OnawaMiniya

The disgust I feel for this POS I allowed into my life is huge. There are real, REAL things happening in life right now, but God forbid that should make a difference. I'm actually proud of myself. I didn't take his bull****, wa snt even disappointed, not surprised, didn't feel the need to defend myself, just said,"no that's not true" and things like that. Don't even want to go into it right now. I'm just really tired. I should be able to count on his support right now but as usual is all about him. "Poor you. Guess what? It's not all about you. I'm not so co-dependent that I'm going to live like this forever. I don't say that to hurt YOU. With my health you know it'll be a nightmare for me to leave. I wouldn't put myself through so much just to hurt YOU. No, it's about ME. I wouldn't leave to hurt YOU, id leave to save myself."

Really, what is going on in life right now, his disgusting behavior and crack head like obsession are just magnified and it will be a miracle of he ever effing gets it.

I know after this period of turmoil is over, I have to focus on my health and get the eff away from this ¢¡|[*\]…

I'm not even surprised or disappointed anymore. The fact that he can't be decent no matter how serious the crap going on in life...Ugh. just repulsive. I'm proud that I talked to myself enough as to what to expect from him, which is nothing, literally nothing except a childish blame game where he takes no responsibility for anything, I talked to myself about it enough that I'm not surprised or disappointed. Now I'm just left repulsed. That's a good thing. Because I won't live in repulsion forever.

Needed to vent, thanks for listening.

Seren

I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time right now.

Please take good care of yourself!

dandylion

I know for a fact that when the alcoholism is removed from your immediate environment life is so much easier. Finally, there is room for some peace of m ind. There is nothing better!

dandylion

amy55

You know, sometimes the best conversations you can have is when you have them with yourself !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I always talked to myself, no one else was listening.

And here are some (((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) for you.

Argnotthisagain

Yeah! Good for you!!!!! You go, girl and you deserve better! Gonna have to work to make it happen but that's what we're all here doing, together!!! You can do it; together we can!

BoxinRotz

Hope you feel better soon. Living this way is hell.

bigbasscat

Hugs inbound.

OnawaMiniya

Thank you all so much for your kindness. This place is a life saver. And a sanity saver. Thanks for letting me vent. Hugs to you all. And wishes of peace.

Mightyqueen801

I agree with the poster who said that talking to yourself is sometimes a very good thing!

bobbysocks

hang in there! you can and will make it happen! and you will be so much better off!! here's supporting hugs for you!! ((((()))))

OnawaMiniya

Me too May as well, he's not up for any real conversation.

DreamsofSerenity

Here is a virtual hug!

I learned very early on that I could not count on my A, especially when I actually needed him. He was okay at listening to me vent about the little things, but when things happened to really upset me, he would just throw some Alcoholic tantrum about me not being there for him, and we'd end up in a huge fight. One time this happened when I had a bad cold, and I ended up with bronchitis which I am positive was from the stress. After that, I stayed away from him when I was either emotionally or physically vulnerable.

You are married to your A so I guess that is hard to do. Can you stay in a separate room and try not to interact with him? My advice is not only not to look toward him for support, but also to consider him a toxic presence that is undermining your mental and physical health. When you are unwell, you need extra space from him if at all possible. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh.

I hope you feel better, sweetie!

LexieCat

Here's a whole BUNCH of hugs ********************{Onawa}}}}}}}}}}}

Nothing is as lonely as living with an alcoholic.

OnawaMiniya

No, not harsh at all. Exactly right on. I was actually just thinking,"This would be easier to go through alone than with his selfishness constantly in the background."

I am lucky that he's in the kitchen cooking right now. We are too broke for alcohol but he was given the opportunity to obtain free beer. Awesome! I said something like,"Only ten so far?" which of course I shouldn't have, and he's actually trying to tell me he cooked with like half of them lol. Please.

The good news is I'm definitely getting better with making less comments that will just inflame his arrogance, and making less severe comments. And I was just reflecting on some of the things he has done to me, thinking how insane it is and how I just need to work towards leaving.

Just now he told me that he cleaned the waste out of some of the clams he was cooking...because I was like ,"oh yuck is that poop?" After he says he's going to freeze some for himself that haven't been cleaned bc he's "not above" eating that, and "I know you put yourself on a pedestal..."

Told him in not in the mood for his drunk bs and that if I put myself on a pedestal I'd demand to be treated better, wouldn't I?

Pedestal, here I come

I'm getting there.

OnawaMiniya

Thanks everyone

Hugs.