wont let him stay with me at the new place till the summer is over, well, tough s***....without me she wouldn't have made it here for the past four summers, I paid her way each summer she came here and still got cussed at for it and not once was there a thank you.
Whew!! when I started this thread I wans't sure what to do...believe him and this new change or stick to my plan and leave...but writing this all down is soo therapeutic and i feel so much better. Your es&h ia always appreciated and as usual SR family
!! I was leaving, I was done....but I didn't and I flew him back here from Dallas because guess what?? he wasn't doing good and he promised me all these things and I believed him. Granted he has not been drinking for the last few months with a one time episode that ended up like all the rest, the cussing, fussing and a replay of the hell that my life has been with this man since I met him going on five years ago. So why am i posting now? Idk...am confused...he's not drinking, has decided to give his life to Christ donno if that's because I gave mine to Christ May 1st of this year or he's really serious about it. I don't trust him though, even though I dont want to judge him and say hes not saved. Anyway, we lost our home last month, got evicted because the rent was too high and I just couldnt afford it anymore with him not working. So now he found a job and he says he's changed, and i guess in some ways he has. He's not such an ass anymore and things have gotten a bit better but I still want out. I think the change is too late for me and now all he says is that I'm the one who's not willing to give it a shot now that he's not drinking anymore. He says am doing what he did before i.e fighting not to be with him, and telling him that I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, somehow it's my fault that am unforgiving (which btw i couldn't possibly be saved if I can't forgive him). I see that as selfishness because he always sounds like he's minimizing the things he put me through. I don't want to be with him but I don't seem to have the strength to leave. Idk if am afraid of being alone or is it that I'm so enmeshed with codieness that I cant see that am headed to hell in a handbasket if I stay with him?? Losing our home was the last straw for me, he hasnt managed to keep a job since we've been together and then as soon as I say am leaving, I've had it NOW he wants to change? Can get a job and actually keep it? I've managed to ask a coworker if my son and I can stay with her till I can find a place of my own and she has said yes, but when I told him this he says I should help him get back on his feet and that he never left me in the past even though he always threatened to ( I wonder where he would have been going in the throes of his alcoholism but I digress). He just makes me feel so guilty for expressing my needs and for being honest. I may have found a new place for my son and I (I find out today) and I'm determined NOT to take him there with us. I'm tired, I need some peace and quiet and I honestly think that even if we were to be together again, I still need this time to myself otherwise am full of resentment and so much anger and bitterness about what I have let my life become. I think am rambling but I just have to get this stuff out. I had a talk with my son yesterday and he said that he's happy that he won't get to see me sad anymore when we move to our new place. That's more than good enough for me. Whew! Writing this all down now makes me see how manipulative he still is. It's all about him, his daughter won't be able to visit this summer because guess what? he doesn't have a place to stay and I wont let him stay with me at the new place till the summer is over, well, tough s***....without me she wouldn't have made it here for the past four summers, I paid her way each summer she came here and still got cussed at for it and not once was there a thank you. Whew!! when I started this thread I wans't sure what to do...believe him and this new change or stick to my plan and leave...but writing this all down is soo therapeutic and i feel so much better. Your es&h ia always appreciated and as usual SR family
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 71
Hi limbogal,
I was confused by this line: Does this mean that you do eventually plan on letting him come back to stay with you?
You're not selfish. Not in my opinion anyways. Has he lived up to all of those promises he made? So what that he got a job? He waited until after the straw broke the camel's back. After you got evicted.
I'll tell you, I had so much peace once I was away from my XABF. Granted, they were different circumstances -- but still. There is nothing like having your own space and peace of mind. My apartment is my piece of cloud nine.
Having a place to stay is a need in life. He deprived you of that need. He sat back until that need was gone. He could have gotten a job at McDonald's to help out and it would have been better than just doing nothing.
As far as I can see, you gave him the chance to get back on his feet. You flew him back to where you live. You let him stay with you, rent-free. You probably fed and clothed him. You helped him take care of his daughter. He had that chance and he blew it.
Your priority is to you and your son. Fingers crossed that you get that apartment!
I was confused by this line:
he doesn't have a place to stay and I wont let him stay with me at the new place till the summer is over
You're not selfish. Not in my opinion anyways. Has he lived up to all of those promises he made? So what that he got a job? He waited until after the straw broke the camel's back. After you got evicted.
I'll tell you, I had so much peace once I was away from my XABF. Granted, they were different circumstances -- but still. There is nothing like having your own space and peace of mind. My apartment is my piece of cloud nine.
Having a place to stay is a need in life. He deprived you of that need. He sat back until that need was gone. He could have gotten a job at McDonald's to help out and it would have been better than just doing nothing.
As far as I can see, you gave him the chance to get back on his feet. You flew him back to where you live. You let him stay with you, rent-free. You probably fed and clothed him. You helped him take care of his daughter. He had that chance and he blew it.
Your priority is to you and your son. Fingers crossed that you get that apartment!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 45
It's all about him, his daughter won't be able to visit this summer because guess what? he doesn't have a place to stay and I wont let him stay with me at the new place till the summer is over,
Sorry about that....I meant that he's blaming me for his daughter not being able to visit this summer because he won't have a place to live and so she cant come.
I am truly done...even when he pleads and begs and professes his love for me all I can think is that it's a little too late for all that. I'm so wounded that no matter what he does at this point it doesn't mean anything to me. Not to mention that when we got evicted I lost everything because I didnt even have enough money for storage for my stuff. All I have now are our clothes and my son's toys and pictures. I now they're all material things but they were mine and I worked damn hard to get them...
Sorry about that....I meant that he's blaming me for his daughter not being able to visit this summer because he won't have a place to live and so she cant come.
I am truly done...even when he pleads and begs and professes his love for me all I can think is that it's a little too late for all that. I'm so wounded that no matter what he does at this point it doesn't mean anything to me. Not to mention that when we got evicted I lost everything because I didnt even have enough money for storage for my stuff. All I have now are our clothes and my son's toys and pictures. I now they're all material things but they were mine and I worked damn hard to get them...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
limbogal, it sounds like your life and your son's life will be greatly improved by removing this guy from it. Then, you will have the space and time to work on yourself and understand why you were unable to put yourself and your child as first priority. unless you learn from this--you will be as great risk of repeating the same thing with someone else.
Your son's statement tells a powerful thruth!
good luck in carrying out your plan.
dandylion
Your son's statement tells a powerful thruth!
good luck in carrying out your plan.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 71
Since when is his daughter your responsibility? You didn't help make her; he did. It's not your fault he has nowhere to stay; it's his.
He's going to beg and plead. It's worked every time in the past. Stay headstrong. He'll have to step up and either sink or swim.
I'm sorry to hear about losing all your stuff. Trust me, I know that even though it's just stuff; it's not just stuff. It's part of who you are. Try to get back on your feet, and you can get new stuff.
He's going to beg and plead. It's worked every time in the past. Stay headstrong. He'll have to step up and either sink or swim.
I'm sorry to hear about losing all your stuff. Trust me, I know that even though it's just stuff; it's not just stuff. It's part of who you are. Try to get back on your feet, and you can get new stuff.
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