Lame!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 175
Addicts always look for sources of happiness outside of themselves (material possessions, affairs, drugs/alcohol, etc). To me, all of his new stuff is just a sign of how miserable he is. Don't let it bring you down too. I admire your strength and courage at this time and I'm sorry you're hurting.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 71
I'm right there with you, IAT. I can't imagine the physical pain you're going through right now, but I understand the other situation.
It's been six months since I split from my first XABF, and I still get flair ups of anger.
The thing that really gets under my skin is that he doesn't feel the loneliness I feel. He moved onto another woman before we even split (he denied it at first and we had to talk about it in a hypothetical sense).
"Hypothetically", according to him, she meant almost nothing -- even though he moved in with her shortly thereafter. "Hypothetically", he couldn't love anyone else the way he loved me (claims he still does, though I know better).
Trying to reason with him (before I wised up), I asked who he expected to take care of him (he's not as young as he used to be, and his health is slowly going down the drain). His family won't take care of him (though they'll be there to take the insurance, money and possessions he'll leave behind). This new woman won't take care of him. Know what he says? Surely, I'll take care of him.
Me. The woman who wasn't good enough for him. He gets to spend the remainder of his waking days (however many that may be) fluttering around like he's king of the world; and when he's falls off that pedestal onto his deathbed, I'm supposed to stop my life to make sure his departure from Earth is as comfortable and pain-free as possible?!
He moved on to this footloose, fancy-free lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I love my newfound freedom -- but it has come at a hefty price in more ways than one.
Know what helps me?
Like previously suggested, it's the fact in knowing that he isn't as happy as he seems. I know this man inside and out. He's told me out of his own mouth. To outsiders, he seems like he's on top of the world... and I know for a fact he isn't.
When the anger flares up, I remind myself of that. Your ex may have a new everything, but he has his same old ways and mentality. Believe it or not, true happiness doesn't come from all of those material things he has gained.
We all know what karma is, and she'll be back for your ex... for my ex... and for everyone that deserves it.
In the meantime, you, me and the rest of us in these shoes... we got to keep our heads up. We only get one life and we've got to make the most of it.
It's been six months since I split from my first XABF, and I still get flair ups of anger.
The thing that really gets under my skin is that he doesn't feel the loneliness I feel. He moved onto another woman before we even split (he denied it at first and we had to talk about it in a hypothetical sense).
"Hypothetically", according to him, she meant almost nothing -- even though he moved in with her shortly thereafter. "Hypothetically", he couldn't love anyone else the way he loved me (claims he still does, though I know better).
Trying to reason with him (before I wised up), I asked who he expected to take care of him (he's not as young as he used to be, and his health is slowly going down the drain). His family won't take care of him (though they'll be there to take the insurance, money and possessions he'll leave behind). This new woman won't take care of him. Know what he says? Surely, I'll take care of him.
Me. The woman who wasn't good enough for him. He gets to spend the remainder of his waking days (however many that may be) fluttering around like he's king of the world; and when he's falls off that pedestal onto his deathbed, I'm supposed to stop my life to make sure his departure from Earth is as comfortable and pain-free as possible?!
He moved on to this footloose, fancy-free lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I love my newfound freedom -- but it has come at a hefty price in more ways than one.
Know what helps me?
Like previously suggested, it's the fact in knowing that he isn't as happy as he seems. I know this man inside and out. He's told me out of his own mouth. To outsiders, he seems like he's on top of the world... and I know for a fact he isn't.
When the anger flares up, I remind myself of that. Your ex may have a new everything, but he has his same old ways and mentality. Believe it or not, true happiness doesn't come from all of those material things he has gained.
We all know what karma is, and she'll be back for your ex... for my ex... and for everyone that deserves it.
In the meantime, you, me and the rest of us in these shoes... we got to keep our heads up. We only get one life and we've got to make the most of it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
So sorry you are going through this. My AH also seems like he has a fantastic life now that the kids and I are gone. I get so angry sometimes I can hardly function. But I try to remember this is what he wants me to think. He is presenting a facade. He either truly believes it or it is more manipulation. Also he is not done with his addiction. He is still blaming "things" and replacing them rather than working on true recovery. It will fall apart and this time I dont have to be standing in the middle of it.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by iamthird 
I dont know if anyone out there can understand but my head/neck cancer is Stage 4 and I am on break from a very agressive combo of radiation and chemo. It is hard for me to feed myself and go to the bathroom let alone go file for divorce. I know it probably sounds like an excuse but it is my reality right now.
I think I just need to work on giving all this pain to my HP. Seems like the only way I can survive...
I think I just need to work on giving all this pain to my HP. Seems like the only way I can survive...
It sounds like you are hurting deeply on every level.
I am sorry that you feel so much pain.
((((((((((((((((((((Iamthird)))))))))))))))))))) sending you hugs, and prayers for strength and peace.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 115
Iamthird, no, you are wrong. You are first, in God's eyes. I am sure He has big things planned for you so focus on yourself and your purpose in life. One purpose, not limited to, is to be an inspiration to others here and elsewhere and show them/us how to get through difficult trials with grace and determination. So, when you get through this muck and see the other side, please change your name.
As far as "Iamthird," that may be optimistic if referring to AH, trust me. You may not even be on the radar screen. Alcohol, the other woman, maybe other women, the next thrill, money etc. may be further up the list than you. Knowledge is power: Know that AH's opinion of you doesn't define you. Hugs and a gentle kick, you go girl!
As far as "Iamthird," that may be optimistic if referring to AH, trust me. You may not even be on the radar screen. Alcohol, the other woman, maybe other women, the next thrill, money etc. may be further up the list than you. Knowledge is power: Know that AH's opinion of you doesn't define you. Hugs and a gentle kick, you go girl!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I have a test tomorrow (pt scan and ct scan) first time since last round of treatment. I am nervous. I am praying so much. I want so badly to be on the other side of my illness. Once I am on the other side of this, I feel like I can get stronger with regards to AH.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello, iamthird, and pleased to "meet" you 
I can understand, Iamthird, I understand exactly what you are dealing with. I have a cyst growing at the base of my brain, along with a few other health issues. I totally understand about being completely overwhelmed with just making it from one hour to the next.
You don't have to explain yourself, I know it is not an excuse.
I took the liberty of reading your previous posts, I hope you don't mind. I noticed that you have a pro-active medical team as they provided a home health nurse to help with the IV when you had an infection. If I am not being too forward, is your doctor aware of the huge amount of stress you are dealing with in regards to your husband?
The reason I ask is that stress, of any kind, just makes medical recovery much more difficult. If your doctor is made aware of all the extra stress it may be possible to have another home health nurse assist you with preparing meals. Over here where I live we have a program called "meals on wheels" that brings fully cooked meals to people who need them, your doctor would be able to arrange for something like that.
Do you have anybody from the American Cancer Society working with you? They are very good at finding resources in the community that can provide you that physical assistance you need for a few weeks while you recover from the chemo.
Basically, anything that is hard for you to do is something your medical team can assist you with, but they have to know about the additional stress you are dealing with above and beyond the chemo.
Am I making sense with all that?
Mike
Originally Posted by iamthird
I dont know if anyone out there can understand but ... It is hard for me to feed myself and go to the bathroom let alone go file for divorce. I know it probably sounds like an excuse but it is my reality right now....
You don't have to explain yourself, I know it is not an excuse.
I took the liberty of reading your previous posts, I hope you don't mind. I noticed that you have a pro-active medical team as they provided a home health nurse to help with the IV when you had an infection. If I am not being too forward, is your doctor aware of the huge amount of stress you are dealing with in regards to your husband?
The reason I ask is that stress, of any kind, just makes medical recovery much more difficult. If your doctor is made aware of all the extra stress it may be possible to have another home health nurse assist you with preparing meals. Over here where I live we have a program called "meals on wheels" that brings fully cooked meals to people who need them, your doctor would be able to arrange for something like that.
Do you have anybody from the American Cancer Society working with you? They are very good at finding resources in the community that can provide you that physical assistance you need for a few weeks while you recover from the chemo.
Basically, anything that is hard for you to do is something your medical team can assist you with, but they have to know about the additional stress you are dealing with above and beyond the chemo.
Am I making sense with all that?
Mike
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
I am so sorry you are feeling so down Iamthird. It hurts when you feel you are the one suffering and it appears he is moving on and seemingly happy. Just know looks can be VERY deceiving. It might help to know that everyone deals with pain and grief in a different way. Some surround themselves with material possesions and new gf's in hopes that the temporary happiness they feel will fill the pain and void that is deep down.
Books on "letting go" like Melanie Beattie "language of letting go" may be beneficial for you. I recently went to the "Hazeldon" website and see that they post a free quote out of the book everyday. Just focusing on yourself and the things you can control and change will help you to be more positive. You are what is important. Hugs to you for everything you have been through and are currently going through. You are stronger than you realize.
Books on "letting go" like Melanie Beattie "language of letting go" may be beneficial for you. I recently went to the "Hazeldon" website and see that they post a free quote out of the book everyday. Just focusing on yourself and the things you can control and change will help you to be more positive. You are what is important. Hugs to you for everything you have been through and are currently going through. You are stronger than you realize.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Spoke to dr. today and I should know by Thursday. Im still so angry. I keep praying for a positive result. I dont see how my husband could abandon me during this worst scary time in my life. I hated having to endure everything on my own and I am so scared of having to do more treatment alone.
I dont know how any human being can do what hes doing and live with himself. I know I shouldnt even think of these things but it is what is on my mind. What man lays his head down at night knowing his wife, mother of his daughter is suffering? He is so far removed from the man I fell in love with that used to be protective of me! Alcoholism is cunni g and baffling alright...
I dont know how any human being can do what hes doing and live with himself. I know I shouldnt even think of these things but it is what is on my mind. What man lays his head down at night knowing his wife, mother of his daughter is suffering? He is so far removed from the man I fell in love with that used to be protective of me! Alcoholism is cunni g and baffling alright...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
iamthird,
I believe I understand how you must feel although you are dealing with things tougher than I have ever had to go through. It must be so very hard not to be resentful. I would feel the same.
He does seem to be acting as if everything is sunshine and lollipops- but inside I would think that any human would feel some remorse, guilt, etc. Doing what he is, may be his way of avoiding the pain of the situation. How selfish. there are many spouses in the world who help when times like this come.
I am praying for you. I believe you, that you will do so much better when the worry is behind you. You will be able to be so much stronger.
I am so sorry that it has been this way for you. No one deserves that. Karma is surely planning something for your husband. I would not want to be him.
try to rest, and have faith that your HP has a plan sweetie. It may not include that selfish person who hurts you so much with his lack of show of compassion. but when you are feeling better and stronger, I think you will be amazed at the strength you have developed.
You are in many thoughts and prayers.. you are amazing. just keep praying as we are too. put the anger away for now if you can..you can always revisit it , when you are feeling stronger.
hugs and prayers,
chicory
I believe I understand how you must feel although you are dealing with things tougher than I have ever had to go through. It must be so very hard not to be resentful. I would feel the same.
He does seem to be acting as if everything is sunshine and lollipops- but inside I would think that any human would feel some remorse, guilt, etc. Doing what he is, may be his way of avoiding the pain of the situation. How selfish. there are many spouses in the world who help when times like this come.
I am praying for you. I believe you, that you will do so much better when the worry is behind you. You will be able to be so much stronger.
I am so sorry that it has been this way for you. No one deserves that. Karma is surely planning something for your husband. I would not want to be him.
try to rest, and have faith that your HP has a plan sweetie. It may not include that selfish person who hurts you so much with his lack of show of compassion. but when you are feeling better and stronger, I think you will be amazed at the strength you have developed.
You are in many thoughts and prayers.. you are amazing. just keep praying as we are too. put the anger away for now if you can..you can always revisit it , when you are feeling stronger.
hugs and prayers,
chicory
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by iamthird
...Spoke to dr. today and I should know by Thursday. ...
Originally Posted by iamthird
... I dont know how any human being can do what hes doing and live with himself....
Originally Posted by iamthird
... I know I shouldnt even think of these things but it is what is on my mind. ...
What works for me is to give myself permission to be angry and think all those things for only 5 minutes, and get it all out of my system. There's days when those 5 minutes get done once an hour, and sometimes more than once an hour. The rest of the time I force myself to think of good things, just to keep my mind busy. In the worst case I just pray, over and over again, just to keep my mind focused on something positive.
And if you are not able to pray, then let us here on SR do the praying for you until you regain your serenity.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hoping everything goes good for you on Thursday. In a way I do know what you are going through. We were discussing divorce before I was diagnosed. After my procedures he told me he did what he had to, so that he would look good to family and friends.
Just try to take it easy, you are the one that matters here.
(((((((((((((many hugs))))))))))))))))
Just try to take it easy, you are the one that matters here.
(((((((((((((many hugs))))))))))))))))
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I think you have every right to be angry under the circumstances, no question.
I just hope you can channel that anger into energy for self care. I hate to think that anger you have at him is actually harming your health. That would be doubly unfair!
Praying hard for a positive outcome for Thursday!!
I just hope you can channel that anger into energy for self care. I hate to think that anger you have at him is actually harming your health. That would be doubly unfair!
Praying hard for a positive outcome for Thursday!!
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