MrsButler

I am so upset right now, I just cant stop crying.

Let me give you a quick back story.
My XRAH gave me a terrible time, he was never abusive but was always very neglectful of me and my daughter. a year after we separated, he was diagnosed with cirrhosis. That was 2 and a half years ago and he hasnt touched a drop since.
I am so proud of him and he is such a wonderful Father to our little girl now. Its too late for us to reconcile as I have moved on but he really is my very best friend. I was so sick with worry for him when he was diagnosed with the cirrhosis, we really didnt think he was going to make it and it makes me shudder when I think of those terrifying and emotionally draining days when he was in the hospital!

Anyway, fast forward to now. I recently moved into a new house and got friendly with my neighbor who I really hit it off with. we really enjoy sitting out on the patio, drinking wine and shooting the breeze. We had alot in common and she was very open about her issues and problems which there are many. I know she enjoys a drink as do I, but then I noticed red flags, like downing the wine real fast, never ever refusing a drink, leaving to go to the bathroom at her house and not coming back to mine because she forgot or passed out. Things like that.
She cant seem to hold a job down either as she will freely admit and she is really struggling financially so sometimes I will cook dinner for her, let her do laundry at mine and before i went on a trip last week i got her a few groceries and when i went over to give it to her she was visibly drunk. Thats when my suspicions were confirmed I think.
Anyway, she came over last night and we shared a bottle of wine (I know it sounds terribly enabling on my part ) she admitted to me she was an alcoholic, had been to AA and rehab. seriously the childhood this woman has had I am not surprised she turned to drink.
So today she comes home and announces she lost her job. she says she needs to drink to relax. But we have coffee and she very kindly gives me a ride to go food shopping. she waits in the car while i am in the supermarket, probably for a good 45 minutes. I come back and I can tell something is up. i can smell alcohol and she looks drunk. we get home and she admitted she was drinking vodka in the car!
She helps me unload the groceries from the car and says shes going home to nap. as she walks away I saw that she had wet herself.
I just burst into tears. I feel so very bad for her, this has upset me so much. I dont know if I am getting throwback feelings from what I went thorugh with my, but I am just so emotional about this and want to help her but she really does seem like a lost cause and I dont know if it just my co-dep feelings overtaking me or what.
wth is wrong with me? why has this upset me so much. I have only known her about 10 weeks but I am very fond of her, she is such a good hearted person.

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR!

I would have to agree that you are having a response based on what you have already gone through. You know how this could end...you watched your ex almost die. You know its serious.

Some of the coolest kind hearted people I've met are alcoholics (recovering). It doesn't make her a bad person, just a sick person.

My best friend died last fall from cirrhosis. I know I was enabling her in the end - to a small degree - but I too bought her groceries or "bought" items she was selling - knowing where the money was going. I did make it clear that I would help her help herself, and I loved her regardless, but she needed to help herself first and foremost. I offered to go to AA meetings with her if she needed that extra support.

But in the end, the decision to find help was hers and hers alone. And sadly, it was too late for her.

Be honest with your friend. Offer your support, without losing yourself in it. And please, don't let her drive you around when she is obviously intoxicated!

Good luck to you,
~T

Flicka57

I am sure this is bringing back memories for you and thus the reason for your strong emotions right now. Don't let this person despite your good intentions drag you back into that type of relationship right now. It will be difficult but you need to detach, you are too fragile right now to handle that. My heart goes out to you.

marie1960

I understand that you are fond of her.

But 10 weeks really isn't a very long time. You hardly know each other.

You already know where this is leading. Do you really want to travel that path again?

You can't save her my friend.

If you want more drama in your life, keep sharing wine/drinking with her, it will certainly happen.

Not intending to sound harsh or cruel, just keeping it real.

And I would be looking for another form of transportation to the store too.

MrsButler

Thank you all for your input. Yes I really need to take a step back. I just cant watch someone else I care about destroy themselves, I really cant.

And really I dont know her very well, best to cut it off before investing anymore into it.

But oh when I saw she had wet herself, my heart just broke and I was so overwhelmed with emotion. I was quite shocked because she seems to have her stuff together most of the time but shes had a really rough few days. Judging from what she has told me, it seems this is her pattern.

Just so sad. thanks for listening, it helped posting

bobbysocks

ditto! Well said!

DreamsofSerenity

I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all. It is so sad to watch someone destroy herself and lose so much dignity in the process. I am sorry you are going through that.