firebolt

I told him I loved him but this is an unhealthy relationship. I told him I cant live like this forever. I told him I'm becoming unhappy. I told him I don't feel like I have a partner and that I can't be happy when vodka comes before everything. I said I dont feel respected...that drinking makes a liar of him...and that my hellhole of a job with an alcoholic boss is sometimes peace for me after weekends with him. I told him I dread the activities I love...evenings..weekends......camping...time with family...and that I cant live that way.

he stared at me for a long time and then said" all he ever wanted is for me to be happy and if im not then I need to do what I need to do"

and hes right.

I said "this is sad." He said "yeah...kinda sad." And then he walked away and that was the end of the conversation.

And now I feel torn apart. And lost. He loves drinking more than he will ever love me. I dont know what to do with myself right now. This is so painful.

thanks for being here and listening.

DoubleBarrel

That really sucks.

But you are doing what is best for yourself, and that is the healthy thing to do.
You don't need to sacrifice your life for someone else.

LoveMeNow

I don't believe an alcoholic or addict loves their DOC more then us. Their brain has been changed, been hijacked.

He isn't ready to stop yet, it's not personal but it can certainly feel that way if you allow it.

Time to focus on you and what makes YOU happy and healthy.

sadielady

You are brave and true for doing that. Remember that, I imagine amidst all the pain from his choices and reaction, a part of you knows deep down how true you were to yourself and how right that fits.

I am so so sorry for the pain you must feel that he chose alcohol. I recently lost my exABF when I decided to walk away after he too chose alcohol -- over me and our relationship, but even more importantly, over himself and saving his life.

The amazing people on here have helped me see that there really wasn't a choice, not the rational kind you or I would imagine in this situation. If he isn't caring for himself and trying to recover, the only thing he can and will do is drink.

He was telli f you with his response. He may beg or plead for you to stay anyway. But as my therapist says (and I love the gut wrenching reality of this), the truth always reveals itself.

I send you hugs, cause this is a very sad, hard place. But there is also light in it. Light for how brave and true you were. Be good to yourself tonight, tomorrow.

jmartin

It may be a small consolation, but at least he is honest, and your path is clear, there is something to be said for that. My AW begs for another chance, gets "serious", goes to AA meetings, then after a few months relapses again. It would be comical if I didn't keep giving her chance after chance.

It is sad, I am sad for you, I know what it is like to be grieving for the loss of a life partner -who stands right before you and yet cannot seem to choose sobriety, no matter what is at stake. It is maddening, baffling, and yes, sad as anything.

BoxinRotz

When reality hits him, it will be to late.

Your reality is FRONT & CENTER right now.

I wish I could say I have no clue what you are going through but I can't. It's hard to look the person you love in the eye and say, I'm done! I know when I told AH, I don't need YOU!!! It was empowering AND it made him think, OMG... what is happening? He was stunned!

But, if your man was drunk when you told him, it hasn't hit him yet or, he just doesn't give a rat's ass.

firebolt

Thanks everyone. Yes at least hes honest. The codie in me wanted to push and push and try to get him to lie to me and say he'll stop...but thanks to this place and alaNon...I just listened..and hopefully tomorrow still actually heard what he said to me tonight.

Im sleeping in the spare bedroom tonight. Looked for rentals in the paper and on craigslist (for the umpteenth time in almost 3 years)and there is NOTHING for a responsible gal with a dog and 2 cats. I'll keep looking .

I shouldn't even be crying around here...I have it easy. Not married (although that dream up in smoke is a kick to the gut) no kids..(ill miss his dog) , and he owns the house (ive put a small fortune into it as my future investment). Im getting off A LOT easier than many in here.

Im just so thankful for you all. Never even see your faces but you all know more about me than most...and its so much comfort and relief to be able to spill my guts (and tears) here. Thank you.

bradychi

It kills you when you realize that he cant love you. I have found that realizing that it really isn't personal and there is nothing wrong with me helps me feel a little better. You deserve to be loved like you love him.

firebolt

He wasnt drunk. He had a couple. Which is what sent me to where I am.

Hes been on a bender lately (a half gallon ever 2 days rather than every 3 or 4 days _ gawd I feel like an idiot.) I asked him for 1 day without. 1 day we could enjoy together without being buzzed. He made it til 6 tonight. I left miffed..got a paper..took my dog to the river. Looked for rentals. Then had the talk. I really dont think he gives a rats ass. 3 years....we were "so in love"....and I honestly think hes just like "well I can drink I. Peace now."

dandylion

Firebolt, realistically, if he is drinking this much--he can't go a whole day without withdrawl symptoms. He can get in serious trouble going cold turkey.

Just so that you know......

dandylion

brightstar43

Firebolt I know how you feel and how painful. My relationship broke up 10days ago due to his drinking. It's hard to accept but drinking is their number 1 priority. I felt like I was involved with a married man! (And I would never be interested in someone married!) it's crazy. Be very gentle with yourself and just take baby steps. What's helping me is planning my day and not being alone for too long. I have lost myself; that's what happens but do you know something; I will find myself again, I will not let someone destroy me......and that's what alcoholics do, they don't mean to but they hurt those closest to them to preserve their first love...their drinking. Stay strong you can do this.

OnawaMiniya

I'm sorry you feel sad. You were true to yourself. It's always so sad when you are done with a relationship. As dandylion pointed out to me recently, the stress relief from removing alcohol/alcoholic from your life will bring peace. I'm not there yet, but that's where I'm going in all likliness. It would take a miracle.

Nothing worth doing is easy, I suppose.

I'm proud of you.

Sending lots of hugs, strength, and peace to you.

Take good care of yourself, honey.

mv6348

Hi, Firebolt!

It is a process and trust me when I say this, it takes time to heal.

You are brave because you did and want a change even when you recognize how painful it is. Your brain will want to ask many questions or comments such as, "will he ever come back? ", "I will miss his dog", "How is he doing?, "I miss him!".... My advice, let your brain talk, write it out, and do your best to focus on you. People will tell you no contact. Truth to be told, it didn't work for me as it stretched the pain and diverted my energy and purpose in so many ways. YOU have to find what works for you!

SR really helps! Reading and writing to all of these strangers have helped me a lot. I also go to a doctor. Al Anon didn't work for me, but it could for you. You just have to find WHATEVER works for you and try out everything.

This is just the beginning of a recovery for you. It will not be easy, and you need to surround yourself with people that love you. Support is critical and even when you feel that you are DEEP DOWN ROCK BOTTOM, you have to realize that you are doing this because you love yourself.

I am certain he is a good man, but he has a disease and he needs to take care of it, not you. The alcoholism is not your fault nor your responsibility. Just like my doctor says "At this moment you will learn how to care for me in your heart, but not having him in your life" It is certainly hard, but you will have to do what is best for you!

I promise you, everything will make sense at some point.... In the mean time do things that will slowly, but surely, help you in your recovery.

OH, and one last thing... you can cry, complain at ANY time... yes, you may have it different from others, but you still have it!!! Everybody is being affected...differently, but we are all hurting.
BIG BIG BIG HUGS!!!!

firebolt

Dandylion - he can go a day or 2, but you're right - the foot itches, shakes, insomnia all kick in pretty fast for him. If he actually quit, it would have to be at a hospital Unfortunately, I don't think he thinks he's sick, or if he does, he doesn't want to get better.

wicked

I am sorry firebolt.
You are right, he is not ready to get well.
But, you are.
And right now, all that matters is you.
My bottom was the threat of my children being taken away, being dishonorably discharged, or both.
When they said, "do you want to go to treatment for six weeks?"
I was afraid, but excited too. (I did not want to leave my young children, and I
realized it was leave them for a short time now, or risk losing them forever.)

You are worth any man's full attention. One hundred percent.
He is incapable of being any kind of partner for you.
He cannot choose alcohol over you, he is choosing alcohol over withdrawal now.
For his sake, I hope he chooses recovery soon.

For your sake, you have started recovery already by coming here.
There are lessons to be learned, and if you learn them now,
they will keep you from getting the same pain over and over.

I am trying to look at my life from a different perspective,
as in, what am I doing to get out of my own way?
What can I do for me to improve myself or my life?
And, am I putting obstacles in my path because of fear?

Oops, that was about me.
Okay, I shared my experience.
The hope is, you will get better.
Once you decide to get better, every decision from now on will be based on that.
Today, I will do something to get closer to the life I want.
What do you want firebolt?

Beth

firebolt

Thanks, Beth.

I want to quit smoking - AGAIN. I want to get in the best shape of my life at 36. I want to spend more time with my family (pains me how i've hidden from them the last few years a bit because I didnt want them to be around ABF on an "off" day.) I want to fish more, camp more, hike more, and chop up an ugly old motorcycle into something beautiful - all without the "help" of a drunk. I understand I can't do any of these things (happily) with him.

Long term, I NEED to change my job. Been with A Boss for 8 years - friends for 15. I need the alcoholism out of my close proximity. That will be hard. She pays me better than I'll be able to do anywhere else in town, plus great beni's...I'm worth it, but shes also paying for putting up with the chaos. It's just not worth it anymore.

Thanks again - I just need to focus on this, and "to get out of my own way."

firebolt

Sorry in advance - my mind is racing and this in gonna be long.

Yesterday was really difficult. I was anxious, nauseous, couldn't eat, and didn't sleep the night before. I was up and down all day - and by up, I mean not panicking, crying or wanting to puke.

I took a crying, venting mountain drive with by best girlfriend last night. Then slept. Ate this AM, and I feel better today. Positive, even.

ABF is ANGRY. Won't say a word to me - drinking - sucked into a video game. OK - he needs to deal in his way too I guess.

Last night, I asked my HP for peace, wise decision making, and maybe a shove in the right direction if He had time.

This morning, I had a dream (i usually don't chalk things up to "signs from God" but I'm in a particularly spiritual place right now - being in turmoil and all - sad, but that's when God and I seem to know eachother best.)

My dream was about me and this guy from high school that I haven't seen in years, but we are Facebook friends. He was a great kid growing up - all around helluva guy. He is a very religious man, now (I am fairly religious so when I say very religious I mean his FB posts are about God - listens to Christian rock, the whole 9 yards) - good for him! Happy - married with a beautiful family. Played pro football for a while, got injured and retired, and now travels to third world countries on mission trips to help kids, and does motivational strength demonstrations for kids at their school. Generally, I just respect the hell out of him - he's leading a great life.

In my dream, he and I were driving around in an old VW Golf (i'm a gear head, I remember cars in dreams ALWAYS lol.) We were driving around to all these different parties collecting broken stereo equipment so we could have some sort of positive rally event and we needed a loudspeaker system. The drunk people at each party had smashed the stereo and speaker systems at each one. We were going from party to party collecting pieces of amplifiers and speakers so we could put together a working system. While we were picking up the pieces - big and small, he kept saying "the drunks - they just smash everything. They don't know they are doing it, and they don't mean to do it, but they just keep breaking everything that is good and working. "

At the end, we had a VW full of broken pieces. We took them out and started trying to build a sound system. Some pieces were big and nice and looked like they would be workable, and some were small and completely wrecked and wouldn't hold together or even hold to the big pieces. Not matter what we did, we couldn't get all the pieces to hold together. He said again "drunks - they just ruin everything, and we'll never make something that works out of everything here that's broken. "

I woke up with goosebumps, and a painful and profound feeling of my life with an alcoholic being SO similar to the broken pieces of equipment. Some parts are nice and big and almost working, some pieces are just too small and broken to ever be worth anything - or to ever work well with the big pieces. I think the high school friend was there - just because I respect him enough to maybe listen. Who knows. - But I have some peace today, I am hoping to make wise decisions, and I feel like I have a shove in the right direction.

I went into our room this am to get ready for work, and the stench of rotten vodka almost made me gag. After 2 nights in the other room, it's hard for me to believe that i was sleeping in that. Ish.

Thanks for listening SR.

Shellcrusher

Pretty heavy dream. I too have a very religious friend from the old days. She pops into my dreams occasionally and I tend to take it the same way you did.

I haven't followed your story so help me out here. Your situation is with a boyfriend?

spiderqueen

Yes, don't minimize your sadness, your grief. Deal with it directly, like with counseling, friend support, whatever you need to face it. Otherwise, you might backslide into old habits, just to avoid it. At least the old pain is familiar, right? New, awful, seemingly bottomless loss might be worse?? NO, NO, NO! Anyway, that's my battle right now, not yours, maybe. I just want to say I understand, and I'm sorry.

firebolt

Yes - cohabitant boyfriend of 2.5 years - close friends for 6 years - acquaintances for 13.

Thanks Spiderqueen - I'm working on it. I get these sentimental moments...then I hop back on here for hard facts about alcoholism. For now, that seems to be getting me through the weak spots. Thanks for your understanding - it's so hard!