/What are you supposed to do?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lakeland,Fl
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/What are you supposed to do?
I knew my AW has been drinking although she has been claiming she hasn't.Through out the night I can tell she has but never see her drinking.As the night goes on she starts getting sloppy drunk and wants to argue,,about things that happened10 years ago.She denies but I have been at this to long I can tell somethings up after the first drink.I found her stash of beer today while she was at work,,18 nice and cold.Do I get rid of them ? Confront her about them ? Always complains she has no money,wont help with the bills but always has money for beer.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by Michael59 
I knew my AW has been drinking although she has been claiming she hasn't.Through out the night I can tell she has but never see her drinking.As the night goes on she starts getting sloppy drunk and wants to argue,,about things that happened10 years ago.She denies but I have been at this to long I can tell somethings up after the first drink.I found her stash of beer today while she was at work,,18 nice and cold.Do I get rid of them ? Confront her about them ? Always complains she has no money,wont help with the bills but always has money for beer.
Peace.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Throwing them out or confronting her won't help anything. Throw them out, she buys more. Confront her, you have a huge fight with all the typical alcoholic BS being thrown at you, and she becomes sneakier about where she stashes it.
You already knew she was drinking--the only additional information you have now is where she is keeping it. That doesn't really change anything, does it? Is her behavior any less acceptable today than it was before you had that information?
ALL alcoholics hide their drinking when they need to. It's garden-variety alcoholic behavior.
What are you doing for your own peace and serenity? It's up to you how long you put up with her behavior.
You already knew she was drinking--the only additional information you have now is where she is keeping it. That doesn't really change anything, does it? Is her behavior any less acceptable today than it was before you had that information?
ALL alcoholics hide their drinking when they need to. It's garden-variety alcoholic behavior.
What are you doing for your own peace and serenity? It's up to you how long you put up with her behavior.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
I'm guessing that even though you knew she was drinking, that actually FINDING IT still made your heart jump.
I struggle with getting my heart and my head lined up together.
I'm getting better at it though.
Post here often. It helps.
I struggle with getting my heart and my head lined up together.
I'm getting better at it though.
Post here often. It helps.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
I don't think you are supposed to get rid of her stash. I'm unsure about confronting her, but I'm going to guess no. I do know for certain however that you should get to Al Anon ASAP and work on getting clear about what your boundaries are regarding living with an active A.
The deal is she's drinking and trying to get in the way of it won't make her stop. It will just make her angry with you and your home life will turn into a war zone.
More experienced members will be along with more thorough advice. I am so sorry you are going through this. My initial reaction would be to pour all the booze down the drain and then scream at her. I can tell you from experience, that approach does NOT work.
The deal is she's drinking and trying to get in the way of it won't make her stop. It will just make her angry with you and your home life will turn into a war zone.
More experienced members will be along with more thorough advice. I am so sorry you are going through this. My initial reaction would be to pour all the booze down the drain and then scream at her. I can tell you from experience, that approach does NOT work.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Michael59
Always complains she has no money,wont help with the bills but always has money for beer.
They often sort of tend to be like bratty children for life.
================
As for the rest . . . just pick a windy day and go pee into the wind as hard as you can. It will give you about the same result.
Do you where/how/when Alanon is in your area?
That is probably your first/best step.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity
I didn't see Lexie had posted. Lexie, it's so funny, I always feel like if I give advice similar to yours, I've gotten an A on a test. 
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Michael, I suggest that you consider going to alanon--where those who have walked in your shoes understand what you are going through. You need a place to talk with others about what you are feeling and to offer support.
You will need to become clear about what is acceptable for you to live with--to clarify your own boundaries. At some point you will have to communicate with your wife about this, obviously. It is a good idea to get yourself clear, first. You cant control how she will react--or even predict with precision how she will react. Meanwhile, confrontations nd fighting with her will just exhaust you.
This is not hopeless and you will get through this--no matter how you are feeling at this moment. It will be a day at a time.....
You didn't cause it; you can't control it; and you can't fix it. Only she will be able to do that.
Keep posting and take an opportunity to read the wealth of information in the stickies at the top of this main page. There is a lot to learn!
dandylion
You will need to become clear about what is acceptable for you to live with--to clarify your own boundaries. At some point you will have to communicate with your wife about this, obviously. It is a good idea to get yourself clear, first. You cant control how she will react--or even predict with precision how she will react. Meanwhile, confrontations nd fighting with her will just exhaust you.
This is not hopeless and you will get through this--no matter how you are feeling at this moment. It will be a day at a time.....
You didn't cause it; you can't control it; and you can't fix it. Only she will be able to do that.
Keep posting and take an opportunity to read the wealth of information in the stickies at the top of this main page. There is a lot to learn!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Michael, do you go to Alanon? You might consider it if you haven't. You'll find a lot of support there. Here's a link to their site. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
You'll find links on the site for general questions about Alanon as well as for finding meetings near you (or finding telephone meetings if you live in a very isolated area and there are no in-person meetings nearby).
There is also a thread here at SR about Alanon: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html
Even if you don't agree with every single detail, you may still find a lot of help, education and fellowship there--every single person in that meeting is or has been in your shoes, and believe me, they understand!
Whatever you decide to do, please do take the advice here and get some support for yourself. Focus on YOU instead of her and the answers will start to become clear.
Wishing you peace and clarity today.
You'll find links on the site for general questions about Alanon as well as for finding meetings near you (or finding telephone meetings if you live in a very isolated area and there are no in-person meetings nearby).
There is also a thread here at SR about Alanon: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html
Even if you don't agree with every single detail, you may still find a lot of help, education and fellowship there--every single person in that meeting is or has been in your shoes, and believe me, they understand!
Whatever you decide to do, please do take the advice here and get some support for yourself. Focus on YOU instead of her and the answers will start to become clear.
Wishing you peace and clarity today.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: San Mateo, Ca
Posts: 52
I've found help at alanon, and through a friends and family group through the rehab facility the agf went through.
Confronting someone when they're under the influence is usually a losing proposition, but I won't tolerate alcohol in the house - if I find it, it goes.
Confronting someone when they're under the influence is usually a losing proposition, but I won't tolerate alcohol in the house - if I find it, it goes.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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The only advice I can give is to leave the stash and go find something to do to try to take your mind off it for a while. It does no good to pour it out or argue about it. It changes nothing and you will only be more frustrated.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
I'm so sorry, Michael, and I hate to say it, but I know exactly how you feel. Terrible memories (where's that brain scrubber???) of pouring expensive liquor out in a parking lot, feeling like a freak. Discovering later, of course, that it was totally pointless. There was more where that came from. I guess you can get rid of it if your rule is NO ALCOHOL IN THE HOUSE. The problem is, the alcohol COMES WITH THE ALCOHOLIC.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
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Originally Posted by Michael59
I found her stash of beer today while she was at work,,18 nice and cold.Do I get rid of them ? Confront her about them ?
Oh yeah Babes... I found yer sheet and I was like JACKPOT!!! 
Party of 1 here I come!!! I'm not an alcoholic but I love beer! lol (AH drinks vodka)
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If they are a chronic alcoholic they are going to head to the kitchen or bathroom to get their alcohol. There are many products that have alcohol in them that, when desperate, an alcoholic will consume. It is far common than people think. That's why when one enters rehab they check everything.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: NC
Posts: 199
Have you two previously come to an agreement that there would be no alcohol in the house? Is so, what were the consequences for that? If you've already set boundaries then you need to discuss it with her when she is sober. If not, then I wouldn't pour it out. I would tell her I found it though and set some firm boundaries if you don't want her drinking at home. Of course, she can always leave the house and go out and drink, which is a big problem because of drunk driving. Unfortunately there's no easy answer.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 102
Originally Posted by Justfor1
If they are a chronic alcoholic they are going to head to the kitchen or bathroom to get their alcohol. There are many products that have alcohol in them that, when desperate, an alcoholic will consume. It is far common than people think. That's why when one enters rehab they check everything.
As others have suggested, try Alanon. I found it off-putting at first, but stuck with it and have found it very helpful in keeping me focused on taking care of myself and trying to avoid getting sucked into the swirl of her drama. It is a day-at-a-time process, there is no quick fix, but I wish I had gotten it sooner, instead of spending ten long years in an endless tug of war with an alcoholic who claims to want to quit but just can't ever quite seem pull it off.
As others have said, you can't make her do anything - you can ask her to consider getting help, but if she won't, you are faced with deciding what you are willing to endure. Wishing you the best...
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lakeland,Fl
Posts: 36
Thank you all for all the support.Once again SR has gotten me through a really wrong time.Things may not have gotten better but I have.Thank you honeypig for the link to alanon.If I don't chicken out I will be going to my first meeting this morning.
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