Closet Alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 4
Closet Alcoholic
Hi everyone,
I posted my story in the intro forums but was further directed to here. If you haven't read my post I'll sum it up for you.
My father is an alcoholic and substance abuser. He has beer after beer day after day. In fact, I don't believe I have ever seen him with out a beer in his hands. That never concerned me because I didn't pay attention to it, I was too young. My mother is a recovering alcoholic of 7 years, in the program for 11, which means my whole childhood (I am only 18) was spent in AA meetings by her side. Recently, it was brought to my attention that my father has been smoking marijuana every day faithfully for the last 20 years. He says he cannot function without his hit every few hours. This information was told to me by his ex wife. She also informed me of his drinking abuse. She brought me upstairs to his bedroom closet one afternoon when he was not home. We counted 7 empty whiskey bottles, and several other empties; vodka, rum, gin etc. I look at him more closely now, I've seen him go upstairs with a half glass of coke and come down with it full. My ex-step-mom has passed their issues onto me, saying that because they are no longer together it is up to me to help my father. This is a lot of pressure on me as I am not the confrontational person. Obviously I love my father very much but I don't know how to approach him on this. He is aware that I know about his usage/drinking but has not come forward in saying anything to me, neither have I said anything to him. I was hoping that by him just knowing that I knew would be enough to stop it. I found out about all of this 3 months ago, and it is finally hitting me, hard. I am extremely worried as he is known to get behind the wheel after a few. My mother used to be a member to this site and I would sit with her as she logged on daily, I know I can trust those of you that are reading this to offer me some sort of comfort and advice. Thank you to those who took the time to read this, it means a lot to anonymously speak about what has been going on.
I posted my story in the intro forums but was further directed to here. If you haven't read my post I'll sum it up for you.
My father is an alcoholic and substance abuser. He has beer after beer day after day. In fact, I don't believe I have ever seen him with out a beer in his hands. That never concerned me because I didn't pay attention to it, I was too young. My mother is a recovering alcoholic of 7 years, in the program for 11, which means my whole childhood (I am only 18) was spent in AA meetings by her side. Recently, it was brought to my attention that my father has been smoking marijuana every day faithfully for the last 20 years. He says he cannot function without his hit every few hours. This information was told to me by his ex wife. She also informed me of his drinking abuse. She brought me upstairs to his bedroom closet one afternoon when he was not home. We counted 7 empty whiskey bottles, and several other empties; vodka, rum, gin etc. I look at him more closely now, I've seen him go upstairs with a half glass of coke and come down with it full. My ex-step-mom has passed their issues onto me, saying that because they are no longer together it is up to me to help my father. This is a lot of pressure on me as I am not the confrontational person. Obviously I love my father very much but I don't know how to approach him on this. He is aware that I know about his usage/drinking but has not come forward in saying anything to me, neither have I said anything to him. I was hoping that by him just knowing that I knew would be enough to stop it. I found out about all of this 3 months ago, and it is finally hitting me, hard. I am extremely worried as he is known to get behind the wheel after a few. My mother used to be a member to this site and I would sit with her as she logged on daily, I know I can trust those of you that are reading this to offer me some sort of comfort and advice. Thank you to those who took the time to read this, it means a lot to anonymously speak about what has been going on.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
First, Welcome.
Let's see, how shall I say this?
I know . . .
TOTAL Crap, BS, Lie, USER, A-Hole, Dump-a-load on You pile of steaming . . . .
I guess that was sensitive enough?
Just because some dumps some crap on you does NOT mean you have to pick it up and take ownership of it.
Rather than "up to you" to take care of your father . . . It is up to you to Take Care of You after having grown up like this.
Gits your behind to Alanon, TODAY.
Whole other side of the coin that sitting through AA with your mom.
Originally Posted by Albumen 
My ex-step-mom has passed their issues onto me, saying that because they are no longer together it is up to me to help my father.
Let's see, how shall I say this?
I know . . .
TOTAL Crap, BS, Lie, USER, A-Hole, Dump-a-load on You pile of steaming . . . .
I guess that was sensitive enough?
Just because some dumps some crap on you does NOT mean you have to pick it up and take ownership of it.
This is a lot of pressure on me as I am not the confrontational person. Obviously I love my father very much but I don't know how to approach him on this. He is aware that I know about his usage/drinking but has not come forward in saying anything to me, neither have I said anything to him. I was hoping that by him just knowing that I knew would be enough to stop it. I found out about all of this 3 months ago, and it is finally hitting me, hard.
I am extremely worried as he is known to get behind the wheel after a few. My mother used to be a member to this site and I would sit with her as she logged on daily, I know I can trust those of you that are reading this to offer me some sort of comfort and advice.
Thank you to those who took the time to read this, it means a lot to anonymously speak about what has been going on.
I am extremely worried as he is known to get behind the wheel after a few. My mother used to be a member to this site and I would sit with her as she logged on daily, I know I can trust those of you that are reading this to offer me some sort of comfort and advice.
Thank you to those who took the time to read this, it means a lot to anonymously speak about what has been going on.
Gits your behind to Alanon, TODAY.
Whole other side of the coin that sitting through AA with your mom.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
It. is. not. up. to. you.
Period.
Hammer is right - don't pick this crap up. Sitting at those meetings, did you ever hear that 'you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it?' It's true! Nothing you ever did made him bring that half-full glass upstairs to fill it from the secret stash. Nothing you do will change his actions. He's a grown man and this is not your responsibility. Former stepmother is trying to get rid of her own feelings of guilt. That's not your responsibility, either.
Do you still live at home with him, or are you with your mom or on your own? If you're with him, are there any other options? If he goes down the tubes (again, NOT something you can affect!) you don't want to get sucked down with him. AlAnon, AlaTeen, come here, perhaps talk to your mom if that would feel safe for you...
Take care, Albumen. All of life is ahead of you - take care of yourself!!! You can't save him.
Period.
Hammer is right - don't pick this crap up. Sitting at those meetings, did you ever hear that 'you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it?' It's true! Nothing you ever did made him bring that half-full glass upstairs to fill it from the secret stash. Nothing you do will change his actions. He's a grown man and this is not your responsibility. Former stepmother is trying to get rid of her own feelings of guilt. That's not your responsibility, either.
Do you still live at home with him, or are you with your mom or on your own? If you're with him, are there any other options? If he goes down the tubes (again, NOT something you can affect!) you don't want to get sucked down with him. AlAnon, AlaTeen, come here, perhaps talk to your mom if that would feel safe for you...
Take care, Albumen. All of life is ahead of you - take care of yourself!!! You can't save him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Welcome to SR, Albumen (egg white? 
)
Man, 18 is young to have that placed on your shoulders; well, it's a burden at any age, but, oh, you're just starting out. It was totally unfair of your ex-step-mom to throw it at you. It's not your responsibility. At your age, you should be eagerly planning heading off to university or getting your own place, or hanging out with friends...
The 3 C's have already been noted, but they're so important to keep in mind:
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
Furthermore, you can't make your father stop drinking and you can't make him seek recovery. I'm not sure I have any experience to share in this situation (I'm here mainly related to my AXH, sometimes my mom's boyfriend and his family...) but support and hope I might be able to help with.
Click around the site and keep reading. There's a lot of great info in the stickies (threads at the top of the F&F forum list). I'm glad you're reaching out for support.
)Man, 18 is young to have that placed on your shoulders; well, it's a burden at any age, but, oh, you're just starting out. It was totally unfair of your ex-step-mom to throw it at you. It's not your responsibility. At your age, you should be eagerly planning heading off to university or getting your own place, or hanging out with friends...
The 3 C's have already been noted, but they're so important to keep in mind:
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
Furthermore, you can't make your father stop drinking and you can't make him seek recovery. I'm not sure I have any experience to share in this situation (I'm here mainly related to my AXH, sometimes my mom's boyfriend and his family...) but support and hope I might be able to help with.
Click around the site and keep reading. There's a lot of great info in the stickies (threads at the top of the F&F forum list). I'm glad you're reaching out for support.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 160
Big hugs to you, Albumen, and rabbitpunches to the kidneys of whoever tells you this malarkey. Now that you are 18, what EXACTLY are you supposed to able to do to fix your da that the other adults haven't been able to accomplish in 20 years or more? The only superpower you have at 18 is the ability to have the type and degree of relationships that YOU choose, and this includes with your father. You get to pick what advice and counsel to listen to, (and may I just say, the ex-step may NOT be in the best position to put the guilt-trip on you to do what she didn't want to stick around and deal with?) This doesn't make the choices any easier, just know that you DO have the right to decide for yourself.
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