False hope or actual baby steps towards eventual recovery?

Old 07-10-2013, 09:08 PM
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Originally Posted by fedupbeyondall View Post
It is what it is. He has to decide when he has had enough.
So do you.

I'm in that limbo right now.
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Old 07-11-2013, 12:15 AM
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Sorry to hear it, fedup. Not surprised but still sorry. I know it's a cliche and I believe you get it, but in the end, the only thing that matters is your mastery of yourself. I'm far from that point by the way.

Wicked! I'm happy to have satisfied that need and bring you a little amusement and banana dancing inspiration. I pay attention because I know you do.
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Old 07-11-2013, 07:37 AM
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Ya know, I knew this was going to happen. I knew he was going to sit up all night and stumble into the bedroom at 3am. I knew I wasn't going to get much sleep. I knew all of it was going to happen, yet I still got my feelings hurt. Anyone that knows me knows I don't take defeat easily, sure it might knock me down but then I get right back up, beat it into submission and make it my.........you get the idea. I think it's starting to finally sink in that alcohol is bigger than me. The part that really sticks in my craw is that he is picking it over me. I guess I haven't had enough just yet tho, cause I'm still here. But now it's time to focus on me and focus on getting past this.
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Old 07-11-2013, 07:45 AM
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it's NOT that he is picking alcohol OVER you...he has untreated chronic alcoholism and unless and until he fully admits surrender and embraces a lifetime recovery program, he is incapable of doing anything else.

you can't talk him into it. you can't shame him into it, joke him into it. and the odds of you outlasting the disease are well, slim.
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:01 AM
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I get that, I really do. It just bugs me so much that there is something that we can't defeat. We have gone though a lot in our time together and overcome a lot of obstacles, but this, this, I don't think we can over come. I don't think he even really wants to. And that, I know, is where I'm getting stuck. It's like watching someone die of a curable terminal illness that they refuse to treat for what ever reason. I'm angry as heck over the fact that this is treatable and he refuses to seek treatment, he refuses to even try to get better.
I don't understand it!!! I don't get it. If I were diagnosed with something that could kill me, but I could treat you can bet your last dollar that my happy butt is going to be getting that treatment.

Can someone please explain the disconnect for me?

I just need to go to Al-Anon. I'm going to a meeting Saturday.
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:21 AM
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Originally Posted by fedupbeyondall View Post
Ya know, I knew this was going to happen. I knew he was going to sit up all night and stumble into the bedroom at 3am. I knew I wasn't going to get much sleep. I knew all of it was going to happen, yet I still got my feelings hurt. Anyone that knows me knows I don't take defeat easily, sure it might knock me down but then I get right back up, beat it into submission and make it my.........you get the idea. I think it's starting to finally sink in that alcohol is bigger than me. The part that really sticks in my craw is that he is picking it over me. I guess I haven't had enough just yet tho, cause I'm still here. But now it's time to focus on me and focus on getting past this.
I can totally relate and I'm sorry. I know damn well that the hope I have (albeit, not the naive kind) is silly. It's not so much that I think one day he will have an awakening and say,"wait....what have I been doing? I'm going to just stop now!" And we will live happily ever after. I don't think that. I just wonder, how long should I be waiting to see if he gets help? You know? He knows that he has a problem even if he hardly ever admits that. He knows it has BEEN running his life for years. And ruining it. If he could "just stop" I know he would have, before he got back with me (we dated in our teens....ironically, I can't think of any time back then that he was mean to me LOL).

So I'm not under the illusion that he will suddenly have this epiphany and do a complete turn around just like that.

Yet I wonder how long do I put up with this, is it w orth it? I could stay three more months and he could go get help and be in recovery. I could stay ten more years and it could escalate. I could stay twenty more years and he could have quit and relapse so many years later. I could stay thirty years and watch him die from it...

I know the feeling of being second choice. I don't think however that my AH UNDERSTANDS the true nature of what he is putting me through. He drinks to escape reality, so he doesn't deal with reality. Recently I started very loudly,"I AM A *REAL* PERSON WITH *REAL* FEELINGS! YOU AFFECT ME!" I could see just a glimmer of understanding in his eyes, and he quietly said,"I know."

But even with that acknowledgement I know he does not fully understand. He has lost the ability to feel empathy for the most part.

Lots of ((((((((hugs)))))))) honey. It's so confusing isn't it?

Should I stay or should I go now....
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:33 AM
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It's funny Ona that you should add your last line, I was listening to that song on the way to work today. LOL. It is exactly where I'm at. Anvil, you hit the nail (anvil) right on the head, the odds of my outlasting this disease are slim. So why do I keep betting against myself? It's time to hit al-anon, what I've been doing isn't working and like I say, if you change nothing nothing ever changes.....so here we go!
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:34 AM
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And you're right. We are REAL people with REAL feelings. Their actions do affect us. The thing is I don't think they are capable of giving a d*mn.
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:37 AM
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I just reread my post and I wrote that my hope is not of the naive variety lol.

Lol.

Sigh.
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:41 AM
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Originally Posted by fedupbeyondall View Post
It's funny Ona that you should add your last line, I was listening to that song on the way to work today. LOL.
Me thinks we have a dorky psychic connection, after your Futurama reference AS I WAS WATCHING IT.

Lol
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:41 AM
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I think it applies tho. I think hope in it's general nature is not naive. It's just recognizing when you're putting that hope in the wrong place. I haven't done that yet by any means mind you.
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:41 AM
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Originally Posted by fedupbeyondall View Post
The thing is I don't think they are capable of giving a d*mn.
They aren't even capable of SEEING it, much less giving a damn.

You talked about not "getting" why he isn't getting treatment. It's because he doesn't think he needs it. He is still thinking he can wrestle this problem (and I think he does realize he has a problem--he just doesn't understand the scope and severity of it) into submission on his own steam. He can "manage" it, and he probably thinks he is doing a good job of it, and that you don't appreciate it. It is part of the whole alcoholic dilemma--the disease itself tells you that you don't have it. Astounding as it sounds, it is absolutely true.
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:42 AM
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All dorks are connected on some level, it's our version of "the force". LOL
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:47 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
They aren't even capable of SEEING it, much less giving a damn.

You talked about not "getting" why he isn't getting treatment. It's because he doesn't think he needs it. He is still thinking he can wrestle this problem (and I think he does realize he has a problem--he just doesn't understand the scope and severity of it) into submission on his own steam. He can "manage" it, and he probably thinks he is doing a good job of it, and that you don't appreciate it. It is part of the whole alcoholic dilemma--the disease itself tells you that you don't have it. Astounding as it sounds, it is absolutely true.
But isn't it logical that if someone is telling you how you affect them that some part of you would realize that what you're doing isn't working? Or is that where I steered wrong? Logic doesn't really seem to play into alcoholism very well huh?

BTW, thanks for always having your proverbial 2x4 ready. :rotfxko
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:51 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
They aren't even capable of SEEING it, much less giving a damn.

You talked about not "getting" why he isn't getting treatment. It's because he doesn't think he needs it. He is still thinking he can wrestle this problem (and I think he does realize he has a problem--he just doesn't understand the scope and severity of it) into submission on his own steam. He can "manage" it, and he probably thinks he is doing a good job of it, and that you don't appreciate it. It is part of the whole alcoholic dilemma--the disease itself tells you that you don't have it. Astounding as it sounds, it is absolutely true.
Yes, yes, yes. The other night he told me he doesn't need help to stop, he can do it on his own. Furthermore, it's "not fair" that he can't even have a beer ever again. Even though I pointed out that he would never be satisfied with just one beer (by the way, to him, one beer is a 40 oz of malt...) and that it would just escalate right back into the old routine. He would not, could not acknowledge that.

He knows he has a problem. But he knows not the depth.
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:51 AM
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Originally Posted by fedupbeyondall View Post
all dorks are connected on some level, it's our version of "the force". Lol
lol
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:53 AM
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And, you are probably exactly right. He sat up all night last night thinking I don't appreciate anything he's doing. Well he asked me not to bring it up tho. SOOOOOOO, how do I tell him that I'm proud of him when he makes steps towards recovery without actually bringing it up? Seriously? If he were one of the pups I would scratch him behind the ear, rub his belly and feed him a treat. I want that changer machine that little girl came up with on the AT&T commercial but instead I would make a puppy husband instead of a puppy brother.

HMMMMMM someone needs to get working on this device immediately.
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:58 AM
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Originally Posted by fedupbeyondall View Post
But isn't it logical that if someone is telling you how you affect them that some part of you would realize that what you're doing isn't working? Or is that where I steered wrong? Logic doesn't really seem to play into alcoholism very well huh?
My husband realizes at least to some degree what he's doing is so awful...to himself, to others. But he lies to himself. I've witnessed that his lies to himself run so deep that I'm convinced he actually believes them. To alleviate his negative feelings, which he has no tools to cope with, he makes up excuses and lies to himself, and then convinces himself of them. Because it is THAT HARD for him to face it. He feels justified enough in his own pain that he will justify anything. Actually that made me think of a study I read about years ago (before him, more evidence of my dorkery, I read about these things...) that said the human brain will justify just about anything. In his mind, likely mostly if not completely unconsciously, he is protecting himself. From pain. But I know he's trading it for more pain. But when drunk, he feels relaxed. Glad one of us does...

I've pointed out to him that it's also easier to talk about quitting while drunk! Because he feels better while drunk! While sober, all he can think about is getting drunk, I'm sure!

Edited because Swype sucks lol
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:59 AM
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A puppy husband! Lmao! If only...
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Old 07-11-2013, 09:13 AM
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Could you imagine it? How fun would that be? He acts like a jack wagon and you put him in the kennel on a time out. Much more effective than arguing.
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