Doubts about the future
 

Hello everyone. I am really confused about choices that I must make and that will affect my future, and I think that sharing will help.

Next year I will move to a different country to attend graduate school (I will stay for 4 years). Me and my boyfriend have always planned moving there together. We've been living together for 2 years now. He has been an alcoholic for more than ten years now (he started quite young unfortunately) and he has tried to quit several times without success.

Recently he is using medication and it seems to help extend the intervals between his drinking, but every time the medication effect wears off he drinks again until he is unconscious or at least in his "alcoholic personality" which really makes me uncomfortable.

I learned to detach myself whenever he drinks (thanks to SR forums too) and the situation is better now (and as a plus it is also helping him indirectly to become more serious about not drinking) but still I become very anxious, worried about him, and sad whenever he drinks.

Even though I tell myself that things have gotten a little better in recent months, the fact is that serious problems still happened during those months (accidents that ruined our work equipment, him passing out on the couch two days drunk in a row... drinking whenever I go to visit my parents on the weekend..)

For him to move with me to a different country we would have to get married, so he would have a visa (in my country our current legal situation would do, but not where I'm going).
We embrace this idea as a very natural next step, as we truly love each other and are serious about our relationship. We have a lot of plans for the future, we would like to be a family, we want to save so we can buy a house of our own. Inside I want to do this, I want to have him by my side.

However, I can't get this question out of my head: what kind of a choice am I making for myself, by knowingly marrying an alcoholic man? It haunts me every day.
When he doesn't drink he's such a wonderful person, so rich in feelings and kind, good-natured.. However alcoholism brings out his rude, bad-tempered side, his impatience, makes him anxious even when he doesn't drink..

I feel like I would like to be with a person who would be supportive and kind to me most of the times, with whom I would feel no anxiety. And i would like that person to be him.

I feel like I know what the wise decision is, but I just postpone it indeterminately into the future... and then months go by and the future "is here", and things just haven't changed.

The strange thing is that what hurts me the most when I think about this doubts is imagining him here at our place alone, his pain and solitude, having to look at the things we built together (we actually work together and spend most of our days side by side) with me gone.
Of course I would feel the same, but imagining my pain just doesn't make me as sad as thinking about his. I've felt this before in other situations, is this normal?

It just seems that leaving him would be such a cruel act, a treason to our beautiful love that I cherish with all my heart... And I just can't get past this contradiction.

Sorry for the long post, I look forward to reading you. All the best to everyone.

The strange thing is that what hurts me the most when I think about this doubts is imagining him here at our place alone, his pain and solitude, having to look at the things we built together (we actually work together and spend most of our days side by side) with me gone.
Of course I would feel the same, but imagining my pain just doesn't make me as sad as thinking about his. I've felt this before in other situations, is this normal?

It just seems that leaving him would be such a cruel act, a treason to our beautiful love that I cherish with all my heart... And I just can't get past this contradiction.

It's co dependency honey.

I would venture to say that 90 percent of us feel this way, it is what kept me in it so long, but staying in it, never changed a thing.

Sometimes the most loving thing to do is walk away.

it's a very bad idea to marry this man, he is an alcoholic. He causes you pain.

That's not love sweetie, it;s something different, something dark.

parallel, if you want to REALLY see what a treason to beautiful love is--spend some time reading the posts of others on this forum who have tried living with an active alcoholic.

Beautiful dreams of picket fences fade like the morning mist in the hot sun when combined with the realities of alcoholism.

respectfully,
dandylion

Thank you for your insight.
I guess I should read in more, absorbing some truth from SR forums has been helpful before...

I thought I had gotten over my codependecy which was so heavy earlier, but apparently it still is here.

About the pains of living with an active alcoholic, I've experienced quite a range, but somehow I am still dellusional about the whole situation for some strange reason... I hope I can change myself and how I feel, that I can get "sober" emotionally too.

Thank you for your posts, p.

Don't have anything to add to what the others have said. Just wanted to say I agree with them. I'm sorry. I know it's painful.

Even more painful is living in an illusion and having your heart broken over and over and over again.

You might also want to consider the complications that would ensue if you are married, living in a foreign country together, and decide you can no longer live with the madness. You would be all stressed out over the fact that you brought him across the country, where he probably doesn't have any support system, not to mention the complications of trying to divorce in a foreign country (there are a couple of people around here who have had those international complications--and they aren't pretty).

Think about this possibility--you go by yourself, he stays here, and you see how the situation looks when you get back. My guess is that you will not want to sign on for a permanent legal connection if he is still drinking at that point. Much better than having to extricate yourself from a marriage.

You are putting your thoughts into what you think your AB is feeling or thinking. From my experience with an A they are totally taken up by their disease and that's where there pain comes from and that shouldn't affect your choice to live the best life you can and if that may mean living without an active or not in recovery A.

25 years ago I was oblivious to how my H was affected by alcohol and life was good as I think I was probably not codependent then. After 15 years it became worse and worse and I probably became more codependent and was losing myself. It's taken me 10 long years to become aware, accept what is and take action to gain myself back.

You are already questioning the effect you AB disease has on you. It only gets worse.

How exciting to be going to a new country and studying in graduate school. Good luck to you. The world is full of possibilities.

"However, I can't get this question out of my head: what kind of a choice am I making for myself, by knowingly marrying an alcoholic man? It haunts me every day." (parallel)

^^^^^^^^^^

This my friend, is your gut instinct at work.

It would serve you well to listen to your inner voice.

Hope you continue to educate yourself about addiction. Best to know all the facts before you commit yourself to a life with an active addict.

Have to agree with Lexie, go take care of YOU, and complete your education.

Secure your future.

You are going to need to be very self sustaining if you choose to live your life with an active addict.

His current attempt at sobriety is nothing more than a band-aid, this horrible disease will not evaporate without his commitment to recovery. Currently his actions are saying, he simply is not ready to commit to recovery.

Ask yourself this question, if today, is as good as it ever will be, is that an acceptable life?

The actual percentage of people that recover is low, very low, here to say I gambled and lost, and it's been a painful journey to reclaim my life.


And it sounds like an amazing life awaits you!

There are not 2 men here. The wonderful guy and the A are one person, and as time goes by you will see less and less of the wonderful guy. It IS a progressive disease, it only gets worse over time. So imagine it progresses (it will), and he is in a new country with NO support except you. By trying to be the good guy and taking him with you, you have now made things worse.

You have a bright future ahead of you, and you have every right to make decisions that support that future. Your BF has the right to make his own decisions about his future. If he wants to drink, even though we know it's a poor choice, it is his choice. But you can decide that you want to go to grad school without the burden of alcoholism. That is your choice. Don't feel guilty for wanting the best for you.

Parallel I feel for you and also can identify with your feelings too. My relationship has ended due to my boyfriends alcoholism. For the last few months thoughts of the future with him have been the focus of my thoughts; I've asked myself countless times why I would want a committed future with him while he still needs to drink. The hard part is the fact that he is not a nasty drunk but his drinking caused problems due to the fact I always felt less important than the pub. I'm a member of al anon and the women who live with active alcoholism generally have to work their programme very hard. Your boyfriend is still young by the sounds of it but alcoholism is progressive and I think you would be taking a massive gamble on your future. I feel for you, it's so sad how alcoholism affects the people who love the alcoholic. The good thing is that you don't go until next year so you have time to gain more insight. Like yourself I have issues with codependency and being with an alcoholic triggers those issues and causes me to be affected greatly. I ended up obsessed with my relationship and the problems his drinking was causing me. When I look back its not normal for your thoughts to be mainly about your relationship. I can relate to the anxiety, worry and sadness you feel, I feel it too. That's what another's alcoholism does to the people directly involved. Listen to the wisdom of others on this forum, those who have lived the life that you are contemplating...it's helped me to come to my decision.

Parellel - That is a hard place to be in. I found the book codependent no more to be helpful. It is often recommended on this forum. I also really connect to the al anon statement that living with an alcoholic our thinking becomes clouded. Time apart at the start of your move could help clear your thinking and help you make a decision that felt right in your gut.