Relationship with an Alcoholic. Need advice, please
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Location: Somers, MT
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Relationship with an Alcoholic. Need advice, please
I am 31 years old and I have 3 children from a previous marriage. I met my alcoholic nearly 3 years ago. Since then we have had an on and off relationship. We moved in together just 6 months ago. However, living with him proved very difficult. He had no job, no money and always wanted to drink and gamble. Two months ago, he left to go to work in another state and told me our relationship wasn't going to work. Then I found out I was pregnant.
Since the day I met him, I have (with the exception of the few months here and there he had a job) funded his alcohol addiction and gambling, as well as giving him a place to stay periodically, etc. I enabled him for so long because everyone else in his life is a drinker, too. But I don't drink. And I guess I thought that influence might help him, even if not now, then later. It hasn't happened, though. I have tried walking away from him a number of times, but when I do, he pursues me, tells me he loves me, misses me, etc. And I come back. But once I'm back, he treats me like I don't matter and goes back to being selfish like he usually is. I don't even know where I am going in this post. I am all over the place.
The point is I am having a baby in 6 months and I want him to get sober before then. I know I can't force sobriety on him, but is there something I can do to maybe help him in that direction? He used to talk about getting sober all the time, but for the last year and a half or so, he hardly ever talks about it and doesn't seem to have the drive to get sober anymore. I've heard that alcoholics have to hit rock bottom a lot of times before they get help. If I don't bail him out of his situations, the mother of his son does. For this reason, I don't know that he will ever hit rock bottom. I have told him if he doesn't get sober, I will raise this baby on my own. I love him very much and wish he would find sobriety for himself and our baby. I don't know what else to do. Any advice?
Since the day I met him, I have (with the exception of the few months here and there he had a job) funded his alcohol addiction and gambling, as well as giving him a place to stay periodically, etc. I enabled him for so long because everyone else in his life is a drinker, too. But I don't drink. And I guess I thought that influence might help him, even if not now, then later. It hasn't happened, though. I have tried walking away from him a number of times, but when I do, he pursues me, tells me he loves me, misses me, etc. And I come back. But once I'm back, he treats me like I don't matter and goes back to being selfish like he usually is. I don't even know where I am going in this post. I am all over the place.
The point is I am having a baby in 6 months and I want him to get sober before then. I know I can't force sobriety on him, but is there something I can do to maybe help him in that direction? He used to talk about getting sober all the time, but for the last year and a half or so, he hardly ever talks about it and doesn't seem to have the drive to get sober anymore. I've heard that alcoholics have to hit rock bottom a lot of times before they get help. If I don't bail him out of his situations, the mother of his son does. For this reason, I don't know that he will ever hit rock bottom. I have told him if he doesn't get sober, I will raise this baby on my own. I love him very much and wish he would find sobriety for himself and our baby. I don't know what else to do. Any advice?
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Join Date: May 2013
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Originally Posted by heather59901 
I am 31 years old and I have 3 children from a previous marriage. I met my alcoholic nearly 3 years ago. Since then we have had an on and off relationship. We moved in together just 6 months ago. However, living with him proved very difficult. He had no job, no money and always wanted to drink and gamble. Two months ago, he left to go to work in another state and told me our relationship wasn't going to work. Then I found out I was pregnant.
Since the day I met him, I have (with the exception of the few months here and there he had a job) funded his alcohol addiction and gambling, as well as giving him a place to stay periodically, etc. I enabled him for so long because everyone else in his life is a drinker, too. But I don't drink. And I guess I thought that influence might help him, even if not now, then later. It hasn't happened, though. I have tried walking away from him a number of times, but when I do, he pursues me, tells me he loves me, misses me, etc. And I come back. But once I'm back, he treats me like I don't matter and goes back to being selfish like he usually is. I don't even know where I am going in this post. I am all over the place.
The point is I am having a baby in 6 months and I want him to get sober before then. I know I can't force sobriety on him, but is there something I can do to maybe help him in that direction? He used to talk about getting sober all the time, but for the last year and a half or so, he hardly ever talks about it and doesn't seem to have the drive to get sober anymore. I've heard that alcoholics have to hit rock bottom a lot of times before they get help. If I don't bail him out of his situations, the mother of his son does. For this reason, I don't know that he will ever hit rock bottom. I have told him if he doesn't get sober, I will raise this baby on my own. I love him very much and wish he would find sobriety for himself and our baby. I don't know what else to do. Any advice?
Since the day I met him, I have (with the exception of the few months here and there he had a job) funded his alcohol addiction and gambling, as well as giving him a place to stay periodically, etc. I enabled him for so long because everyone else in his life is a drinker, too. But I don't drink. And I guess I thought that influence might help him, even if not now, then later. It hasn't happened, though. I have tried walking away from him a number of times, but when I do, he pursues me, tells me he loves me, misses me, etc. And I come back. But once I'm back, he treats me like I don't matter and goes back to being selfish like he usually is. I don't even know where I am going in this post. I am all over the place.
The point is I am having a baby in 6 months and I want him to get sober before then. I know I can't force sobriety on him, but is there something I can do to maybe help him in that direction? He used to talk about getting sober all the time, but for the last year and a half or so, he hardly ever talks about it and doesn't seem to have the drive to get sober anymore. I've heard that alcoholics have to hit rock bottom a lot of times before they get help. If I don't bail him out of his situations, the mother of his son does. For this reason, I don't know that he will ever hit rock bottom. I have told him if he doesn't get sober, I will raise this baby on my own. I love him very much and wish he would find sobriety for himself and our baby. I don't know what else to do. Any advice?
You said to him you'll raise the child on your own if he can't get it together. That seems to have worked for him, if you look to his ex and mother of his other child. You said she also bails him out.
He treats you like crap when you supply everything he needs because he's an alcoholic and is looking out only for himself, not you. He's sweet and attentive when he's down and out because he wants you to provide for him again. When he gets what he wants, he is done courting you. He's reached his goal.
I don't mean to be harsh, please understand that it isn't personal, what he does. He'd do it to whoever else too.
My husband is an alcoholic. It hurts. I know.
Don't worry about him - you are only in charge of you.
Others will be along soon.
Keep coming here. You will find so much support and understanding from others who have gone through or are going through the same kind of bs.
Just worry about your health and well being.
Again, welcome
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Hello and welcome to SR.
I'm happy you found us but sad that you had too.
You're right in that you can't force sobriety on anyone. I understand that feeling of trying to get things right with the Alcoholic before you make a decision. It's a very tough hurdle to jump. Then again, perhaps jumping isn't exactly what you want to do right now.
Perhaps you could pick up a copy of Codependent No more by Melody Beattie. It's a good book that may help you find some answers that work for you versus him.
Keep reading and keep posting. There's a wealth of experience here.
I'm happy you found us but sad that you had too.
You're right in that you can't force sobriety on anyone. I understand that feeling of trying to get things right with the Alcoholic before you make a decision. It's a very tough hurdle to jump. Then again, perhaps jumping isn't exactly what you want to do right now.
Perhaps you could pick up a copy of Codependent No more by Melody Beattie. It's a good book that may help you find some answers that work for you versus him.
Keep reading and keep posting. There's a wealth of experience here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Somers, MT
Posts: 31
Thank you both so much for your posts. This is just such a difficult situation and I have no one to talk to that I feel can understand. And you're right, Onawa. He uses me. I know. I allowed him to do it because I thought I could help him in time.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by heather59901
Thank you both so much for your posts. This is just such a difficult situation and I have no one to talk to that I feel can understand. And you're right, Onawa. He uses me. I know. I allowed him to do it because I thought I could help him in time.
I know it sucks so much. My husband will treat me like absolute crap until he needs something - then he's loving, sweet, attentive, compliments me, makes promises, etc. Soon as he either got what he wanted or realized he was NOT gonna get what he wanted, BAM! Back to behaving like a jerk. Really, he never stopped acting like a jerk though, did he? If he's only being nice to get what he wants, that's not genuine kindness he's dishing out to me.
Ugh. I know.
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Join Date: May 2013
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Oh, wanted to add that wanting to be supportive of them getting their shiznit together is a tough call. Of course we want to help, right? How can we know how long to try? I suppose it's about reaching our own limit of how much we will take and put up with. Ultimately it's only something they can decide to change.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by OnawaMiniya
Oh, wanted to add that wanting to be supportive of them getting their shiznit together is a tough call. Of course we want to help, right? How can we know how long to try? I suppose it's about reaching our own limit of how much we will take and put up with. Ultimately it's only something they can decide to change.
Others will be along shortly and recommend you find a good Alanon group and attend some meetings.
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Posts: 31
This is exactly what I have always dealt with from him. He treats me like crap when I am giving him what he wants. When he needs something or something else though, he acts sweet and like he cares until he gets it, then he goes back to being a jerk. Or unless he doesn't get it, then he goes back to being a jerk.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Originally Posted by heather59901
This is exactly what I have always dealt with from him. He treats me like crap when I am giving him what he wants. When he needs something or something else though, he acts sweet and like he cares until he gets it, then he goes back to being a jerk. Or unless he doesn't get it, then he goes back to being a jerk.
Now is the time for you to take care of yourself & your children. Al-Anon would be very helpful for you. What about counseling for yourself? Pregnancy brings with it many emotions and I'm sure you could use a lot of personal support to get through it.
What did your A say about the baby, does he show any interest? You are now tied to him for at least 18 years...you may want to start making a plan for custody & support arrangements since you are not in a stable relationship together. Having a plan always helps me to stay on my right path and achieve my goals.
I feel for you & your situation, I really do. I understand you want to help him...I think every one of us here wants to help our A's, but that is completely up to them. All we can do is help ourselves. Please keep reading & posting; check out the stickies at the top of the forum.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Seconding Alanon as another GREAT starting place in getting on your feet and figuring out what you need to do. Many meetings have child care available, too.
Do as much reading as you can here, and definitely look into an Alanon meeting sooner rather than later. Here's a link for in-person meetings http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings and here's one for phone meetings, if you don't have access to a live meeting. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/electronic-meetings
Welcome, and you are not alone.
Do as much reading as you can here, and definitely look into an Alanon meeting sooner rather than later. Here's a link for in-person meetings http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings and here's one for phone meetings, if you don't have access to a live meeting. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/electronic-meetings
Welcome, and you are not alone.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
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Hello Heather!
I am so glad you found your way here. It sounds from your post that you need some
help for sure.
I am a recovering alcoholic. The only way (in my experience) for alcoholics to quit
is for them to be willing to do anything to get sober and stay in recovery.
For you and your family, please go to Al anon, you will learn so much about what you
can do to take care of you and your life.
You will find those who have been where you are and those who understand how you
feel.
Welcome to Sober Recovery!
Beth
I am so glad you found your way here. It sounds from your post that you need some
help for sure.
I love him very much and wish he would find sobriety for himself and our baby. I don't know what else to do. Any advice?
is for them to be willing to do anything to get sober and stay in recovery.
For you and your family, please go to Al anon, you will learn so much about what you
can do to take care of you and your life.
You will find those who have been where you are and those who understand how you
feel.
Welcome to Sober Recovery!
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Somers, MT
Posts: 31
Yes, my children are being affected by continuing a relationship with him. I think it got easier for me to see and/or acknowledge that after he left for work in another state. As for his reaction to the baby, it has been mixed. He, at first, said I was on my own with it, he wanted nothing to do with it and I should give the baby up for adoption. Then for a while, when we talked, we didn't really talk about it. I saw him 4 days ago. He had taken a week off from work and come back for his son's birthday. He wanted to see me while he was here. I wasn't going to see him, but decided to his last day. When I saw him, he said he didn't want me to give the baby up anymore and that he wants to be there for me during the pregnancy. He wanted to talk about baby names and he acted completely different. But ever since he left, he has gone back to being cold and distant and has talked to me once for about 3 minutes and is ignoring my texts. So I guess I don't know what he REALLY wants.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Originally Posted by heather59901
So I guess I don't know what he REALLY wants.
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heather59901, you are going to need support and help with this pregnancy. Do you have any plans for getting this support? You might as well wipe your boyfriend off the board as far as that is concerned. I would suggest that you find out all the information about him that you will need in order for him to be required to pay child support for this child. This child deserves everything it can get!
You can't help him--he doesn't even sound the least bit interested.
You need to take care of yourself---you have 4 children who are depending on you.
dandylion
You can't help him--he doesn't even sound the least bit interested.
You need to take care of yourself---you have 4 children who are depending on you.
dandylion
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Nothing changes if Nothing changes. The alcoholic will keep you on the merry go round of chaos as long as you tolerate it. He is not going to change for you, the baby, his son, etc. But he needs you to hang around for his needs, so he'll sweep in with the typical "quacking" if you pull away. Don't listen to his words......watch his actions. That tells you all you need to know.
Learn the 3 C's: you didn't Cause the alcoholism, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. Although you would like him sober before the baby comes, you have no control over that. What you CAN decide is what kind of parent do you want for this child? And what kind of person do you want as a role model in the lives of your other 3 children?
Now is the time to find an AlAnon group, and start learning to focus on you and your children. Do the right thing for them. He is an adult, he can make his own choices, but he should be allowed to feel the full consequences of those choices.
Learn the 3 C's: you didn't Cause the alcoholism, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. Although you would like him sober before the baby comes, you have no control over that. What you CAN decide is what kind of parent do you want for this child? And what kind of person do you want as a role model in the lives of your other 3 children?
Now is the time to find an AlAnon group, and start learning to focus on you and your children. Do the right thing for them. He is an adult, he can make his own choices, but he should be allowed to feel the full consequences of those choices.
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[
Can you get to some Alanon meetings?
Get the books Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drew and Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie
B][/B]
Can you get to some Alanon meetings?
Get the books Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drew and Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie
B][/B]
Originally Posted by heather59901
I am 31 years old and I have 3 children from a previous marriage. I met my alcoholic nearly 3 years ago. Since then we have had an on and off relationship. We moved in together just 6 months ago. However, living with him proved very difficult. He had no job, no money and always wanted to drink and gamble. Two months ago, he left to go to work in another state and told me our relationship wasn't going to work. Then I found out I was pregnant.
Since the day I met him, I have (with the exception of the few months here and there he had a job) funded his alcohol addiction and gambling, as well as giving him a place to stay periodically, etc. I enabled him for so long because everyone else in his life is a drinker, too. But I don't drink. And I guess I thought that influence might help him, even if not now, then later. It hasn't happened, though. I have tried walking away from him a number of times, but when I do, he pursues me, tells me he loves me, misses me, etc. And I come back. But once I'm back, he treats me like I don't matter and goes back to being selfish like he usually is. I don't even know where I am going in this post. I am all over the place.
The point is I am having a baby in 6 months and I want him to get sober before then. I know I can't force sobriety on him, but is there something I can do to maybe help him in that direction? He used to talk about getting sober all the time, but for the last year and a half or so, he hardly ever talks about it and doesn't seem to have the drive to get sober anymore. I've heard that alcoholics have to hit rock bottom a lot of times before they get help. If I don't bail him out of his situations, the mother of his son does. For this reason, I don't know that he will ever hit rock bottom. I have told him if he doesn't get sober, I will raise this baby on my own. I love him very much and wish he would find sobriety for himself and our baby. I don't know what else to do. Any advice?
Since the day I met him, I have (with the exception of the few months here and there he had a job) funded his alcohol addiction and gambling, as well as giving him a place to stay periodically, etc. I enabled him for so long because everyone else in his life is a drinker, too. But I don't drink. And I guess I thought that influence might help him, even if not now, then later. It hasn't happened, though. I have tried walking away from him a number of times, but when I do, he pursues me, tells me he loves me, misses me, etc. And I come back. But once I'm back, he treats me like I don't matter and goes back to being selfish like he usually is. I don't even know where I am going in this post. I am all over the place.
The point is I am having a baby in 6 months and I want him to get sober before then. I know I can't force sobriety on him, but is there something I can do to maybe help him in that direction? He used to talk about getting sober all the time, but for the last year and a half or so, he hardly ever talks about it and doesn't seem to have the drive to get sober anymore. I've heard that alcoholics have to hit rock bottom a lot of times before they get help. If I don't bail him out of his situations, the mother of his son does. For this reason, I don't know that he will ever hit rock bottom. I have told him if he doesn't get sober, I will raise this baby on my own. I love him very much and wish he would find sobriety for himself and our baby. I don't know what else to do. Any advice?
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Thread Starter
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Location: Somers, MT
Posts: 31
A huge thanks to everyone who has responded. Your advice has been very helpful. And if you have anymore, by all mean keep them coming. I guess I need all of the pep talks I can get. This is just a difficult situation which I am capable of bearing on my own. That is clearly going to be the best (and only) route. I'm really glad I found this forum. I feel I have support just by hearing the words from people who seem to really understand. So again thanks to all of you!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
I am glad you found your way here! I am also very sorry you are in this horrible situation. I can only speak from my experience which is much like everyone else on this board & certainly you hit the nail on the head w/the same treatment I received from XABF. I think everyone has pretty much commented with my same thoughts!
I would move forward as if he won't change verses holding out hope thay he will! Painful lesson learned! I am certainly not saying he will or won't bc I don't know... Learn all you can, reach out for support but most importantly take care of children and yourself first! You will be glad you did!
I would move forward as if he won't change verses holding out hope thay he will! Painful lesson learned! I am certainly not saying he will or won't bc I don't know... Learn all you can, reach out for support but most importantly take care of children and yourself first! You will be glad you did!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by heather59901
A huge thanks to everyone who has responded. Your advice has been very helpful. And if you have anymore, by all mean keep them coming. I guess I need all of the pep talks I can get. This is just a difficult situation which I am capable of bearing on my own. That is clearly going to be the best (and only) route. I'm really glad I found this forum. I feel I have support just by hearing the words from people who seem to really understand. So again thanks to all of you!
If anything, learn to breath here. Some of these folks are in fact white knuckling it through life.
Something else I learned here...everyone may be dealing with the same and or similar problems but each of us are at different stages. Therefore, advice and or comments wont always jive with what you're feeling. As one of our valued contributors coined...take what you want. Leave the rest.
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Posts: 52
Originally Posted by heather59901
I am 31 years old and I have 3 children from a previous marriage. I met my alcoholic nearly 3 years ago. Since then we have had an on and off relationship. We moved in together just 6 months ago. However, living with him proved very difficult. He had no job, no money and always wanted to drink and gamble. Two months ago, he left to go to work in another state and told me our relationship wasn't going to work. Then I found out I was pregnant.
Since the day I met him, I have (with the exception of the few months here and there he had a job) funded his alcohol addiction and gambling, as well as giving him a place to stay periodically, etc. I enabled him for so long because everyone else in his life is a drinker, too. But I don't drink. And I guess I thought that influence might help him, even if not now, then later. It hasn't happened, though. I have tried walking away from him a number of times, but when I do, he pursues me, tells me he loves me, misses me, etc. And I come back. But once I'm back, he treats me like I don't matter and goes back to being selfish like he usually is. I don't even know where I am going in this post. I am all over the place.
The point is I am having a baby in 6 months and I want him to get sober before then. I know I can't force sobriety on him, but is there something I can do to maybe help him in that direction? He used to talk about getting sober all the time, but for the last year and a half or so, he hardly ever talks about it and doesn't seem to have the drive to get sober anymore. I've heard that alcoholics have to hit rock bottom a lot of times before they get help. If I don't bail him out of his situations, the mother of his son does. For this reason, I don't know that he will ever hit rock bottom. I have told him if he doesn't get sober, I will raise this baby on my own. I love him very much and wish he would find sobriety for himself and our baby. I don't know what else to do. Any advice?
Since the day I met him, I have (with the exception of the few months here and there he had a job) funded his alcohol addiction and gambling, as well as giving him a place to stay periodically, etc. I enabled him for so long because everyone else in his life is a drinker, too. But I don't drink. And I guess I thought that influence might help him, even if not now, then later. It hasn't happened, though. I have tried walking away from him a number of times, but when I do, he pursues me, tells me he loves me, misses me, etc. And I come back. But once I'm back, he treats me like I don't matter and goes back to being selfish like he usually is. I don't even know where I am going in this post. I am all over the place.
The point is I am having a baby in 6 months and I want him to get sober before then. I know I can't force sobriety on him, but is there something I can do to maybe help him in that direction? He used to talk about getting sober all the time, but for the last year and a half or so, he hardly ever talks about it and doesn't seem to have the drive to get sober anymore. I've heard that alcoholics have to hit rock bottom a lot of times before they get help. If I don't bail him out of his situations, the mother of his son does. For this reason, I don't know that he will ever hit rock bottom. I have told him if he doesn't get sober, I will raise this baby on my own. I love him very much and wish he would find sobriety for himself and our baby. I don't know what else to do. Any advice?
The thing that practicing alcoholics/addicts never get is that Love is not an emotion, it is a Behavior.
Your ABF is acting exactly like what he is. Without recovery, he will continue to act exactly as he has in the past, without a second thought.
You can not bring him or force him into recovery, he has to want it for himself and be willing to do all the dirty work needed to get out from under his addictions.
Your post moves me because change the gender, it's not much different than what I'm going through, and the one constant through all these situations - your's, mine, and everybody else on this forum is that our alcoholic/addict loved ones all behave in a like manner, and all have more or less the same progressions of their disease.
Now for some hope - you're young, you have plenty of time ahead of you to build a good life for you and your children if you're brave enough to do what's necessary to make it.
And you don't need an alcoholic/addict dragging you down with him.
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