brightstar43

I haven't posted in a couple of months. Had went no contact with alcoholic boyfriend then started seeing him again. It all came to a head last week when we or me should I say spoke about long term future as we've been together on and off for 5 years. He has serious commitment issues and I can't do it anymore. I'm off work with stress at the moment my life just seems a mess. I have financial problems and 2 children at home although my son is 21 and works but I have a big mortgage and lots of outgoings at present which means I'm really having to budget. This has led me to think recently about my long term future and my preferred future would be one where I have a relationship which would eventually lead to living together as a couple and sharing responsibilities and supporting each other in our lives. I know this is not going to happen with him and so our relationship is over as far as I'm concerned. He's doing the whole avoidance thing we had a heated discussion on the phone on fri and he said he would call sat but I never got that call; that's very typical of his behaviour. So there has been no formal ending of our relationship he is unable I know to have that conversation be ause in a way that would be committing to breaking up and I'm sure he has commitment phobia. My whole life seems a bit hopeless at present and I now know that there is no long term future for us together. He is protecting his drinking because he knows if he moved in with me he would have to change and he's not ready or not wanting to do that. The pub plays a major part in his life after work, he goes for few hrs after work every night and its all he knows. I know I could not live with a man that does this. I work in healthcare and my job can be stressful and exhausting at times. I work 12 hr shifts and can just imagine coming home from work totally flat out exhausted and he would be still in the pub; I know I could not cope with that and don't want it in my home. My father is an alcoholic who has been sober for 30 years but was a man in his drinking days who practically lived in the pub! My mum had such a hard time with him and I don't want that for my life. So I've been no contact since Fri and although I'm sad I'm not missing him, more missing the habit of something to focus on if you can understand that. I think I got back in contact with him to escape all the pressures in my own life only to end up totally stressed and off work sick. I'm just back from my doctor and was very tearful in the surgery. She has referred me for phone CBT counselling, I'm feeling depressed and am not usually an emotional weepy person. All I've done us cry this morning and I feel I need to let it out. I know I need to stay away from him as he is ruining my life, or in a way I'm ruining my life but getting back involved. Sorry for the long post but I'm so upset. I need to be strong and change all my habits. I feel I've lost myself this time. I was getting to the stage with him that I was doubting every word he said; was it true? Was he lying? was he just saying words to keep me off his back or what he thought I wanted to hear? I know I'm going to have to work really hard on myself I'm even struggling sharing at al anon groups just now which int like me. I burst into tears when someone there asked me how I was as I was trying to sneak out the door. I need some words of advice on the best ways to stay no contact as I've went back so many times. This time I know if I go back I'm saying no to any future happiness in a healthy committed relationship and that's what I eventually want in my life.

dandylion

Brightstar, I believe you were still holding onto a bit of fantasy hope during the last go-round that, somehow, your dream would work out.

First, you will need to accept that the reality of your life is that this guy is not the one to hitch your star to---that he will lead no where but heartache. One you accept this fact, then you can properly grieve the loss of the dream. That is the way to lift the burden from your back.

How do I know this? Lots and lots of observation and my own personal experience.

sincerely, dandylion

brightstar43

Hi thanks dandelion for your reply. You are right I think I still had hope that things would all work out and we would live happy ever after. I think this time I brought up the long term future for us which I had always avoided because deep down I knew there wasn't one. I think that reality has hit me full force and I've no alternative but to give in..... well there an alternative but that would mean feeling like this for the rest of my life if I stayed in this relationship. I've seen people in al anon stay with their partner and manage to cope ok but they don't seem really content... I know I can't do it it will destroy me my mental health has suffered and I know it's stress. What helps to accept the loss of the dream? I think I have major issue with acceptance. Your posts always make a lot of sense dandylion thanks

dandylion

brightstar43, I think that acceptance really boils down to making a decision to go with reality rather than the fantasy.

Grief is the next usual phase--you may already have been doing some of this. Grief is painful and necessary for the healing to take place. Some therapists recommend grief counseling for the aftermath of painful breakups. People need human support more than anything else during the grief period. All people grieve at some time and we get through it. It comes to an end. Living in a toxic relationship is never ending pain. It goes on and on..... Grief is short-term pain for long term gain.

You see, there is no escape from the pain except to walk straight through it. You are in pain this very minute---you really have nothing to loose by walking away.

dandylion

funkynassau

I'm really sorry to hear you are going thru this. I'm new here and came here because of an alcoholic friend who sounds so much like your boyfriend, or ex boyfriend. I have gone no contact with this guy because he was making me crazy, I couldnt deal with him anymore. I think you'll be better off without this guy and you need to give yourself time to adjust to him being gone. Sending you best wishes :-)

brightstar43

Hi thanks for all your support dandylion. I struggle with grief; My family of origin did not allow for sadness to be expressed and I'm guilty of bottling things up. Crying for me can be horrendous I feel like I'm never going to stop. I was in tears at the doctors this morning and I realise there's no shame in tears. I like to have control and the grief period doesn't have a fixed time, if someone said your gonna feel bad for this length of time I could accept that....it's fear of the unknown that's difficult for me. I'm working hard to take each day at a time. I know I need to also think of my future and what that would be like if I allowed him to be part of my life....now that's a terrifying future one filled with heartache and despair I'm keeping that in mind that's why no contact is vital and also coming to terms with the loss of him. It's the never going to be with him again thought that fills me with fear at times

atalose

Here's the thing, if you are with someone who needs to change in order for you to be happy.........you are with the wrong person!!!

Often when we are STILL not ready to FULLY LET GO of the relationship, we convince ourselves we NEED “closure”. WE NEED further contact with them, maybe one more attempt to work things out, maybe one more way to manipulate the situation so WE DON’T have to deal with our HURT FEELINGS and EMOTIONS. Give up our dreams and fantasy we had that involved them.

He drinks, he makes your life unhappy…..and as far as you are concerned – the relationship is over……….sooooo then make it over and deal with your emotions and feelings instead of trying to work on him and the failed relationship so that you don’t have to feel the hurt and pain. It’s good you are going to begin talking to someone, focus on you and your feelings, not him or his drinking……….him stopping drinking and changing into the person who hope he could be is still not your solution.

brightstar43

Thanks so much for your reply atalose. I'm sitting in the sun which is not a thing you do very often in Scotland as there normally is no sun! The sun is helping me sit with my feelings. I felt really emotional this morning but as the day had went on I feel more at ease. I will never have closure from him as he is an avoidant so I need to get closure from myself and that's quite hard. It's the coldheartedness he displayed, would not discuss what I wanted to talk about which was the long term future. So the not even discussing it is my answer in a way. I think letting go will be hard but I can do this I know I can. It's just going to take strength and hard work on my part. I see others here have managed to get out of unhealthy destructive relationships and I want to be in your gang! I need to change all my routine and find me again I have been so lost this year.

Tuffgirl

Great responses so far!

For me, acceptance included the realization that the only way through it was through it, and I had to get comfortable with sitting with my own grief and pain. That "in between" time when life feels weird and scary and uncomfortable.

Here's the good news - it does pass! Now, a year later, I am a different person, comfortable with myself, my new life, and my "do-over". I know now it was the right thing to do...letting go of a toxic relationship.

But it wasn't easy, and it hurt like hell for a while. Take it one day at a time, keep telling yourself this is the best thing for you, even when it doesn't feel like it. Surround yourself with loving friends/family, pick up a new hobby, journal...whatever helps you fill the time that you would have normally spent fretting over him.

And keep posting. It does help a lot.
Peace,
~T

BlueSkies1

What I am hearing, and hope I am hearing correctly, is that financial worries are stressing you out right now and because of that you approached him about long-term commitment or marriage.
Yet at the same time you don't want a husband that spends every evening at the pub, which is what he does.
So I'm imagining you without all those financial worries. Because what I see as YOUR freedom, is feeling much better about your finances. Sitting out there in the sun truly being able to enjoy it without nagging financial stuff in the back of your mind.
How can you accomplish that without him?
I think that's your answer.
Think to yourself--how can I get there all by myself? Imagine yourself already there, it's half the battle.
I'm also thinking you would feel so much stronger. The uplifting feeling of having accomplished and fixed that issue all on your own. The question of marriage to him would be independent of money.
And if you were sitting pretty financially, would you want him as a husband? If you had no financial worries?

atalose

Brightstar43,

What does “closure” look like to you? What are your “expectations” regarding “closure” from him?

brightstar43

Thanks for all the kind words and support. Tuffgirl life does feel very scary at present. I'm very aware that the focus is on me now.....and that's when all the uncomfortable thoughts come and then the feelings. I have had the wind knocked right out of me but it has got me out of the denial I have been living the last few months. I'm off work with stress just now so am gonna take this time to find out what I like again, imagine not even knowing what you like anymore! This is the best thing for me I need to stay away from him to save myself....not meaning to sound melodramatic but he could be literally destroy me and I'm not prepared to let that happen. That's my mission. Sitting with the pain is hard I'm so grateful to have found this forum and I'm going to post more regularly. Last time I just dipped my toe in the water then went back to all the toxic rubbish

Tuffgirl

When you have those overwhelming emotions and are tempted to dip your toe in his water again - find another outlet. Call a friend. Post here. Kind of like letting a craving pass for the alcoholics trying to stay sober - you need to find ways to let your emotions pass without acting on them.

Fear is an emotion. It isn't indicative to what your future holds. I fear a lot of things, finances being a big one as a single parent. But I don't let that emotion dictate my actions. That's the key - being able to feel, without acting on it.

I will also admit I used anti-depressants during the periods of great stress and grief. Really helped a lot.

Keep your chin up. Like everything else in life, this too shall pass.
~T

brightstar43

Atalose closure would be an honest response like I can't give you what you need or I'm sorry to hurt you but I can't do this. I need to get it from myself because he will not and never has ended it its always me.

I think I have had a lot of stress building up say over a 2 year period; major change of location in work and now working short staffed and more respnsibility, financial climate means money has been really tight as well. With the change in location at work I gave up exercise, going it gym, financially I'm not able to do stuff that gave me pleasure ie. eating out etc ( I didn't do much of this but now and again was something to look forward to)

I've been a single parent for 10 years and usually cope with it all but just now I just feel so much pressure. I'm off work due to this and seeing my gp. If I'm not any better in 2 weeks I think I may need anti depressants they've helped me in the past.

I'm doing a counselling skills course one night a week at uni which I love. It involves a lot of self awareness and one exercise in particular was to imagine what your preferred future would be. I felt really resistant to even thinking about my preferred future; stress at work, home situation and finances and alcoholic relationship just to add fuel to the fire. Over the last month I have however been thinking of my preferred future which would include being in a secure relationship; a relationship that would have the potential for commitment and living together eventually as a couple, that's why I brought up the topic with him. I have never been the type just to go out with someone because they earn lots of money; I earn a good salary and have always been independent. But I can see practically that my financial situation would not be like this if I lived with someone.....that also got me thinking.

In my crazy mind I would have wanted him if finances were not an issue. The last few months have been terrible financially and I can feel getting pulled down by it

atalose

Often we are expecting mature - healthy behavior from people who are just not capable of giving it.

Accepting that will be a big part in your moving on and away from someone who is unable to give you the kind of life you seek from a partner.

dandylion

atalose--yeah! Just like going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread.

dandylion

Recovering2

I heard someone in AlAnon say something once that helped me. He said he realized "happiness is on the other side of my fears." In other words, we have to face our fears and get through them....our happiness is waiting for us on the other side.

Once you've made the decision to move forward...even if it's scary....you have decided to move towards a healthier happier you! It may not be easy, and you may want to go backwards at times, but with support you can do it.

Try to stick with your AlAnon group, if you're not able to talk you can always listen. Those people will help you day by day. Be gentle with yourself....one step...one day at a time.

brightstar43

Thanks for all your words of kindness wisdom and support. My day was hard today but I've got through it. My friend came down tonight and instead of putting a brave face on I told her how bad I was feeling. I'm going to lean on my friends just now. My friend said its so sad she knows him and likes him but said that he's not good for me. She understands I need security and stability too. It's taken me a long time to realise that's what I need in a relationship instead of the adrenaline rush caused by random reinforcement. Thanks to you all you are really helping me through this difficult time. As my dad said to me tonight this too shall pass