False hope or actual baby steps towards eventual recovery?
 

Here's the situation. After last weeks blow up, Mr. Wonderful and I were invited to brunch with a mutual friend who is moving out of state. The invitation is for this weekend and it's going to be at a local watering hole we frequent. Just the three of us are going. Mr. Wonderful, all on his own, asked our friend if we could relocate to a non-bar restaurant. I'm not sure if he is really making honest attempts to move towards a state of seeking recovery or not. He's still drinking daily, boxed win instead of his usual vodka. The other night I asked him if he wanted me to pick up any coke (cola) on my way home from work. He said no he wasn't drinking vodka anymore and didn't need the coke. I cracked a joke that coke was too strong for him and he needed to cut it with something to lighten it up, (admittedly in retrospect a bad joke), he got upset and said I shouldn't make fun of him, he's trying.

So is he really trying? I don't know. I guess I thought that if he was going to quit drinking it was an all or nothing kind of thing. The switch to another type just scares me into thinking it's only a matter of time until there are right back where we started.

On another note, if any of you want to come sit on my shoulder all day and tell me how to deal with this on a regular basis I would so very much appreciate it. :rotfxko

He did say he doesn't want me bringing it up all the time and let him deal with it in his own way. Guess that includes making bad jokes as an attempt to let him know I'm paying attention and that he isn't alone in this deal.

Leave the midwest for the fabulous mountains of colorado?
why, yes, I believe I could do that for you
(frantically looking for flights) :)
Tell him the big, bad, Beth from the Midwest, a real recovered alcoholic is coming, I don't listen to excuses!
:rotfxko

Well, I am sure (as a recovered alcoholic) it IS an all or nothing thing.
No alcohol, or any mind bending substances.
(I did smoke cigarettes and drank coffee like there was gonna be a prohibition, but no alcohol at all.)

I thought what you said was funny, but I have not had a drink in almost 17 years. ;)
You get to leave him alone, (if he does want support, he could go to meetings)
and work on yourself.
There is nothing you can say or do that will change what he does as far as drinking goes.
The good news about this is, you get to focus on yourself and take care of yourself.

Have you done any reading about codependency?
Melody Beattie has many great books about this issue and also how to work the program.
If that is not a good fit for you try to find another program for yourself.
therapy, one on one is great too.
I love the meetings.
I get something from everyone of them, try an open AA meeting.
You will learn a lot.

Beth

from the eastern edge of the midwest.

Sounds like he's trying to moderate. RAH did stuff like that too. Tried quitting several times. I'd say he's still in denial, but sounds like he may be starting to recognize that he may actually have a problem and is trying to prove to himself that he doesn't have a problem. More will be revealed.

Sorry. I'll be in the mountains. Specially if Wicked this way comes. ;)

Seriously. It sounds like he's "trying". Not be a downer but I've seen my AW "try" many times. Sometimes she's winning and sometimes not so much.

I do like to work on my own person though. That has a great impact on me and keeps me from wondering about my AW and that is a healthier route.

I did that sort of thing for four and a half years before I threw in the towel and quit. Yes, it takes some of us that long for it to sink in that NOTHING but quitting will work. It is a necessary part of the process for most alcoholics. My alcoholism progressed the whole time, and I was a lot more miserable when I finally quit than I was four and a half years earlier.

For some people, they can keep trying for decades until it sinks in or until they die. Hopefully sinking in happens first.

The question is how long you wait around, knowing it could be years or decades.

So, yeah, it's a step in the right direction, but don't get excited that anything big is imminent.

I personally find my jokes worthy of their own sitcom. He doesn't find them so amusing usually. The big question is how to support without interfering? My ideas is just to let him do his thing and be available should he wish to share. I just was really impressed that he passed up an opportunity to go to his favorite bar (honestly they have a stool with is name on it because of all the money we've spent there over the years) to go to a place that didn't serve alcohol at all.

Fedup, I would agree w/the other posters--you STILL need to keep the focus on you and your life. He will do or not do whatever he chooses regardless of what you do (remember the 3 C's). Tying your actions to his choices is just continuing to put him in the driver's seat and is your ticket to Crazyville, just more of what you've been living already.

Don't know if you're going to Alanon or not, but I strongly suggest it. Learn about and practice detachment and start heading yourself and your life in the direction you want to go. If time goes by (like at least a year of sobriety AND recovery, not just white-knuckling), then maybe you could start considering an actual partnership-type relationship w/him again, but up until then, you kind of need to look out for yourself and let him row his own boat, for better or worse.

It does sound like a step in the right direction, but you need to have a lot more time to see where this ultimately goes. I'm doing the same balancing act myself, and it's not easy to keep your wild hopes reined in, but I really don't want to go back where I was. I want to know w/some degree of certainty that BOTH of us have been working and making changes before I jump back in the pot...

Wicked- If you don't mind bunking with a couple of very needy and cuddly pups you're more than welcome!

Certainly not looking for the clouds to open up and the angels to start singing any time soon. But I suppose I'm just looking for any reason to think that he is moving in a positive direction rather than staying stagnant or regressing. From what I've read tho, this actions right now say that he will be back to his old levels soon enough, if not to a more severe level. The hardest part is letting go of control of the situation, I'm a little bit of a control freak, just ask anyone who works for me. The way I'm holding on to control right now is reading as much as I can and learning about what he's going through and how to get to where I need to be. Letting his recovery process be his own thing to manage, well as much as I can anyways.

It sounds like you're focusing the control part on you. That is a good thing.
Speaking of Control, it's part of a saying in these parts.

The 3 Cs.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

Yep, I agree that knowledge is power.
This is what I do too, someone in my family gets diagnosed with something, I am on it
like I have a research grant for it.
It does keep me busy and out of other peoples way. :)

:tyou
I have been waiting since November of 2009 for someone to say that!
:bananadan

^this is a special dancing banana! multidance!

I could handle needy puppies for sure!
Been there, done that!

Beth

I did chuckle at your "the soda is too strong" comment. Couldn't help it. ;)

Just be on guard, don't get your hopes up. I hate to say that. I really do.

I hope so much that he gets sober. Good luck.

Doggies? Yay!

I love doggies!

:: realize what a nerd I am and back out of room backwards, slowly::

Well. Of was short lived. He bought a bottle of vodka tonight. His choice. Whatever.

I'm so sorry, Hon.

I know...

On another note, on your post "great news everyone" I envisioned professor farnsworth. I'm a big nerd too :)

LMAO I'm watching Futurama RIGHT NOW! Ha! He does say that doesn't he? Lolol.

How are you feeling?

I'm so sorry Fedup.... ((((((hugs)))))) Hang in there.

It is what it is. He has to decide when he has had enough.