AnvilheadII

ya wanna know the SECRET to whether someone is serious about recovery or not? when they stop TALKING and start DOING. when they abandon the alcoholic oath:

I'm Sorry
Please Forgive Me
It will NEVER happen AGAIN
talk is just squawk....noise to diffuse and disturb....

we live on a lake and have ospreys and eagles that come 'round. when they are on the hunt, there is NO doubt about their intentions...they hover above, they swoop and swirl and the DIVE after their prey. it is magnificent and silent. they have a purpose and have no NEED to announce their plan. they are unconcerned with the world around them....for the eagle there are always the attendant "murder" of crows, dive bombing, harassing, relentless...they are honed in on their goal.

recovery is the osprey, tucking its wing in close to its body, a missal now, a projectile diving in a straight line towards the water, seeing beneath the surface to the fish.

wicked

Yes, I hope you can do it, I am trying to open up to what is good and helpful for me.
I am right there with you.

Me too! I have to do something unrelated and when I am out of my own head and really being the "observer". Like maybe keeping an eye on the mystery of the missing sugar snap peas, will open your mind to what you need to do next in your life.
Or becoming super champ on BookWorm, watch out, it can be addictive.
mwahahahahaha!


I warned you.

jmartin

HP,
It sounds like you have a good plan in place. Your story sounds so familiar, the vague reasons given for major events (like job loss), the glib lying about things even when it serves no purpose, me hanging on for way too many years hoping that this time, promises will be kept. For me, the dishonesty is almost worse than the drinking itself, because it so completely destroys trust and my respect for my AW as a person, because it persists even when she is sober. Sorry for your troubles, but thank you for your strength. My AW is away visiting family for another week, and I cherish the peace I have while she is gone.

sadielady

Honeypig,

I'm coming in late and you've had soooo many good ideas and such wonderful wisdom here, I just wanted to add huge hugs and lots of support. I know that exact brand of disappointment, the idea of being so snowed by the lies and snookered for having believed them, like the rug is pulled right out from under you. So unfair, so sad, so hard to stomach, so many layers of mess. I send you love.

I agree with all these lovely people who say be good to yourself, center yourself, feel through this, and trust your instincts, your intuition that this feels wrong is speaking to you, let a little breath come in and steady yourself to see what that means for you. You sou d very wise and thoughtful yourself and I have a feinf you're going to be tuned into what you need next.

Hugs to you.

brownhorse

Hugs honey! I completely understand how hard this decision is to make! Only thing I can offer from my experience is when I left, I left and I knew I was never going back. I never regretted the leaving part. I have been lonely, sad, and scared. But, I never looked back. I felt at peace about the decision and was ready. I hope that helps. Best wishes to you.

peridotbleu

Hey HP!
I feel your pain. If they only knew how bad it hurts us...well, it probably wouldn't change a thing actually!
I understand and I am going through a similar situation, they figure out how much they can drink and us not know...it gets tiring! Why don't they just say they are not going to give it up and quit trying to hide it from us so that we can make a sound decision to get on with our lives instead of trying to trust them again and going through the disappointment of their lies and deceitfulness over and over and over again!! Wondering if they are ever going to get and stay sober...sure wish I had a magic answer.
Sending you hugs!!

Hope4happiness

HoneyPig, I'm so sorry for you AH's betrayal. Your story really resonated with me. My (now) X"R"ABF broke it off wiht me 2 weeks ago and I am still reeling. We started dating while he was still drinking, but started going to AA about a year into our courtship (and living together for 6 months). I found out he was an alcoholic after I confronted him about stealing one of my credit cards. He came home, handed me $300 in cash and told me he was an alcoholic, that he had hit bottom and needed help. He started going to AA the next day, went 3X a week (except when he travelled for work), got a sponsor, worked the steps - or so he told me. A week ago, I was convinced he was a dry drunk because the lying, hiding, poor money skills, bad decisions, didn't stop in his "recovery" - now, I am wondering if he was ever truly sober. He had plenty of opportunities to drink that I would never know about. Plus, my focus was on his ability (or inability) to manage his money, pay bills on time or at all, etc., I trusted that he wasn't physically drinking. I think what I have learned through these boards and Al Anon (just started attending 2 months ago, but wish I had 2 years ago when he first got "sober") is that whether he is a "dry drunk" or relapsing or never actually stopped, he is the only one who can truly know whether or not he is working the program AND the lying, hiding, risks will never go away. With that knowledge, I don't think I want that for myself. I deserve better than to always wonder when the next shoe is going to drop. And that is what it is like with an addict - recovering or not. I used to think that our relationship was "special" that we would defy the odds because he was strong enough to work the program and I was strong enough to support him. Now I realize that we weren't special - just another miserable addict/co-dependent relationship. I didn't have the strength to leave, and while I feel like I have a hole in my chest from where my heart once was, he did me a favor.

My therapist told me recently: "next time you hear fire alarms going off in your gut, don't get a ladder and take out the battery, RUN!" Lying, stealing, etc. are character defects that we DO NOT deserve in our relationships. Your AH sounds like he has serious character defects - unacceptable behavior is still unacceptable. And lying is unacceptable. I was only with my qualifier for 3 years and I wish I could get those 3 years back, but I am thankful that I don't have to spend a minute more in that destructive environment. Although it is hard and confusing, I now get to start putting the pieces of ME back together without even the temptation of worrying about him. Whether you stay and go later, or go now, you have a rich and wonderful life waiting for you. Don't make it wait for too long.